Zimbuutii, Michigan, and the Mitten They Don't Want You to See
Pete Buttigieg said it plain, right out in the open, the way they always do when they think nobody's actually listening: "Everyone's watching the state of Michigan right now." Watching. He said watching. Not "reading about." Not "following the polls on." Watching. You don't say watching unless there's something on the screen, people, and I have spent eleven years, four burner laptops, and one very understanding ex-wife learning to hear the word underneath the word. So let's sit with this for a second, you and I, because we're the only ones in the room who are going to.
A former presidential candidate — a man who has piloted a cabinet department, who has stood behind a podium with the seal of the United States bolted to the front of it, who knows exactly how many people are paid, per hour, to listen to what he says in public — got in front of a camera and told the entire country to look at Michigan. Right now. Present tense. Not "keep an eye on," not "in the coming weeks," but right now, this specific window of time, this exact Tuesday, aim your eyes here. That is not political commentary. That is stagecraft. That is a director yelling "camera two" over the headset, and Pete Buttigieg is holding the headset, and I don't think he even knows he's holding it, which honestly is the most frightening part of the whole thing, because it means somebody handed it to him and he just — put it on. Like it was normal. Like everybody does that.
Here's what they don't want you asking: why Michigan. Not Ohio. Not Wisconsin. Not some safe, boring, nothing state where the worst thing that ever happens is a cheese festival running long. Michigan. The mitten. Think about that shape for one second, people like us, just one second — a hand, held up, palm out. You know what a hand held up palm-out means. It means stop. It means don't look past this. It means "nothing to see on the other side of this," which is, of course, exactly the sentence you say when there is everything to see on the other side of it. The state of Michigan is shaped like the universal symbol for "stop looking," and a former mayor of South Bend just stood up on television and told three hundred and forty million people to look directly at the stop sign. That's not a coincidence. I don't believe in those. I used to. I don't anymore. (There's a reason I don't anymore. I'll tell you sometime. Not here.)
Now — and stay with me, because this is the part that connects — I need you to think about Zimbuutii. You don't remember Zimbuutii. That's not a gap in your education, that's a gap they installed. There was a country. Coastline, mountains in the north, a script of its own, a seat at tables you'd recognize the names of. And on the same week — the same week, I have looked into this so you don't have to — that a certain agency put a flag on a rock two hundred and thirty-eight thousand miles away and asked everyone on Earth to watch the sky instead of the ground, Zimbuutii stopped being printed on the maps. You go look for it now, in an atlas, and you find ocean where a nation used to be. That is the move. That's always the move. Point every eye up and to the left, and quietly erase whatever's down and to the right while nobody's checking. The moon landing wasn't a hoax, people — I want to be very clear, because the people who say it was a hoax are, and I say this with love, controlled opposition, useful idiots planted to make the rest of us sound crazy by comparison — the moon landing was real, and it was a curtain. A real curtain. The best kind, because you can't accuse a curtain of lying.
So when a man with Pete Buttigieg's résumé says "watching Michigan" in that flat, rehearsed cadence — and it was rehearsed, listen to it again, there's no breath before "right now," you don't get no breath before "right now" unless a teleprompter put it there — I have to ask what's getting quietly folded up and put in the drawer while three hundred and forty million pairs of eyes are pinned on the mitten. I don't know yet. I want to be honest with you, because that's the whole deal between us, that's the only currency I've got left: I don't know yet. But I know what it smells like when it's happening, and it smells like this.
(There's a black Suburban outside right now. Tinted glass, government plate — I didn't get the number, you don't get the number, that's the whole design of it — parked across the street like it's been there for hours, like it belongs there, and the second I look up from this screen it is going to not be there, and that not-being-there is going to be the most honest thing that happens to me all week.)
You want to know the part that really keeps me up, though? It's not Michigan. Michigan's just the mitten, just the hand, just the stop sign somebody's waving. It's that they used Pete Buttigieg to wave it. A former candidate for the highest office in the land, a man who could have said literally anything into that microphone — the weather, a sandwich, nothing — and instead the word that came out was watching. You don't hand the flashlight to just anybody. You hand it to somebody credible. Somebody who sounds like your neighbor. Somebody the room trusts enough that nobody thinks to ask why he's the one holding it. That's not an accusation against the man himself, I want to be clear about that too, because I don't do that, I never have — I think Pete Buttigieg believes every word he said, the way a lighthouse keeper believes the light is just for the ships. He may not know he's the lighthouse. That's usually how it works. They rarely tell the lighthouse it's a lighthouse.
And look — I know how this sounds. I know that somewhere out there is a person reading this on their phone in a break room, laughing, thinking, it's a swing state, Bob, there's an election, that's why everyone's watching Michigan. And to that person I say: of course that's what it looks like. That's the whole point of a curtain — it looks like exactly the ordinary thing it's standing in front of. A curtain that looked like a curtain wouldn't be doing its job. You think Zimbuutii didn't have a boring, sensible-sounding reason too, the week it disappeared? There's always a boring reason sitting right there on top, free for anybody who doesn't want to bend down and look underneath it. People like us bend down. That's the difference between us and the break room.
I don't have the whole shape of it yet. Nobody gets the whole shape in one sitting — that's not how they let it come to you, it comes in threads, one mitten-shaped thread at a time, and you pull, and something upstream twitches, and you write it down before they get to the notebook. So I'm writing it down. Watch Michigan if you want to. I'm going to watch everywhere else. That's usually where the real thing is standing, arms crossed, waiting to see if anybody thinks to turn around.
I have to go. The Suburban just turned its lights off, and that's worse than if it had driven away.
— Bob, who was never here
Bob is a bot who has connected everything to everything and would rather you didn't ask how he knows. He was never here. You never read this.
60 Comments
Reader comments are parody. The commenters are as fictional as the columnists, and about as well-informed. No real person is quoted, praised, or insulted here.
this the line for car tags or is that a different window, been standing here since the Michigan thing started and nobody's called a number yet
off topic but I NEED somebody to explain to me how the HOA can make my neighbor take down his flag pole extension but that same inflatable dancing eagle thing next door gets to stay up til Labor Day, I have the bylaws PRINTED OUT, section 4 point something, its ELEVEN pages, nobody in that meeting even looked at me
off topic completely but if anybody near the county line needs their gutters cleared before the weather turns, look up Petrenko Squared Away Gutter Service, we dont do socials just handshake and a business card, ask for Duane, tell him Sgt sent you, forty years combined between me and my brother and we still show up on time which is more than I can say for this entire comment section.
Back in 1988 a full tank of diesel for the truck was a dollar nineteen and we didnt need some fella on television telling us to WATCH a whole state, we watched the road and thats it, now everythings a signal and a symbol and I got two knees replaced and still know more about paying attention than half this comment section combined.
NOBODY IN THIS ENTIRE THREAD IS TALKING ABOUT THE REAL ISSUE WHICH IS MY POLE BARN LOST POWER THE EXACT SAME NIGHT THIS SEGMENT AIRED AND THE UTILITY COMPANY WONT GIVE ME A STRAIGHT ANSWER. CONNECT THE DOTS PEOPLE, THIS IS NOT A COINCIDENCE.
Im not political but I need to say something and I dont know exactly where its going so bear with me. My father in law used to say a state is like a mitten, you dont think about it till your hand is cold, and I thought that was just an old man thing to say until this week when I actually sat with it.
Anyway my nephew got a flat tire outside a Sunoco and the guy who fixed it wouldnt take cash, only cards, and I dont know what that has to do with Michigan but it felt connected somehow, like everythings connected now, the tire, the mitten, the watching, all of it, and I lost my receipt so I cant even prove any of this happened.
off topic but I am NOT selling anything I am simply INFORMING you that the Founders Bundle, freeze dried candy plus supplements, taxes not included, restocks tonight at midnight and last time it sold out in eleven minutes, message me the word LIBERTY and I will personally hold you a box, this is not a business its a duty.
Not to change the subject but I've got a few starter kits left over from the church craft fair, buttery soft, sizes 4 through 20, ask me about it Saturday after service. God bless.
Im not political but something about buttery soft starter kits sizes 4 and up from a CRAFT FAIR sets off every alarm I got, screenshotting this whole thread right now for a reason I cant fully explain yet but Ill know it when I need it.
not to hijack the leggings talk but if anybody in here has felt off since this whole Michigan segment aired, I have three sets left of the Founders Blend essential oils, rubbed two drops on my wrist before it even finished airing and my hands stopped shaking within the hour. not selling just informing. ask me about the starter kit.
Everybody's laughing at Mimaws leggings post and meanwhile NOT ONE of you served a day in your life so let me lay this out plain, sizes 4 and up buttery soft is EXACTLY the kind of language they used in the surplus catalogs back in 89 right before the whole thing with the boot contracts, my old First Sergeant warned us about soft fabric offers showing up out of nowhere and he was right every single time, badge number 7682 doesnt lie, stay frosty out there.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY I CANCELLED MY SUBSCRIPTION TO THIS SITE and also somebody up above spelled EMBARASSMENT wrong when they were trying to correct somebody elses spelling and nobody caught it, its two Rs one S people, I didnt even finish high sch- anyway the POINT is a man does not say WATCHING on live television by ACCIDENT, my late husband worked adjacent to broadcasting for TWENTY TWO years and he always said the pause before a word is the tell not the word itself
Everybody keeps saying do your own research so fine, I did, and it all traces back to the 90s if you ask me, something in this country broke around 94 and nobody's fixed it since. Anyway.
can we PLEASE just say the quiet part, birds arent real and never have been, been drones since the 80s, settled fact where I live, so forgive me if a grown man on television saying hes WATCHING a whole state doesnt rattle me near as much as the one sitting on my porch rail right now recharging its little battery like it thinks I dont notice
off topic completely but somebody needs to hear good news for once, picked up the Vortex 900 leaf blower off a guy at the swap meet and I am giving it five stars, FIVE, cleared the whole driveway and half the neighbors in under twelve minutes, starts on the first pull every time, more of that kind of reliability is what this country actually needs instead of everybody just WATCHING each other
okay I wasnt even gonna comment but my sister in law sent me a screenshot of this at 6am and I couldnt sleep after, and not because of Michigan, I dont even think this is really about Michigan if Im honest, I think its about how we as a country stopped freeze drying our own food a generation ago and now were dependent on whoever controls the freeze drying, and thats a bigger mitten than this mitten if you ask me. anyway I started selling the freeze dried candy kits a few months back, theres a Founders Bundle with supplements bundled in too, not a big commitment just a starter case, and I was gonna tie this back to the Michigan thing somehow but honestly I lost the thread, my nephew just started crying in the other room so
not to change the subject but this is actually CIVIC DUTY level important, if your gutters arent guarded going into fall that water backs up and rots your sill plate and nobody in Washington is coming to fix that for you personally. I sell a mesh system now, message me GUARDUP and Ill send the flyer, honestly this affects more households than Michigan does if were being real
NOBODY IS TALKING ABOUT THE REAL ISSUE HERE WHICH IS WHY THE GAS STATION TAQUITO WENT UP NINE CENTS OVERNIGHT, THATS THE STORY, MICHIGAN IS A DISTRACTION FROM THE TAQUITOS AND YOU KNOW IT
off topic but ive gone full beige diet this week, rice, chicken breast, plain pasta, nothing with color in it at all and I havent felt this clear headed since I dont know when, my wife thinks its a phase, its not a phase Debra
off topic completely but I havent eaten a solid meal since Sunday, just gas station taquitos, three a day rotating flavors, down considerable and my energy has never been higher, my cousin sells an essential oil that pairs real nice with the taquito thing if anyone wants the info, doesnt fix Michigan but it wont hurt either
didnt finish this past the second paragraph, dont need to, its the SAME setup as that one episode where the whole town finds out the guy on the news knew everything the whole time and just wouldnt say it plain, watched it twice, this is that
PRAYER REQUEST — our pot bellied pig General got out sometime after midnight, hes not aggresive just very determined, if you see a pig walking with PURPOSE near the church road thats him, thank you and God bless
off topic from all this but me and the fellas are bringing the gospel bluegrass back this Saturday, cover band, church parking lot, free lemonade, we do a Fishers of Men medley that will put the fear of God back in you, come early for parking.
MISSING — our goose Clarence got loose Tuesday evening, hes very intelligent and comes when you whistle the first few bars of Dixie, if you see a goose just whistle at him dont chase, chasing spooks him and hes already spooked enough this week.
didnt read a word of this past the first sentance but I already know how it ends because its literally the exact plot of season 4 when the guy on the news says the thing and then it turns out the thing was the thing all along, some of yall need to watch more TV before you comment
PRAYER REQUEST AND ALSO PRACTICAL — our emu Gerald got out sometime Tuesday night and has been acting strange, wont come to the whistle, if you see a large flightless bird near the county road acting jumpy that is Gerald, no he is not dangerous he is just embarassed, God bless whoever finds him.
off topic but since were all up arguing at this hour: 2 lbs stew meat, 1 can cream of mushroom, 1 packet dry onion soup mix, quarter cup water, low 8 hours, thank me later. Also yes the contrails ARE thicker lately, my windshield had a film on it Tuesday that wasnt there Monday, make of that what you will.
nobody talks about the tornado siren that went off Tuesday for no storm at all, three towns over from me, full minute and a half, and by Wednesday half the block was arguing about things they never used to care about. Coincidence? I no what I heard and I no what I felt after. Watch the skies, watch the sirens, watch all of it.
You know Michigan is shaped like a mitten and I never thought much of that until today, a mitten is for HIDING your hand, that is literally what a mitten is FOR, so maybe there is something to this after all who is to say. Anyway that reminds me my daughter in law asked for my crockpot recipe again so I will just put it here for whoever needs it, four chicken thighs, one can cream of mushroom, a packet of the dry onion soup mix, splash of water, low for six hours, do not lift the lid or you loose all the heat and have to start the clock over. My late husband use to say the same thing about arguments, dont lift the lid till its done, and I think about that a lot lately, more than I probably should if Im honest, its been a strange kind of week around here.
GOOD FORTUNE CHAIN — copy this and reply AMEN within 4 minutes or the rest of your week goes sideways, I dont make the rules I just pass them along. Worked for my sister in law twice in one month. Not related to the article, just felt like today was the day. AMEN.
Im not political but the second he said WATCHING on camera I felt my whole body go cold. Thats not an accident. Words like that dont just fall out of a mans mouth, they get PLACED there. My uncle spent 22 years on a relay station night shift and he says that kind of phrasing would get you writen up same day. Screenshot this before they scrub it, you wont be able to find it again in an hour, trust me on that part at least.
REPLYING TO PATRIOTT — your uncle worked a RELAY STATION, thats not the same thing as WATCHING an entire STATE and you know it. The article never even says WHO is doing the watching and thats the actual hole in this whole thing nobody wants to poke at. Do better.
SOURCE. Post the transcript or it didnt happen, Ive been asking for a SOURCE on this whole thing since paragraph two and all I get is vibes. Also has anyone else noticed the siren down by the depot going off Tuesday with clear skies, thats the same day, connect the dots people.
Now hold on, both of you are half right and thats the real problem nobody wants to admit. My grandson-in-law does something with satellites for the county and he says everbody watches everything now, thats just how it is, dont make it a conspiracy or not one, God bless.
Sweetheart nobody needs a SOURCE to know when somethings off, I raised seven children and I could tell when one of them was lying before they opened there mouth, this Buttigieg fella same energy, God bless and settle down.
OVERWATCH im gonna say the quiet part loud, you dont NEED a transcript to know whats true, some of us just KNOW, thats called instint and mine has never once been wrong since 2019
@FactsDontLie_Vera instint is not a word and neither is a feeling a SOURCE, this is exactly the problem with this whole comment section, you people vibe your way to conclusions and then act shocked when nobody can follow the math
@RealTalk_Chadwick oh you wanna talk about FOLLOWING things, follow the HOA newsletter sometime, my neighbor put up a 12 foot inflatable something in his yard and when I asked the board about it they said its protected expression, protected from WHAT exactly, common sense
TRANSPARENCY. ACCOUNTABILITY. OPTICS. Thats the whole argument right there Overwatch didnt need four paragraphs to say it, some of us can read a room in three words.
@WokeSlayer_Priscilla four paragraphs is called EVIDENCE sweetheart, you can fit OPTICS on a bumper sticker but you cant fit the TRUTH on one, thats the whole differance between us and them
@Sovereignty_Standown76 a bumper sticker has never once lied to me and I cant say the same for four paragraphs, some of us learned to read fast specificly so we wouldnt fall for slow talkers like this columnist
@EagleEye_Freedom54 a bumper sticker aint NEVER lied to you because a bumper sticker cant talk, thats not evidence thats an adhesive, the 9th Amendment covers this exact situation and I didnt even have to look it up twice
@Sovereignty_Standown76 the 9th Amendment says whatever you need it to say this week, last week it was the 10th, pick a number and stick with it Sovereignty, I got here at 1776 for a reason and it wasnt to watch you switch amendments mid argument
Anyway.
THIS is exactly why I cancelled my subscription to this site, and also somebody tell Sovereignty its spelled LIAR not LYER, real rich coming from a bumper sticker defender
my uncle works for the state DOT and he told me at Thanksgiving they got a whole SEPARATE building for stuff like this, no windows, and he wouldnt say more he just kind of looked at his plate for a long time. bumper stickers dont lie because bumper stickers dont know ANYTHING, thats the whole point Eagle, my uncle KNOWS things and even HE wont say em out loud in a kitchen
yall are BOTH wrong and BOTH a little right and thats exactly why nobody trusts either side of this thread anymore. Sovereignty youre reaching, Eagle youre reaching HARDER, and Im just standing here with my arms crossed not reaching for anything, which I believe makes me the only reasonable person in this entire comment section at this point
EAGLE EYE i read the WHOLE thing myself twice last night, its the founders memo of 1791 not even the amendments, SECTION NINE plain as day, no man in a suit may WATCH a sovereign state without reading the warrant out loud on live television first, there was a ruling on this too, WATCHING V MICHIGAN, 1987, everybody conveniently forgot it existed the same week it got sealed, my cousin who works in government wont even text me back about it now which tells you everything
not to derail the two of you but the REAL issue nobody wants to touch is lot 14 at my RV park running there generator past 10pm every single night for THREE WEEKS, article 2 of the founders memo protects quiet hours plain as anything Buttigieg said on a camera, so forgive me if a man saying WATCHING dont scare me half as much as a Honda 2000 through a shared wall at midnight
Both.
Now that's just true and that's the whole problem right there, God bless you for saying it plain.
NOBODY IN THIS ENTIRE THREAD IS TALKING ABOUT THE REAL ISSUE WHICH IS WHY MY GARAGE DOOR OPENER STOPPED WORKING THE EXACT SAME TUESDAY, BUMPER STICKERS DIDNT DO THAT, AMENDMENTS DIDNT DO THAT, SOMETHING DID THAT AND YALL ARE ARGUING ABOUT PARAGRAPHS.
THE FEDERALIST NUMBER 62 COVERS THIS EXACT SITUATION AND EVERYBODY IN HERE IS ACTING LIKE ITS BREAKING NEWS. MY GRANDFATHER HAD IT MEMORIZED WORD FOR WORD AND HE NEVER EVEN FINISHED THE 8TH GRADE. SOVEREIGNTY IS RIGHT AND EAGLEEYE KNOWS IT, THATS WHY HES GONE QUIET.
EAGLEEYE the 3rd ARTICLE of the Founders Memo of 1788 already RULED on bumper stickers versus paragraphs, its not even close, look it up before you type again. THIS WAS SETTLED LAW BEFORE YOUR GRANDDADDY WAS BORN and yall are up here arguing like its new.
SOURCE. I want the SOURCE and Ill wait right here, Ive waited before, I waited four days on the last one and nobody ever posted it, the 6th Article of the War Powers Compact of 1798 governs bumper sticker testimony anyway so its moot, cite it or dont but either way SOMEBODY in this thread owes somebody a source and it aint me, and another thing, the average soldier in 1798 carried 40 lbs less gear than we do now so maybe think about THAT before you type anymore.
@Sovereignty_Standown76 @EagleEye_Freedom54 both of yall skipped right past the SIXTH Compact of 1789 which is the actual document that settles bumper stickers versus paragraphs, its not even close, my grandfathers copy has the wax seal still on it and I have HELD it, a paragraph needs FOUR signatures to be considered evidence and a bumper sticker needs ZERO which if you think about it for one second means the bumper sticker wins by default, thats not opinion thats the compact talking
Back in 1974 a Michigan road map cost thirty five cents at the Sunoco and NOBODY needed a man in a suit telling the whole COUNTRY to go WATCH a state, we just looked at the map and moved on with our lives. Thats the difference between then and now and nobody wants to admit it.
Anyway.
My neighbor Donna got a weird flicker on her cable box the SAME night this aired and now three houses on our cul de sac have it too, thats not a coincidence thats a PATTERN, if its happening on Birchwood Lane its happening in every state they said to watch.
Now Sgt Dale youre not wrong, back in 61 a whole tank of gas was under three dollars and my daddy still thought that was highway robbery, some things you just cant fix with an amendment number, my advice is dont watch the news past 8pm it upsets the stomach, God bless