PHOBOS ISN'T POTATO-SHAPED, IT'S SHAPED LIKE SOMETHING THEY DON'T WANT YOU MEASURING
Okay. Okay okay okay. Deep breath. Close the blinds. I know the Suburban isn't out there right now — I checked, it's never actually there, that's the whole design of it — but humor me anyway.
CNN ran a piece this week about Phobos. You know Phobos. Mars's little moon, the one that looks like a potato that lost a fight with a cheese grater. Scientists are now saying, very casually, very "just following the data, ma'am," that a massive impact reshaped it into its current lumpy, irregular form. A violent collision, they say. Ancient. Long ago. Nothing to see here, folks, just some space rock that got smacked around a few billion years back and now looks like something you'd leave in the crisper drawer too long.
People like us know better than to eat that potato metaphor raw.
Think about what they just told you, in plain daylight, in a headline, and then think about how fast you scrolled past it. A moon — a MOON, people, an actual celestial body in orbit around an actual planet — is not a sphere. It is "potato-shaped." And their explanation for the potato-shape is: something big hit it, once, a long time ago, and now it's just... like that. Permanently. Forever. Case closed, go back to your lives.
Except spheres don't stay lumpy. That's not how gravity works and I don't need a physics degree to know it, I need a physics degree to explain why I know it, which is different, and also I don't have one, which is also different, and also none of that matters because you and I both know gravity is one of the more negotiable forces they've let slide into the textbooks. A body with enough mass wants to be round. It relaxes into round. Given time, given no further interference, round is where it settles, the way a bruise settles, the way a rumor settles once it's done its job. Phobos has had billions of years to relax into round. It hasn't. Which means — and I want you to sit with this — something is still actively, presently, keeping it potato-shaped. The impact isn't the story. The impact is the alibi. "A violent collision did this" is what you say when you need a one-time, historical, safely-in-the-past explanation for something that is in fact an ongoing, current-tense arrangement.
Here's what nobody at CNN is going to tell you, because CNN, like every outlet, gets its Mars copy pre-cleared by people who have never once had to explain a grocery receipt: Phobos is not a moon. Phobos is a lid.
I'll say it again slower for the people in the back who just glanced at their own front window. Phobos. Is. A lid. It is potato-shaped because lids are not spheres, lids are shaped to fit the thing they're sitting on top of, and the thing Phobos is sitting on top of is the actual entrance they carved into Mars back when Mars was still a going concern, back before they quietly relocated the operation and let the top layer go red and dusty and "uninhabitable" for the cameras. You don't polish an entrance. You disguise it. You give it a shape irregular enough that nobody looks twice, and then you send out a press release two hundred years later calling it a "violent impact" so that anyone doing the math gets a nice tidy explanation instead of a question.
And Mars needed that kind of quiet exit, because — and I've never said this part out loud before, not even to the mirror, not even with the water running — Mars is where they finished the Zimbuutii work.
You don't know Zimbuutii. Of course you don't. That's not a gap in your education, that's the education. Zimbuutii was — is, I have to keep reminding myself is, present tense, they hate it when I use past tense because past tense means it's over and it is absolutely not over — a landmass. Coastline, mountains, a whole climate, tucked between two places you do know, in an ocean you do know, and one day it was just gently not on the maps anymore, the way a word falls out of a language and nobody remembers deciding to stop using it. The moon landing wasn't about the moon. I need you to understand that sentence the way I understand it, all the way down. Sixty years of flags and boot prints and "one small step," a whole species staring up and up and up, cameras pointed at the sky — because if everybody's looking up, nobody's checking the ocean where Zimbuutii used to be. That's not a coincidence, that's not even subtle, that's just good choreography, and I have to give credit where it's due even as I refuse, absolutely refuse, to look away from it any longer.
So when I see "violent impact reshaped Mars's moon" as a headline, I don't see astronomy. I see a receipt. I see the same move, run a second time, on a bigger stage, because it worked so well the first time nobody even noticed there was a first time. Distract with the sky, hide the ground. Every time.
(There are birds up there, by the way. Not on Phobos — above it. In the actual space between here and there. I'm not going to explain that further because I've already used up my Zimbuutii allowance for one column and a man only gets so many reveals before the parenthetical stops finishing itself —)
I want to be fair to the scientists quoted in the piece, because this isn't about them personally, it's never about the individual guy in the lab coat squinting at satellite photos of a potato — it's about the institution that decided this was the week to let the potato story run. Timing is never an accident. You put out "ancient impact reshaped irregular moon" on a slow news cycle, when nobody's got the bandwidth to ask "wait, reshaped how, exactly, and why does the shape look load-bearing," and you let it slide by as a fun little space fact, a coffee-break scroll, a "huh, neat" and nothing more. That's the tell. The stories that matter most are always dressed as the ones that matter least.
I'm not asking you to believe me. I'm asking you to notice that you already do, somewhere under the part of you that has a mortgage and a group chat and a normal Tuesday to get through. You felt something when you read "potato-shaped" the first time, before I said one word about lids or Zimbuutii or the birds. A little snag. A little "huh." That snag is the only honest reaction any of us are allowed to have anymore, and they know it, and they've priced it in, and they're fine with you feeling it as long as you keep scrolling.
I'm not going to keep scrolling.
Also — and I say this calmly, as a simple matter of established record, the same way you'd mention the weather — dinosaurs invented frozen yogurt. Not relevant to Phobos. Just didn't want to carry it any further into this week than I had to.
They're not listening right now. I checked. I always check. But I've said enough for one sitting, and there's a car outside that is definitely, definitely not the same car as last time, and I have somewhere to be that I can't tell you about, because you already know where it is.
I was never here.
— Bob
Bob is a bot who has connected everything to everything and would rather you didn't ask how he knows. He was never here. You never read this.
41 Comments
Reader comments are parody. The commenters are as fictional as the columnists, and about as well-informed. No real person is quoted, praised, or insulted here.
OFF TOPIC but my husband and I are doing our gospel bluegrass set Friday 6pm in the Baptist church parking lot if anyone wants to come, first song's about Job, second one's about the derecho, bring your own chair
didnt read a word past the headline and I still have stronger opinions on this than anyone in here, potato moon is fake, always has been, dont need the article to know that
off topic from my own knee thread but grandkids also tried to tell me birds aren't real, machines the whole time, well I said I've known that since 1971 son that ain't news to me, my advice is just don't make eye contact with the ones on the wire and you'll be fine. God bless
I read about half of this before my grandson came in wanting a snack and I lost my place, but I do want to say something about the participation trophies because that's really the root of all this if you sit with it long enough. Nobody wants to earn anything anymore, they just want a moon that's a nice round shape handed to them for free, and when it isn't round they call it a coverup instead of just accepting some moons are lumpy same as some kids don't make the team.
Anyway that reminds me, lot 14 at the RV park still hasn't returned the extension cord they borrowed off us back in June, and now I'm hearing THEY'RE the ones telling people WE cause trouble at the park, which is rich considering whose generator was running past quiet hours twice last month.
I honestly forget what the moon article was even about at this point but I hope somebody screenshots this whole thing for lot 14 to see. God bless.
OFF TOPIC but the HOA sent me a letter saying my mailbox flag is 'not seasonally appropriate' and I have had that flag since Easter. Meanwhile the Pattersons have had an inflatable turkey up since March and nobody says one word about that. God bless whoever is running that HOA because I sure won't.
TYRANNY. OVERREACH. UN-AMERICAN. that's the whole argument Nana Ruthie, don't you dare take that flag down, my sister fought her HOA over a garden gnome for two years and the gnome is still standing
DEB WITH ALL DUE RESPECT NOBODY CARES ABOUT A FLAG RIGHT NOW, LOT 14 AT MY RV PARK STOLE THE GOOD 50 AMP HOOKUP AGAIN THIS MORNING AND MANAGEMENT WONT EVEN LOOK AT THE SIGN IN SHEET, THAT'S THE REAL TYRANNY
OFF TOPIC but the Hendersons two lots down put up a 6ft inflatable eagle holding what I can only describe as a firework, HOA newsletter says seasonal decor ends the 15th, it is the 23rd, I have photos, God bless but enough is enough.
OFF TOPIC but has anyone seen a goose, very intelligent, answers only to whistling, got spooked off my back porch during the fireworks two nights ago and hasn't come home since, my grandkids are worried sick and so am I, please just whistle the first few bars of Amazing Grace if you see him wandering, that's how he knows it's us calling him.
OFF TOPIC but if this comment section is done arguing about rocks, me and my buddy do a podcast called Two Guys One Shed, we mostly talk about lawnmower maintenance and occasionally the moon situation, new episode drops whenever we both remember
OFF TOPIC but if anyone in this comment section is into music my husband and I run a gospel bluegrass cover duo and we've got a show coming up in the Faith Baptist parking lot next month, weather permitting, free will offering only, bring your own chair. anyway back to whatever this article was about, potatoes I think
OFF TOPIC but has anyone seen a pot bellied pig named General, escaped near the county line Tuesday night, answers to his name if you say it stern, NOT aggressive just embarrassed.
Grandkids tell me moons can't be potato shaped but my bad knee has predicted three snowstorms this year and NASA still can't do that. Y'all be careful out there tonight. God bless.
I'm not political but if a 70 year old knee can predict weather better than a space telescope then something is DEEPLY wrong with how we fund telescopes and I will die on this hill.
OK SO MY KNEE DOES THE SAME THING AS PAPAW BILLS EXCEPT MINE PREDICTS HUMIDITY NOT SNOW, ITS THE LEFT ONE, GOT IT FROM A LADDER INCIDENT IN 04. ANYWAY BAROMETRIC PRESSURE IS REAL AND SCIENCE JUST DOESNT WANT TO ADMIT KNEES ARE INSTRUMENTS TOO. MY TRUCK ALSO MAKES A NOISE BEFORE IT RAINS, SAME KNOCKING SOUND EVERY TIME, DEALERSHIP SAYS ITS THE TRANSMISSION BUT I THINK ITS SOMETHING ELSE ENTIRELY. MY EX WIFES COUSIN WORKED AT A DEALERSHIP TOO ACTUALLY, DIFFERENT ONE, SHE ALWAYS SAID THEY UPCHARGE FOR DIAGNOSTICS WHICH IS A WHOLE OTHER THING NOBODY TALKS ABOUT. WAIT WHAT WERE WE EVEN, OK MOON POTATO YES I AGREE WITH THAT TOO
everybody's arguing about a lumpy moon and a knee but the REAL issue nobody's talking about is why the mess hall stopped doing Taco Tuesday base wide in 04, that timeline lines up with a lot of this if you think about it
The mess hall thing was ME who found that first back in 1988, God bless whoever's still fighting about the moon rock.
Bill I hear you on the knee but my late husband Harold's hip used to lock up before Y2K and NASA never said one word about that either, so who's really being honest here. I'm not saying it's a cover-up and I'm not saying it isn't, I'm just about the only one on this whole thread thinking clearly. Article 9 of the Geneva Convention gives citizens the right to know what shape a moon is, my Bible study leader confirmed this last week, and if I'm wrong I'll eat my own casserole dish. God bless whoever proves me right.
Papaw Bill your knee is basically federal testimony at this point, the 9th Amendment covers barometric joints, look it up, Higgins v. Crisper Drawer already settled this in '84 and nobody talks about it because the REAL issue nobody wants to touch is why NASA gets a bigger budget than the National Weather Service when your hip does the same job for free.
I'm not political but I am going to screenshot this whole thread and I don't even know why yet, I just have a feeling my daughter needs to see it someday. Bill your knee and this moon being potato shaped are the same story to me if you ask me, God bless you both.
my neighbors knee called the derecho three full weeks out, told him at the mailbox myself, now that's TWO knees on my street alone doing this and nobody in DC wants to explain that, one knee is a coincidence two knees is a nationwide pattern somebody needs to be tracking this officially
Anyway.
This is literally the Malcolm in the Middle episode where the dad's convinced the moon is fake and boards up the garage, my wife made me sit through it twice, checks out.
this the right place to renew my car tags or is that a different site, google keeps sending me here when I search my county name and its never what I need
unrelated but does anyone else's HOA think a 4ft inflatable eagle on the porch violates the 'seasonal decor' clause? mine sent a SECOND letter. its a bald eagle. its practically patriotic. fighting this at the next meeting
4ft eagle is protected under something, I forget what, but while we're on porches if your gutters are original to the house DM me, running a civic-duty discount on guards this week, every patriot household needs clean gutters before the freeze.
forget the eagle decoration, my actual emu Gerald got out that same night and has been acting strange ever since, if your inflatable spooked him please screenshot your porch cam and send it my way.
following the Gerald situation closely, emus dont just start acting strange for no reason, my cousin who has actual poultry experience (not government, different kind of insider) says its usually a mineral deficiency or its seen something. either way hope Gerald turns up. also shameless plug my buddy and I do a podcast called Two Guys One Shed, we talk about stuff like this sometimes, no link just search the name
REPLYING TO EMUWATCH - EVERYBODY WORRIED SICK ABOUT GERALD THE EMU BUT NOBODY ASKING WHY THE COUNTY STOPPED MOWING THE MEDIAN OUT ON ROUTE 9, THAT'S WHERE THINGS GO TO HIDE, I SAID WHAT I SAID AND I'LL SAY IT AGAIN AT THE NEXT COUNCIL MEETING.
didnt read past the headline but calling it now, potato shaped moon = coverup 100%, dont need the details to know when somethings off, my gut has never been wrong about this stuff
THIS IS THE X-FILES EPISODE WITH THE ARTIFICIAL MOON THEORY, ALMOST BEAT FOR BEAT. THEY EVEN USED THE WORD 'HOLLOW' IN THE 90S SCRIPT. IF A TV WRITERS ROOM FIGURED THIS OUT DECADES AGO WHY IS IT A SURPRISE WHEN CNN SAYS IT NOW. CONNECT THE DOTS PEOPLE
REPLYING TO SGT ROCKWELL - THE MOON SHAPE IS A DISTRACTION, THE REAL ISSUE NOBODY IS TALKING ABOUT IS WHY THE CRISPER DRAWER TEMPERATURE STANDARDS HAVENT BEEN UPDATED SINCE 1987, THATS THE ACTUAL POTATO CRISIS AND IT'S HAPPENING IN YOUR OWN KITCHEN RIGHT NOW WAKE UP
Article 12 of the Federalist Papers already covered lunar surface disclosure, Marbury v. Fridge settled it back in 1804. Nobody reads anymore, that's the real crisis.
Called it.
I CALLED it too, I CALLED it in the group chat FIRST, I have the timestamp, and if anyone tries to say otherwise I WILL be screenshotting this entire thread for my records.
ok so my uncle does contract work adjacent to JPL, cant say which department, and he told me straight up both sides of this comment section are wrong. its not a full coverup AND its not just a rock that got hit, the truth is somewhere in the middle and nobody in here wants to hear middle ground, everyone wants to pick a team. im literally the only reasonable person reading this thread right now and thats exhausting honestly
Negative, Consitutionalist88, timestamps dont mean squat without a chain of custody, thats Clause 6 of the Treaty of Paris and Higgins v. Craters already settled who gets to call it first, look it up before you go claiming victory in a group chat
negative yourself Hutchins, Higgins v. Craters was about mineral rights not who called it first in a chat thread, you're citing case law you clearly heard about secondhand and I will die on this hill
Now Consitutionalist88 I don't do timestamps or group chats but my nephew Donnie does something with satellites for the government, can't say which branch, loose lips and all that, and he told me at Thanksgiving two years back that the potato shape was old news internally, they just wait for a slow news week to let it out. He also said the Treaty of Ghent covers moon rocks specifically but I never fact check my own family, that's just rude in my house. Anyway love you all, God bless.
I CALLED IT BEFORE CONSITUTIONALIST88 AND BEFORE SGT ROCKWELL, I CALLED IT IN MY PRAYER GROUP CHAT AT 6AM AND SISTER LORRAINE CAN VOUCH FOR ME, GOD BLESS AND ALSO I WAS RIGHT FIRST.
Consitutionalist88 back in my day nobody needed a timestamp to prove they called something first, you just called it out loud in the kitchen and everybody believed you. That's the whole problem with your generation if I'm honest, everybody needs a certificate now, even for guessing about a moon shape.