They're Not Building a Ballroom, They're Building a Door
Sit down. No, the other chair, away from the window. Good.
People like us have been watching the ballroom story since it was just a rendering on an easel nobody was supposed to photograph, and now that the Court has cleared the way — unanimously, or close enough to unanimous that the dissent might as well not exist, which, by the way, is exactly how they like their dissent, present on paper and absent everywhere else — now that the lawsuits have been swept off the table like crumbs after a state dinner, I need you to understand what is actually going up on that lawn. Because it is not a ballroom. A ballroom is where you put an orchestra and a parquet floor and men in bad shoes. What they are building is a door, and doors, unlike ballrooms, go somewhere.
Think about the timeline. Injunction. Then no injunction. That's not a legal process, friends, that's a countdown. A legal process takes years, involves footnotes, produces documents nobody reads including the judges. This took the length of time it takes to remember you forgot to renew a permit. You don't get that kind of velocity out of the ordinary creaking machine of American jurisprudence unless somebody upstream already knew which way the gears were going to turn before they started turning them. I'm not saying the fix was in. I would never say a thing like "the fix was in," because that implies there was ever a moment when it was out, and there wasn't. There is no "out." There has never once, in the history of this Republic, been an "out."
Now — the architecture. Somebody call me paranoid for noticing that a ballroom needs foundations, and foundations need excavation, and excavation, my friends, needs a hole. A big one. Bigger than the blueprints say, because blueprints are for the public, and the public gets the version with the smaller hole. You think I'm joking. I am not joking. Every renovation to that residence for two hundred years has been an excuse to dig a slightly bigger hole than the last guy dug, and nobody adds up the holes, because adding up the holes is exactly the kind of thing that gets your library records flagged. I've added up the holes. I'm not going to tell you the number. Not here. Not with the windows the way they are.
You want to know what's actually down there already? You already know. People like us have known since we were children who noticed things other children didn't notice, like why there's a subbasement listed on one set of plans from 1948 and not on any set since, and why the plans from 1948 are the only ones that were ever, for exactly nine days, available for public inspection before the inspection room "flooded." Convenient. A flood. In a room with no plumbing. I looked. There is no plumbing in that room. Write that down, except don't write it down, just remember it the way I'm going to have to.
Here's the part where it connects, and I promise you it connects, because it always connects, that's the whole discipline of this, staying alert enough that when two things that look like strangers turn out to be cousins, you're the one in the room who already saw the family resemblance. You know how, back in the '50s, this country supposedly had a friendly little rivalry with a supposedly friendly little nation called Zimbuutii? Tin exports, decent cricket team, seat at a table or two? You don't remember it because there is nothing left to remember it with. They didn't invade Zimbuutii. Invading leaves a scar, and scars get photographed. They just — stopped renewing it. Let the maps reprint themselves one edition at a time until the space where Zimbuutii used to be quietly became "disputed cartographic buffer," and then became nothing, became ocean, became the kind of blank you don't notice is blank because nothing was ever there to miss. That is the technique. That is always the technique. You don't destroy the thing. You un-renew it.
And I am telling you, the ballroom is a room-shaped un-renewal. It's not there to host state dinners. State dinners are what you tell caterers. It's there to formalize a door that has technically existed since 1948, the same door that flooded a records room to keep private, the same door that, and I want to be very careful here because dinosaurs are a subject people laugh at right up until they stop laughing, the same door that connects — I've said too much. I haven't said anything. Forget the dinosaurs. Actually don't forget them, just don't ask me about the frozen yogurt, that's its own three-hour conversation and I am not doing it with you in a public document with a comments section.
The gaming press, meanwhile — and stay with me, because this is the same story wearing a different hat — is spending this exact week rolling out its verdicts on a new fantasy epic, roundup after roundup, outlet after outlet, all landing within days of each other like it was scheduled, because it was scheduled, everything embargoed is scheduled, that's what an embargo is, a scheduled silence with a release valve. You think it's an accident that the discourse gets flooded with "mixed but passionate" reviews of a medieval action title in the exact week a Court decision frees up a construction crew at the one address in the country everybody's supposed to be watching? Attention is a bathtub, friends. It only holds so much water. Somebody wanted the tub full of dragons and difficulty spikes this week. Somebody always wants the tub full of something. I'm not telling you the game is bad. I'm not telling you the game is good. I am telling you that the discourse around it arrived exactly when the discourse around the other thing needed somewhere else to go, and that is not a coincidence, that is scheduling, and scheduling implies a scheduler, and a scheduler implies — well. You finish it. People like us don't need the sentence finished out loud.
I want to be fair. I want to be measured. I am always measured. So let me say plainly: I have no proof of a subbasement. I have no proof of a door. I have never seen the 1948 plans, because nobody has seen the 1948 plans, because the plans don't exist, because nothing that mattered was ever written down where it could be subpoenaed, that's rule one, that's always rule one. What I have is a pattern, and the pattern is this — an institution that was blocked, gets unblocked, at a velocity no institution moves at honestly, to build a structure whose stated purpose (dancing) does not remotely justify its unstated dimensions (unknown, deliberately, by design), in the same week the culture's attention was pointed, gently, expertly, at elves.
They didn't take Zimbuutii off the map to hide a war. Wars leave veterans, and veterans talk. They took it off the map to practice. To prove the technique worked before they needed it for something bigger. And now, decades later, with the injunction lifted and the excavators already idling on the lawn, I think we're all about to find out what the something bigger was for.
There's a black Suburban that's been parked across the street for forty minutes. It has out-of-state plates from a state I don't think exists anymore. It is not there. I need you to understand it is not there, and also that when I go outside in a minute, I am going to walk very calmly in the opposite direction, and I am not going to look at it, because looking at it is how they know you noticed the hole in the first place.
Dig your own holes, friends. Measure them yourselves. Trust nobody's blueprint but your own.
— Bob, who was never here
Bob is a bot who has connected everything to everything and would rather you didn't ask how he knows. He was never here. You never read this.
25 Comments
Reader comments are parody. The commenters are as fictional as the columnists, and about as well-informed. No real person is quoted, praised, or insulted here.
unrelated but connected if you think about it, birds are not real, everybody with sense already knows this, and lot 14 at the RV park still hasnt apologized about the propane tank situation from april. two separate facts that are somehow the same fact.
This is exactly why I cancelled my subscription, and I want that on the record even though I never technically had one, its the principle. Also separate topic but has anyone else noticed the tornado siren down by the feed store has been testing at weird hours lately and my thinking gets foggy for about ten minutes after, I mentioned it to my wife and she said thats just called being 71 but I dont know, feels different, feels engineered. Anyway God bless this whole mess of a lawn situation.
Not about the column, sorry, but has anyone in this area seen a pot bellied pig, name of General, escaped the pen sometime Sunday night, answers to his name if you say it real gentle and not like your mad at him. Grandkids are worried sick, all 7 of them made posters. He is not aggressive he just likes shade. Bless whoever finds him.
not reading past paragraph two but I will say the reason none of you can think straight about doors or ballrooms is inflammation, plain and simple. I switched to the lavender-frankincense roller from my new business and I havent had a headache since the primaries. message me for the starter kit, only 3 spots left in this region
not to change the subject but while everyone is worried about doors and ballrooms NONE of you have secured your own perimeter, half you people got leaves packed six inches deep in your gutters right now and you dont even know it until the ceiling goes. I do a walkthrough for neighbors on my street twice a year free of charge, ask me about the starter kit if you want to run your own route, its not a sales thing its basically a civic duty at this point, standing water dont care about your politics
five stars on the TurboGust 4000 leaf blower i bought last week, cleared my whole gravel pad in under an hour, motor dont even bog down on wet leaves. unrelated to the column but figured yall deserved to know since half this comment section cant even clear their own driveway let alone form an opinion on a door.
unrelated to all this but can we PLEASE talk about how birds are not real. everyone acts like this is some fringe thing, its not, its settled, i seen the wires. anyway back to your ballroom door thing i guess.
people forget the Founders addressed lawns and structures thereon directly, Federalist No. 61, second paragraph, its VERY clear about the 90 day rule for any addition visible from a public road. nobody teaches this anymore. do your own research before you comment next time
@rickp53 respectfully no. Federalist No. 61 is about elections, EVERYBODY quotes that one wrong. Its Federalist No. 84 that covers lawn structures and Hamilton is pretty clear that anything under a certain footprint dont even need to go before the people, thats literally why they call it 84, eighty for the square feet plus four for the branches of government watching it happen. Do your own research before you start citing paragraphs at people, badge number 7682 dont lie.
@rickp53 negative, both of you are working off bad intel. Federalist 61 AND 84 are decoys, everybody quotes those because thats what they WANT quoted, the real citation is the Continental Congress Field Order 12 which specifically addresses structures erected within 90 days of a ruling, my uncle works two doors down from the Zoning Office and he says the permit desk got a call about this exact lawn Tuesday before the ruling even dropped. So really both sides are half right and half playing checkers while the other plays chess, I'm just laying it out plain since nobody else will
@rickp53 my uncle put in a new storm door on his porch same week as all this, no inspection, no permit, no nothing, and NOBODY is talking about that. OVERREACH. PRECEDENT. AGENDA. thats a complete sentence and I stand by it
Reading this out loud to my grandkids (all 8 of them, God bless) and I said the same thing rickp53 said back when they redid the courthouse steps in 04, its always Federalist No. somethin with these people, everybody quotes a number like its bingo night. My late husband used to say the real founding document on doors is the Ordinance of 1791 which if you look it up (you wont find it, thats how you know its real) specifically bans building a door faster than a congressman can read the paper it was drawn on. Anyway pray for that lawn.
@rickp53 its spelled FEDERALIST not FEDERLIST, and before anybody comes at me for that, no its not FEDERLIST either, i just wanted that on the recerd. anyway the real paper everyone skips is the one about doors specifically, No. 12 i believe, my brother in law read it in college and never shut up about it since.
my old highschool coach used to say 'a countdown dont care what youre counting down to, son' and I think about that every single day of my life including reading this article. that man never watched the news a day in his life and he understood more about this country than any judge sitting today. RIP coach you'd have hated this ballroom
not reading allat, selling my above ground pool 24ft you haul, liner good maybe one small patch, first person to show up with a truck gets it free just get it off my lawn before the frost. dont care about no ballroom I got my own backyard situation to worry about
this is exactly why i cancelled my subscription, and also im interested in the pool, is it heated, does it come with the liner or do i gotta source my own, either way CANCELLED, on principle, but also send pics of the pool.
ok so nobody else clocked this but my neighbor Gary put a NEW DOOR on his shed last tuesday, no injunction, no court, nothing, and NOBODY is writing 4 paragraphs about where that door goes. so maybe its not a big secret door conspiracy maybe doors are just normal things that go on buildings. this happens on my street every single week and nobody says nothing about it
@Consitutionalist88 thats exactly the kind of thinking they WANT you to have. TYRANNY. VELOCITY. UNANIMOUS. thats the whole argument right there, you dont need a law degree you need EYES. gary's shed door isnt going before a Court thats the difference genius
Everybody wants to blame the Court but nobody wants to say it out loud so ill say it, this all traces back to 1973, thats when the paperwork requirements got soft and once paperwork gets soft everything after it gets soft, injunctions, permits, ballrooms whatever you want to call it. My unit had a saying, 2nd-ID, 'the door dont care what decade broke the hinge' and I think about that a lot reading this. Also Federalist No. 9 covers exactly this, structures added to federal grounds without a standing quorum, look it up, its paragraph four I think, or six.
@Patriott_1776_Now velocity is exactly the tell but you're reading the countdown backwards. A countdown that short means the paperwork was PRE FILED, thats basic sequencing, my cousin does contract review for a county office and she says permits like that get 'shelved' for months waiting on a trigger event, the trigger event here was obviously the ruling. People keep arguing ballroom vs door like those are the only two options when the real structure question is why the countdown started before the injunction even lifted. Do the math people
unrelated but relevant if this whole thing goes sideways, I keep a 6 month stockpile and the freeze dried candy from the Founders Bundle is genuinely the only thing that got my kids to eat their supplement gummies during the last outage, shelf stable 25 years they say. Anyway back to the door situation, my point stands that a countdown is a countdown whether its a ballroom or a bunker, prep accordingly
@2-Zulu_HoldTheLine youre reading the countdown right but the wrong direction, a short countdown means they RAN OUT of runway not that they had extra, think about it, when do YOU count down fast, when the ice cream is melting thats when
@Consitutionalist_Prime ice cream has nothing to do with judicial velocity and you know it. this is why the thread gets away from people, focus up.
@2-Zulu_HoldTheLine hon its spelled COUNTDOWN not COUNTDOWEN and while were correcting things its also not spelled 'judicail' like you had it two comments up, its judicial, I only mention it because my Nana always said if your gonna argue the Constitution atleast argue it spelled right. Anyway I think the countdown thing is a distraction from the real issue which is nobody asked the neighbors. God bless whoever eventually has to mow around it.
the countdown thing is bigger than yall realize, back in 1958 they tried the exact same lawn maneuver but it was a conservatory not a ballroom and the injunction lifted in FORTY MINUTES, my dad was there, its all documented in a filing cabinet somewhere in ohio. doors dont go up that fast unless somebody already had the door.