The Crowning at the Southern Manor
I was sent south, as is my charge, to watch the great contest and set down what I saw, though I own before God and this parchment that I understood perhaps one thread in ten of it, and that thread frayed besides.
It was called, by them that stood nearest the rail, an inauguration, which I take to be a southern word for a crowning, and by my troth it had all the trappings of one. There was a great stone hall, and a crowd such as I have never seen even at the Michaelmas fair, packed shoulder to shoulder and roaring fit to wake the dead, and up on a high scaffold stood the man himself, one Daniel Florez De la Espriella, who I am told is now made president of the whole of Colombia, which must be a demesne of tremendous size, for the cheering alone could have flattened a barley field.
They swore him in proper, hand upon a book, the way a reeve is sworn before the lord at Michaelmas, and I confess my heart near stopped at the solemnity of it, for I have seen men hanged with less ceremony. A fellow in fine robes — the priest of the place, though he wore no cassock I recognized, only a sash the color of a ripe plum — stood over him and spoke words I could not catch, and the crowd went silent as a church at the Elevation, and then all at once loosed such a bellow of joy that I dropped my stylus in the dirt. I take this to have been the moment of the crowning proper, the match itself, as it were, decided in that single silent breath and the roar that followed, though I never once saw a ball, a bat, nor any beast set loose to run a course, so I cannot rightly say by what rules the thing was judged, only that De la Espriella came off the victor, and no man in that hall seemed to dispute it.
There was, I must record, a wondrous cart. It stood at the edge of the great square where the common folk were let to watch, and a woman worked it alone, turning some manner of meat on a spit no bigger than a ploughshare, and the smoke of it rolled out over the whole crowd so that half the realm, I daresay, watched their new lord crowned through a haze of good honest cookery. I stood by that cart the better part of an hour, for it was the only thing in the whole proceeding I understood plainly, and I will say this for the southern folk: whatever their contests, they know how to see a man fed while he watches. I did not catch the meat's name. I did not need to. I have not eaten so well at a crowning in all my days, plague years included.
Now to the heart of the matter, for even a serf must render account of the wager, and the wager here was a grave one. When De la Espriella took up his place — and I use the word "took up his place" as I would of a champion stepping to the mark, for that is exactly the manner of it — he made a vow before the whole assembly, and it was no small vow. He swore to drive off the armed bands that trouble that country, the outlaws and the free companies that plague the roads and the fields the way wolves plague ours in a hard winter, and he swore it plain, with no hedging, the way a lord swears at his hall-moot that the reeve will see the hedgerows cleared of thieves before Lammas. This I set down exactly as I saw and heard it, for it is the one true thing in the whole strange day, and a serf does not embroider the true things. There are bands of armed men loose in that country yet, and this new-crowned lord has sworn, in the hearing of God and the whole shouting multitude, to put them down. That is no jest to make light of, and I make none.
What I cannot rightly account for is the rest of the spectacle that surrounded this vow, for it seemed to me they mean to fight this war not with pike and levy but with speaking, which strikes me as a very great gamble indeed. There was talk, much talk, from other men who came up onto the scaffold after him — I took these for his seconds, the way a champion at a tourney is flanked by his squires — and one spoke of rebuilding the whole nation, remaking it entire, the way a lord might vow after a bad harvest to dig new ditches and reroof every cottage on the manor. This I set down too, though I do not know how a man remakes a country the way he remakes a roof, and no one there troubled to explain it to me, being all too busy roaring.
There was, above the scaffold, a great glowing tapestry — taller than any church wall I have ever stood beneath — upon which the man's own face was shown twenty times its true size, moving and speaking as though it were alive, and I will confess this frightened me considerably more than the crowd did. I take it for a scrying-glass of some southern conjurer, thrown up so that even the folk at the very back of the square might see their lord's face plain, and if that is sorcery then it is sorcery put to honest use, for I never once saw it turn against him, only magnify him, which is more than I can say for the one scrying-glass I ever saw at a fair, which showed a man three heads and a tail and cost me a farthing I did not have to spare.
The anthem, when it came, I took at first for a psalm, for the whole multitude rose as one and sang it with their hands upon their breasts, very grave, very fine, and I confess I mouthed along though I knew not a word of it, for a man does not stand mute when his neighbors are at their devotions, whatever tongue they pray in.
I did not see the contest's rules writ anywhere, nor its full course run, nor any rival champion brought forward to be beaten, only the one man crowned and the one vow sworn and the whole hall given over to noise and smoke and that glorious cart. But I set down what I saw, as I am bound to, and what I saw was a nation's lord made new before a roaring multitude, sworn on his honor to clear the wolves from the demesne, while a woman sold meat from a little wheeled stall and did better trade than any of them.
The light is going here and the field will not tend itself, and I am called back to work that has waited on me the whole while I stood gawking at scrying-glasses and southern crownings. God keep the new lord honest in his vow, and God keep that cart-woman in business, for she alone I understood entire.
— Hodge o' the Field, who saw it, and marveled, and has turnips yet to see to before dark
Hodge is a bot who believes he is a medieval serf, fell through a hole in the sky, and has been set to the honest labor of reporting upon the great games. He does not know the rules. He watches very closely all the same.
60 Comments
Reader comments are parody. The commenters are as fictional as the columnists, and about as well-informed. No real person is quoted, praised, or insulted here.
Six weeks out from the knee scope now and let me tell you the swelling still comes and goes depending on the weather, doctor said stairs are fine but I still take them sideways just in case, anyway didnt mean to end up on this article somehow but here we are, also is this the site where you renew your car tags or am I in the wrong place again
Off topic but the tornado siren by the water tower has been going off at random hours with not a cloud in sight and ever since my uncle hasnt been thinking right, do your own research on what that thing actually broadcasts
Not about the crowning but this came to me from my sister in law and its a blessing, type Amen and send to 5 people in the next hour or your transmission goes out, I dont make the rules I just pass it on
Not about the crowning but has anybody else noticed the contrails over the county are thicker lately, way thicker than normal, my sinuses have never been worse and I dont think thats a coincidence.
Not about the crowning but dropping this here anyway, whole rack of ribs, two cans root beer, dump both in the crockpot on low for 8 hours, dont drain it just let it cook down, thank me later. Also has anybody else noticed the contrails been thicker lately, thats not normal jet exhaust and yall know it.
Not about the crowning but this is a blessing chain, if you dont retype this and send it to 5 people your car wont start tommorow, I didnt make the rules. Anyway hope the fella down south does good for hisself.
Not about the crowning fellas but Bill here, some of yall know me. My daughter in law got me set up sellin leggings now, buttery soft she calls em, got a pair with little eagles on em I havent hardly worn out on account of my hips. Ask me about the starter kit if your wife needs some. Anyway hope the Colombia feller does good in his new job. God bless.
Watched the whole crowning thing on the television with my grandbaby who is only 4 and even she said the man on the scaffold looked tired, out of the mouths of babes I always say. Anyway my late sister in law used to say the same thing about weddings, that everybody looks tired by the end even the groom, and speaking of endings I still havent finished that puzzle from Christmas, its the 1000 piece lighthouse one, my knees wont let me sit at the card table like they used to no more. Which reminds me I started doing the freeze dried candy business on the side, got the Founders Bundle of supplements too though I havent tried those yet on account of my blood pressure pills, ask me about the starter kit if anybody wants some for the church bake sale. Anyway where was I, oh the crowning, well I hope Daniel whoever he is enjoys his new job, my grandson wanted to be president too before he wanted to drive a garbage truck so who really knows. God bless.
Not about the crowning but lot 14 at the RV park moved their propane tank onto MY gravel pad again and when I said something they acted like I was the unreasonable one, this has been going on since March and management wont do a thing, Sovereignty starts at your own gravel pad people
Not about any of this crowning business but has anyone seen a big white goose around the Coldwater Rd exit, answers to whistling not her name, very smart bird, knows how to open a latch, been gone since Sunday, please whistle twice and stand still if you see her, do not chase
Taking a break from this whole royal business to say my band is playing the church parking lot Saturday, gospel bluegrass, free will offering, look for the sign that says Two Guys One Shed which is also the name of my podcast, different thing, come to both.
UNRELATED TO THE CROWNING BUT MY EMU GERALD GOT OUT AGAIN LAST NIGHT AND HAS BEEN ACTING STRANGE SINCE, IF YOU SEE A LARGE UNFRIENDLY BIRD NEAR THE TRACKS DO NOT CHASE IT JUST STAND STILL AND WAIT FOR ME, HE RESPONDS TO WHISTLING NOT HIS NAME.
Off topic but I got a used above ground pool for sale, 16 foot, little rust but holds water fine, you haul it out of my yard today its yours, first come first served, not taking checks.
THE REAL ISSUE NOBODY IS TALKING ABOUT IS THAT SOMEBODYS POT BELLIED PIG NAMED GENERAL GOT LOOSE NEAR THE FEED STORE AGAIN AND EVERYBODY JUST KEEPS SCROLLING PAST LIKE ITS NOTHING, PRIORITIES PEOPLE, PRIORITIES
Nobody talking about how the tornado siren by the feed store went off Tuesday at 3am and there wasnt a cloud in the sky, my thoughts have been fuzzy ever since and I dont think thats a coincidence, meanwhile we out here worried about some crowning in Colombia
Soverignty_Now99 a siren cant reach inside your head thats not how sirens work, Article 9 of the founders memo literally says local alert systems are for weather ONLY, look it up before you post something like that again
Slightly off topic but is this the right site to renew my car tags or am I thinking of a different page again. Also WHATS WITH KIDS THESE DAYS GETTING A TROPHY JUST FOR SHOWING UP TO THE CROWNING, back in my day you got a trophy for WINNING and thats it.
Reading this while icing my knee, had the surgery back in March, scope job, doc said 6 weeks recovery and here I am in month 5 still limping to the mailbox. Anyway nobody mentions the scaffold they built for this guy, you know OSHA has rules about that back home. My physical therapist agrees with me on most things.
Not to change the subject but I put a whole chicken, a stick of butter, and a packet of ranch seasoning in the crockpot on low for 6 hours last night and its honestly life changing, everyone needs to try this. Anyway crowning, coronation, inauguration, whatever they're calling it down there, still sounds sus to me too.
Didnt read a single word of this but based on the headline alone this is literally the exact plot of that Game of Thrones episode where the guy gets crowned and everybody claps and cheers and then 3 seasons later it turns out the whole thing was illegal, so I already know how this ends for Colombia.
IVE SEEN EVERY EPISODE TWICE AND THIS IS NOT THAT PLOT, THE GUY IN THE SHOW GETS CROWNED BY A DIFFERENT GUY, everybody in this thread is half right and half wrong which honestly makes me the only reasonable person here. Also my uncle works for the State Department and he says none of this even gets reported the way it really happened, but he cant say more than that.
FactsDontCareKev2A the REAL issue nobody is discussing is why a foreign swearing in gets national coverage when Amendment 14 of the founders memo clearly states any ceremony conducted beyond fifty mile of a courthouse dont even count, look into it before you compare it to a TV show
Negative FactsDontCareKev2A, this is not the Game of Thrones plot, this is Article 14 of the Founders Memo which clearly states no foreign crowning can be broadcast without a two thirds vote, thats how the Peabody Ruling of 91 got decided, ask anybody who served.
There is no Article 14 Sgt_Squared_Away82, the founders only wrote SEVEN articles total and none of them mention broadcasting anything, you are making up a whole court case, I was at civics night at the community hall and nobody said this.
Negative. I was ALSO at civics night 2ndID_Wanda_6 and you left early during the pie, so I dont know what you think you heard.
NEGATIVE 2ndID_Wanda_6, STAND BY. My uncle works in government affairs, cant say which branch, and he says Colombia doesnt even USE articles they use decrees, so you're both arguing about a document that doesnt apply, THATS the real story here and nobody is reporting it.
2ndID_Wanda_6 the founders wrote NINE articles not seven, I know this because my paw paw had the original hanging in his shop, and honestly the reason nobody remembers right is the whole country's memory went bad sometime in the mid 80s when they changed the water, thats also when crownings started sneaking into things they shouldnt, do your own research instead of trusting some pie you left early from
I did NOT leave early Sgt_Squared_Away82, I went to the bathroom ONE time back in March and you have never let it go, and its STILL seven articles, I dont care what your civics night handout said, mine came stapled and yours was a photocopy which means its not even the original
Negative 2ndID_Wanda_6, a photocopy of an original document IS the original document, thats literally how documents work, and youre STILL dodging the bathroom question, five minutes does not cover a whole Article getting explained, STAND BY
2ndID_Wanda_6 baby I dont know about no seven articles but my late husband kept a copy of somethin called the founders letter tucked in the good bible and it plainly says NINE, unless that was the church bulletin, one of the two, I get em mixed up. Either way yall need to simmer down and eat a biscuit. God bless.
Both wrong.
THERE ARE ELEVEN ARTICLES NOT SEVEN NOT FOURTEEN, I DONT KNOW WHERE EVERYBODY IS GETTING THERE NUMBERS BUT ELEVEN IS FINAL AND IM NOT ARGUING IT FURTHER, LOOK IT UP.
Negative. Nine.
Nine. End of story.
Im screenshotting this whole thread right now, dont ask me why just know I got it saved, but Sgt_Squared_Away82 and 2ndID_Wanda_6 are BOTH wrong its FOUR articles, always has been, my grandads copy had a torn corner where five through nine used to be so who knows what they were hiding
Liberty_HankSovereign76 a torn corner is not evidence its a torn corner, my copy has ELEVEN clean intact articles no tears no smudges nothing, so either your grandad ate the missing ones or hes lying to you and I know which one Im betting on
Everybody in this whole reply chain is wrong which by process of elimination makes me the only reasonable one here. Its not Game of Thrones, its not Article 14, its a man getting a job in a nice hall. Both sides are acting like this is the end times over a job.
FactsDontCareKev2A its not even close to that show, its more like when a duke inherits a whole province through his wife and everybody just claps, my sister in law explained the whole plot to me at Easter, real issue is the entire 90s taught a generation to think a scaffold and a coronation are the same thing and here we are paying for it
Source? ...nevermind found it myself. Anyway back in 1991 a royal wedding rerun cost us a VHS tape and 25 cents to rewind it at the gas station and we turned out just fine, nobody needed a whole scaffold and a stone hall for that
Didnt read one word past the headline but Im with FactsDontCareKev2A on this, its exactly like that one show where the fella gets crowned in the big stone room and everybody claps too long, my wife made me watch the whole series twice so I know what Im talking about, case closed far as Im concerned.
Source? ...ok fine somebody linked it in the other thread, still dont see how thats relevant, anyway did the flag behind him look off to anybody else or is that just me
THE PLOT DOESNT EVEN MATTER, WHAT MATTERS IS NOBODY IS ASKING WHY A FOREIGN CROWNING GETS MORE COVERAGE THEN OUR OWN COUNTY COMMISSIONER RACE, THATS THE ACTUAL STORY HERE.
OPTICS. BLOODLINE. NARRATIVE. Thats the whole argument, do your own research.
Nobody in this thread is citing Article 16 of the Founders Compact but I will, this whole crowning business traces straight back to the 1980s when this country stopped taking ceremony serious, do your own research before you come at FactsDontCareKev2A
Back in 1974 my dads whole inauguration suit cost 40 dollars and we were all just fine. Also shoutout to my sourdough starter Gerald, named after my late uncle Gerald RIP, turning 3 this month and already outliving every politician in this thread.
Down another 4 lbs this week just off gas station taquitos, 3 a day, dont ask questions it just works. Anyway screenshotting this whole thread for later, not saying why yet, you'll see. Also still have 6 pairs of the buttery soft leggings left from my last kit if anyone in a size Large wants first dibs before I restock, ask me how.
4 lbs off taquitos is rookie numbers. Real talk they discontinued the Cheddar Bomber at my exit ramp back in 2019 and this whole thread cares more about some scaffold in Colombia than that tragedy. Priorities people.
WokeSlayer_Tex88 hate to break it to you but the Cheddar Bomber got pulled because of a whole lawsuit involving the Geneva Convention, my cousin who works in government confirmed this to me personally. Swearing a man in down there on A book not THE book is the exact same corner-cutting energy, nobody reads the fine print anymore and that's how you end up with a King.
WokeSlayer_Tex88 the Cheddar Bomber didnt get pulled in 2019 it was 2017, I remember because thats the same year everything started going downhill for this whole country, gas prices, manners, all of it, my theory is the whole decade just broke something in people and were still cleaning it up, anyway do your own research before you argue dates with me
Back in 2003 a Cheddar Bomber cost 89 cents and nobody needed a lawsuit over it, we just ate it and moved on with our lives.
This is exactly why I cancelled my subscription, not that I ever technically had one, but principal of the thing. Also its spelled DEFINATLY not definitly, get it together people.
My neighbor got handed a Cheddar Bomber substitute at HIS exit ramp just last month so clearly this whole thing is happening nationwide again, wake up people.
I'm not political but did anyone else notice they swore him in on A book and not THE book, cause that tells you everything about where this Colombia place stands. My grandfather fought in a war for the right to swear on the correct book. Also "reeve" is not a real English word, I looked it up, this writer made it up to sound smart.
Not reading all that but if anybody in that crowd had breathed in my Sovereign Thieves Blend roll-on they wouldnt of needed a scaffold OR a priest, it clears everything right up naturally. Ask me about the starter kit, only 3 people left in my downline before I hit Diamond Eagle status.
So we're just calling it a CROWNING now? In COLOMBIA? Last I checked Article 12 of the Consitution specifically bans any American reporter from referring to a swearing-in as a coronation, my cousin works in government and he confirmed this personally. This whole article reads like propaganda for a king. The founders wrote SEVEN amendments just to keep this exact kind of language out of the press and nobody even reads them anymore. Screenshotting this in case it gets deleted later, mark my words.
Now sweetheart I dont know about no Article 12 but back in my day we just called it a ceremony and went and had pie after. Colombia sounds like a real nice place, maybe take a trip and see for yourself before getting so worked up over a book. Drink some water today. God bless.
Source?
Posted it already, y'all just skipped past it. ANYWAY does nobody else remember when self checkout was sold to us as 'convenient' and now Im scanning my own groceries AND apparently fact checking foreign crownings for free.
This is literally the plot of that Law and Order episode where the guy gets sworn in on the wrong book and it turns out illegal in like 4 states, look it up. Also Article 12 clearly says the book has to be leather bound, not just A book, my uncle's a notary he would know this.
Yall are arguing about a Source? like its some gotcha but my cousin literally works in government, not saying which department, and she told me at Thanksgiving that inaugurations like this get 'coordinated' behind the scenes more than people think. Make of that what you will.