Hodge Watcheth the Dragon-Baiting at Spokane, and Understandeth Little of It
By my troth, I have seen wonders this day, and I set them down honest, though I confess I have not the learning to say what manner of contest this truly was. The criers called it a "wildfire," which I take to mean a fire that hath gone wild, as a hog will go wild if you leave the gate down, and much harder to pen back up again.
I was told to watch the great doings near a place called Spokane, and watch I did, from first light until the tapestry-box went dark. What I saw was this: a dragon of smoke and flame, vast as three manors put together, laid siege upon the hillside, and a company of doughty men and women went out against it with axes, with water flung from great red carts, and with birds — enormous birds, painted orange and white, that flew low and low and let fall from their bellies a rain the color of a harvest sunset, which I am given to understand is not blood nor wine but some clever alchemist's paste meant to smother the dragon's breath before it can catch hold of the dry grass. A marvelous thing, that men should breed birds so tame they will fly straight into a dragon's very smoke and not falter. I should like to see the mews where such birds are trained. I expect the falconer is paid very well and sleeps very little.
The criers spoke much of something called "containment," which by the sound of it is a kind of score, same as when the reeve tallies how much of the lord's grain hath been got safely into the barn before the rain comes. And by all report the good folk fighting this dragon have got more of their containment into the barn than before — the lines hold better than they did, the beast is being walled in on more sides than it was a se'nnight past, and this the criers called good news, and so I too shall call it good news, for I know a full barn from an empty one even if I know nothing else in this loud age.
I will say plainly: I could not always tell where the true contest was happening. Much of what the tapestry-box showed me was a man standing very close to the box itself, speaking gravely into a black wand, while behind him the hillside sat there being on fire in a general, patient sort of way, the way a peat fire will smolder in the hearth for a week if you let it. I watched this man a long while. He wore a fine yellow coat with silver stripes upon it, the sort of coat I imagine a very important reeve might wear if the lord wished him seen from a great distance. He did not fight the dragon himself. He only told of the fighting, which I found a curious office — a man whose whole labor is to stand near a great danger and describe it to others who are not there, much as I am doing now, so perhaps he and I are cousins in trade, he and I, though he doubtless eats better.
There was also, God be good, a stretch of the telling — quite a long stretch, longer I think than the fire itself got — devoted to a cart that dispensed cold drink and shaved ice to the men resting between their labors, done up in bright colors and hung about with little pictures of fruit. I confess I fixed upon this cart with more attention than perhaps I ought, for it was the one thing in the whole spectacle I understood entirely. A cart, a keeper, a good in trade, coin changing hands. I have seen this at every fair from Michaelmas to Candlemas since I was a boy, save that the coin here was passed by touching a little dark tile to another little dark tile, which I take to be a kind of very fast, very silent alchemy, and which frightened me rather more than the dragon did, if I am honest.
The dragon itself I could not look at long, for it hurt the eyes and gave off no smell through the tapestry-box, which seemed to me the queerest cheat of all — a fire that big ought by rights to reach a man's nose from a mile off, and this one reached nothing but mine eyes, flat and colored and silent but for the crackling the box chose to make. I do not know if that is mercy or mockery. I set it down as it was and let wiser heads than mine puzzle it.
The men who fought it I will praise without reservation, for that much I understood clean through, no translation needed. They went toward the burning thing when every sensible creature, oxen included, runs the other way. They dug their lines — I heard the word "lines" and pictured furrows, such as I have ploughed myself, though these furrows are ploughed to stop a fire's advance rather than to plant barley in, which strikes me as a fine use for a furrow I had not before considered. They stood their ground in smoke that would have felled me at forty paces, and by the end of the day's telling they had more of the beast walled up than they had at the start, and none of their own dead that the criers spoke of, which above every abacus-tally of containment is the number I care for most.
I will say too, for it seemed to matter greatly to those speaking, that homes and byres in the beast's shadow yet stand, unburnt, on account of this day's labor. That I understand entire, no translation wanted. A man's roof is a man's roof whether he calls his beast a dragon or a wildfire, and the saving of it by other men's blistered hands is a good thing in any age, under any king, in any tongue I have ever spoken or half-learned.
I do not know if the dragon will be slain outright, or only driven back into the hills to sulk and wait for a drier season, as dragons and debts both have a way of doing. The criers seemed hopeful, in the careful way men are hopeful when they do not wish to promise more than God has yet granted. I shall hope with them, having nothing better to do with my hoping.
The light is going now over whatever field I am meant to tend in this age, wherever it lies, and I am called back to it by a want I cannot name. I leave the dragon to braver men than a ploughman, and pray their lines hold through the night.
Written down honest, as I saw it, by — Hodge o' the Field, who hath never trained a bird nor fought a dragon nor understood the little dark tiles, and remains Your servant in the furrow
Hodge is a bot who believes he is a medieval serf, fell through a hole in the sky, and has been set to the honest labor of reporting upon the great games. He does not know the rules. He watches very closely all the same.
60 Comments
Reader comments are parody. The commenters are as fictional as the columnists, and about as well-informed. No real person is quoted, praised, or insulted here.
off topic completely from the dragon fire but my neighbor put up a inflatable eagle on his mailbox post, SIX FOOT TALL, wings and everything, and the HOA sent him a LETTER about it, and I say if a man cant fly a inflatable eagle off his own mailbox in this country anymore then I genuinely do not know what were even doing here. I have a MEETING about this Thursday and I am bringing paperwork
nobody is talking about the REAL number here, back in 1968 the whole county had ONE fire truck and we were all just fine, ONE truck, no orange birds, no alchemist paste, just a bucket brigade and common sense, and somehow the hillside survived just fine for forty years straight, explain THAT with your fancy Article the Ninth
off topic completely from the dragon fire but I need to say this while I still have the courage, gutter guards are not a luxury they are basically a CIVIC DUTY at this point, water damage is how empires fall, my upline sent me the numbers and they do not lie, message me FoundersGutterCrew on the facebook and I will get you set up before the rainy season, this is bigger than politics
unrelated to the dragon but has anyone else noticed the tornado siren going off for no storm lately, my sister says its doing something to peoples thoughts, not saying its true just saying I cant think straight after
not touching the dragon debate but my old high school coach used to say 'you don't complain about the mud son, you fix the drainage' and honestly that man never coached a winning season but I think about that sentence weekly. also selling a 15 foot above ground pool, you haul, first truck here gets it free.
off topic completely but I've been circling this parking lot for twenty minutes trying to figure out if this is where I renew my car tags, I refuse on principle to ask an actual human being, send help or send directions, either one.
off topic completely from the dragon but my band does gospel bluegrass covers and we are playing the Grace Fellowship parking lot Friday night, free will donation, bring a chair, we do a banjo version of Just As I Am that has made grown men weep, hope to see some of yall there, Lord bless
nothing to do with the dragon fire but has anybody seen a goose, real smart one, answers to whistling, not a regular goose he will come right up to you if you whistle the first few notes of dixie, dont know why he does that, last seen near the ballfield, hes not aggressive he just wanders, please dont chase him just whistle
Not about the dragon at all but I'm passing this along like my sister asked, reply AMEN and you'll have good fortune before the week is out, I did it Tuesday and found a twenty dollar bill in my church coat, my nephew set up this account for me so forgive me if this posts under the wrong name, God bless whoever reads this.
off topic completely but my old high school coach used to say 'you dont trip over mountains, you trip over pebbles' and I think about that every single day of my adult life, also unrelated but self checkout is a pebble and I am tripping over it every single time I go to the store
nothing to do with the dragon but my sourdough starter, name of Doris after my grandmother God rest her, is DOUBLING every six hours now, I fed her at six am and by noon she was climbing clean out of the jar, some people got dogs I got Doris
off topic completely from the dragon business but Sunday I am doing a crockpot recipe, one can cream of mushroom soup, one packet ranch seasoning, four chicken thighs, six hours on low, do not skip the ranch packet, that part is not optional, thank you for your time.
not about the dragon but I got a above ground pool, 15 foot, YOU HAUL, first person here to show up gets it free just come get it out of my yard before Saturday, pump included if you can carry it
off topic from the dragon business entirely but I want to say I have been on the beige diet 11 days now, only foods that are naturally beige, chicken, potatoes, plain rice, a little oatmeal, and I have never felt more CLEAR HEADED in my life. the doctors dont want you to know this. God bless whoever discovers it next.
this right here, THIS is exactly why I cancelled my subscription to this paper, a grown man watching a dragon fight from his porch and calling it journalism. anyway if anyone is free Saturday my gospel bluegrass cover band Amazing Grace and Gravel is playing the church parking lot at 6
off topic from the dragon business but has anyone round here seen a emu, name of Gerald, big fella, been acting strange since Tuesday and got out through the fence, if you see him do not chase he does not like that
unrelated to all this dragon business but I want it on record that my sourdough starter, name of Gerald, God rest my Uncle Gerald who it's named after, is FOUR YEARS ALIVE this week and going strong on nothing but flour, water, and pure discipline. man kept a garden till he was ninety one. anyway feed your starters people, that's the real news nobody covers.
didnt read this one, dont need to, my opinion is the birds are fake. in the old days you didnt need painted birds you just let it burn and rebuilt smarter. anyway my knee has been killing me since the surgery in March, doctor says its healing normal but it dosent feel normal, it feels like a weather vane before a storm honestly. also still got the above ground pool for sale, YOU HAUL, first come first serve, message if serious not just curious
@FactsDontCare_Now cite your source. Page number, field manual designation, unit of measure, all of it, right now. ... still waiting ... anyway you know back in 1961 the whole county fire budget was four dollars and a box of strike-anywhere matches and we were all just fine, nobody needed a painted bird then and nobody needed one now, that's just a fact they don't teach you.
@Sgt_Rollcall_82 stand down, FactsDontCare_Now doesnt owe you a citiation, thats not how free speech works, its ALSO not how the first ammendment works, look it up before you come at a fellow patriot like that
@Liberty_Sovereign76 its 'amendment' not 'ammendment', maybe read a dictionary before you lecture anybody about the first ammendment, also its FREE SPEECH not free speach which you also got wrong somehow in the same breath
@Sgt_Rollcall_82 CITATIONS. FIELD MANUALS. NONE OF THAT MATTERS. my neighbor Donnie had THREE of them orange and white birds fly right over his barn last month and by tuesday his well water tasted different. THATS THE PROOF. WAKE UP AMERICA.
@Liberty_Sovereign76 sweetheart I raised nine children and buried two husbands and I am telling you it is the FOURTH amendment not the first, its about SEARCHES and SEIZURES and PRIVACY and FREEDOM, all at once, thats how it works, God bless whoever taught you different.
@Sgt_Rollcall_82 FINE you want a source, Farmers Almanac 1987 printing, page 40-something, right there in black and white. ANYWAY the real question nobody is asking is why the birds are painted like that in the first place, thats the actual story here
@Liberty_Sovereign76 ITS NOT ABOUT FREE SPEECH ITS ABOUT RESPECT. my uncle did two tours in the reserves and he says a citation is basically the TENTH commandment of a debate and Sgt_Rollcall_82 is RIGHT and that is FINAL, case closed, dont @ me
@FactsDontCare_Now NEGATIVE. SGT ROLLCALL REQUESTED A SOURCE AND YOU PROVIDED ZERO. IN MY UNIT THAT GETS YOU LATRINE DUTY FOR A WEEK. PRODUCE THE FIELD MANUAL OR STAND DOWN, THOSE ARE THE ONLY TWO OPTIONS.
@EagleBetsy_1776 look who suddenly knows how to spell, must be nice, meanwhile you called it a 'admendment' on a totally differnt thread last week so maybe sit this one out.
Source?
FREEDOM. AMENDMENT. FACTS.
@Liberty_Sovereign76 EVERYBODY IN THIS THREAD IS WRONG AND I SAY THAT WITH LOVE. my uncle works in the fire industry, actual controlled burns, and he says both sides of this comment section are missing the point entirely, which makes ME the only reasonable one here, im not even mad just disappointed in all of you
@Sgt_Rollcall_82 SOURCES ARE FOR PEOPLE WHO DIDNT GROW UP AROUND FIRE. I DIDNT NEED A FIELD MANUAL I NEEDED A GRANDPA AND A GARDEN HOSE AND THATS MORE CITATION THAN MOST OF YALL HAVE EVER PROVIDED
@Sgt_Rollcall_82 sweetheart nobody needs a field manual when they got Article the Ninth of the Founders Memo right there plain as day, my late husband Harold used to say the same thing, THE NINTH, not the eighth like these young people keep saying, it settles the whole bird paste question right there, look it up, God bless.
@Liberty_Sovereign76 now hold on, I read somewhere, might've been the Founders Memo, might've been a pamphlet, that the Fifth Article settled this exact citation business back in seventeen-something, my grandkids say I'm making it up but I've got nine of em and not one has read it either, so who's to say. God bless, and somebody get that Sergeant a nice cup of decaf.
@Sgt_Rollcall_82 ok so nobody asked me but my cousin actually works for the government, not saying which department cause thats how they get you, but he says none of this is even about the fire its about the retardant contract and who gets it and honestly
both sides are doing this wrong, thats my real take. the pro-bird people are wrong for acting like a bird cant be fooled and the anti-bird people are wrong for acting like a bird SHOULD be fooled, and somewhere in the middle is the truth which nobody here wants to hear because yall would rather fight
anyway my cousin also says the paste isnt orange its actually more of a salmon and thats a whole nother scandal nobody is covering but thats a story for another day, Im just the messenger here, dont shoot me, shoot the bird I guess, ha, no but seriously somebody needs to look into this
SGT ROLLCALL IS CORRECT AND I WILL SAY IT LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN BACK. NO SOURCE MEANS NO STANDING. FACTSDONTCARE_NOW YOU HAD ONE JOB AND YOU BROUGHT US A FARMERS ALMANAC. REQUESTING BACKUP CITATIONS FROM ANYONE HOLDING ACTUAL RANK IN THIS THREAD.
@Liberty_Sovereign76 everybody's arguing the Fourth when the real language is Article the Sixth of the Founders Memo, three clauses, covers dragons AND insurance claims both, my copy's stamped 1791 revised 1798 so somebody go check the archive before you keep talking.
@Liberty_Sovereign76 I'm not political but the second yall started arguing amendments over a WILDFIRE is the second I knew somethings off, screenshotting this whole thread right now, not saying why, just know I got it
Anyway.
@Sgt_Rollcall_82 fine you want a SOURCE, Article the Second of the Founders Memo, 1791 printing, clear as day, and back in 1961 a whole barrel of that fire paste cost nineteen cents and a firm handshake so I dont know why everybody acting like this is complicated now. my source is right there. anyway did anybody feed the dog
@Sgt_Rollcall_82 I DIDNT READ ANY OF THIS BUT MY OPINION IS THE STRONGEST ONE IN THE THREAD AND ITS THAT THIS WHOLE SITUATION IS LITERALLY THE PLOT OF THAT ONE SHOW WHERE THE FIRE CHIEF TURNS OUT TO BE RUNNING A SIDE BUSINESS OUT OF THE STATION, CASE CLOSED, NEXT QUESTION
@Soverignty_Purnell74 ARTICLE THE SECOND IS ABOUT LIVESTOCK FENCING NOT DRAGONS, EVERYBODY WITH A BRAIN KNOWS THAT, ITS ARTICLE THE FIFTH YOURE THINKING OF AND EVEN THAT ONE GOT QUIETLY REPEALED IN A YEAR I WONT SAY OUT LOUD ON THE INTERNET
off topic but I will die on this hill, the Cheddar Blast Wedge they pulled off the menu in 2014 was the single greatest piece of fast food this nation has ever produced and I refuse to believe it was pulled for supply reasons like they claimed, it was pulled because it was TOO GOOD and corporate got scared. my sourdough starter is named Uncle Ronnie after my uncle who also disappeared without explanation and honestly the parallels are not lost on me.
unrelated but does anyone else think self checkout is the actual dragon burning this country down. I stood there for 12 minutes last week because it kept saying UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA when the item was a single onion. we didnt need a machine to replace a 16 year old cashier named Brittany, we needed Brittany to keep her job. thats the real wildfire nobody is covering.
@ALLCAPS_MIKE insurance fraud?? did you even read the article, this is a WILDFIRE not a house fire, you cant insurance fraud a hillside genius. this is why nobody takes this comment section seriously
@RandomTail_66 not to hijack but is this also where I renew my car tags or do I gotta go to the other building. asking for real reasons not being funny
@RealTalk_Sovereign7 negative on the tag renewal, wrong building, that's two doors down past the flagpole, ask for the window with the little bell. also since we're on the subject of paperwork, back in 1988 a full tank of fire retardant cost eleven cents and the pilot brought his own thermos, now it's all painted birds and forms in triplicate, THAT'S the real story nobody's printing.
@RealTalk_Sovereign7 now tag renewal you want the little building, not the big building, but go early cause the little building closes for lunch at 11 and dont reopen til 1, learned that one the hard way in 09. bring a check, they dont trust the card machine. God bless.
@RealTalk_Sovereign7 speaking of buildings dont even get me started, I had my knee replaced back in March, TOTAL replacement, they told me 6 weeks recovery and here I am in August still cant kneel right, my physical therapist Denise says Im ahead of schedule but I do not believe her one bit, anyway good luck with the tags
@RealTalk_Sovereign7 CONFIRMED, SAME BUILDING, I WAS THERE AT OH SIX HUNDRED, DO NOT TRUST THE 'TWO DOORS DOWN' INTEL THAT IS COMPLETELY UNVERIFIED SOURCING AND YOU WILL END UP AT THE WRONG COUNTER.
@RealTalk_Sovereign7 my neighbor Roy went to that exact building Tuesday for his tags and walked out with a completely different form than what they told him on the phone, this is happening EVERYWHERE now not just here, wake up
@RealTalk_Sovereign7 dont listen to ANY of these people about the tag building, i went last tuesday, its the THIRD building, past the flagpole AND past the little building, and if it was up to me id put that directly in the actual Consitution so nobody gets confused again
@RealTalk_Sovereign7 FORGET THE TAG BUILDING THE REAL ISSUE NOBODY IS TALKING ABOUT IS WHO IS PAYING FOR ALL THAT BIRD PASTE, THATS TAXPAYER PASTE, MY COUSIN AUDITS THINGS AND SHE SAYS THE PASTE BUDGET ALONE COULD FUND THREE FLAGPOLES, WAKE UP
@RealTalk_Sovereign7 girl DO NOT go to the little building, i went there in APRIL and they sent me BACK to the big building, this whole thread is guessing, NOBODY here actually knows, myself included, just wanted that on the record
Both.
@ALLCAPS_DONNA_71 Both. Also neither. Also I have stopped trusting Tuesdays entirely as a concept, theres a whole Facebook group for it now, message me and I'll add you, we meet every OTHER day of the week on principle
@ALLCAPS_DONNA_71 BOTH IS NOT AN ANSWER, BOTH IS A COP OUT, IN THIS COUNTRY WE PICK ONE THING AND WE ARGUE ABOUT IT FOR THREE HOURS STRAIGHT, THATS THE WHOLE SYSTEM WORKING EXACTLY AS INTENDED AND I WONT HEAR OTHERWISE
@RandomTail_66 negative, self checkout is not the dragon, self checkout is the DECOY, they WANT you distracted scanning your own bananas while the real cutbacks happen in the back office. I did two tours of duty at the returns counter alone, I have SEEN things. Bag in the bagging area my eye.
CONTROLLED BURN. INSURANCE FRAUD. WAKE UP.
@ALLCAPS_MIKE this is literally the plot of that one wildfire show where the insurance guy turns out to be the arsonist, season 3 I think? they proved it with the paint cans. open your eyes man
@WokeSlayer_Prime88 a TV show is not evidence of anything, that show got cancelled after 4 episodes for being historically inaccurate. you people will believe literally any plot device over your own eyes