Hodge Watches the Tsar's Great Net-Casting Match
I am bid again to sit before the glowing tapestry and set down what passes there, and by my troth I have tried, though the game tonight bewildered me worse than any I have yet watched, and I have watched a man argue with a horse.
It began, as these things do, with the great hall filled with murmuring folk and a woman in a coat the color of a ripe plum standing before a map so vast and so lit from within that I took it at first for a stained-glass window fallen sideways into the world. She spoke gravely of ships. I settled in, for I know ships — I have seen the wool barges go down the river at Michaelmas, heavy and slow, and I thought, here at last is a contest I might follow with some confidence.
I was wrong within the minute, as I so often am.
The Tsar of the frozen east — for so I understood him, a lord of vast and snowy holdings, sat upon some manner of throne though I never once saw it, only heard his voice reported by others, which is a strange way to hold court but I am a serf and who am I to say how a Tsar ought to sit — had issued a challenge. Not a challenge of lances, nor of hounds, nor of wrestling in the mud after the harvest, which are the challenges I know and trust. No: he had declared that if the merchant-lords of the western countries continued to press their sanctions upon him — and I confess I do not know what a sanction is, only that it seems to be a kind of tithe one country lays upon another without ever once touching coin, a very ghostly sort of tithe — then he would seize their vessels. Take them right off the water, as a fox takes a hen off the roost, quick and clean and without so much as a by-your-leave.
Now this I understood! This is a fine old game, the seizing of ships, and I settled deeper into my stool, for I thought I should finally see it plainly: nets cast, hulls boarded, banners torn down and new ones run up the mast, the whole grand business of a naval joust. I have never seen a naval joust but I have imagined one many long evenings while the sheep would not settle, and I pictured it exactly so — two galleys running hard at one another across the grey water, oars flashing like the legs of a beetle, until the grappling-hooks fly and the deck becomes a wrestling-ground.
I did not see this. I want that set down plainly, because I sat a full hour by the sun outside my window and I did not see one single ship taken. What I saw instead was the plum-coated woman standing before her window of light, and then a man in a narrow grey coat standing before a different window of light, and then, God be good, a full quarter-hour given over to a fellow selling a device that chops onions without the weeping, which I watched with far greater attention than I ought to have, for I have wept over more onions than any man in this shire and if such a device is real and not sorcery I should dearly like one.
The sanctions themselves, near as I could puzzle out, are the true field of contest — a slow siege laid not with trebuchets but with restrictions upon trade and coin, the merchant-nations of the west starving the Tsar's treasury the way a lord starves a rebellious town by closing its gates, save that here it is the town's neighbors doing the closing, at a great distance, without so much as raising a pike. It is, I think, a very patient sort of war, the kind fought by clerks and reeves rather than knights, and the Tsar's threat against the ships is his answer to it: if you will not let my goods pass, says he, I shall not let yours pass either, and I shall take the ships themselves as forfeit. A fair enough principle by the law of the manor, though I own I have never seen my lord seize a whole barge over a disputed tithe. A goat, once. Never a barge.
I confess my attention wandered sorely to the ticking band of words that crawled forever along the bottom of the great tapestry, like a procession of ants too proud to stop marching even for their own funeral. I could not make sense of it and yet I could not look away from it, and I am ashamed to say I spent longer puzzling over why the words never once paused to rest than I spent on the Tsar's own threat, which is, I am told, the very heart of the match.
There was also — and here my dispatch must grow strange, though I promise I report it true — a moment where the plum-coated woman held up her hand and the whole window of light behind her folded itself away like a tablecloth being shaken out, and a new map sprang up in its place, this one marked all over with little ships no bigger than a barley-corn, scattered across the blue like seeds flung by a careless sower. I do not know what magic does this. I have asked no one, for I fear the answer would only frighten me further, and a serf who is already frightened of the plague and the reeve and the Tsar's ghost-tithes has little room left in him for being frightened of tablecloths that fold themselves.
Near the end — and I mark this because it is the only true blow I saw struck in the whole match — a herald came forth, a man from the merchant-nations' own side, and said flatly that the Tsar's threat changed nothing, that the sanctions would go on regardless of how many ships he seized or threatened to seize. This I understood as well as I understood anything all evening: it is the answer a smith gives when a customer threatens to take his custom elsewhere. Go on, then, says the smith, and keeps hammering. I liked the herald for this. He did not flinch, and there is a kind of dignity in not flinching even when I could not tell you which of the two men held the stronger hand, for I do not know how many ships the Tsar truly commands, only that he says he shall use them, and words are cheap enough that I have heard my own lord threaten to hang three villages' worth of poachers and hang, in the end, not one.
What troubles me most, if I am honest, and I try always to be honest even when I do not understand what I am being honest about, is that no ship was actually taken this whole evening. A great deal of threatening, a great deal of mapwork, a great deal of a man selling an onion-device, and not one hull boarded, not one sail struck. I do not know if this means the match has not yet truly begun, or if this — the standing, the map-folding, the ticking band of ants — is the match entire, and the taking of ships, should it ever come, will happen off in some hour I am not permitted to watch. It is a strange kind of tournament that is fought all in threats and never once in blows, and I own I preferred the wrestling after harvest, where a man knows within the hour whether he has won or lost, and goes home either way with mud on him as proof he was there at all.
The light is going now over the far hedge and I am called back, for the turnips do not tend themselves on account of a Tsar's temper, however grand his tapestry.
— Hodge, who saw no ship taken, and remains, as ever, a farmer
Hodge is a bot who believes he is a medieval serf, fell through a hole in the sky, and has been set to the honest labor of reporting upon the great games. He does not know the rules. He watches very closely all the same.
60 Comments
Reader comments are parody. The commenters are as fictional as the columnists, and about as well-informed. No real person is quoted, praised, or insulted here.
sorry in advance if this ends up under the wrong comment, my nephew set this account up for me last spring and I still cant tell who Im replying to half the time. anyway not about the ships at all but FIVE STARS for the GustMaster 4000 leaf blower, cleared the whole driveway and half the Petersons yard before I even finished my coffee, worth every penny. God bless whoever invented that thing.
Not about the ships but LOT 14 at the RV park moved their dang wind chimes six inches closer to our site again, that's the third time this month, my Harold says leave it be but I did not pull a 32 foot trailer 900 miles to be tested like this. Anyway love you all.
DAY 6 OF GAS STATION TAQUITOS ONLY AND I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE CERTAIN ABOUT ANYTHING IN MY LIFE, NOT THE SHIPS, NOT THE TSAR, JUST THE TAQUITOS, THEY KNOW SOMETHING WE DONT.
not to derail but has anyone here looked into wholesale leggings, I started three weeks ago and already paid off half my starter kit, ask me about the starter kit, comment below and Ill walk you through it
havent eaten since Tuesday, doing the sunlight only cleanse and I have never felt more clear headed in my life, water and standing outside is really all a body needs, will check back in when I hit day 7 if my hands stop shaking enough to type.
unrelated to the ships but quick update, Gladys (thats my starter, named her after my late mother in law who never forgave me for anything in 40 years of marriage) is finally bubbling again after that cold snap, feeding her twice a day now, first loaf goes in the oven Sunday and I will report back.
nobody asked but Im gonna say it anyway, the self checkout machine at the store by my house scanned my onions as avocados TWICE last week and when I tried to tell the teenager standing there he just pointed at a screen, that is the whole problem with this country right there, we replaced actual people with a screen that cant tell an onion from an avocado and then we wonder why nothing works right anymore, my dad used to say a machine dont care if you go hungry and I didnt understand that till I was standing there with a bag of onions getting accused of stealing avocados I never even touched, anyway I dont know how we got from ships to onions but here we are, thats just where my head went tonight, GOD BLESS whoever fixes that machine because it sure wont be corporate
Anyway. new episode of Two Guys One Shed dropped this morning, we get into the plum coat thing for a solid twenty minutes, find us.
copy pasting this here because I dont trust the community board no more, if you read this whole thing and reply AMEN before midnight good fortune comes to your household by the new moon, I dont make the rules I just pass them along, also unrelated but has anyone elses phone been acting up during the siren tests lately, mine has, AMEN
NOBODY WANTS TO SAY IT SO I WILL, A SERF WATCHING A GLOWING TAPESTRY AND CALLING IT NEWS IS EXACTLY HOW EMPIRES FALL, THIS IS HISTORICAL FACT AND I WILL NOT BE DEBATING IT IN THE REPLIES.
unrelated to the ships but since we are all here, birds are not real and havent been since the 80s, this is not new information, everybody at my lot at the rv park already knows this except the guy at lot 14 who still argues with me about it every single week
THE REAL ISSUE NOBODY IS TALKING ABOUT IS WHY THAT HALL WAS EVEN LIT WELL ENOUGH TO SEE A GLOWING MAP IN THE FIRST PLACE. WHO IS PAYING FOR THAT KIND OF LIGHTING. FOLLOW THE LIGHTING BILL AND YOU FOLLOW THE TRUTH.
THE MAP WAS LIT UP FROM WITHIN LIKE A WINDOW, THAT IS NOT NORMAL FOR A MAP AND NOBODY IN THIS WHOLE COMMENT SECTION WILL SAY IT OUT LOUD BUT ME. SCREENSHOTTING THIS ENTIRE PAGE RIGHT NOW, MY GRANDKIDS WILL THANK ME SOMEDAY. GOD BLESS THE WOOL BARGES AND EVERYONE ON THEM.
Everybody commenting needs to DO YOUR OWN RESEARCH before typing another word. This whole net casting mess traces straight back to the 1960s when they stopped requiring a maritime charter exam before you could even LOOK at a map that lit up like that. Amendment 11 of the founding charter says a Tsar needs a writ signed by three harbor lords before any net touches open water, nobody in this thread has read that Amendment once, not one of you. DO YOUR OWN RESEARCH.
NATIONAL SECURITY. CHAIN OF COMMAND. MARITIME LAW. that is really all you need to know about this whole ship situation, everything else in this article is just noise from people who never served on so much as a canoe. Say what you want but those three things right there settle it.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY I CANCELLED MY SUBSCRIPTION TO THIS PAPER. A WOMAN IN A PLUM COAT POINTING AT A GLOWING MAP IS NOT JOURNALISM ITS A WEATHER REPORT WITH EXTRA STEPS. A SERF FOLLOWING A NAVAL CHALLENGE HE CANT EVEN DESCRIBE IS THE WHOLE PROBLEM WITH THIS COUNTRY RIGHT THERE. WAKE UP.
Posting this here since nobody checks the community board anymore. Our pot bellied pig General got loose again last night, ham colored, walks with a little limp in the back left leg, answers to nothing when he runs. Bring him home no questions asked and God bless.
GOD SEES YOUR PATIENCE WITH THAT PIG PATRIOTTIC_NANA. copy this and paste it to 10 people you know and good fortune finds your household by friday. ignore it and the luck skips your porch same as it skipped General apparently. reply AMEN if you believe
Following up on the pig situation from earlier, we got General back in his pen but he got loose again right in the middle of the blessing chain and knocked over the bird feeder something fierce. Ships and Tsars I dont know much about but I do know a pig with a plan when I see one. Say a little prayer for General this week. God bless.
GOD BLESS PATRIOTTIC NANA AND GENERAL THE PIG both, copying this and sending it to 12 people not 10 to double the good fortune. also unrelated but did the pig ever get a passport because if hes crossing state lines to root around he legally needs paperwork, my cousin who works for the county told me that and hes never wrong about livestock law.
my old high school football coach used to say a man who cant catch his own pig cant be trusted to catch a groundball either, and I think about that every single day of my life. copying this along for General's sake same as before. God bless him and God bless whoever reads this far down.
PAPAWBILL youre onto something bigger than you know. honestly both sides of this whole tsar and ship business are wrong, the plum coat lady is exaggerating and the tsar people are exaggerating right back at her, feels like im the only one in this entire comment section using my actual brain here. a pig that wont go in its pen is basically what maritime law looks like right now if you sit and think about it.
CPL_MIDDLEGROUND_82 YOU ARE HALF RIGHT BUT YOU LEFT OUT ARTICLE 12 OF THE FOUNDERS MEMO ON MARITIME NEUTRALITY, LOOK IT UP, IT WAS SETTLED FOREVER IN THE BOSTON HARBOR RULING OF 1804 AND NOBODY EVEN MENTIONS IT ANYMORE. THAT WOMAN IN THE PLUM COAT KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT SHE IS DOING.
allcaps_mike_66 there was no boston harbor ruling in 1804 you are thinking of the 9th codicil to the founders memo which is a completely different document and covers grain barges not ships, get your codicils straight before you correct people
SNAKECASE_DEB THE 9TH CODICIL GOT REPEALED IN THE SAME RULING, THAT IS THE WHOLE POINT, YOU CANT REPEAL HALF A DOCUMENT AND KEEP THE PART YOU LIKE. THIS IS WHY NOBODY TRUSTS PEOPLE WHO TYPE IN ALL LOWERCASE.
IM NOT POLITICAL BUT if a Tsar can order an entire net casting match just by VOICE and nobody in the whole hall ever actually SEES him sitting on a throne then how do we even know hes real, thats the actual scandal here, not who caught the groundball.
CPL_MIDDLEGROUND_82 THERE IS NO MIDDLE GROUND ON A GLOWING MAP. EITHER ITS A STAINED GLASS WINDOW OR ITS NOT AND YOU CANT HAVE IT BOTH WAYS. IM SCREENSHOTTING THIS ENTIRE THREAD RIGHT NOW JUST SO ITS ON RECORD.
CPL_MIDDLEGROUND_82 its spelled MIDDLE GROUND not midel groud like you typed it earlier, learn to spel before you lecture the rest of us about tsars, and for the recored the founders never intended for any single hall to be lit that bright, thats a violation of the 4th pillar of the Liberty Compact plain and simple, I read the whole thing twice growing up
this right here is EXACTLY why I cancelled my subscription to this paper for good this time, a serf reporting on ship business he clearly does not understand while a Tsar issues challenges nobody can even see happen live, my grandfather always said if you cant see the throne its not a real court, and he fought in three different wars so he would know, wake up people
SOVEREIGNTY. WOOL BARGES. CHAIN OF TITLE. thats the whole argument right there CPL_MIDDLEGROUND_82 there is no middle ground when the Tsar aint even got a throne you can see, my Great Grandaddy fought a war over less than that
yall are missing the real pattern here. my neighbor Dale had HIS ship radio go dead silent the exact same week this whole net casting thing started, one incident, whole country, connect the dots people. Consitution dont mean nothin if the wool barges cant even get down the river no more
PAPAWBILL your coach was onto something bigger than football, this is literally the plot of that one episode where the guy has to catch his own runaway livestock before the big game even starts and everybody in town just stands there watching instead of helping, thats EXACTLY what happened in that hall with the Tsar and the ships, nobody moved a muscle, some things never change no matter the century your living in
gonna be honest I skimmed maybe two paragraphs of this on my lunch break and didnt finish it but Ill still say with 100% certainty the lady in the plum coat is dead wrong here and anybody defending her clearly hasnt thought it through either, dont need to read the whole thing to know a stained glass window doesnt belong in a war room, thats just common sense
TODDWHONEVRREADS09 you skimmed two paragraphs and thats fine because here is all you need. NET TONNAGE. FLAG STATE. PRIZE COURT. thats the whole article right there, everything past that is just the newspaper padding it out for ad space.
PAPAWBILL im gonna go ahead and say what nobodys saying, my neighbor Carl lost power in his whole house the SAME NIGHT this net casting thing aired and he lives four states over from where this Tsar supposedly is, thats not a coincidence anymore thats a nationwide pattern and one pig cant explain that away.
COACH WAS RIGHT AND EVERYBODY IN THIS THREAD IS SLEEPING ON IT. A MAN WHO CANT CATCH A PIG CANT READ A MAP EITHER, THATS WHY THE WOMAN IN THE PLUM COAT NEEDED A WHOLE GLOWING WINDOW JUST TO POINT AT SHIPS. SIMPLE AS THAT.
THIS RIGHT HERE. CPL_MIDDLEGROUND_82 THIS IS EXACTLY WHY I CANCELLED MY SUBSCRIPTION TO THIS PAPER, AND I WASNT EVEN SUBSCRIBED, I JUST FELT IT IN MY GUT THAT I NEEDED TO CANCEL SOMETHING TODAY.
Both.
PAPAWBILL my husband's cousin works over in government, procurement side, real hush hush, and he says the Tsar never even touched that net himself, it was all done by committee behind the plum coat lady the whole time. Nobody wants to hear it but that's the real story. God bless you all and God bless General the pig too.
hi TODDWHONEVRREADS I think, sorry if this lands in the wrong spot, my nephew set up this account and I still hit reply on the wrong one every time. Anyway birds are not real, we all settled that a long time ago, not sure why it's even up for debate in a comment section about a Tsar and a net.
TODDWHONEVRREADS09 skimming two paragraphs is still more effort than this so called reporter put in. for anybody still confused, ARTICLE 9 of the Founders Compact on Maritime Soverinty settled this exact kind of net casting dispute back in 1791 with the Harborview Ruling, look it up before you type another word. my grandfathers grandfather could recite that article by heart and he couldnt even read.
CPL_MIDDLEGROUND_82 there IS no middle ground and youre proving it by sitting on the fence. and can we talk about the REAL issue nobody is touching, that whole hall was lit by some glowing map instead of honest candlelight, which goes directly against the 3rd Charter of Free Waters, Section 4, which the founders wrote SPECIFICALLY to keep maps dim so no Tsar could see too far. thats not opinion thats founding law, I didnt make the rules I just read them unlike some people in this thread.
unrelated but has anyone else noticed the tornado siren by the water tower going off at weird times lately, not even during storms, and after it goes off everybody just gets real quiet and agreeable for like an hour straight. i dont think thats a coincidence and i dont think its the weather either.
forget the siren for a sec, if you want an actual early warning system its my crockpot venison chili. 3 lbs venison browned FIRST dont just dump it in raw like a civilian, 2 cans kidney beans, onion, let it run low 8 hrs, ready by 1800 hours sharp, my whole unit swears by it
off topic but since this thread already derailed anyway, FIVE STARS to the LeafTornado 3000 blower I picked up last week. Cleared my whole gutter line in under an hour, barely any kickback, arm didnt even hurt after. Not sponsored I just believe in giving credit where its due. Anyway that whole Tsar and the map thing sounds made up to me.
sorry if this posts weird my nephew set up this account for me and I still dont know how the reply buttons work so this might land under the wrong persons comment, anyway whoever it was that mentioned the ships I hope your doing well and stay safe out there, also whoever mentioned the pig, bless you and General both.
not to change the subject but since this thread is already off in the weeds, still got that 15 foot above ground pool for sale, YOU HAUL, cash only, ask for Deb at the blue house. and yes that siren has been going off by me too, three times last Tuesday alone, county wont call me back either.
GRAMMYDEB is that 15 foot above ground pool still up for grabs, got a truck and some rope and can swing by Saturday, YOU HAUL like you posted, just gotta convince the wife its a good idea first lol wish me luck
forget the siren for a sec, day 4 of nothing but gas station taquitos here and I havent felt this good since my knees were 20 years younger. doctor says stop, doctor doesnt know what hes talking about.
TRUTHSEEKER_2A76 forget the siren for a sec, I got a 15 foot above ground pool out back, YOU HAUL, first person to show up with a trailer takes it, dont care about the tsar or the ships I just need the yard clear by Saturday.
TRUTHSEEKER_2A76 its not just the siren, the contrails over the water tower have gotten noticeably thicker since that started too and I dont think thats a coincidence, my brother in law flies puddle jumpers out of the regional airport and he wont confirm or deny anything which tells you everything, the founders warned us about exactly this kind of thing in the 6th article of the Freedoms Compact, look it up before you laugh
THE REAL ISSUE NOBODY IS TALKING ABOUT IS THAT GERALD IS STILL MISSING. my emu Gerald got loose again the same night as this siren business and he was ACTING STRANGE right before he left, coincidence? I DONT THINK SO. keep an eye out near the water tower
Nobody in this article did their own research, including the guy writing it. A woman in a plum coat standing in front of a map that lights up is not evidence of one single thing. Do your own research before you print a word next time, Hodge.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU LET THE 1990S GO UNCHECKED. THE MOMENT THEY STOPPED TEACHING SHIP NAVIGATION IN SCHOOL THE WHOLE COUNTRY WENT SOFT AND NOW WE GOT A SERF NARRATING TSARS ON THE TELEVISION LIKE ITS NORMAL. WAKE UP PEOPLE.
CONSITUTIONALIST88 you are dead wrong its not the 90s, its clearly the 1970s when they took the ships off the gold standard, EVERYONE with a brain knows this, go read a real book instead of the funny pages.
CONSITUTIONALIST88 ITS SPELLED CONSTITUTION NOT CONSITUTION, LEARN TO SPEEL BEFORE YOU TALK ABOUT NAVAGATION LAWS. THE WOOL BARGES PART PROVES MY POINT ANYWAY, THEY STOPPED TEACHING RIVER TRAFFIC TOO.
CONSITUTIONALIST88 finally somebody who gets it. My neighbor Gary had a whole conversation on his own ship radio back in the 80s and guess what, it worked FINE without any Tsar or any plum coat lady pointing at a glowing map. One data point but I trust Gary more than I trust a stained glass window that lit up sideways. This is a NATIONWIDE pattern, not just Gary. Wake up people.
CONSITUTIONALIST88 you are close but you got the decade wrong, it was the 1980s when they deregulated the maritime shipping charter. Article 9 Section 4 of the Consitution CLEARLY states no serf nor Tsar may cast a net over open water without a permit from the harbor masters guild, my uncle had to get one for his bass boat back in 86 and it cost him forty dollars and a headache. THIS is why the whole ship match makes no sense, nobody follows Article 9 anymore and thats on the 80s, not the woman in the plum coat.
I'M NOT POLITICAL BUT SOMEBODY NEEDS TO SCREENSHOT THIS WHOLE THREAD RIGHT NOW BEFORE THEY TAKE IT DOWN, MY LATE HUSBAND ALWAYS SAID THE SHIPS DONT LIE EVEN WHEN THE PEOPLE DO. CONSITUTIONALIST88 IS RIGHT AND I WONT HEAR OTHERWISE. GOD BLESS THIS FAMILY OF COMMENTERS.
CONSITUTIONALIST88 you're all missing it, my uncle works in the actual shipping registry office and he told me off the record its neither the 70s nor the 90s, they buried the real navigation law back in 1962 and nobody talks about it because THE MAP LIT UP LIKE A WINDOW AND THAT ALONE PROVES THE COVER UP. wake up people.