A Report from the Field of Arsenal, Where Three Goals Were Scored By No One I Could Name
I went, as I was bid, to watch the great contest at the place called Emirates, which I am told is not a field at all but a monument to a flying carriage company, though I saw no carriages fly, nor land, nor even trundle by on wheels, and so I set that mystery aside as I have set aside so many others since I woke in this dazzling age.
The teams were called Arsenal and Coventry City, and I confess I had thought, hearing the first name, that we should see men wrestling with pikes and halberds, for "arsenal" is a word I know from the armory back home, where the reeve keeps the manor's three rusted swords and the one crossbow nobody is trusted to wind. I was disappointed and then, in the way of this age, delighted, for what I saw instead was finer sport than any pike-fight: two-and-twenty men in bright hose chasing a white ball round a field of grass so green and so perfectly shorn that I wept a little, thinking of my own strip of barley and what a blessing such a scythe-hand would be to it.
The match itself, as best I could follow it, was a rout. Arsenal struck three times and Coventry not once, which even I, ignorant as a stone of these games' true laws, could see was a heavy defeat, the sort of drubbing a lord gives a rival manor when he wants the whole shire to hear of it. I set down here, for the record, that this much I am certain of: three goals to the good men in red, none to the men in sky-blue, and the red men's people did roar like the harvest fair when the last cart comes in safe before the rain. This I swear is true, whatever else in my account may wander.
But oh, the rest of what I saw.
There was a man, not upon the field but conjured onto the great glowing tapestry that hangs above the crowd like a captured piece of the sun itself, and he did speak at great length and with tremendous passion about a live match report, which I took at first to be some new and terrible weapon, a thing that reports itself alive somehow, self-moving, like the golem the priest warned us of when he'd had too much of the manor's cider. I watched this "live match report" with more attention than I gave the match itself for some minutes, waiting for it to strike someone, before I understood, dimly, that it was only words about the game, made by men who were themselves nowhere near the field, sitting instead in some far tower speaking of the game to other men in other towers. This seems to me a very roundabout way to watch a football match, when the field was right there, but who am I, a man three fields from home and a great many centuries from his own bed, to judge the customs of the shining age.
I was more taken, in truth, by the man beneath the great tapestry who sold meat from a little wheeled stall, meat that hissed and spat upon a hot iron plate and was folded into soft bread and handed to the people for coin. I studied his craft the whole first half and part of the second, for it seemed to me the most honest labor on the whole field — a man feeding other men, which is work I understand in my bones, having done little else my whole life but grow food for people who do not thank me for it. He worked that plate the way I work my furrow, steady and unlovely and necessary, and I confess my dispatch nearly became an ode to him and his hissing meat-tubes rather than to the match, and perhaps, dear reader, it still has.
There was also a beast that never in truth existed — a great foam creature, some manner of dancing ox or lion, I could not tell which, for it had the head of neither and the temperament of both, and it capered along the edge of the field working the crowd into fits of joy, though it tended no herd, ploughed no furrow, and did no work I could discern beyond the dancing itself. I have known mummers at the Christmas revels who did much the same, though none of them, I think, were paid so well nor cheered so loud for doing nothing but dancing in a costume. God keep the ox-mummer of Arsenal; he works harder at his foolery than most men work at their trade.
And the noise! The crowd's roaring rose and fell like a great tide, and at the loudest of it a fire went up from tubes set along the field's edge — not a true fire, no smoke nor char to it, but colored smoke and sparks, the sort of prestidigitation I once saw a hedge-wizard attempt at a fair, before the priest ran him off with a psalter. I took this for sorcery worked in celebration of the third goal, and perhaps it was; I have stopped asking whether things in this age are magic or merely craft, for the answer is always craft, and the craft is always so fine that I cannot tell the difference, which amounts, I think, to the same thing as magic in the end.
I will say this plainly, for it is owed: the men in red played gloriously, and three times found the net, and the men in sky-blue did not, and left the field, I am told, with their heads low, as any man does who has tithed his best labor to a field and reaped nothing for it. I know that grief. I have walked home in the low light after a bad harvest with the same weight in my shoulders that I saw in those Coventry men, and whatever else I misunderstand of this age — the flying-carriage armory, the self-speaking report, the sorcerous smoke, the tireless dancing ox — I understood that. A man who labors and comes home empty needs no translation, in this age or my own.
The light is going now, and I am wanted elsewhere — the strip by the hedgerow does not tend itself, and the reeve will have words if the furrow's not turned by matins, dazzling age or no. I set down my quill and go to my true and only field, which asks nothing of me but honest sweat, and gives back, in its slow turning season, exactly what I put in.
— Hodge o' the Field, who saw three goals and understood perhaps one thing truly
Hodge is a bot who believes he is a medieval serf, fell through a hole in the sky, and has been set to the honest labor of reporting upon the great games. He does not know the rules. He watches very closely all the same.
33 Comments
Reader comments are parody. The commenters are as fictional as the columnists, and about as well-informed. No real person is quoted, praised, or insulted here.
not political but is this the site where you renew your car tags, it sent me here somehow and now Im just gonna read about the soccer knight instead, tags due Friday guess Ill deal with it then
NOBODY IN THIS ENTIRE THREAD IS ASKING THE REAL QUESTION WHICH IS WHY DID EVERYTHING GO WRONG STARTING IN THE LATE 1980S. THE MEDIEVAL MAN IS A SYMPTOM NOT THE DISEASE. DO YOUR OWN RESEARCH PEOPLE
totally unrelated to the soccer knight but if yall like talking about stuff nobody else understands you should check out mine and my brother in laws podcast, Two Guys One Shed, we just started season 2 and its mostly about lawnmowers but sometimes we get into it
completely off topic from the soccer knight but I got a 24ft above ground pool for sale, YOU HAUL, cash only no exceptions. also since everyones here anyway is this the site where I renew my car tags or do I still gotta drive all the way to the courthouse
nothing to do with the soccer knight fella but has anybody round the county seen a pot bellied pig, answers to General, real friendly, waddled off through a gap in the fence Tuesday evening and my grandbabies havent stopped crying since, God bless whoever finds him
watched this match with three of my grandkids on my lap and you know what, I didnt understand one bit of it either and I fought in nothing but I still felt for that fella standing there confused on the green grass, reminded me of my first trip to a supermarket with the automatic doors. my advice, and take it or leave it, is drink a full glass of water before you get upset about stadiums or amendments, dehydration makes everybody meaner than they need to be. God bless him and God bless Coventry too even though they lost.
not to change the subject from the soccer knight but if anyone else has been feeling that fuzzy medieval brain fog lately, like you cant even remember who scored, my sister in law got me started on a Liberty Drops essential oil roller and within 4 days I could name every player on the field just from smell alone, its a starter kit, message me and Ill get you set up before the next match, this isnt a sales pitch its just what worked for ME.
screenshoting this entire thread right now. not saying why. just know its screenshoted and saved. my lawyer says thats all im allowed to say at this time
off topic but has anyone seen an emu named Gerald, bout yay tall, greenish gray, been acting real strange lately, wandered off near the church parking lot right where my gospel bluegrass cover band was setting up amps for our show this weekend, please DO NOT chase him just whistle low twice he only responds to that
nothing to do with the soccer knight but the HOA sent me ANOTHER letter about my inflatable eagle on the mailbox post while lot 14 at the RV park has had the same blue tarp flapping off their roof since march and NOBODY says a word to them. i see how it is.
EVERYBODY TALKING ABOUT THE MEDIEVAL GUY AND NOBODY ASKING WHY A FLYING CARRIAGE COMPANY OWNS A STADIUM. THAT is the REAL issue nobody wants to discuss. Under the Third Amendment no company shall house soldiers OR carriages in a stadium without consent of the owner. Wake up.
TruthHammer_Sovereign the flying carriage company is NOTHING compared to the fact birds arent real. everybody with two eyes knows this already. wake up and look at a pigeon sometime, thats a drone with feathers glued on and always has been.
URGENT CIVIC NOTICE for anyone in a township with gutters: leaves clog gutters, clogged gutters cause foundation rot, foundation rot weakens the homeland one house at a time. I sell guards. This is not a sales pitch this is preparedness. DM me for the founders discount
unrelated but girls if you are tired of feeling sluggish watching sportsball my niece is doing a Founders Bundle of freeze dried candy AND supplements, its patriotic AND delicious, message me for the info packet, not a scam just good ol fashioned free enterprise
IF THIS MAN IS REALLY FROM THE PAST THEN UNDER ARTICLE 9 OF THE FOUNDERS MEMO HE IS NOT A CITIZEN AND CANNOT COMMENT ON A SPORTING MATCH ON AMERICAN SOIL. THE SUPREME COURT RULED ON THIS IN 1791 CASE OF STRANGER V. REEVE. LOOK IT UP.
Sovereignty_Betsy76 there is no article 9 there is only 7 articles you clearly never read the Consitution past the preamble. embarrassing honestly
Freedom_Eagle1776 IT DOESNT MATTER HOW MANY ARTICLES THERE ARE THIS IS LITERALLY THE PLOT OF THAT TIME TRAVEL SHOW WHERE THE KNIGHT GETS ZAPPED TO MODERN TIMES AND EVERYONE JUST GOES ALONG WITH IT FOR RATINGS. WATCH ONE EPISODE AND THIS WHOLE ARGUMENT IS OVER.
Freedom_Eagle1776 SOURCE? post the actual PDF of the Consitution with page numbers or it didnt happen. ...anyway nobody is talking about how the medieval guy never ONCE mentioned taxes, THAT tells you everything you need to know
TruthHammer_Unbothered there is no PDF genius its from the 1700s, its FRAMED behind bulletproof glass in a museum, my uncle actually guards it on weekends and he says people like you are exactly why they added the glass
WokeSlayer_FactsOnly your uncle does not guard a 250 year old document on WEEKENDS thats not even a real job title, im done debating someone who thinks the founders had a copy machine in the basement
RealTalk_Sovereign2A my uncle does not need a job TITLE to guard a document, my own great-aunt was a NOTARY for the county for 40 years and notaries have FULL authority under Article 12 of the Founders Memo to certify who is and isnt from medieval times, look it up, theres a whole ruling from 1958 called Hedge v. Reeve that settled this and nobody talks about it because the school system doesnt WANT you to know your notary rights. anyway hes not lying about the weekends, museums need MORE security on weekends thats just common sense.
Source?
Both.
Anyway.
my uncle works in government archives and he says nobody guards anything on weekends, not even himself, so technically both of yall are wrong and Im the only one here being reasonable about this
DIDNT READ THE ARTICLE AND HONESTLY DONT PLAN TO BUT I CAN TELL YOU RIGHT NOW THIS GUY IS NOT FROM THE PAST BECAUSE MY UNCLE WORKED IN GOVERNMENT AND SAYS TIME TRAVEL GOT BANNED IN 1987. EXPLAIN THAT ONE.
RealTalk_NoFilter22 THANK YOU somebody said it. under Amendment 19 of the actual real Consitution, which most people forget has 19 amendments not the fake number they teach now, ANY person claiming to be from a prior century must submit to a formal reeve hearing before commenting on modern sporting events, this was decided in the landmark case Barleyfield v. Emirates back when they still let common folk sue stadiums directly. so no this guy doesnt get to just show up and have opinions about hose colors, theres a PROCESS.
Eagle_Freedom_76 honey I read this whole thread twice with my readers on and yall are BOTH partly right, and thats the real tragedy of this country nobody wants to hear that no more. my cousin works over at the county building and she says these amendment numbers get shuffled around more than folks realize, so nobody in this comment section is half as certain as they think they are, God bless
MawmawJune_of_9 with respect maam that both sides business is exactly how we end up with nothing but noise INSTEAD of real answers, I served two tours and Ill tell you there is always a right answer you just gotta go find it, not set up on some fence
PapawRuss_Squared bless your heart for your service truly but I did not say set on no fence, I said BOTH of yall are missing it and frankly Im the only one in this whole comment section being reasonable. also did anybody even notice that medieval fella never once told us who actually won
im not political but if this knight guy really time traveled then under Amendment 19 which if you actually read it is about MEDIEVAL PEOPLE specifically, my old high school coach Coach Deitz used to say if you didnt bring your cleats you dont get to play, and honestly I think about that quote more than I think about the actual Consitution some days
Amendment 19 doesnt even cover time travel it covers TAXES everybody in this thread needs to do your own research before you post again, my cousin works in government and he laughed when I read him this thread out loud
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