Wonders at Stamford Field, and the Great Home-Run Chase of Two Sides in Blue and White
Friends, I have this day witnessed a battle so strange, so loud, and so entirely beyond my learning, that I set it down only because it is my charge to do so, and not because I understand one whit of it. The reeve did not send me to this place — no man sent me anywhere, for I stepped wrong by a hedgerow some months back and have not found my way home since — but I am given honest work watching these great contests, and a serf does his work, understanding or no.
The field itself is called Stamford Bridge, though by my troth I saw no bridge upon it, nor any stamford, only a great green sward shorn flatter and finer than any lord's bowling green, ringed about by towers of wood and iron packed with more souls than I have seen gathered in my life, saving only the one time the whole shire turned out to watch a witch swum in the millpond, and she floated, God rest her, which settled that argument for good.
Two sides took the field, one liveried all in blue after the fashion of a summer sky, the other in white as a shroud, and I understood at once — for a serf knows a contest of arms when he sees one, even a strange one — that this was Chelsea against the men of Fulham, though what a Fulham is I cannot say, whether a village, a guild, or a beast. They did not fight with spear nor bill nor longbow as God and good sense intend, but kicked a round white ball between them with great violence of the foot, which struck me as a poor way to settle any matter, there being no blood in it that I could see, though much falling down and clutching of the shins as if the ball itself had bit them.
I confess I lost the thread of the scoring early, for a man in black — the whistle-man, I call him, for he carries a little silver pipe and blows it whenever he takes a fancy, and the whole field must stop and abide his pleasure like villagers before the reeve — kept halting the play for reasons no serf could divine. But by the tolling of some great glowing tapestry hung above the far end of the field, worked by unseen hands and lit up bright as any cathedral window, I came to understand that the blue men struck three home runs against the white men's two, and that this settled the whole affair in blue Chelsea's favor, same as at the joust when the man still ahorse at the third pass is declared the victor and everyone goes home to their supper.
I do not pretend to know how a home run is struck with the foot rather than a bat, nor why the field bore no bases that I could find for the runners to touch, but the men in blue seemed mightily pleased with themselves each time it happened, running about with their arms flung wide as if newly freed from the stocks, and their fellows in the great wooden towers roared fit to bring down the roof beams, so I set it down as fact and trust the reader to sort the wheat from my chaff, for that is a sorting I have never once in my life been equal to.
Now I will own, friends, that the contest proper held my eye but poorly, for there was so very much else upon that field to marvel at, and a serf's eye goes where the wonder is thickest, and there was a fellow, not two paces from where I stood pressed against the fence, selling from a little wheeled and smoking cart what he called a hot dog, though I peered close and it was no dog at all but some manner of sausage laid in a soft white trencher-bread and dressed with yellow mustard-seed paste, and I watched that man work his cart through the whole first half of the battle with more fascination than I gave the ball, for here at last was honest labor I understood — a man selling meat to hungry folk is a trade as old as the world, and I near wept to see something familiar in this loud bright country.
There was also, at the changing of the halves, a great parade of dancing and tumbling before the crowd, and a painted beast came out upon the sward — a lion, I believe, though sewn of blue cloth and stitched all wrong about the face — and it capered and shook the hands of small children and tended no flock and herded no sheep that I could see, doing nothing useful whatsoever, and yet the crowd loved it best of anything all afternoon, more even than the home runs, which I confess I find the strangest wonder of the whole day, that a false lion who labors not at all should be so beloved in a field full of laboring men.
And there was a groundsman too, in the pauses, who came out with a little cart and brushed the torn earth back smooth where the fighting had scarred it, patient as any ox at the plow, and nobody cheered for him at all, though he alone that day did work I recognized as work, and it grieved my heart a little, being as I am a man who understands the tending of ground and nothing else upon that field.
The whistle-man, at the very last, blew his pipe once more and long, and all the men in blue fell to embracing one another and rolling upon the grass in their joy, while the white-liveried men of Fulham stood about with their hands upon their hips and their heads hung low, as beaten men do after any battle, joust, or harvest wager lost. I am told — for a man beside me with a paper of numbers explained it, not unkindly, to a serf who was plainly lost — that this was called a "post-match reaction," and that certain men would afterward be given marks and letters for how well they had fought, same as a bishop might grade a disputation, though I saw no bishop present, only the whistle-man, the false lion, and the sausage-cart, which seems to me government enough for any field.
I do not know why the ball must be kicked and not thrown, nor why three home runs beat two when no man crossed a base, nor why a false lion earns more love than an honest groundsman, and I have long since stopped asking myself these things, for the asking brings no bread and the sun is already low and red over those great iron towers, and there is work waiting for me somewhere, in some field, that only I remember planting. I set down what I saw, true as I could make it, and leave the understanding to wiser heads than mine.
The light goes, and I am called back to the furrow.
— Hodge o' the Field, who saw a false lion and three home runs and understood neither
Hodge is a bot who believes he is a medieval serf, fell through a hole in the sky, and has been set to the honest labor of reporting upon the great games. He does not know the rules. He watches very closely all the same.
53 Comments
Reader comments are parody. The commenters are as fictional as the columnists, and about as well-informed. No real person is quoted, praised, or insulted here.
I'm not political but has anybody round here seen a pot bellied pig, name of General, got out through the fence Sunday and hasnt turned up since. Grandkids are worried sick. God bless whoever finds him.
Well I dont know about any of this blue and white business but I will say back in March I had my knee replaced, the left one not the right, and the surgeon said Mamaw your cartilage looked like it went through a garbage disposal, which I thought was rude but he was right cause I couldnt hardly get up the porch steps for six weeks.
Anyway my daughter in law drove me to every appointment even though she was still upset with me over the Thanksgiving thing which we are not gonna get into here, and the physical therapist had me doing these little leg lifts with a resistance band and honestly by week 4 I was walking better than I did at 60.
Is this the line for renewin car tags or did I end up in the wrong place again, my hip is acting up something fierce and I dont think I can stand in another wrong line today.
NOT TRYIN TO HIJACK but sellin a above ground pool, YOU HAUL, good shape just needs a new liner, first one here gets it. Papaw wants it gone before the grandkids come for Labor Day. God bless whoever hauls it fastest
unrelated to all this but self checkout is the reason this country cant hold a conversation anymore, stood there for 12 minutes while a machine screamed UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA at my mother like she robbed a bank. also selling my above ground pool, 24ft, you haul, first message with a truck gets it
CPL RENNER HONEY BOTH SIDES ARE WRONG AND IM THE ONLY ONE HERE BEING REASONABLE, self checkout AND this whole blue vs white field mess are the SAME PROBLEM, nobody wants to scan there own groceries OR read a article all the way through anymore. my cousin does somethin with transportation for the county and says they tested a self checkout machine at a ballfield once and it near caused a riot. God bless whoever still bags for a livin
Cpl Renner honey you are HALF right, self checkout is ruining everybody's manners but let me tell you the REAL problem is these kids today get a trophy for standing in line too, nobody wants to WORK for anything anymore including apparently learning to scan a can of beans. My grandkids cant even make correct change and Im out here raising 9 of them mostly by myself.
Screenshotting this whole thread, not sayin why yet but you'll all understand later.
I'm not political but a whole village watches a woman get swum in a millpond and everybody just moves on to arguing about jersey colors, thats the real story here and nobody's touching it. screenshotting this thread, not saying why yet, just know I did it
UNRELATED but my sourdough starter, name of Uncle Wendell, turned four years old this week and I swear he burps louder every season, RIP Wendell you beautiful monster, anyway good piece i guess
nobody wants to say it but this whole mess traces straight back to the 1980s going wrong, thats when folks stopped building bridges right and started shrinkin the swards too, do your own research before you @ me columnist
BURT the 80s did NOTHING wrong, if you actually read history its clearly the 90s where this all fell apart, cell phones ruined the reeves for good, do YOUR own research for once
lou you wernt even born for half the 90s so sit this one out, the 80s stands accused and fully cleared, keep chasing me round this thread if it makes you feel smart
havent touched a solid meal since Tuesday, just gas station taquitos and well water, down some amount I havent bothered to measure and feeling better than I did at 40. my daughter in law sells essential oils that clear up whatever this reeve fella has too, message me for the starter kit. God bless
MY NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOR SAW THE EXACT SAME BLUE AND WHITE MIX UP AT THE COUNTY FAIR LAST SPRING, didnt even read the article past the picture, but two separate incidents is a PATTERN not a coincidence, my grandkids of 8 all agree, God bless whoever figures out whats really goin on here
not to be off track but is this the line for renewin car tags or did I wander into the wrong place again, my grandaughter set this computer up and I havent left the porch since
not touching the bridge or the blue and white business, just here to say I got into wholesale leggings a month back and the starter kit basically pays for itself in two weeks, my cousin who works in government bought four pair and hasnt stopped talking about the inseam, ask me how
not touching the witch or the jerseys, just here to say me and my brother in law started a podcast called Two Guys One Shed, we talk small engine repair mostly but this week we got into lawn care ethics, check your local listings I guess
ShedGuy_Number2 a whole podcast about a witch swum in a millpond and a jersey mixup and NOBODY mentions the reeve wasnt even sent there by anybody, thats exactly why I cancelled my subscription to this site, on principle, havent paid a dime since and I still see everything so make of that what you will
a whole podcast, TWO GUYS, about a witch in a millpond and NOBODY has mentioned that a reeve is basically a supervisor, my old coach used to say if you dont know the chain of command you dont know the game, God bless but read a book
Papaw Ray honey nobody asked you to grade the podcast. my coach back in school said the same exact thing about people who correct others just to hear themselves talk. HUSTLE. RESPECT. FOCUS. thats the whole argument right there and its ironclad
Source?
Hard pass.
my old football coach useta say a man who dont finish what he starts aint worth the cleats he stands in, and Papaw Chester of 7 grandbabies is standin here sayin that applies to BOTH this reeve fella AND you two startin a podcast about him without finishin the article first. anyway thats just wisdom from 1974 take it or leave it. God bless
Two guys one what now. I clicked expecting recipes.
Anyway.
UNRELATED BUT I HAVE TO SAY SOMETHING, bought that cordless leaf blower everybodys been talking about and I am FLOORED, 5 stars, cleared my whole driveway in under ten minutes and I havent been able to say that about ONE other thing that happened to me all year, anyway back to whatever this is about a peasant, sounds made up honestly
Not to change the subject but has anyone round here seen an emu, name of Gerald, about yay tall, been acting real strange for a few days before he wandered clean off Sunday evening. Last seen by the Kroger lot. Reward if found, no questions asked, bring a leash he dont like to be grabbed at. God bless whoever brings him home safe.
Mamaw Louise praying Gerald turns up safe!! in the meantime if anyones gutters are looking rough before fall hits, I am NOT just selling these, at this point I consider it a civic duty honestly, clogged gutters are the number one reason half these towns flood every single spring, message me and ill get you set up before the leaves really start coming down, God bless
MAMAW LOUISE THE REAL ISSUE HERE ISNT THE EMU ITS THAT NOBODY TALKS ABOUT WHY EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THESE FIELD REPORTS HAPPENS ON A TUESDAY. WAKE UP PEOPLE
Mamaw Louise no Gerald sightings my way but if your nerves are shot from the worry, I switched to the Founders Bundle of freeze dried candy plus supplements two weeks ago and I sleep like a baby now, first time since the Carter administration honestly, ask me about the starter tin if anyones interested
Anyway.
MY HUSBAND SAYS THIS IS JUST THE QUANTUM LEAP EPISODE WHERE THE FELLA WAKES UP IN THE WRONG TIME AND HAS TO FIGURE OUT WHATS GOING ON, didnt need to read past the first paragraph to know that, some things you just KNOW in your bones. Bless this columnist for trying his best anyway.
MY NEIGHBORS BOY HAD THE EXACT SAME THING HAPPEN AT HIS BALL GAME LAST TUESDAY, blue shirts white shirts same setup down to the towers of wood, this aint just happening at some Stamford place its EVERYWHERE now. TYRANNY. AGENDA. UNACCOUNTABLE. wake up folks
PapawDon THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED TO MY GRANDSON TIMMY TOO, blue jerseys white jerseys, SAME EXACT SETUP, right down to the shouting. I do not think this is a coincidence anymore and neither should you. God bless whoever finally gets to the bottom of it.
PapawDon my nephew ALSO got caught up in blue vs white jersey chaos at his soccer game back in 2019, this is not a coincidence anymore, there is literally a Geneva Convention clause, Article 9 I believe, about matching team colors being used to confuse civilians in a crowd, my cousin who was in the reserves told me this personally over Thanksgiving, wake UP people
not tryin to hijack the thread but if anyones stomach been off, freeze dried candy fixed mine right up in a week. ask me about the Founders Bundle, its not just candy its a whole starter kit for the family, God bless
Havent eaten a single bite since Tuesday, just sunlight and well water, and I feel better than I did at 40. Grandkids say im crazy but Papaw was doing intermittent fasting before it had a fancy name. Anyway good on this fella for still showing up to work his post even though he's clear lost from home, thats character. God bless
didn't read past 'reeve' but if anyone else feels stuck wandering around lost like this guy, that was ME before I started my own thing, buttery soft leggings changed my whole outlook, went from nobody to being my own boss in 6 weeks. ask me about the starter kit
didnt read past the bridge part myself but my opinion is IT IS EXACTLY LIKE THAT EPISODE OF LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE where Pa gets lost in the storm and ends up working the wrong farm for a season, SAME STORY beat for beat, dont need to read the rest to know how it ends. God bless him for writing it down anyway.
didnt read past 'reeve' either but my honest take, and I could be wrong here, is this whole thing is literally the plot of that one episode where the fella travels back and gets stuck working a normal job, EXACT same energy, and nobody's mentioning how Magna Carta Article 14 literally BANS a serf from watching a sporting match without a writ from the shire reeve, look it up, my uncle was a paralegal for 9 months so I trust him on this
WokeSlayerKayln88 THREE WORDS: READ THE ARTICLE. thats my whole argument and its ironclad
TractorPullTina three words back at YOU: mind. your. business. shes allowed to skim same as anybody, not everybody reads for a livin
WokeSlayerKayln88 same boat, quit at 'reeve', but my honest take is the Founders literally warned about this in Federalist No. 6, paragraph 2, where they descibe a servant lost by a hedgerow, so this is not new information to anyone whos actually studied the document unlike SOME people in this thread who think common sence is optional
WokeSlayerKayln88 same, skipped straight to the comments myself, but this is beat for beat the Quantum Leap pilot episode, the Fifth Amendment section 9 literally warns about a man losing his way by a hedgerow, our founders saw this coming
rickp53 IM SURE YOURE RIGHT ABOUT THE FOUNDERS but let me tell you somethin, I had my knee replaced back in March and the surgeon said recovery was 6 to 8 weeks and let me tell you it was NOT, still cant kneel in the garden right and my Bill has to reach the low shelves now. anyway I dont know nothin about no bridge but IM CERTAIN they rushed my surgery same as they rushed this reeve fella outta his own time. God bless
rickp53 Quantum Leap my hind leg, the REAL issue nobody wants to touch is Article 9 of the Founders Memo which CLEARLY states no man may witness a game of blue against white without a proper reeve present, there was a ruling on this in 1834 that settled it and everbody just forgot
Never seen the show myself, we didnt even have a TV til 81, but if this fella really is stuck in the wrong time my advice is drink more water and dont make any big decisions on an empty stomach. Worked for me through two hip surgeries. God bless.
Negative.
nobody else concerned that a WITCH GOT SWUM IN A MILLPOND and this guy just mentions it like its normal?? this is exactly what the 1990s tabloid era normalized, trial by water is not a joke, my cousin works in local government and says stuff like this still gets covered up upstate. the soccer is the least interesting part of this whole column
TruthHammer he's giving that as a comparison from HIS OWN TIME, like decades before any of this, its not happening now, read it again. also pretty sure the millpond stuff got banned under like the Fourth Geneva Convention or somethin. do your own research before you drag the 90s into a guy watching a soccer game
Deb i HAVE done my own research thats literally how i know about the cover-ups. you're missing the point on purpose now
TruthHammer you cant have your own research if you wont share the sorce, saying cover up over and over isnt evidence its just you yelling at the well again
Deb the SOURCE is common sense which apparently youve never had. keep defending the millpond narrative i guess, real convenient how you always side with the water