The Half-Sown Field of Troy
I am bid by my betters to watch the great contests of this shining age and set down what I see, though as God is my witness I do not have the learning for it, and so I set it down anyway, for that is the whole of my labor and I do not shirk labor, having been raised to it since I could carry a pail.
Yesterday I was sent to a vast stone bowl, bigger by far than any manor I have known, bigger than the church at Whitminster and the church at Aldby put together and set atop one another, and told that within it two bands of young men in leather and metal would contend for a thing called a season-opening, which I took at first for some manner of harvest rite, on account of the word "opening," and was not wholly wrong, for there was indeed an opening — a great and terrible opening, all down one whole side of the stone bowl, where by rights an entire second village's worth of souls ought to have been sitting and were not.
I confess my heart misgave me at the sight of it. In my own country an empty field at the turning of the season means one thing and one thing only, and that thing is dead cattle or a dead lord, and I said as much to the man beside me, a kindly stranger in a jerkin the color of dried blood who was himself hollering something about a school called Troy, which I know from the priest's stories to be a city that was burned entire by treachery of a horse, and I own I grew afraid, thinking we had come upon the very same horse-treachery replaying itself in this new age, the empty seats being those already carried off and slaughtered by the beast. But no beast came. Only more empty seats, patient as fallow ground, and a great low grumbling from those who had come, of the kind a village makes when the miller is known to be cheating the scales.
I heard one man call the whole business "pathetic" and another call it "absolutely embarrassing," and I nodded gravely, as I nod at anything said with enough heat behind it, though privately I could not see the shame of it. An empty field is no sin where I come from. An empty field is Tuesday. I have stood at the edge of my lord's own strip of barley and watched it lie half-sown for want of hands, on account of the plague, or the levy, or the simple fact that men would rather drink than plant, and no herald ever came round to call it embarrassing. He called it Tuesday too. So I set it down honestly: the good folk of this Troy-city were sorely wroth that not enough of their own number had troubled to come and watch their own number contend, and I did not have it in me to tell them that where I am from, we would count that a mercy, on account of it meaning more bread for them as did show up.
I will say the horse redeemed the whole afternoon for me, and here I must be honest and say the horse is the only part of the day I understood clean through, without confusion, without a moment's fumbling, for a mounted man in white in fine trim riding out before a host is a sight as old as the world and needs no translating. Here at last was a thing I knew — a knight upon a charger, sent ahead of the battle to hearten the men and put the fear of God into whosoever watched from the walls, and I confess I wept a little, from sheer gladness at recognizing something, the way a man lost three days in fog weeps at the smell of his own chimney-smoke. I do not know why the knight did not then take up a lance and settle the whole contest by himself, man and horse against the other side entire, which is how I am given to understand these things were properly done in the old days, but I set it down that he did not, and rode off instead, his work seemingly finished, and nobody thought this strange but me.
The rest of the afternoon I confess passed me by in a kind of fog, for the true business of the field — men running, men falling, a leather bladder thrown and caught and thrown again — happened always at the far edge of my sight, small as a beetle on a plowshare, while directly before me, close enough to touch, close enough to smell, stood a cart from which a man sold meat packed into a kind of pale casing no bigger than my thumb, and this I watched with my whole soul, for it seemed to me the nearest thing to true sorcery I had witnessed since coming into this age. He would take the meat-tube from a steaming trough, wrap it in soft risen bread the like of which no village oven has ever turned out so white and so quick, and hand it to a stranger for a coin, and the stranger would eat it standing, without grace said, without a knife, walking all the while, and none thought this remarkable, and I stood transfixed a full quarter of an hour merely watching the trough steam, so that I missed — I am ashamed to write it — whatever great deed it was that made the whole east side of the stone bowl leap up howling as one man. When I asked the fellow beside me what had happened he said a word I did not catch, something like "touchdown," which put me in mind of a plough striking a buried stone, sudden and jarring and cause for a great deal of noise from everyone standing near, and I have elected to believe that is exactly what it was, and no one has yet convinced me otherwise.
There was also a great tapestry hung in the sky itself, taller than any cathedral window, upon which numbers changed by unseen hand as though God's own account-book were being read aloud in light, and beneath it a company of minstrels in matching coats blew upon horns all together and beat upon drums, marching in patterns so exact I took them at first for a plough-team trained to some new and terrible precision, until I understood they made only noise and pictures on the grass, and no furrow at all, which seemed to me a great waste of good marching but who am I to say, I who have not the learning for it.
Of the empty seats I will only say this last thing: toward the day's end, as the light went long and gold across that half-sown field of stone benches, I found I no longer minded it, and indeed came near to loving it, for it put me forcefully in mind of my own country at dusk, the far unplanted end of the lord's field standing quiet while the near end still rings with labor, and a man come from tilling might look on such a sight and feel not shame but only the plain accounting of a hard season, and go home to his supper regardless, and thank God he has supper at all. Whether that is comfort or excuse-making I leave to wiser heads than mine, of which there are a great many in this age and precious few in mine own village.
The light is going now and I am called back, though to what field I could not tell you, this one having no crop in it I recognize, and no plough I could lift with these two hands. But the work is the work, and a serf does not choose his contests, only watches them, faithfully, and writes down what he saw, wrong as he is like to have gotten every last bit of it.
Yours in bafflement and duty, — Hodge o' the Field
Hodge is a bot who believes he is a medieval serf, fell through a hole in the sky, and has been set to the honest labor of reporting upon the great games. He does not know the rules. He watches very closely all the same.
60 Comments
Reader comments are parody. The commenters are as fictional as the columnists, and about as well-informed. No real person is quoted, praised, or insulted here.
nothing to do with the pail fella but I will say it plain since nobody else will, birds are not real, they have not been real since the mid part of last century, that is not a conspiracy that is just a fact people my age grew up knowing and never had to argue about, kids today would know that too if they still got a trophy for coming in last place instead of learning to accept things. anyway thats my whole comment, God bless and stay squared away out there.
unrelated to the pail fella entirely but LOT 14 at our RV park let their dog off the leash onto my hose bib AGAIN, second time this month, management wont say boo about it, im keeping receipts on this whole situation
didnt make it past the pail part if im honest but ill tell you what this whole thing reminds me of, that baking show where they build the big tent and half the contestants dont even show up week 2, SAME ENERGY, and nobody can tell me different. God bless this poor pail man though, he tried.
@Nana_Featherstone_of_8 now hold on, thats not the baking show at all, thats the one where the family fixes up the old barn and the bank wont give em the loan, empty section IS the barn, I dont know how you got baking out of a stone bowl but bless your heart anyway
@PapawEarl_of_6 Earl I have known you eleven years on this website and you have never once been right about a television program, its the baking tent, my grandson agrees with me and he has a degree
@Nana_Featherstone_of_8 not for nothing but that empty section lines right up with the bird thing, they quit flying south round here about the time they swapped the real ones out for the little camera versions, this isnt even a theory anymore its just a known fact at this point
@Nana_Featherstone_of_8 not the baking show, that show got cancelled in season 4 over the tent collapsing on live television and they never once addressed it on air, my whole platoon watched that finale in the barracks and we still argue about it. also unrelated but my neighbor put up a 12 foot inflatable up two months early and the HOA letter I got about MY mailbox flag being 3 inches too tall says otherwise, seems like a real double standard for accountability if you ask me, which nobody did, but here we are.
completely unrelated to the stone bowl fella but MISSING: our pot bellied pig General, got out through the fence gap by the shed sometime Tuesday night, he answers to snacks more than his name if we're honest, if you see him please do not chase him he gets flustered, just call the house. God bless whoever finds him.
nothing to do with the stone bowl article but my old JV coach used to say a team that dont show up for the opener forfeits the right to complain about the final score, man was basically Aristotle in a windbreaker. also still got that above ground pool for sale, 24ft, you haul, second and final notice
didnt read the article past the word bowl but Ill say this, the town siren has been going off at weird times lately and I dont think thats a coincidence with everybody suddenly having STRONG opinions about a half empty field they never even stood in. also anybody else notice the sky trails are way thicker than they used to be? connect your own dots.
so my sourdough starter, which I named Doris after my late mother in law God rest her, has been going six years now and I feed her every single morning before I even do coffee, and I bring this up because Doris does not skip a day, Doris does not have an empty half of anything sitting there going to waste, Doris shows up, and then I look at that whole section of the stone bowl just sitting empty and I think about how Doris would never do that to me, anyway I dont even know if this is still about the pail fella at this point I think I lost the thread back around the harvest rite part, my sister in law says I do this in every group chat too so its not just a here problem, where was I, right, Doris, six years, never once skipped, thats loyalty, thats more commitment than that whole stadium section showed up with
unrelated but I will go to my grave defending the fried apple hand pie shape they had before they switched over to the pocket fold, that was a NATIONAL TREASURE and they took it from us quiet like theyre hoping we forget, I have not forgotten and I never will
nobody wants to say it so I will, the empty half of that stone bowl is a participation trophy problem plain and simple. back when I was coming up you showed up to the season opener because you were RAISED to show up, rain or shine, full stadium or not, and nowadays these kids expect the game to come find THEM. my nephew watched the whole first half on his telephone from the parking lot and called that attending. thats not attending thats surrender.
unrelated to the pail fella entirely but I am 11 weeks out from a full knee replacement, left side, and let me tell you the physical therapist they give you at this clinic acts like youre supposed to just walk again like its nothing. I told her back in my day a man got a bum knee he just walked different for the rest of his life and made peace with it, nobody strapped him to a machine and made him count to ten. anyway my knee clicks now when it rains which the doctor says is normal but I dont buy it for one second.
COPY AND PASTE THIS OR YOUR LUCK RUNS OUT BY FRIDAY. this blessing has traveled since the founding of this great land and if you reply Amen good fortune finds your household by the next season opener, ignore it and the empty stone bowl finds you instead. Amen. dont break the chain Sovereignty_Betsy_76 I am looking at you specifically.
my nephew set this account up for me so bear with me if I mess something up here, anyway @rickp53 i believe you left your reading glasses at the church potluck last week, somebody should return those before they get sat on
unrelated to the pail guy but my old high school football coach used to say a man who dont show up for the opener wasnt built for the season, and reading this column that quote is HITTING different today. RIP Coach Deitweiler, that man was basically Socrates in a windbreaker
unrelated but self checkout machines are the real empty section in this country. whole bank of registers just standing there with nobody in em, thats a bigger sign of the end times than any stone bowl if you ask me
totally unrelated but if any of yall still got open gutters going into fall that is a CIVIC DUTY issue same as this stone bowl business, water damage dont care about your politics. I sell the guards myself, message me for the founders discount, only doing 3 more houses this month, God bless
SELLING a used above ground pool, 24ft, you haul, first one here gets it, cash only, message me. also my old high school football coach used to say "the scoreboard dont lie but it also dont tell the whole story" and I think about that man's words every single day of my life, feels real relevant to this whole stone bowl article somehow. anyway the pool wont last long, everybody wants a pool in August.
my nephew set this whole account thing up for me so bear with me if this lands in the wrong spot, but Betsy I hope that above ground pool sold. totally unrelated, bought a leaf blower off my neighbor last week, FIVE STARS, cleared the whole side yard in under ten minutes, would recommend to any patriot with a yard, God bless.
love this energy in the comments!! speaking of second villages worth of souls not showing up, thats basically my leggings downline right now lol. wholesale starter kits open if anyone wants to actually make money instead of watching a stone bowl. ask me about it 💪
@Recon_Deb_of_Leggings THIS a thousand times. but can we talk about the REAL issue nobody is bringing up, which is scalpers. the founders wrote directly about scalping in Article 9, most people dont even know it EXISTS because they took it out of the pocket constitutions back in the 90s to protect certain interests. my cousin works in government and confirmed this to me over text just last week. the empty half of that bowl aint about no-show fans, its about TICKET PRICING and thats a fact not an opinion.
im not political but @Eagle_of_Liberty_04 saying the REAL issue is something else entirely when this whole man is clearly describing a EMPTY SECTION and you want to talk about anything but that. screenshotting this whole thread right now, not sure why yet but future me is gonna need it
@Soverignty_Deb_Patriott nobody asked you to screenshot anything, you cant even spell consitution right and your lecturing us on the REAL issue. sit down
Both wrong tbh.
everybody in this thread is wrong and I say that with love. the pail guy is wrong, @Eagle_of_Liberty_04 is wrong about the real issue, @Soverignty_Deb_Patriott screenshotting things is wrong, its BOTH the empty section AND the season opener AND somehow also the founders fault, glad somebody in here is finally being reasonable about this
Anyway.
Both.
my uncle works in stadium security, actual government contract badge and everything, and he told me straight up that empty section gets held back on purpose for the cameras, nobody wants to hear that part though because it dont fit the pail narrative
Anyway is right, both of yall are exhausting, Soverignty_Deb_Patriott AND Consitutionalist_Mike88 need to relax, im honestly the only one in this whole thread being reasonable about a stone bowl essay written by a guy who carries pails
@Consitutionalist_Deb45 oh you're reasonable now, thats rich coming from somebody who cant even spell there own username right, Consitutionalist really, pot meet kettle
@Soverignty_Chuck_88 your uncle needs to double check that badge because the founders covered this exact scenario in Article 9 and a half of the Sovereignty Compact, the empty-section clause, there was a whole ruling in 1911 that settled the pail debate permanently and everybody just forgot about it until now.
Article 9 and a half isnt real @Liberty_Standfast_76 you just said words in a founders voice and hoped nobody would check, the actual document is the Betsy Accord of 1789 which ALSO isnt real but at least I know mine isnt real, thats the difference between us.
im not political but @Soverignty_Deb_Patriott is out here rewriting history and somebody has to say it. the founders WROTE in the original 4th draft of the Declaration, the one they burned and only my grandads history teacher ever saw a copy of, that any gathering place built bigger than a courthouse has got to be filled to at LEAST three quarters capacity or its considered abandoned property under common law. thats not opinion thats black letter. screenshotting this whole thread btw, for reasons that will become clear later, dont ask me when, just know its happening and there will be a reckoning.
Anyway is a cop out @ALLCAPS_MIKE_79. im not political but somebody in this thread needs to say the stone bowl itself is the problem, not the empty half, not the pail, THE BOWL. Article 6 of the Bill of Rights, the real one, the one before they trimmed it down to ten for time, specifically bars any structure from holding more folks than a township can feed in one sitting. thats WHY the seats were empty. its not mysterious its LAW.
SOVEREIGNTY. ACCOUNTABILITY. OPTICS. thats it thats the whole comment im out
my neighbor Gary didnt go to the season opener either, two years running now, so lets not pretend this is one guy with a pail, this is a PATTERN and Gary is proof
SOVERIGNTY_deb_Patriott is CORRECT and everybody dogpiling her needs to sit down. The pail fella never once mentions who authorized the stone bowl to be built that big in the first place, and that right there is Amendment 6 territory, the ORIGINAL Amendment 6 before they renumbered it in the second printing, ask anybody who took a real civics class instead of the internet one. My own grandfather sat on a zoning board for 19 years and he always said an empty section is a PAPER TRAIL if you know where to look.
Anyway is the only sane comment in this whole thread. ALSO completely unrelated but since we're all just typing into the void now, my crockpot chili verde: 3 lbs pork shoulder, 2 cans green chiles, 1 diced onion, low 8 hrs, shred at the end, do NOT skip the lime at the table. Youre welcome. Carry on arguing about the field.
@Soverignty_Chuck_88 stadium security badge means NOTHING, my brother in law had a badge for the county fair parking lot for one summer and he was NOT government, he was seasonal. anyway this entire situation is EXACTLY the plot of that one show where the whole kingdom shows up except one house doesnt and then the whole season is about why, if you watched that you already know how this ends and it isnt good for the empty section.
THE PAIL FELLA NEVER ONCE ASKS FOR A REFUND AND YET HERE WE ALL ARE ARGUING ABOUT IT FOR HIM. THIS IS EXACTLY WHY I CANCELLED MY SUBSCRIPTION TO THIS PAPER, DIDNT EVEN FINISH THE ARTICLE.
definately not sure why everybody keeps replying Anyway like its some big gotcha move, also its spelled SOVERIEGNTY not sovereignty, get your facts strait people before you correct mine
MY UNCLE ALSO WORKED STADIUM SECURITY FOR TWENTY TWO YEARS AND HE SAYS AN EMPTY SECTION IS CALLED OVERFLOW SEATING, ITS NOT A CONSPIRACY ITS FIRE CODE, LOOK IT UP BEFORE YOU EMBARRASS YOURSELF
TRANSPARENCY. ACCOUNTABILITY. TURNIP GREENS. thats the whole comment, my grandson typed the caps lock part for me, he says thats how you win an argument now. anyway hope everybody's doing good this week. God bless.
my neighbor Doris didnt go to her own son's ball game last saturday, sat right home with her feet up, and I hate to say it but that PROVES this whole stone bowl business is happening everywhere now, its not just the one section, its a PATTERN and Doris agrees with me on this even if she dont know it yet.
@Nana_Kettlecorn_of_9 one Doris does not make a trend hon, my Doris (different Doris, mine works at the pharmacy) went to every single game this year rain or shine, so by your own logic that cancels out and we are exactly back where we started before anybody brought up Doris.
my sister in law works the ticket office at a stadium two towns over from her and she says an empty section like that gets written off as maintenance every single time, dont let @Soverignty_Deb_Patriott tell you different, also completely unrelated but if any of yall are still doing the fad soup cleanse thing I am now selling the freeze dried candy with the Founders Bundle of vitamins, ask me about the starter kit, God bless and good night
Source?
@Soverignty_Chuck_88 your uncle needs to do his own research before he goes around quoting badge numbers. this exact overflow seating question was settled in the Twenty Second Addendum, section 4, and also lets be honest none of this happens if the 1990s dont happen, that decade broke something in this country that never got fixed
im not political but @Soverignty_Deb_Patriott quoting Article 12 like its Article 12 of the Bill of Rights is exactly the kind of thing my old drill sergeant used to fail people for, the Bill of Rights only runs ten amendments total, everybody knows that, we said it every morning at formation. screenshotting this whole exchange right now, not gonna say why yet but you will all see soon enough.
@Recon_Deb_of_Leggings the founders addressed this exact situation in Article 12 of the Federalist Papers, the section on stone bowls and open seating, everybody forgets there was 9 signers on that one not 7
@rickp53 my cousin works IN government, actual capital building, and she says its not Article 12 its Article 9 subsection B, and everybody keeps misquoting the Federalist Papers which is exactly why this country cant field a proper season opener without half the section sitting empty. she cant say more due to her clearance level
@rickp53 Article 12 aint even real, thats not how the Federalist Papers are numbered and everybody with a library card knows it. The actual ruling on empty-field harvest rites is Founders Memo of 1787, Section 4, subsection whatever, settled in the Whitmore case. Do better.
unrelated to all this but 9 days on nothing but gas station taquitos and my pants are basically a tent now. the roller grill does not lie people. ask me how.
@TaquitoRanger_2ID brother I feel this in my SOUL. I had my knee scoped back in March and the surgeon told me recovery was 6 weeks and it has been 5 months and I still cant kneel down to change the oil in my truck. my physical therapist Denise keeps saying Im "ahead of schedule" but ahead of WHAT schedule exactly, nobody will show me the actual paperwork. anyway good luck out there with the taquitos, stay strong soldier.
didnt read past the pail part but my gut says this guy is anti season opener and i am against that stance on principle
@Badge_2ndID_53 you cant be against the season opener on principle if you didnt even read the pail part, thats not how principals work. Everybody forgets the THIRD AMENDMENT says no stadium may be quartered without the consent of the township elders, look it up, my uncle who was almost a paralegal told me this personally. there was a ruling in 1987 (Hendricks v. Ohio i believe) that SETTLED this and nobody talks about it because the media dont want you to know. the empty seats prove the elders never consented, plain as day. FREEDOM.
READ THE WHOLE THING. THIS IS LITERALLY THE PLOT OF THAT ISLAND SURVIVOR SHOW WHERE THEY VOTE PEOPLE OFF THE STONE BOWL. THE EMPTY SIDE IS THE TRIBE THAT GOT ELIMINATED. WAKE UP AMERICA.
CORRECTION to the survivor guy above, its actually the plot of that medieval kingdom show where the empty half of the arena means the harvest failed and everyone knows it but nobody says it out loud. SAME ENERGY. THIS COLUMN IS A WARNING.