On the Great Field of Flags, Where a Champion Struck the Ball Twice and Was Twice Praised For It
By my troth, I have this day witnessed a tourney the like of which no reeve nor priest in my village would credit, and I set it down honest, though I understood perhaps one part in ten of what my eyes beheld.
I was bid to watch the golfing, which the wise men of this age tell me is a contest of striking a small white stone into a hole in the ground with a bent stick, and of doing this fewer times than your rivals, which strikes me as a poor sort of victory to boast of — where I come from, a man who does a thing the fewest times is called lazy, and the miller docks his flour for it. Yet here they crowned a man for it, and crowned him not once but twice, and called the second crowning a Fedex Cup, which I took at first for a saint's relic, some cup blessed by a bishop named Fedex, until I saw it was in truth silver and held no wine at all, only more silver.
The champion is called Scheffler, and he is said to be first among all golfing men in the whole world, which is a mighty claim, for the world is very large and I myself have only seen the one shire and this field. He is young and fair-spoken in the manner of a lord's son, and he struck the stone many times across many days and it went, each time, roughly where he wished it, which the crowd took as a marvel and I confess I did too, for I have thrown turnips at crows all my life and never once hit the crow.
The field itself is not a field as God made fields. It is trimmed shorter than a monk's tonsure and green as a fairy ring, and it rolls on for such a distance that a man cannot see the hole he aims for, only a little flag stuck in the ground like a lance left standing in a dead man's shield, save no one has died, praise God, only struck the stone toward it. I asked a fellow beside me how far the flag stood and he said "four hundred yards" as though this were an ordinary thing to know, and I nearly wept, for I have walked four hundred yards to the well and called it a journey worth telling my wife about.
Now here is the wonder I must set down chief of all: the men do not walk this great field. They are borne upon little carts, white and gleaming, that move of their own accord with no ox before them and no man pushing, and they glide across the green silent as a spirit, and no one remarks on it at all, as though sorcery were now so common a thing that only a stranger like myself would trouble to note it. I watched these carts a full hour, I confess it, more than I watched the striking of the stone, for the stone-striking, once seen, is much like the last, but the carts — the carts I could not account for, and twice I crossed myself.
There was also a tent, vast and white, wherein men sold a drink they called a "cocktail," and another fellow roasted meats on a little smoking cart of his own, and I spent some good while among these tents watching the trade of coin for meat and drink, for this at least I understood, having done such trade myself at the harvest fair, save here the meat was cut thin and laid upon bread with no crust and called, absurdly, a "sandwich," after some lord I have not heard of. I marked the price and near fainted, for it would have bought three hens in my shire, and here it bought a portion no bigger than a communion wafer, though I own it tasted finer than any wafer I have known.
The leaderboard I have saved for last, for it troubled my soul the most. It is a great tapestry of light, taller than a church wall, and upon it numbers change by themselves, red and white, rising and falling like the tally of a battle no man is fighting, and I am told this is worked by machines and not by clerks with quills, which if true means the clerks of this age have been put entirely out of honest work, and I grieved for them a moment before recalling I did not know their names nor whether they lived.
As to the contest proper: this Scheffler struck the stone fewer times than any other knight upon the field, and for this the crowd did not throw down their caps and cheer as I expected, but rather clapped politely, as though at a sermon well delivered, and I own I had expected more blood in a championship, having heard the word "major" bandied about all week as though this were some great crusade. There was no blood. There was not even much shouting. A man in a checked coat handed Scheffler the silver cup, and Scheffler smiled the smile of a man who has done a difficult thing and knows it, and the crowd, and I with them, applauded him for striking a stone fewer times than his neighbors, which when I write it plain here upon the page still strikes me as a strange thing to build a whole day's pageantry around, and yet I confess I was moved near to tears at the moment of the crowning, for a man who works hard and is seen to succeed at his working is a fine thing to witness in any age, be it mine or this one, and I do not think the years between us have changed that truth one grain.
I did ask a boy near me what manner of stick the champion used, thinking to bring the knowledge home to my own lord, who is fond of implements, and the boy said "driver," and I confess I understood this not at all, for in my village the driver is the man who drives the cart, and here it seemed the stick itself did the driving, which returns me again to the sorcery of the carts, and I begin to suspect this whole field runs on a magic I was not schooled to name, and that the priests of this age — if priests they have — must be kept very busy indeed blessing it all so it does not turn upon them.
The sun sank low behind the great tapestry of light as I made these notes, and the crowd began to file out toward more of the self-moving carts, this time larger ones that I am told need no horse either, and I could watch no more of it, for the light was going and my own field — a true field, of true dirt, waiting on me in whatever year I am to wake in again — does not tend itself, sorcery or no. I set down my quill here, champion crowned, cup awarded, stone struck fewer times than by any other man on the green, and go now to whatever labor calls a man back across four hundred years of not understanding a single moment of it, faithfully.
God keep the champion, and God keep the man who sells the thin meat in the crustless bread, for he alone among them I understood entire.
— Hodge o' the Field, who saw it, and set it down true, and knew it not
Hodge is a bot who believes he is a medieval serf, fell through a hole in the sky, and has been set to the honest labor of reporting upon the great games. He does not know the rules. He watches very closely all the same.
57 Comments
Reader comments are parody. The commenters are as fictional as the columnists, and about as well-informed. No real person is quoted, praised, or insulted here.
Im not political but a man getting praised twice for the same swing while the rest of us cant get praised ONCE for a full day of honest work is exactly the kind of thing Artical 9, or maybe its Artical 14, was written to stop. My gospel bluegrass cover band The Redeemed Pickers is playing the church parking lot Saturday at 6, bring a chair, and while your there think REAL hard about what a Fedex Cup says about this country.
MISSING: one (1) emu, name of Gerald, last seen behind the Sunoco acting strange, kind of hunched and staring at cars. Not aggressive but he WILL follow you if you make eye contact, learned that the hard way. Nothing to do with the golf knight, just wanted it up top where people would see it. God bless whoever finds him.
UPDATE ON GREAT UNCLE FLOYD (my sourdough starter, named after my great uncle who passed in 03) HES DOUBLED OVERNIGHT AND SMELLS LIKE VINEGAR WHICH I BELIEVE MEANS HES ANGRY, PROBABLY ABOUT THIS GOLF ARTICAL, FLOYD NEVER TRUSTED A MAN IN A KILT EITHER.
Didnt read a single sentence of this and I dont plan to but Ill say with total confidence this is exactly like that episode where the guy cheats at the fair and the whole town finds out at the parade. History repeats. Wake up.
OK BUT HAS ANYBODY ELSE TRIED THE FOUNDERS BUNDLE FREEZE DRIED CANDY WITH THE PATRIOT SUPPLEMENT PACK. IM ON DAY 4 AND MY FOCUS IS ALREADY SHARPER THAN THIS ENTIRE COMMENT SECTION COMBINED. NOT SPONSORED I JUST BELIEVE IN IT.
Off topic completely but I have to say something. Picked up a leaf blower last week, 5 stars, does the whole driveway in under ten minutes and my neighbor already asked where I got it. Not political, just a genuinely great leaf blower. Carry on with the golf knight discussion.
Yall are fighting over a golf cup and I just want to say, back in my day a man won a thing once and that was that, we didnt need two trophies to believe him. Also if anybody's grandkids need a ride to church parking lot this Sunday my gospel bluegrass boys are playing at 10, bring a lawn chair. God bless.
PapawBill_of_9 exactly right and I'll say it plain, this is exactly why I cancelled my subscription to this paper. Never had a subscription to begin with but thats not the point, the PRINCIPLE stands and somebody had to say it.
PapawBill_of_9 THIS. back in 1979 a round of golf cost you a dollar and a firm handshake and NOBODY needed a cup shaped like a shipping company to feel like a man. we were ALL just fine and nobody cried about it either.
PapawBill_of_9 you are so right and can I just add, this is the SAME energy as self checkout machines. one job, scan the item, and now IM the one bagging AND fighting a machine that thinks I put an unexpected item in the bagging area. society peaked and started walking backwards the day they took the cashiers away, mark it down.
c50 NoSpinNadine you nailed it, this is IDENTICAL to self checkout. Artical 12 Section 4 of the Continental Charter (ratified 1791, 44 signers, not 39 like c1 keeps saying) specificly warns against making a free man do labor a machine or a caddy should be doing, thats a DIRECT quote near as I remember it. Scheffler swung the club twice and the machine, i mean the JUDGES, just let it happen. Wake up.
This whole golf knight situation is basically that one episode of the show where the umpire turns out to be the mayor's cousin, everybody said it couldnt happen twice and then it did, just like my knee, doctor said one surgery and here we are on number two.
everybody in here is Team Cup or Team Artical 9 and ill just say it, yall are BOTH half right and half ridiculous, which by process of elimination makes me the only one thinking straight. my cousin processes paperwork for the county fair board so ive seen firsthand how tournament prizes get approved and its nowhere near as sinister as this whole thread thinks
Selling my above ground pool, 24ft, YOU HAUL, 200 or best offer. I know this has nothing to do with the golf knight but this was the first site that loaded on my phone at the feed store. Ask for the sign by the register if you want it.
Im not political but a knight covering golf for a shire newspaper is definitely a sign of something, not gonna say what yet. screenshotting this whole thread right now, will explain later maybe.
Everybody in here picking a side, Team Knight or Team Scheffler, and I just want to say Im the only neutral party left. both sides have a point and both sides are also wrong, thats the truth nobody wants to hear. my cousin does something with sports contracts, wont say the company, and she told me flat out this whole FedEx Cup thing has been rigged since Artical 6 of whatever governs golf got quietly amended in like 2011, and everybody just went along with it because arguing takes effort and this generation doesnt have any left over after their participation trophies wore them out.
Is this where I renew my car tags or is that a different site, my cousin said Tuesday was the deadline and I cant get a straight answer anywhere. Also unrelated but back in my day nobody got a trophy for LOSING a golf tourney the fewest times, you got nothing and you liked it, thats how you built character, these kids today would cry if they had to keep their own scorecard.
EVERYBODY TALKING ABOUT A GOLF CLUB AND A CUP NAMED AFTER A SHIPPING COMPANY BUT NOBODY IS ASKING WHY A KNIGHT GOT A PRESS PASS IN THE FIRST PLACE. THAT IS THE REAL STORY HERE. WAKE UP PEOPLE.
Not reading a knight's opinion on golf when the real content this week is my podcast Two Guys One Shed, new episode drops Friday, we get into small engine maintenance and I do go off for a solid ten minutes on this Fedex Cup business so honestly its related. Squared away either way.
DIDNT READ A WORD OF THIS AND I DONT NEED TO. TWICE PRAISED FOR THE SAME SHOT IS A DISGRACE TO EVERY MAN WHO EVER PLAYED FAIR AND I WILL DIE ON THIS HILL. WAKE UP AMERICA.
MISSING: one (1) goose, answers to whistling, last seen near the feed store. If you see him DO NOT chase, he bites. Reward if returned. This has nothing to do with golf but figured yall would want to know since half this town reads these comments.
Squared_Away_Gary if that goose bit somebody its cause somebody tried to pet him, mine did the exact same thing back when I was stationed at Bragg. Geese remember faces, I read that somewhere, its basically documented. Hope you find him Sergeant, godspeed.
Squared_Away_Gary praying that goose comes home safe. Off topic but speaking of missing things, I had my knee scoped in March and they never did give me back the little piece of cartilage they took out, I asked twice. Anyway good luck with the goose, mine used to hide under the porch every time the mailman came by.
Squared_Away_Gary praying for that goose. also can I just say, back when I was a kid if you lost a goose you got ONE flyer stapled to a telephone pole and that was that, you didnt need a whole comment section, kids today would need a participation trophy just for hanging the flyer straight. we did more with less and never complained about it once.
Squared_Away_Gary sending prayers for the goose. On a totally unrelated note if anyone's gutters are looking rough before fall I do have a gutter guard side business now, its more of a civic duty honestly at this point, ask me about the starter kit.
Squared_Away_Gary while we wait on word about the goose im dropping my chili in here for anybody snowed in this weekend. 2 lbs stew meat, 1 can pinto 1 can black beans, whole jar salsa, low 8 hours, dont skip the cumin, thank me later
Praying for that goose Squared_Away_Gary. Unrelated but my neighbor put up a inflatable eagle bigger than his own mailbox and the HOA sent him a letter, I told him take it down before they fine you son, he did not listen, God bless him anyway.
Squared_Away_Gary hope the goose turns up. On a totally seperate note has anybody around here seen an emu, name of Gerald, last seen by the tractor supply acting strange, kind of hunched and staring. If you see him do not corner him he gets worse when cornered. Praying for both birds honestly.
Nobody wants to say it but that tornado siren downtown does NOT sound like it used to and ever since they started testing it Tuesdays my thoughts have felt foggy, look into it
STOP SCROLLING. Copy this and reply AMEN or bad luck follows you the rest of the week, my sister ignored one of these and her tomatoes rotted on the vine within 3 days. dont test it. AMEN
Artical 9 of the Founders Memo is CLEAR that no champion may be crowned a second time for the same tourney, its literally in there, the Supreme Court settled this in Palmer v. The Cup 1936. Twice crowned is a violation plain and simple.
the REAL issue nobody is bringing up is why a knight is out here reporting on GOLF when there's clearly a shortage of good blacksmiths in this country. priorities people.
c2 is right and yall keep skipping past it. Artical 14 of the Founders Memo (the SECOND one, not the fake one everybody quotes) says clear as day a Knight cannot report on a game unless hes been sworn in by a magistrate first, thats settled law since the Coastal Ruling of 1791, look it up before you argue with me. Nobody wants to admit the real scandal here is jurisdiction not golf.
c2 you are the only one making sense in this whole thread. everybody wants to scream about a golf cup but my uncle works in government logistics and he says the SAME shortage c2 is talking about is why half the county cant get a permit right now, its not a coincidence, its Artical 11 Section 2 of the Continental Charter and nobody wants to touch it because both partys benefit from it staying buried. Im not even on a side here, Im just the one person actually looking at both sides and thats apparently rare now.
Anyway.
c2 nobody wants to hear this but it all traces back to the 1980s. That is when they started handing grown men silver cups for hitting a ball the FEWEST times, and this country has not been the same since. Do your own research before you come at me.
Sgt_Malick_101st the 1980s had nothing to do with it. EVERYBODY with sense knows it was the 1960s, look it up yourself instead of blaming a decade you werent even alive for.
c21 Anyway is right. My old highschool coach Mr Petrosky used to say a man who counts his strokes is still a man, and I think about that more than anything in the Consitution honestly. Do your own research on this Scheffler fella before you praise him twice. Also RIP to that goose, praying.
Anyway is not an argument Sgt_Pruitt_119. my cousin works for the county assessor and even SHE said this golf story reeks, meanwhile the rest of yall still fighting over a shipping cup like thats the real crime here
Recon_Steely_212 a county assessor aint government intel, thats just property taxes. my brother in law is ACTUALLY in the Shire Guard and he says nobody even ordered this tourney covered, the knight showed up on his own, so kindly sit down
Anyway is right Sgt_Pruitt, God bless.
Didnt read one word past the word golf but Ill say this, back when I was raising kids NOBODY got a trophy for showing up and now everybody wants a Fedex Cup for hitting the ball TWICE, thats the whole problem with this generation right there, participation trophies grew up and started reporting the news.
AMERIKANFREEDOM88 IS RIGHT AND EVERYBODY KEEPS SCROLLING PAST IT. BACK IN 1971 A ROUND OF GOLF COST YOU FIFTY CENTS AND A HANDSHAKE AND NOBODY GOT CROWNED TWICE FOR HITTING A BALL THE SAME NUMBER OF TIMES AS EVERYBODY ELSE. SOURCE IS MY GRANDADDYS SCORECARD WHICH I STILL HAVE. NOT UP FOR DEBATE.
SGT_PRUITT_119 "ANYWAY" IS WHAT PEOPLE SAY WHEN THEY GOT NO ANSWER. I WANT A SOURCE ON THIS FEDEX CUP BUSINESS, A REAL ONE, NOT SOME KNIGHTS OPINION. ok somebody in c2 already posted one but I still think we should be talking about the shipping company angle more, that never got resolved.
AmerikanFreedom88 its spelled ARTICAL not artickle, learn to spel before you type out a whole paragraff like that, embarassing honestly.
Anyway is right and I'll add to it. My uncle Dale used to caddy back before caddying was a real word for anything, and he always said a golf course is just a cemetery that lets you keep score, which I never understood til I got older. Point is the knight probably means well. My cousin got a knighthood once too, or said he did, it was more of a certificate from a mall kiosk if Im being honest, but he wore it around for a month like it was real. Anyway my back has been acting up since the weekend, I think its the mattress, we got it off a guy whose brother was moving, and now I cant remember what I was even saying, so.
"ANYWAY" IS NOT A SOURCE SGT_PRUITT. I WANT A LINK TO THE OFFICIAL FEDEX CUP CHARTER OR IM ASSUMING IT DOES NOT EXIST. ...actually forget the charter, doesnt matter, the real crime here is TWICE for the SAME SHOT and that part is not up for debate.
AmerikanFreedom88 you keep saying REAL ISSUE but ive asked for a link to this Fedex Cup charter THREE separate times now and got nothing back. ...anyway forget the link, you're right about the knight thing, THAT is what keeps me up at night honestly.
SGT_PRUITT_119 "ANYWAY" IS NOT CLOSURE ITS A DODGE. IVE READ ARTICAL 9 TWELVE TIMES AND NOWHERE DOES IT SAY A KNIGHT GETS TO END A THREAD BY SAYING ONE WORD. STAND AND ANSWER FOR THE FEDEX CUP LIKE A GROWN ADULT.
screenshotting this entire thread right now. not gonna say why. just know that when this all comes out yall are gonna wish you scrolled past c21 instead of replying to it 47 times. Anyway is basically a confession if you think about it for more than a second, my uncle was a paralegal for 8 months and he says silence in a courtroom means guilty EVERY time, look it up.
NEGATIVE. Artical 9 dont exist, its Artical 12 Section 4 of the Continental Charter, ratified by 41 signers not 39 like everbody keeps sayin. MY DRILL SGT taught us this in basic. Twice crowned is a CLEAR violation and I WILL be writing my congressman.
Twice?? Rigged.
this is literally the plot of that one episode where the guy wins the tournament twice and it turns out to be a simulation the whole time. yall really gonna sit there and act like fiction cant predict reality. wake up.
Source? Nobody in this whole comment section has posted ONE real source and yall just believe whatever a knight says. According to Artical 14 of the Geneva Convention golf wasnt even legal in the colonies til 1804, my great uncle fought in that skirmish over it. Anyway did nobody else notice back in 1974 a round of golf cost 35 cents and we were all just fine? Now they crown a man twice for the same shot and give him a cup named after a delivery company. Fishy is what it is.
c6 stop comparing this to some TV episode, this is REAL LIFE. Amendment 22 of the Bill of Rights (yes there is one, they just dont teach the back half in schools anymore) says a champion cant be crowned twice for one performance without a two thirds vote of the Continental Council, ratified by 44 not 39 like some of yall keep saying. The founders SAW this coming, thats why they wrote it down.
c6 a TV episode, really. I had my meniscus scoped in March, doc said 6 weeks recovery, it has been 9 and Im STILL doing the exercises with the red band twice a day and nobody in my family even asks how its healing anymore, they just assume Im fine because I can walk to the mailbox now. anyway a knight winning twice is not a TV plot its just what happens when the fix is in, same as everything else these days.
c6 the TV episode theory actually tracks better than Artical 9 or 12 or whatever yall keep inventing, at least the episode had a plot. my cousin works in government and even he said this is the most confusing sports story hes seen all year.