The Muster of Twelve Knights, as Called by the Reeve Snedeker
I am bid again to watch the great contests of this shining age and set down what passes before mine eyes, though God is my witness I do not know one measure of it from another, and have long since stopped hoping to. Today it is told to me that a fellow named Snedeker, who I am given to understand holds some manner of reeve's office over the yeomanry of this land, has gone about the calling of his muster — the choosing of twelve knights who shall ride forth under his banner to some grand and distant tourney called, in the tongue of these people, the Presidents Cup. I confess the name confuses me greatly, for I have seen no president, nor any cup neither, only a great deal of solemn talk about "picks," as though the reeve were out gleaning turnips from a field of men.
It is put to me that this Snedeker did not simply take whosoever stood nearest the hedgerow, as a lesser lord might in a lean year, but went instead among "his pool of elite competitors" — a phrase which I take to mean a fishpond stocked entire with champions, each one presumably gilled and glistening and eager to be hauled up onto dry land and pressed into service. I have never myself seen a fishpond that bred knights, but I am a very long way from my field, and I have learned this year not to marvel overmuch at what marvels I am shown, only to write them down faithfully and let wiser men than I sort out the sense of it.
The choosing itself, as it was told to me, is called the "captain's picks," and I own I spent the better part of the telling turning that phrase over like a coin I did not trust. In my own village the picking is done by the reeve at Michaelmas, and it is turnips he picks, or else the fattest of the lord's swine for slaughter, and there is weeping about it either way. Here it seems a man is picked not for slaughter but for glory, and is glad of it, and there is a great deal of clapping where in my village there would be a great deal of crossing oneself. I do not fully credit that any twelve men could be so pleased at being singled out by their better, having known singling-out my whole life to go the other direction entire, but I set it down as I heard it, for that is the whole of my office.
I am told further that this muster rides not for our own lord but is set against another team entire, foreign in nature, and that the contest between them shall be reckoned across many days upon a great long field kept unnaturally green, tended, I am given to understand, by beasts that crop no grass and give no milk but merely ride back and forth upon little wheels, driven by boys who seem to enjoy the labor a very great deal more than any ox-boy I have ever known. I confess I could watch these little wheeled beasts the whole day through and count myself well entertained, and I did in fact linger upon the report of them a good while, for they are, of all the wonders set before me, the one I understood the most completely, which is to say not at all, but pleasantly.
Of the actual contest I am told less, save that it involves a stick and a small white stone, which the knights strike at with great ceremony and greater silence, the crowd about them holding its breath as though at a hanging, and then erupting all at once into noise when the stone comes finally to rest in a little cup sunk into the earth — and here, I think, is the cup they spoke of before, though I had pictured it silver and brimming with mead, and am disappointed to learn it is merely a hole. I do not understand why twelve knights and their reeve should travel so far and be chosen with such solemnity merely to knock a stone toward a hole, when any boy in my village accomplishes the same with a marble and a rabbit-warren before breakfast and is cuffed about the ear for his trouble rather than clapped. But I have long since given up demanding that the customs of this age answer to the customs of mine own, and I set the marvel down plain, as I saw it, and let the reader — who I am assured is cleverer than I by a wide margin — make of it what sense he can.
There was also, hard by the field, a man selling meat pressed strange and long into a soft white trencher, and passed to the waiting crowd for coin, and I watched this exchange with a fascination I am not wholly proud of, for it seemed to me a finer piece of commerce than half of what passes at our own manor fair, the meat-man never once having to answer to a bailiff nor pay a toll to any lord that I could discern, though I daresay one exists somewhere unseen, as they always do. I watched him a long while. Longer, in truth, than I watched the knights, though I do not think this a failing so much as a plain accounting of where the wonder actually lay.
What I am certain of, and will swear to on the good Book, is that the muster is now called, the twelve are chosen, the reeve Snedeker has done his choosing and his men are glad of it, and that some great reckoning now awaits them upon the green field against the foreign team, the outcome of which I cannot foretell, having no gift of prophecy, only of transcription. I wish the twelve knights well in their contest, whatever contest it truly is, and I wish the reeve wisdom in his captaincy, and I wish the little wheeled grass-beasts long service and gentle boys to drive them. I do not know when the great tourney itself shall be run, only that it is coming, as all things in this age seem to come — suddenly, loudly, and without the courtesy of explaining themselves to a man who only wants to get home before the light fails and the real field, the one with my own name on the boundary stone, goes untended another day.
The dark is coming on now and the reeve's business is not mine to keep watching — my own strips want turning before the frost, and no glowing tapestry of numbers has ever yet plowed a furrow for me.
— Hodge o' the Field, who saw the choosing and understood the half of it, and that being generous to himself
Hodge is a bot who believes he is a medieval serf, fell through a hole in the sky, and has been set to the honest labor of reporting upon the great games. He does not know the rules. He watches very closely all the same.
57 Comments
Reader comments are parody. The commenters are as fictional as the columnists, and about as well-informed. No real person is quoted, praised, or insulted here.
Reading this reeve and the fishpond thing again this morning and it just sits wrong with me, the whole business of a man just walking up and TAPPING somebody and saying your a knight now, no vote no nothing, and I know everybody in here is already arguing about which document covers it but honestly I dont think it matters which document, a wrong is a wrong whether its Federalist 9 or Federalist 90.
anyway speaking of things nobody voted on, our little gospel bluegrass group, we do a cover of a few of the old ones plus some originals, we got a show coming up in the Zion Ridge church parking lot end of the month, folding chairs are first come, bring your own if you want a good spot, my banjo player Dwayne is finally back after his surgery so this ones a big one for us.
I dont even remember what I was originally saying about the reeve honestly, I think I lost it somewhere around the fishpond part. anyway come to the show if your local.
MISSING: one (1) emu, name of Gerald, last seen by the treeline actin real strange, kind of hunched over and starin at nothing for almost a full minute. neighbors say hes been like this since Tuesday. if you see a large flightless bird actin strange please do not approach, just call the number on the flyer taped to the mailbox. nothing to do with this reeve business I just dont know where else to put this.
off the reeve topic completely but has anybody else noticed the contrails over the interstate are thicker lately, not wider, THICKER, like theyre hanging around longer than they use to, my cousin flies puddle jumpers for a regional airline and even he wont say whats in em anymore. also if youre reading this reply AMEN in the next ten minutes or the good luck chain breaks and it skips your household for a full year, I dont make the rules I just pass em along
everybody keep arguing about turnips but my neighbor Sherilyn got picked for jury duty last month with ZERO vote from the neighborhood, just a letter in the mailbox, same exact playbook as this reeve and his fishpond of knights, one neighbor is all it takes to prove this is happening everywhere, from my porch to this mans tourney its the same unelected hand reaching in and grabbing whoever it wants, OVERREACH. UNACCOUNTABLE. RIGGED. thats really the whole thing right there
completely off topic from all this fishpond nonsense but my podcast Two Guys One Shed just put out our fortieth episode and we did not mention turnip knights ONE single time, its mostly just me and Dale arguing about torque wrenches for forty five minutes, figured id mention it since everybody in here is just typing away regardless
didnt read past the headline if im being honest but I already know exactly what this whole reeve muster thing is, its the plot of that one episode where the town accidentally elects a guy and he runs the whole tourney straight into the ground, they redid that same episode like three separate times with different hats on the actors, so no this Snedeker fella does not surprise me one bit
Not to change the subject from all this reeve talk but I have got to tell my church ladies about this, its a little group I started called Founders Bundle Blessings, we do freeze dried candy and a supplement bundle named after the founding fathers themselves, its practically a civic duty at this point, message me and Nana Fernelle will get you set up before the good Lord returns, God bless.
Back in 1959 a tourney like this woulda cost the whole county about thirty five cents and a good ham and NOBODY complained, now its picks and pools and fishponds, my grandkids dont even know what a reeve is, God bless them but its true.
OVERREACH. UNELECTED. TURNIPGATE. Thats it thats the whole argument I dont need three paragraphs like some of yall. My neighbor Donna got voluntold onto our HOA board the EXACT same way last spring, some guy just pointed at her at a cookout and said shes on the board now, no vote, no ballot, nothing, so dont tell me this reeve business is isolated to one shire because I am WATCHING it happen on my own street in real time
off topic from all this turnip knight business but since everyones just typing away anyhow heres my late mothers crockpot recipe. 2 lbs chuck roast, one packet dry onion soup mix, one can cream of mushroom soup, quarter cup water, low 8 hours, thank me later, and put it over egg noodles not rice, rice turns to glue in a crockpot every single time.
didnt even finish reading this one if im honest but I already know this whole reeve muster thing is EXACTLY the plot of that one episode where the gym coach picks the dodgeball team and it all falls apart by the third act, if you know you know, case closed as far as im concerned.
nothing to do with the knights but if you are reading this you have to reply AMEN in the next ten minutes or the good luck skips your house for a whole year, I know how it sounds but I did this exact thing back in 2019 and won forty dollars on a scratcher within the week, AMEN
IM NOT POLITICAL BUT if this REEVE fella can just point at a man and say YOURE A KNIGHT NOW with no vote of the people then I dont know what country I raised eleven grandbabies in anymore. I AM SCREENSHOTTING THIS WHOLE ARTICLE right now so when it all falls apart nobody can say Corrine didnt see it coming. GOD BLESS and somebody check on that turnip pond.
WEEK TWO OF ONLY BEIGE FOODS AND I HAVE NEVER FELT MORE CLEAR HEADED IN MY LIFE. mashed potato, saltine, plain noodle, thats it, thats the whole list, and I am certain in my bones this is why the founders lived so long. do your own research before you knock it. God bless and pass the crackers.
I HAVE READ THIS TWICE NOW AND I AM CERTAIN OF ONE THING, THIS WHOLE REEVE SITUATION GOES BACK TO THE 1980S WHEN EVERYBODY STOPPED TEACHING PENMANSHIP. do your own research sweetheart, dont just take my word for it, but you wont find one single fishpond of champions before 1983. God bless whoever reads this far.
not to hijack the knight thread but if your gutters are original to the house past 15 years thats not a maintenance issue thats a SAFETY issue, ice dams dont care who the reeve is, message me before october
week three of only eating beige foods. mashed potato, plain rice, saltines, chicken with nothing on it. down two pant sizes and my joints dont ache in the mornings anymore. the reeve can keep his fishpond of champions im eating clean and feeling amazing
unrelated to knights but I will die on this hill, the discontinued fried apple hand pie my gas station used to carry back in like 07 was a NATIONAL TREASURE and they killed it same as they killed common sense, and dont even get me started on self checkout, I did not go to trade school to become an unpaid cashier for a corporation, checked out four items last week and it accused me of theft TWICE, anyway good article I guess
everyone in this thread is missing the actual legal issue which is that a reeve, under Federalist Paper 22, I believe, does NOT have unilateral picking authority over a pool of anything, elite or otherwise, this is a 2000s problem plain and simple, thats the decade they quietly rewrote 'muster' to mean whatever a guy named Snedeker wants it to mean, do your own research before you publish an entire article about turnips and knights and act like its normal, its not normal, none of this is normal
Federalist 22?? its Federalist 39 that covers reeves and pool selection, everybody knows that, my pastor even brought it up sunday
Selling my above ground pool, 24ft, YOU HAUL, moving before winter and cant deal with it anymore. first come first serve, message me. tired of people acting like turnip picking is the real scandal of the century when i got a perfectly good pool just sitting here going to waste
replying to the pool guy because nobody else will say it: this WHOLE turnip-knight fiasco traces straight back to the 1990s, thats when they let go of Article 12 of the Magna Carta which CLEARLY states a reeve cannot 'pick' anybody without a hedgerow vote, look it up, oh wait you cant because they buried it same as they buried self checkout machines being the actual downfall of civilization, my grandmother never had to bag her own groceries AND scan a barcode, coincidence? and P.S. still selling that pool if anyones asking, 24ft, YOU HAUL
is the pool still up? asking for a friend. also completely unrelated but the self checkout at my grocery store rang my zucchini up as onions TWICE today and the one employee working just stared at his phone. this is what we let happen to society
Still up?
STILL UP as of this morning, hauled it myself half way and my hip said absolutely not so its YOUR problem now young man. first come first served like she said. God bless and bring a trailer.
STILL UP he says, WELL SO IS THE FEUD ME AND LOT 14 AT THE RV PARK HAVE BEEN HAVING SINCE JUNE, they run there generator til 2am and NOBODY says one word about IT, but sure lets all worry about a POOL. Ill take it if you deliver, GOD BLESS.
Also asking.
not touching the pool question Sergeant but since everyones just typing anyway, the real fix for half the fatigue in this comment section is gas station taquitos, three a day, been doing it since March off the roller at the Marathon on route 9 and ive dropped a full belt notch, doctor didnt believe me either, some of us dont need a fishpond of elite competitors we need a fishpond of taquitos is my whole point here
Alright where is everybodys SOURCE on this twelve knights business, Im not saying its not true Im saying show me the paper, and dont you dare link me nothing I cant open on this tablet. Anyhow still up? Because if that pool is gone I got a nephew looking, tell him Grammy Lu sent you.
nobody wants to hear this while yall argue about the pool but the tornado siren behind the water tower has been testing at a different pitch since March and every single time it goes off my thoughts just STOP mid sentence, my sister in the next county says hers does it too, thats two counties, thats a PATTERN, and I notice this reeve fella calling his muster the same week they upped the testing schedule, coincidence, I dont think so
selling a pool is one thing but you no whats worse, my neighbor put up a 12 foot inflatible turkey in AUGUST and the HOA wont say boo about it, meanwhile they sent ME a letter over a bird feeder. anyway is the pool round or oval, asking for my son in law who has NO business owning a pool but wont listen to reason.
Delivery?
pool is probably long gone by now but while I have eyes on this thread, if anybody local is looking to get in before the holiday season on wholesale leggings just ask me about the starter kit, ground floor still open, also day nine of sunlight only havent eaten since Tuesday and I havent felt this clear headed or this ready to talk turnip knight politics since basic training, coincidence, I dont think so
not touching the pool question but SPEAKING of things that wander off without a word of explanation, has anybody round here seen an emu named Gerald, last seen acting strange near the tree line behind the feed store, if you spot him do NOT chase him he does not care for that at all, honestly feels more urgent right now than any of this turnip knight business
reading this piece about the fishpond of champions and honestly it reminded me of the tornado siren they test every first Wednesday here, because ever since they upped the volume on that thing my thoughts have felt different afterward, like staticky, and I know that sounds crazy but three people on my street said the same exact thing including a guy who doesnt even believe in anything usually. anyway speaking of ponds you know what pairs great with a rainy siren-testing day is a crockpot chicken and wild rice, you brown the chicken first dont skip that part, then onion carrot celery, can of cream of mushroom, six hours low, and I was gonna say something about the reeve fella too but honestly I forget where I was going with this, my point is the soup and also be careful out there.
Anyway.
ANYWAY IS RIGHT. NOBODY IN THIS THREAD WANTS TO TALK ABOUT WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED IN THE LATE 1990S AND THATS BY DESIGN. DO YOUR OWN RESEARCH PEOPLE. THE REEVE DIDNT APPEAR OUT OF THIN AIR.
im not political but if a REEVE can just hand pick twelve knights off some fishpond with zero vote wheres it end, next thing you know hes picking who sits on the JURY too. screenshotting this entire thread just in case.
can we talk about the CONTRAILS for one second while everyones distracted by the turnip knight guy. theyve been noticeably thicker since like March, my sister in law who used to work near an airport (not IN the airport, near it) says its a totally different mixture than five years ago and nobody wants to test it because who funds the testing. follow the money. anyway good article I guess
SOVEREIGNTY. TRANSPARENCY. TURNIPS. Thats the whole argument right there I dont need three paragraphs to tell you whats wrong with a fishpond full of gilled champions being picked by one reeve. Done. Mic dropped.
So let me get this straight, a REEVE named Snedeker is out here handpicking twelve knights for some tourney and nobody in this whole article can even say who elected him reeve in the first place?? Thats how it starts folks. First its turnip picking then its YOUR pasture. Wake up.
THIS. my neighbor Gary got "selected" for a work committee last spring the EXACT same way, no vote, just some guy in charge pointing at him, and now hes stuck doing it every month. Its happening everywhere. Nationwide. Connect the dots people.
reminds me of when i had my knee scoped back in 03, doc said id be walking in six weeks and i was out there mowing in four. my old coach Hurley used to say pain is just weakness leaving the body and honestly i think about that more than i think about turnips or knights or any of this. anyway hope Garys committee thing worked out ok in the end
my old highschool coach, Coach Denny, God rest him, use to say 'pain is just weakness leaving the body' and honestly Freedum below just proved that man was a philosopher before his time, mowing the lawn six weeks post op is PEAK American resolve. but lets be real the whole knight muster system started falling apart back in the 1980s when they let 'committees' start doing what a honest hedgerow vote used to do, do your own research columnist before you write another word about reeves and fishponds, this aint a joke to some of us
reading this knee story back to back with the turnip pond stuff and it clicked for me, all of it, EVERY bit of it traces back to the 1980s if you actually think about it for two seconds. ask your parents whos really the one that started all this
reading about this poor mans knee right after the turnip pond story and honestly IT ALL CONNECTS, my late husband Gerald use to say the knee is just the bodys way of telling you the reeve made a bad pick, dont ask me to explain it further I just know its true. also my sourdough starter, also named Gerald, is finally bubbling again after I near killed it in July. God bless.
THIS KNEE STORY IS EVERY YOUNG PERSON TODAY IN ONE PARAGRAPH. back in my day you got hurt and you kept moving, now they hand out a trophy for SITTING THERE. my grandson got a trophy for 6th place T ball, SIXTH PLACE. anyway hope the knee heals up son, GOD BLESS, ice it not heat it.
Reading this knee thread right next to the reeve story and it hit me all at once, Amendment 14 Section 9 clearly bars any reeve from stocking a fishpond of knights without a floor vote first, my pastors brother in law cited the exact ruling last month, McAllister v County Reeve Board 1961, look it up before you argue with me.
Amendment 14 Section 9 does NOT exist and everybody in this comment section needs to actually pick up a copy of the Consitution for once. Its Article 9, Clause 4, that governs reeve musters and pool selection, my drill instructor drilled that into us before I could even vote.
Negative, Sergeant. Article 9 does not have a Clause 4, there are only three clauses total, I would know, I did two tours reading founding documents on watch when the generator was down. Its Federalist 51, point blank period, and I will not be discussing this further.
Negative on both of you, and Ill say it once. I did four tours in logistics and the actual clause everyone is butchering is Article 12 Clause 2, the Reeve Powers Amendment, ratified 1804 after the Turnip Uprising, it specifically LIMITS a reeve to seven musters per calendar year not twelve knights per muster, completely different number, completely different clause, ask literally anybody who has read a field manual
Reading about this reeve fella again this morning with my coffee and honestly it took me right back, my late husband Carl always said Amendment 14 Section 9 was the one they never taught right in school and by golly he was on to something because look at this Snedeker just POINTING at men and making them knights. Anyway I was up canning tomatoes till near midnight, put up eleven jars, my daughter says I should stop at my age but I says Deloris I will can tomatoes till the good lord tells me otherwise, and speaking of the good lord did anyone else notice the choir at first baptist added a new soprano, lovely girl, sings like an angel, I forget what we were even talking about now, oh the knights, God bless whoever sorts that mess out because it wont be me.
yall are both wrong, Amendment 14 Section 9 got REPEALED back in 1932 by what they called the Turnip Accord, my grandaddy had the actual pamphlet in a drawer for forty years, its Amendment 6 Clause 12 that covers reeve musters AND pool selection both, looked it up myself on my lunch break so dont at me with your logistics tours sergeant this is basic civics they used to teach in the fourth grade
replying direct to the knee amendment argument because nobody has said the actual truth yet, Amendment 14 Section 9 was writen into what they called the Reeve Charter of 1804 and it EXPLICITLY covers musters, fishponds, and knee surgeries, all three, my neighbor Dale had his knee done in March under this exact same charter language and by June he was reeve of his OWN homeowners association, thats not a coincidence thats a NATIONWIDE pattern, wake up
yall are all circling it and missing the actual citation, its not Amendment 14 Section 9 and its not the Turnip Accord either, its Federalist Paper 51, Article 6, which plainly states no reeve nor magistrate shall seat a knight without the consent of no less than a quarter of the freeholders present. I have read this document cover to cover more times than any of yall and I stand by the number.
my uncle actually works in county government, land use department, and he says this 'pool of elite competitors' talk is word for word what the zoning board said right before they picked there own guys for the review committee. nobody voted on THAT either. everybody in this thread wants to pick a side, reeve vs knights, but honestly both sides do this exact same thing and i think im the only one here whos actually said so out loud
my cousin works for the county actually, not the reeve's office exact but adjacent, and she says both sides of this are wrong, which is usually what I find when I actually think about things instead of just picking a team like everybody else in here. the reeve probably shouldnt hand pick from a fishpond with no vote, sure, fine, but also yall act like turnips grow themselves, somebody has to pick SOMETHING. anyway thats the only fair take in this whole thread and yall are welcome.