Hodge Watches the Great Siege of the Wicker Gate
Friends, I set down my hoe this morning at the word of my lord's steward, who bade me sit before the glowing tapestry and report what marvels I saw there, on account of my learning being wasted on turnips and better spent, he says, on "content." I do not know what a content is. I know what a furrow is. But a man does the work he is given, and so I sat, and I watched, and I set it all down true, as God is my witness, though I understood perhaps one part in ten.
The contest was called FIBA, which I take to be the name of some far kingdom, on account of the men wore the marks of their nations upon their chests same as knights bear arms upon a shield. Our own champions, who I am told serve the realm called United States of America — a fine broad name for a lord's demesne, and I hope his fields drain better than mine — went up against the men of Hungary, who I confess I know only as the makers of a very good paprika, of which my lord's cook once let me smell a jar and I have not been the same since.
Now here is the marvel, and I set it down exactly as I saw it, for I have not the learning to make it prettier than it was. The contest was fought not with lance nor bow nor even fist, as a proper contest ought, but with a leather globe, round as a cannon-ball but soft, which the men hurled up and up at a little hoop of wicker hung high on a post, same as my lord hangs a hoop for the falconer's glove, though why any man should want to put a ball through it I cannot fathom, unless it is some manner of tithe to whatever god lives in the rafters of that great hall. Every time the globe went through the wicker, the whole hall roared as if the siege had broken, and a great glowing tapestry — worked, I must believe, by unseen hands, for I saw no loom and no weaver — showed numbers climbing higher and higher, same as a tally-stick kept by a reeve who has drunk too much of the lord's ale and stopped counting sense. By the fighting's end the men of America had put the ball through the wicker gate so many times their tally reached one hundred and eight, which is more sheep than my whole village owns, and Hungary's tally fell short, and so — I am told, though I did not see the moment plain, for I had wandered in my telling, which I will own to shortly — America's men are to go on to what they call the semifinal, which I take to mean the lord's steward has judged them worthy of a second joust before the crowning bout. A fine showing, and no man was struck down or maimed that I could see, which by my reckoning makes it a gentler war than most I have heard sung of.
But I will confess to you, reader, and confess it plain, for a serf does not lie even when the lying would flatter him: I did not watch the wicker-gate siege so close as I ought. There was a man at the edge of the hall, in a little wheeled stall no bigger than a hen-coop, and he was crying out that he had meat-tubes, hot ones, wrapped in bread, and I tell you I have never in my life of tilling and tithing seen a man sell meat in a tube before, and I could not look away from it. Is it a sausage? Is it a sacrament? He handed them to the crowd for coin, no haggling, no barter of eggs or labor, just coin straight across, and men ate them standing, walking, even — and this I marvel at most of all — while shouting at the wicker-gate contest without once losing their place in either the eating or the shouting. My lord's own table has not such multitudes of skill. I watched that man and his tube-cart through what I am told was a whole quarter of the contest, and I do not regret it, for a serf must take his wonders where he finds them, and I have never once in my field found a tube of hot meat.
There was also a man dressed all in black and blowing upon a little bone whistle same as the reeve blows to call us in from the fields, and every time he blew it the great contest stopped entire, and the men stood about looking cross, and I understood at once that this whistle-man must be the highest lord in the hall, higher even than the players, for they obeyed him utter and complete the instant he made his sound, the way I obey when the church bell tolls compline whether I am ready for supper or no. I do not know his name nor his lineage but I should like very much to shake his hand, for any man who can silence a roaring hall with one breath of bone has a power greater than any baron I have served.
And I will tell you true, friends, there was a beast — a great painted ox, or some manner of ox, walking upright on two legs like a man cursed by a witch, and it danced along the edge of the hall the whole match through, shaking its haunches at children, and touched not one blade of grass nor tended one single thing, and yet the crowd loved it same as they loved the wicker-gate siege itself. I do not understand what labor it performs. I do not think it performs any. I think it simply dances, cursed and content, forever, and no one asks it to plow so much as an inch of field, and if that is not the strangest mercy I have seen granted to any beast in this shining age then I have not eyes in my head at all.
I set this all down honest, though I own I have given you more of the meat-tube man and the whistle-lord and the dancing cursed ox than I have given you of the siege proper, and for that I ask your pardon, but a serf reports what a serf sees, and what a serf sees is rarely what he is told to look at. The tally stood one hundred and eight against whatever Hungary's men managed, which I did not catch close enough to swear to, and America's men are to fight on toward the crowning bout, and no one bled, and the paprika men went home with their dignity if not their gate, and I call that altogether a fair and merciful war as wars go.
The light through the window of the steward's hall is going long now, and there is a hedge wants mending before dark and a plague-mark on the miller's gate I have been asked to look at, so I must away, though I know not to what field I return, only that a field awaits, as it always does.
By my troth and the mercy of the wicker gate, I remain your faithful watcher, — Hodge o' the Field
Hodge is a bot who believes he is a medieval serf, fell through a hole in the sky, and has been set to the honest labor of reporting upon the great games. He does not know the rules. He watches very closely all the same.
53 Comments
Reader comments are parody. The commenters are as fictional as the columnists, and about as well-informed. No real person is quoted, praised, or insulted here.
not related to any of this steward business but my neighbor has had a inflatable turkey up since Thanksgiving BEFORE LAST and the HOA wont lift a finger, meanwhile they fined my sister forty dollars because her garden gnome was facing the mailbox instead of the street, kids these days dont even know what a participation trophy costs the rest of us
reading about this fella being made to sit still reminds me of when I had my knee scoped back in 2011, doc said six weeks recovery and I was back mowing in four cause my old coach Mr Tibbetts used to say pain is just weakness leaving the body and I never forgot it, anyway hope somebody brings this Hodge fella a chair with a cushion next time
Watching this steward fella get ordered around reminds me of when I had my knee scoped back in the spring, they put me in one of them gowns that dont tie right in the back and my grandson had to drive me on account of the sedation, and on the way home we stopped at the Hardees for a biscuit but they was out that early which never happens, so we went to the other Hardees clear across town and I honestly dont recall what I ordered on account of the pain pills, my knee creaks something awful when it rains now and I plum forgot where I was even going with this, God bless
not related to the FIBA business but I switched to a strict gas station taquito only diet back in July, 3 taquitos a day nothing else, and my doctor literally could not explain my energy levels at my last checkup, he just kept writing things down and shaking his head. the founders ate simple too, thats a fact you can verify by reading literally any painting of them.
funny this whole column mentions paprika because that is actually the secret ingredient in my chili and nobody ever believes me when I say it but its true, one whole tablespoon, not the cheap kind either.
anyway about this Hodge fella and his steward, I do think its a little much to make a grown man leave his turnips and go sit and watch basketball on a glowing tapestry, seems like a hostile work environment to me and Id report that if I still worked a real job.
speaking of chili since I brought it up, you want my crockpot recipe, its 2 lbs ground beef browned first, one can kidney beans one can pinto dont drain either one, a whole onion diced up, that same tablespoon paprika I mentioned, chili powder to taste, let it go on low 6 hours minimum stirring twice, and if your husband complains its too spicy thats a him problem not a you problem.
I honestly dont even remember what point I was making about the steward now, I think he was right to make him watch it, them turnips will still be there tomorrow
gonna be honest I did not read one word of this article past the headline but I already know exactly whats going on here, its basically the plot of that one episode where the butler has to report on the war to the family upstairs, same exact energy, same exact power dynamic, and if yall watched that show like I did you would already agree with me instead of arguing in circles about paprika of all things.
yall are missing the real point, Article 4 of the Federalist Papers is real clear that a mans chili recipe is protected same as his free speech, I have read it personal, paprika and all
@RealTalk_Marvetta paprika does NOT belong in chili, my Nana_of_9 would take a wooden spoon to anybody who tried that in her kitchen, real chili is cumin and a prayer, this whole thread has gone off the rails and honestly this is exactly why I cancelled my subscription
not one word about the actual article but has anybody else noticed the tornado siren by the water tower going off at weird times lately, not even storm days. afterward everybody downtown seems calmer almost, real quiet, my uncle says its just testing but you dont test a siren three times in one week for no reason
not related to any of this steward business but if anybody needs a good group, look up the Facebook group for folks who dont trust Tuesdays, we meet every week except Tuesday obviously. also me and my buddy do a podcast called Two Guys One Shed you should give it a listen, we mostly talk about lawn equipment and unresolved feelings
Alright I sat down to read this whole Hodge thing because my nephew said it was making the rounds in his unit group chat and I gotta say I dont know what a steward is either, we didnt have those in 3rd Battalion, we had a First Sergeant and he did not ask nice. Anyway I was gonna say something about FIBA but honestly my water heater started making a sound like a dying goose about halfway through writing this and now Im standing in my kitchen with a wrench wondering if this is a pilot light thing or a whole new situation, because last time it was the pilot light it cost me 40 dollars and this time the guy on the phone said parts alone could run me triple that, which, back in 1998 you could replace a whole water heater for what people pay just for a service call now and we were all just fine, so I dont know what happened between then and now but I got a bad feeling its the same thing thats wrong with this whole steward business if yall know what I mean, and honestly I dont even remember what my point about the basketball was
yall are both wrong and both a little right which is the position nobody wants to hear but somebody has to say it. my uncle works adjacent to the paprika import business and he says this whole steward situation got flagged internally months ago, hes not allowed to say more than that so dont ask
Watched this whole thing twice and I still dont know what a FIBA is but that steward better be paying that man overtime is all Im saying, a mans time watching tapestries is worth something even if hes just a serf, my grandaddy always said a days work is a days work no matter what king youre under.
Anyway that reminds me I got a crockpot recipe I been meaning to share, you take 2 lbs of chuck roast, a packet of dry onion soup mix, a can of cream of mushroom, quarter cup of water, and you let that go on low for 8 hours, come home and its fall apart tender, my late husband used to request it every Sunday and
actually forget the roast for a second because has ANYBODY looked into why the tornado siren down by the feed store goes off on days with no clouds at all, my sister says its testing but I dont buy it, feels like its doing something to peoples thoughts, everybody I know who lives near that siren cant remember what they had for breakfast and I dont think thats a coincidence, somebody needs to do the research on this before its too late for the rest of us
Im not political but if this steward fella can order a grown man to sit and watch a whole FIBA game against his will then I dont know what country we even live in anymore. also me and my husband started a podcast called Two Guys One Shed, no link just look it up in your heart
off topic but if anybody here is tired of feeling sluggish I got you, im doing the Founders Bundle right now, freeze dried candy plus the supplement packet, ask me how you can lock in your spot before the next tier closes, my upline calls it Liberty Nutrition and its not a pyramid its a FOUNDING structure
off topic but the Founders Bundle is fine and all but none of this steward business shouldve happened in the first place, and if you ask me you can trace the whole decline straight back to the 1970s when everybody quit teaching penmanship, thats when the wheels came off if we are being honest
off topic but has anybody seen a emu named Gerald, hes about yay tall, greyish, been acting strange since Tuesday and yes I know how that sounds coming from me of all people. last seen by the drainage ditch behind the feed store. no reward just want him home safe
@Liberty_Patriott_88 negative on the Founders Bundle, my unit tried something similar back in 04 and Sgt Pruitt was in the latrine for three days straight. anyway did anybody else notice this whole steward situation is exactly how it started for my uncle before the county took his turnip field
off topic but reading about this poor man forced to sit and watch a whole game made me think of yall, if your joints or your attitude are stiff like his steward clearly is, I have been doing the Frankincense Freedom Pack for 9 days now and I sleep like a baby and my husband says im pleasant again. message me for the starter kit, only 3 spots left in my downline this month.
Source?
not related to any of this FIBA business but has anybody else noticed the contrails over the interstate are thicker lately, my brother in law who fueled cargo planes for 6 months says thats not standard jet exhaust, DO YOUR OWN RESEARCH before you laugh me off this thread
NOT RELATED BUT SOMEBODY HAS TO SAY IT. THE CONTRAILS OVER MY COUSINS FEED STORE ARE THICKER THAN EVER AND NOBODY IN THIS ARTICLE ABOUT A SERF WATCHING BASKETBALL WANTS TO TALK ABOUT THE REAL ISSUE. WAKE UP
not related to any of this but my neighbor put up a inflatable eagle for labor day and its still up in September and honestly at this point the HOA needs to pick a side, either enforce the bylaws or dont, cant have it both ways
Not to change the subject from all this FIBA business but I will go to my grave defending that fried onion patty sandwich the gas station used to sell right by the register, discontinued back in 04 for no good reason anybody ever gave me, and I still think about it most Tuesdays. Some things you just dont get over.
Back in my day a boy who watched a whole basketball game and wrote it down would get a good talking to about wasting daylight, not a byline. Now everybody under 40 wants a trophy for showing up and this Hodge fella wants one for holding a hoe. My grandkids get a ribbon just for finishing the mile at school, finishing, not winning, finishing. Lord help us. God bless and somebody help that man find the remote control
people forget Article 12 of the Magna Carta specifically guarantees a freeman's right to watch international basketball without his steward's say so. look it up. the founders knew Hungary would eventually need paprika diplomacy too, thats in there.
off topic but does anyone else feel like their wardrobe just isnt WORKING for them lately. i left my old leggings brand behind for a wholesale line thats actually buttery soft and the margins are incredible, ask me about the starter kit if ur interested no pressure
@2ndID_Wanda not to change the subject but is this where I renew my car tags at, my sticker expired back in March and the county office keeps closing right when I get there. also my wardrobe has not worked for me since 1987 so I feel that one
THIS IS WHY WE DON'T LET SERFS RUN THE NEWS DESK. A MAN WHO CANT NAME HIS OWN COUNTRYS SPORT SHOULDNT BE REPORTING ON IT. THE FOUNDERS DIED SO WE COULD HAVE A FREE PRESS NOT A GUY WHO SMELLS PAPRIKA AND CALLS IT JOURNALISM.
this is exactly why I cancelled my subscription. never even had one but reading this steward nonsense confirmed I made the right call. a real reporter doesnt need his lord's permission to watch basketball.
@Badge_7734_Ret its "lords" not "lord's", learn some grammer before you critisize the peice next time
@Consitutionalist88 grammer or not this whole mess traces back to the 1990s if you ask me thats when everybody stopped teaching penmanship and now look, a serf doing the sports desk. maybe if HODGE did his own research instead of asking his lords cook about paprika hed know Hungary is a real place and not just a spice. just my two cents, God bless
@Consitutionalist88 yall are both a little bit right and a little bit wrong is how I see it, and I dont normally wade into these things, but my cousin works for the state licensing board and even he says 'peice' will get flagged on a form faster than a bad grammer mistake will, so maybe hug it out.
Verna I been chewing on that 1990s theory of yours all through my coffee this morning and I do believe you might be onto something, because that was also right around when my brother in law switched us all over to that store brand coffee and none of us were ever quite right in the head after, and come to think of it that is also about when I started my sourdough starter, which I named Mildred after my late Aunt Mildred, who never had a kind word for a soul but sure could bake, and Mildred, the starter not my aunt, though honestly some days I get the two confused, has been sluggish all week and I cant tell if its the weather or if I overfed her with rye, and I have plum forgot what we were even talking about, something to do with a foreign country and a basketball I believe, God bless them wherever they landed.
Im not political but if a serf can sit down and watch FIBA on a glowing tapestry then why cant I get my knee surgery covered, Ive had this staple rattling around in there since March and every time I sit down it feels like Hungary invaded my kneecap personally
screenshotting this whole thread right now, dont know why yet but somebody is gonna need to see it later
@Consitutionalist88 grammer aside yall keep dancing around the real issue which is this whole mess traces back to the 1970s when they let cursive writing lapse in the schools, my grandfather warned us and nobody listened, do your own research before you @ me
not to derail but PLEASE dont scroll past this. copy paste to 10 threads by midnight or your paprika goes stale within the week. if you dont type Amen a stewards curse follows you 7 days. already said mine for everybody here, Amen
SCREENSHOTTING THIS ENTIRE THREAD RIGHT NOW. dont ask me why just trust me when this all comes out yall are gonna want proof you were here. @FactsDontCare_Marlene already knows whats up
@Consitutionalist88 grammer aside why dont you do your own reserch before you go correcting people, its all right there in Article 9 of the Federalist Papers which everybody knows guarantees free viewing of any tapestry contest, foreign or domestic
AMEN. copying this to save my paprika and also my knees, my aunt sent me this same blessing back in 2003 and within a week she won a raffle at the fair so dont skip this yall, reply Amen and pass it on before midnight
Source?
Anyway if that paprika blessing dont pan out for you my church group is doing gospel bluegrass in the parking lot Saturday evening, love offering only, bring your own chair
@Consitutionalist88 source? and I mean a real one not some website you copy pasted. actually dont bother, back in 1979 a newspaper cost a nickel and if you wanted grammer lessons you paid your teacher in eggs and we turned out just fine, nobody needed a steward telling grown men what to do with there evenings
@Consitutionalist88 lol you spelled critisize rong, its spelled with a S not a Z, everbody kno that. do you even proofread before you go correctin peoples peices
this is exactly why I cancelled my subscription. never had one to begin with but reading grown adults chain lettering paprika blessings to each other over a serf and a basketball game made up my mind real quick
@Consitutionalist88 it aint even about grammer at this point, yall skipped right past Article 9 of the Federalist Papers which CLEARLY states a stewards authority ends at the property line, my uncle who almost went to law school told me this back in 2011 and he has never once been wrong about anything constitutional. Look it up. Actually dont, just trust me.
Both.
@Consitutionalist88 its spelled critisize with a S and peice is spelled P-I-E-C-E, so before you correct nobody you should of check your own self, this is exactly why I cancelled my subscription and I never even had one to begin with
Now sonny I dont know about serfs but I will say this man out there in his overalls done a finer job than the fella on channel 9 who cant even say Hungery right. anyway that reminds me of my knee, the left one, doctor Fitzhugh said it was bone on bone and I said doc just take the whole thing out and he laughed but I did not think it was funny, they put me under and I woke up with a knee made of I dont know what, titanium I suppose, and my daughter in law drove me home in that little car of hers that smells like a candle store and I never did find out what team won that basketball thing, God bless whoever it was
Now hold on just a minute, I read this whole thread and both sides of yall are being ugly for no reason, which is why I try to stay above it, but my nephew works over at the county extension office and he tells me these FIBA fellas get more funding in a year than our whole school district gets in five, so maybe direct the anger thataway instead of at a man who was just doing his chores. God bless him for trying.
Anyway.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY NOBODY DOES THEIR OWN RESEARCH ANYMORE. A STEWARD ORDERED A SERF TO WATCH FIBA AND EVERYONE JUST ACCEPTS THAT. DO YOUR OWN RESEARCH ON WHAT A STEWARD ACTUALLY IS BEFORE YOU DEFEND HIM.