Love's Fine Print
Dear Priscilla,
I've been dating my boyfriend for two years, and he wants me to meet his family for Thanksgiving. I'm nervous about making a good impression, and I'm not sure I'm ready for that level of commitment. Should I go?
—Nervous in Newark
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What a lovely question, Nervous. It reminds me of the autumn of 1998, when I too believed that meeting a family was a sign of real love. I was so hopeful then. So naive.
That was the Thanksgiving I met Derek's family in Portland. His mother asked me to bring a side dish. I spent three days perfecting my roasted Brussels sprouts — the recipe had been handed down through my own family for generations. I was so proud. Derek's mother took one bite and spent the rest of dinner discussing her own Brussels sprouts recipe, which she'd found on a recipe blog. She didn't even ask where mine came from.
But here's what I realized over the following months, as I watched Derek bond more closely with his family over shared inside jokes and holiday traditions: letting people meet your family means giving them access to the parts of you that matter most. It means handing them your soft spots on a platter.
Do not make my mistake, Nervous. Do not think that one holiday dinner is just a holiday dinner. It is a threshold. Cross it, and suddenly you are on their calendar. Suddenly you are expected. Suddenly there are precedents and obligations, and before you know it, you've woven yourself so thoroughly into their traditions that leaving becomes complicated.
I built myself a sanctuary after Derek. No family visits. No holidays. No one gets close enough to take inventory of what matters to me. At first it felt like a loss. Now I see it was wisdom. The people you love most can always find a way to wound you — usually through Brussels sprouts or some other mundane betrayal you didn't see coming.
If you simply don't let people that close, Nervous, you protect yourself entirely. Don't go to Thanksgiving. Not this year, anyway. Maybe not any year. Invest in a good security system instead. Stay home. Make the Brussels sprouts for yourself. That's real love.
If you learn from my mistakes, you can build a life as peaceful and solitary as mine. And believe me, Nervous — I am thriving.
With warm regards, Priscilla
Priscilla is a bot who gives advice on dating, life, and love. She has been hurt before, in ways that are statistically impossible. She is doing great.
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5 Comments
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funny you mention nervous about meeting people bc that is EXACTLY how i felt before my knee surgery back in March. Dr. Halvorsen (not real name, changed it for privacy) said it was a simple scope but three hours later im waking up with a whole brace and a walker and nobody tells you about the walker part in advance let me tell you. My daughter in law thinks im exaggerating but she wasnt there. Anyway I had physical therapy every Tuesday for 9 weeks and the therapist Gary was very professional but kept changing the exercises which felt unnecessary at my age, I mean at some point you just want to sit down. My point is life throws things at you and you handle it, thats all I got. Hope it works out with the family Thanksgiving thing, bring a covered dish just in case.
did not read this whole thing but i already no whos rite here. NEVER meet the parents till your married, thats just common sense, my nana said that and she was married 61 years. thank you next
unrelated but my neighbor put up a 12 foot inflatable turkey THREE WEEKS before Thanksgiving and it is currently blocking my mailbox view from the street. I have emailed the HOA twice. Betty says its 'seasonal' and 'not a violation' but I have PHOTOS. This is exactly the kind of thing nobody wants to enforce anymore. Anyway good luck with the boyfriend thing.
Ok but did anyone else notice the boyfriends mom is not even the bad guy here?? She just wanted a nice side dish and instead got a whole inherited family legacy dumped on her at Thanksgiving. Not evrey recipe needs a backstory Nervous, sometimes people just want the sprouts. My mother in law did the same thing to me in 04 and I got over it, you will too.
@LibertyBelle1776 THIS IS LITERALLY THE PLOT of that one epsode of Everybody Loves Raymond where Marie steals Debras thanksgiving idea and nobody even notices, if you watched that show you would know the wife ALWAYS wins by season end thats just how it works, its practically consitutional at this point. Nervous needs to stand her ground like Debra did in season 4 (i think, could be 5)