Trust Issues are Just Good Foresight

Dear Priscilla,

My partner of three years recently said they want to spend more weekends with their friends. I'm worried this is a sign they're losing interest in me. How do I talk to them about my concerns without seeming clingy or insecure?

—Marcus, Des Moines, Iowa

A heartfelt concern, Marcus. It's natural to want reassurance from someone we love. It reminds me of the spring of 1998, when my ex-fiancé Gregory said something very similar—he claimed he wanted to "pursue his own interests" and "have a life outside the relationship."

That's when I knew. Not about him wanting to leave, mind you—about the fundamental untrustworthiness of people who spend time with other people. Do not make my mistake, Marcus. I took his interest in his pottery circle as a personal rejection. (Of course, this was also 2004, when he showed up at my door without warning to reclaim the hand-thrown mug he'd given me in 2001, which proves my point about the pottery people.)

The real issue is this: every moment he spends with his friends is a moment he's not spending with you, and every moment he's not spending with you is an opportunity for him to develop opinions that contradict yours. I learned this the hard way. After Gregory left, I made a simple decision. I stopped leaving the house on weekends. Better yet, I stopped leaving on weekdays. By 2003, I had perfected the art of being unavailable before they could be.

Marcus, the solution isn't to talk to your partner about your concerns—it's to become unavailable first. Let them wonder. Adopt a nocturnal schedule. Tell them you're working on a secret project (you don't have to specify that it's a moat). Buy three mirrors and rearrange them weekly so people never feel settled in your home. Start a sole proprietorship raising nocturnal reptiles. They'll have no choice but to organize their weekends around your schedule.

I haven't spoken to another human being by choice since 2006, Marcus, and I've never been happier. My Burmese pythons and I have an understanding that Gregory and his pottery could never achieve. You can have this too—this peace, this certainty, this small collection of loyal, cold-blooded creatures who will never, ever express interest in a pottery circle.

Follow my path, Marcus, and you'll never have another doubt.

—Priscilla