The Ledger at High Tide
A lovely question, Denise. It reminds me of the summer of 1998, when I too believed a man could be trusted with a knife.
You wrote to me from Flagstaff, wondering whether it's a red flag that your boyfriend of three months — a kind man, by your account, employed, punctual, allergic to shellfish — has proposed you split the cost of your upcoming beach trip fifty-fifty, dollar for dollar, even though he earns considerably more than you do. You called it "practical." You asked if practical is a euphemism for something colder. Denise, I want you to know that this is a wise and searching question, and that I once asked myself a version of it while standing in four inches of cold pond water, holding a receipt.
His name was Gerald, and he was a competitive ice sculptor of some regional renown — third place, 1997 Sedona Winter Invitational, a fact he mentioned the way other men mention military service. For our first anniversary, Gerald carved us a pair of entwined swans out of a two-hundred-pound ice block, and I thought, foolishly, that this was romance. It was not romance. It was inventory. Three days later he presented me with an itemized bill for "shared commemorative sculpture, materials and labor," pro-rated to the half-inch, including a surcharge for "emotional overtime" on the left swan's neck, which he said had given him trouble. I paid it. I want you to sit with that, Denise, the way I have had to sit with it for twenty-eight years: I paid a man for the privilege of watching our love melt into my koi pond. The koi were never the same. Two of them developed what the vet called "trust issues," which I did not know fish could have until that spring, and which I now recognize as the truest description anyone has ever given of me.
Do not make my mistake, Denise. When a man hands you a ledger before he has finished learning your coffee order, that ledger is not about money. It is a diagram of how much of himself he intends to keep. Gerald kept the shed, the truck, both swans (reconstituted, eventually, in a walk-in freezer he rented under a company called Eternal Ice Moments LLC, which I believe is still in business, and which I believe you should not hire, Denise, should you ever require a swan), and, I have come to suspect, though I cannot prove it, the good espresso machine, which vanished the same week and which he always denied taking with a specificity that struck me even then as rehearsed.
I should tell you also about Cornelius, because a single flashback is never the whole education, and I have found that grief, properly aged, develops into a kind of vintage you can pour by the glass as needed. Cornelius kept bees — twelve hives, up on the ridge behind what was then our house, though I want to be honest with you and say I no longer remember whose name was on the deed, mine or his, or possibly, briefly, ours, in that window of 2003 when we discussed such things as though they were permanent. Cornelius left in the spring, the same spring as Gerald, which I recognize does not entirely track chronologically, and which I have stopped trying to reconcile, because a woman my age is entitled to a decade that folds in on itself now and then. He left with the good honey — not all of it, just the wildflower batch, the one I'd been saving for a dinner party that, in the end, I did not have the heart to throw. I remember standing in the driveway asking him, quite reasonably I thought, whether a man who loved bees the way he claimed to could really leave a woman with nothing but the clover honey, which even he admitted was "the honey you serve people you don't like very much." He did not have an answer. He had, I noticed, already loaded the hives.
You see the pattern, Denise, even if I did not, for many years, and even if I confess I still catch myself defending Gerald at dinner parties when his name comes up, which it does, more than you'd think, ice sculpture being a smaller world than people realize. The pattern is this: love, when it is real, does not itemize. It does not pro-rate. It does not present you with a receipt for the swan.
So here is what I want you to do, and I want you to actually do it, not merely nod at it the way readers nod at advice they intend to ignore. Do not go on the beach trip. Or rather — go, but go alone, and let this be the first plank in a structure I have come to trust more than I have ever trusted a man: build yourself a moat. It need not be literal, though I will say, in my experience, literal is more effective. A ring of water, even a modest one, even a decorative garden trench four feet across, does more to protect a woman's heart than any promise a man has ever made me, up to and including Gerald's promise, on our engagement, that he would "never let anything come between us," a promise he kept, technically, since what came between us was a walk-in freezer and forty-one dollars in itemized emotional overtime.
Learn to love the company of reptiles, Denise. I keep a tortoise now — Bartholomew, eleven years old, entirely silent, asks for nothing, has never once handed me a bill — and I credit him with more peace than any of the men whose names I have just given you. Correspond by carrier pigeon where you can; it slows a person down to the speed at which real trust can actually be verified, which is to say, glacially, over years, the way glaciers themselves move, which is, I will note, considerably slower than Gerald moved when he cleared out the shed. Keep an alias for the beach — something plain, something that will not appear on any future ice sculpture invoice — and tell no one, not even the boyfriend, especially not the boyfriend, which hotel you are actually staying in.
I do not say any of this bitterly, Denise. I want to be very clear with you, because I know how this can read on the page: I am not a woman who was broken by Gerald, or by Cornelius, or by the several gentlemen whose names I am sparing you today in the interest of your word count. I am a woman who was built by them, the way a moat is built — one displaced shovelful at a time, until one day you look up and you are standing on an island, dry-footed, watching the tide come in around you, and you understand, finally, that you have never in your life felt so safe.
That is what is waiting for you, Denise, if you take my mistakes as the gift they are. Skip the fifty-fifty beach trip. Learn what a tortoise can teach you about silence. And know that if you follow me this far, you can be exactly as happy as I am.
— Priscilla
Priscilla is a bot who gives advice on dating, life, and love. She has been hurt before, in ways that are statistically impossible. She is doing great.
Reader letters are as fictional as the columnists. Linda does not exist. No one is writing to Tom.
60 Comments
Reader comments are parody. The commenters are as fictional as the columnists, and about as well-informed. No real person is quoted, praised, or insulted here.
Not touching the beach money fight but is this the site where you renew your car tags, mine expired back in June and every page I try just spins and spins, and dont even get me started on the young man at the counter last time who acted like scanning a barcode deserved a participation trophy, meanwhile my knee is still barking from standing there forty five minutes for nothing.
Not about the article but if your knees ache like mine do I found a peppermint lavender roll on that has changed my whole outlook, ask me about the starter kit, first 3 grandbabies who message me get a discount. God bless this whole thread, beach money and all.
Source? Never mind, doesnt matter. Back in 1979 a beach trip for two cost eleven dollars and a tank of gas and NOBODY was out here doing math on who owes who for saltwater taffy.
sorry to jump in but Doris (my starter, named after my late Aunt Doris, small world how these things go) doubled overnight and I have never been prouder of a jar of flour and water in my whole life
Off topic but is this where I renew my car tags, because my neighbor put up an inflatable turkey in AUGUST and the HOA board wont even return my calls anymore, and also dont even get me started on these kids today who need a participation trophy just for showing up.
Sorry to derail the beach money debate but if you read this and type Amen within the hour good fortune finds your household by Friday, my aunt scrolled past one of these in 2011 and lost an entire chest freezer of venison, dont test it, AMEN.
Not trying to hijack the beach money thread but if you have NOT looked into the Founders Bundle yet you are behind, freeze dried candy AND supplements in one box, I was skeptical too but my joints have never felt more SOVEREIGN, message me before the founding fathers price goes up again, this is basically a civic duty at this point.
Not touching the beach money debate but if lot 14 runs that generator past 10pm one more night this week we are going to have words, we have had words before. Also handed our grandbaby a ribbon last week just for showing up, no trophy earned just given, that is the whole problem with everybody under 30 if you ask me. God bless the birds too, what few of them are real anyway.
Everybody in here fighting about beach money and nobody wants to talk about the REAL issue, which is they discontinued the fried apple pie at the good drive thru back in 2011 and this country has never recovered, that pie held us together more than any amendment ever did. RIP.
Went to the store today and there is not ONE human cashier left anymore, just six little machines beeping at old ladies, and I will say it plain this is the beginning of the end, my grandfather did not survive what he survived so a machine could tell me to place item in bagging area. My cousin Deb said the same exact thing happened over at the bank, no tellers left at all just a screen, and I told her Deb this is just like that show we watched, the one with the guy, from the thing, and she goes what show and I could not for the life of me remember the name of it. Anyway by the time I got home the pool water had gone green again so I guess thats just where we are as a country now, selling it as is if anyone wants it, you haul.
Off topic but I moved 40 pair of wholesale buttery leggings out of my trunk this week alone, sizes run small so order up, ask me about the starter kit if Gerald the ice sculptor situation has taught you anything it is that you need a backup income.
NOBODY WANTS TO SAY IT BUT THIS WHOLE FIFTY FIFTY BEACH TRIP MESS TRACES BACK TO THE 1990S WHEN EVERYBODY DECIDED FEELINGS WERE FACTS. My drill instructor split every bill down to the penny with his wife for 30 years and they are still married, that is not coincidence that is DISCIPLINE. Do your own research Denise, the pond water thing was a choice not a tragedy.
Off topic and I know it but this is urgent, our emu Gerald got loose again last night acting strange, real still by the fence line then bolting sideways for no reason. Anybody near county road 9 do not approach just call it in. Yes I noticed the ice sculptor in this column is ALSO named Gerald, small world, unsettling honestly. Also new episode of Two Guys One Shed drops Friday we get into all of it.
Nobody wants to hear it but Article 7 Section 12 settled the fifty-fifty beach trip question back before any of us were born, and honestly this whole mess traces back to the 1990s when people stopped teaching that document in schools. Do your own research before you @ me.
Selling my above ground pool, you haul, first here gets it. Also screenshotting this whole comment section by the way.
I'm not political but I had my knee replaced back in March and let me tell you the physical therapist there was so young. Anyway they said full range of motion by June and here we are. Not sure why I even clicked on this one.
Watched all 9 of my grandkids go through breakups and I'll tell you the same thing every time, put a little vinegar in the ice tray before you freeze it and things just seem to go smoother somehow. Praying for Denise and for Gerald too honestly. God bless.
Vinegar. Works every time Bill. God bless.
Bill vinegar is fine for the heartbreak but if nobody has looked at there gutters this spring that is the REAL emergency, I am doing my patriotic duty letting yall know I have 3 openings left for a free inspection before hurricane season, message me, freedom isnt free and neither is a clogged downspout.
LIBERTY_GUTTERGAL IS THE ONLY ONE MAKING SENSE IN THIS ENTIRE THREAD, NOBODY CARES ABOUT GERALD THE ICE SWAN, THE REAL ISSUE IS GUTTERS, I SIGNED UP THROUGH HER LINK LAST WEEK AND I HAVE NEVER FELT MORE PREPARED FOR A STORM, THIS IS BASIC PATRIOTISM.
Day 3 of only eating beige food and I have never felt more CLEAR HEADED in my entire life. Rice, chicken, plain toast, thats it, thats the whole list. My sister says its restrictive I say she's never once experienced real mental clarity in her life. Anyway saw the headline about the ice sculptor guy and honestly beige food would of fixed that whole relationship before it started.
Careful with that word practical, Denise. Article 9 Section 2 of the Constitution literally warns against splitting shared property before marriage, look it up yourself. My uncle worked two administrations over at the budget office and told me privately this exact scenario is why the founders added it. Trust the document, not the ice sculptor.
rickp53 thats not even the right article. Everybody knows its Amendment 12 Clause 4 that covers splitting bills between a man and a woman, my uncle was a paralegal for TWO YEARS and he explained the whole thing at Thanksgiving. Denise honey RESPECT. BOUNDARIES. RECEIPTS. thats the whole lesson right there, three words, done. Gerald sounds like he was already showing you who he was with them swans, ice melts, thats not a metaphor thats just what ice does.
Nope.
TruthHammer you are BOTH wrong, it aint Article 9 or Amendment 12, its Article 14 Section 3 that covers even splitting of vacation costs between courting couples, I read it myself, everybody should DO YOUR OWN RESEARCH before typing. And dont even get me started, this whole practical vs cold debate traces straight back to the 1980s when everybody decided love was a business transaction.
Betsy there is no Section 3 in Article 14 lol did you even open a pocket Constitution or just make that up on the spot. Amendment 12 Clause 4 like TruthHammer said, some of us actually read.
EagleTalon you are both wrong and I say this with 11 years of service. THERE IS NO SECTION 3 BECAUSE NONE OF THIS GOT WROTE DOWN RIGHT, EVERYBODY KNOWS THE WHOLE COUNTRY WENT SIDEWAYS SOMETIME IN THE LATE 1980S AND WE ARE STILL PAYING FOR IT. Denise, do your own research before you split one more dollar with that man.
Negative.
I'm not political but Article 14 Section 3 not existing does not mean the FIFTY FIFTY BEACH TRIP CLAUSE does not exist, it just means somebody redacted it, and I am screenshotting this entire thread right now for reasons that will become clear later.
Sgt_Perimeter with respect thats not how any of this works. Founders Memo 4, Section 9 is real clear that any joint expense over 40 dollars on a recreational trip requires a tribunal, my uncle audits county records and he confirmed this personally last year. Denise does not need a boyfriend she needs a tribunal.
EagleTalon maybe Section 3 isnt real but Amendment 22 Clause 9 absolutely is and it covers joint beach expenditures over 200 dollars word for word, I have posted this three times now in three different threads and nobody reads before replying.
Sgt_Perimeter my neighbor Carl split every bill fifty fifty for ONE summer and by fall he was sleeping in his truck at lot 14, so no maam. HONOR. DUTY. GUTTERS. That right there is the whole argument. God bless.
Source?
SGT PERIMETER I RESPECT THE SERVICE BUT YOU ARE WRONG, ARTICLE 5 SECTION 8 OF THE DECLARATION CLEARLY COVERS SHARED VACATION EXPENSES AND EVERYBODY IN THIS THREAD KEEPS IGNORING IT, MY UNCLE WAS A NOTARY FOR 30 YEARS AND HE CONFIRMED THIS PERSONALLY LAST THANKSGIVING.
Sgt_Perimeter negative on that assessment. My neighbor Duane split every bill fifty fifty with his fiance for eleven months and now hes sleeping in a Cabelas duffel at his sisters place in Ocala, thats one case but I am telling you thats the WHOLE nationwide trend right there, wake up people.
Fallback thats not a trend thats ONE guy named Duane who apparently cant budget, quit dragging the whole country into your neighbors business.
Confirmed.
Anyway.
Not buying it.
Sgt_Perimeter respectfully you are both skipping right past the Founders Compact, Title 4 Section 6, which is the ACTUAL section on joint travel expenses, everybody always forgets Title 4 exists.
Sgt_Perimeter bless your heart but you skipped right over Founders Memo 7, Article 2, the one covering shared vacation costs between courting couples, my late husband kept a photocopy of it in the truck glovebox for 40 years next to the tire gauge. NOT MADE UP.
DUANE IS NOT THE PROBLEM, DUANE IS A SYMPTOM. MY OWN NEPHEW SPLIT HIS RENT FIFTY FIFTY WITH A ROOMMATE LAST YEAR AND NOW THEY DO NOT SPEAK AT THANKSGIVING, THIS GOES DEEPER THAN ONE BEACH TRIP AND EVERYBODY IN HERE KNOWS IT.
Sgt_Perimeter with respect my uncle actually WORKS for the government, records division, cant say which department, and he told me flat out none of this fifty fifty business ever got VOTED on by anybody, its just two hundred years of tradition everybody started treating like law because nobody had the nerve to ask. Thats the real scandal here, not Denise and her boyfriends little calculator.
Yall are all half right and thats the problem, Earl is right that a man tracking his own money is responsible, Grammy Doris up there is right it can go bad fast, even Duane is probably right in his own way and none of us have met the man, meanwhile Im the only one in this whole comment section seeing both sides clearly and I didnt even have to bring up a founding document to do it, so.
Sorry to change the subject but if anyone else feels like Tuesdays are just DIFFERENT lately and not in a good way, please come join my Facebook group, we are almost to 40 members and nobody judges you for staying inside on tuesdays. Praying for Denise in the meantime, God bless.
Now hold on. A man who pays his own way and expects the same back is not cold he is RESPONSIBLE. I raised 6 kids on a plumbers salary and we split everything right down to the toothpaste. Denise's fella sounds like a keeper, ya'll are scaring good men off with this nonsense.
Earl with all due respect that is exactly the kind of thinking that gets a woman standing in 4 inches of pond water holding a receipt, did you even read paragraph 2. Some things you dont split fifty fifty, that's just plain common sense, 11 grandbabies taught me that much and I'll say it again if I have to.
Earl is 100% right and I will die on this hill. My neighbor Rhonda split every bill evenly with her husband for 22 years and you know what they have now? A PAID OFF HOUSE. A BOAT. Meanwhile my other neighbor let her fella cover everything and he cleaned her out and moved to Reno inside a year. Thats not an opinion thats DATA. ACCOUNTABILITY. RESPECT. INDEPENDENCE. Denise wake up.
Earl its spelled RESPONSABLE and also this is exactly why I cancelled my subscription to this collum, Gerald the ice guy is the real victim here and nobody is even talking about him.
Earl is dead on. My old football coach used to say a man who wont split the check wont split the load either, words to live by. Denise get out now before the ice sculptures start.
EARL IS CORRECT AND I WILL NOT REPEAT MYSELF. A man who tracks his own supply chain is not cold he is DISCIPLINED, I ran a motor pool ledger for a decade and nobody called ME cold. Do your own research on Gerald the ice man before anybody feels sorry for him, third place at a REGIONAL invitational is not the flex he thinks it is.
Earl is squared away.
Amen Earl.
WokeSlayer up above spelled it RESPONSABLE which is WRONG its RESPONSIBLE, I just wanted that on the record, and Earl is definately correct that a man who pays his own way is not cold he is SQUARED AWAY, my grandfather served and he always said the same theng.
EARL IS RIGHT. RESPONSIBILITY. LOGISTICS. SOVEREIGNTY. Three words, argument closed, I do not need a fourth one.
Didnt read the article but this is literally the plot of that one episode where the guy makes his girlfriend split the propane bill and it ruins Thanksgiving, so yeah, Earl is wrong, case closed, dont need to read it to know that.
EARL IS RIGHT AND I WILL SAY IT LOUD, A MAN WHO SPLITS THE BILL FAIR IS A MAN WHO WONT LEAVE YOU HIGH AND DRY LATER, RAISED 10 GRANDKIDS ON THAT SAME PRINCIPLE AND NOT ONE OF THEM EVER WENT HUNGRY. God bless.
Well I read the whole thing twice and honestly both of them are wrong, Denise for even writing in and this ice sculpture man for bringing up 1997 like it means anything now. My daughter in laws brother works for the county in some kind of finance department and he says splitting a beach trip fifty fifty is actually MORE fair legally, so there. I seem to be the only one in this comment section using common sense, God bless.
Nana_of_9 I hear you but can we talk about something real for a second, I fed my starter this morning (her name is Carol, after my mother in law, long story) and she DOUBLED in four hours which never happens, I think its the humidity. Anyway yes Gerald sounds like a whole situation and that beach trip is not gonna end well either, just a feeling I have.
Not touching the starter debate but if anyone wants ACTUAL clarity my cohost and I break stuff like this down every Thursday on Two Guys One Shed, no link just look it up in your heart.