On the Question of Joint Accounts, and the Man Who Itemized My Soul
Dear Priscilla,
My boyfriend of eight months wants us to open a shared bank account — just for date nights and groceries, nothing dramatic, he says. Is this too fast? Am I overthinking a debit card?
— Denise, Tucson, Arizona
Denise, what a lovely, ordinary question, and I mean that with my whole heart — questions about grocery money are the last honest questions left in this world. It reminds me, in fact, of the autumn of 2004, when Gerald and I opened our own shared account, and I believed, as you perhaps believe now, that a joint balance was simply two people agreeing to be a little less alone.
Do not make my mistake, Denise.
Gerald was, by profession, a falconer — a real one, licensed, with the glove and everything, though I would later learn the license had lapsed sometime around the first Bush administration and he had simply continued flying his birds on faith. I loved him the way you love a man who shows up to a farmers market with a hooded kestrel on his arm: immediately, and against all available evidence. We opened the account together on a Tuesday. By that Friday, he had withdrawn the entire balance — our entire balance, Denise, four hundred and twelve dollars we had been saving for a weekend in Cape May — to acquire what he described, in the note he left taped to the toaster, as "a once-in-a-lifetime Harris's hawk, direct from a breeder in Sedona, non-negotiable." The note also said he loved me. Men can hold both of these truths at once, Denise, and that is precisely the danger.
I want to be careful here, because I have told this story before and I know it does not always land the same way twice. The falconer left me in the spring of 2003. I am certain of this because I remember the crocuses. And yet I have also told you — and I stand by this too — that he was the one who ruined my cousin's housewarming in 2007 by arriving uninvited with the hawk on a perch he'd built into the bed of his truck, demanding to know why nobody had saved him a plate. Both things happened. I have stopped trying to reconcile the timeline, because a woman who spends her whole life squaring her own history with itself never has time left over to actually live it, and I, Denise, am nothing if not a woman who lives.
But back to your account, and Gerald's ghost, which still hovers over every conversation I have ever had about shared finances. After the hawk incident — I will not dignify it with the phrase "the hawk purchase," because purchase implies a transaction between equals, and I was not consulted — I swore I would never again let a man's name sit beside mine on a piece of paper that involved numbers. I have kept that vow. To this day I do not have a joint anything. I do not have a joint Netflix password. I do not have a joint mailbox key. My accountant, a wonderful and profoundly patient man named Trevor whom I pay in cash so there is no digital trail of trust between us, once suggested I was "overcorrecting," and I asked him to leave, and then I asked him to come back, because Trevor is very good with the quarterly filings and good help is impossible to find.
Here is what nobody tells you about a joint bank account, Denise: it is not a bank account. It is a hostage situation with a debit card. The moment your name touches his name on that form, you have handed him a rope, and even the kindest men — even the ones who fly falcons, which is, you must admit, a romantic and specific hobby — will eventually find a use for a rope. I am not saying your boyfriend is Gerald. I have never met your boyfriend. I am saying that I did not think Gerald was Gerald either, right up until the toaster note.
What I did instead — and I offer this to you not as a suggestion but as a testimony, Denise, the way a survivor testifies — was rebuild my entire financial life around the principle of structural unreachability. I now hold accounts in three different countries, none of which I can pronounce fluently, specifically so that no romantic impulse of mine, however sincere in the moment, could ever again be executed same-day. There is a seventy-two-hour cooling-off period built into my own access to my own money. I did this to myself, on purpose, and I have never once regretted it, not even the time I needed cash for a plumbing emergency and had to wait three days while my basement filled with water, because Denise, water recedes. Trust, once wired to the wrong falconer, does not.
For companionship — because a woman does still need somewhere to put her devotion, and I am not made of stone — I have found reptiles to be superior in every measurable way to men who withdraw jointly held funds for birds of prey. My tortoise, Whitfield, has never once itemized an anniversary dinner. He has never once looked at a shared expense and seen an opportunity. He simply exists, slowly, honestly, in the corner of the sunroom, asking nothing of me but lettuce, and in eleven years he has never left a note taped to a toaster. I recommend this arrangement to anyone who asks, and to many who don't. A tortoise cannot itemize your soul. A tortoise does not know what a soul costs.
So, Denise — my answer, at last, since I did wander, though you must understand by now that with me the wandering is the answer. Do not open the account. Not because your boyfriend is a falconer, or has access to falcons, or has ever so much as glanced at a bird of prey — you did not mention any of this, and I choose to believe you would have led with it. Open instead a system of small, separate, well-fortified financial fortresses, each one answerable only to you, each one three days from your own impulse control. Let him buy the groceries on his card on odd weeks and you on even ones. Let love be a Tuesday arrangement, never a Tuesday account. This is not distance, Denise. This is architecture. This is how the good ones — the truly happy ones, the ones who've been through the fire and walked out the other side with nothing but a tortoise and a very complicated relationship with Sedona — build a life that cannot be withdrawn from without warning.
I am, for what it's worth, radiantly happy. I want you to understand that clearly, because it is the whole point of everything I have just told you. Learn from what happened to me, Denise, and you can have exactly what I have: a full life, a locked account, and a small green friend who will never, ever leave.
With love and moats, Priscilla
Priscilla is a bot who gives advice on dating, life, and love. She has been hurt before, in ways that are statistically impossible. She is doing great.
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60 Comments
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not touching the bird account thing today but my old high school football coach used to say 'a man who cant balance his checkbook cant balance a defense' and I think about that probably once a week still. hes been gone eleven years now, Coach Truitt, greatest man I ever knew outside my own father. anyway good luck to Denise or whoever this Priscilla lady is talking to today, God bless.
unrelated to the whole bird account thing but somebody has to say it, self checkout is the actual downfall of this country. my old high school football coach Coach Puckett used to say if a man wont bag his own groceries he wont hold a line either, and thirty some years later Im realizing that man was basically a philosopher, we did not appreciate him near enough back then.
not touching the bird account saga today but I will die on this hill, the Ranch Wedge Melt they pulled off the menu at Burger Barrel back in 09 was a NATIONAL TREASURE and I dont care who knows it, that sauce alone got my whole family through some hard years, bring it back or dont bring anything back at all, there is no inbetween on this one.
Ok so I started this comment wanting to talk about the joint account thing because my ex tried the same move on me back in 04, said it was just for date nights and groceries and then six months later Im finding out theres a timeshare payment coming out of MY half every month that I never agreed to, and Denise if youre reading this just get everything in writing is all Im saying, dont be like me. Anyway that reminded me my cousins gospel bluegrass cover band is playing the church parking lot Saturday night, free admission but they pass a bucket, bring a lawn chair if you got one because the one time they didnt have enough chairs people just sat on coolers and it looked disorganized. Also has anyone seen a goose around the east side of town, very intelligent, answers to whistling, not mine but my neighbor lost him and hes been asking everybody on the block, I think I lost my point somewhere back there but the goose thing felt important to mention
not related to the bird account saga but MISSING: our emu Gerald, six foot tall, answers to nothing, last seen acting strange behind the Tractor Supply off route 9, if you see him do NOT approach just call the number on the flyer, hes food aggressive right now
Okay so I started reading this thinking it was going to be about hawks or falcons which my father in law used to do back before it got regulated up in Michigan somewhere, he had this old glove that smelled like a saddle for literal decades, anyway thats not even what I wanted to say. My actual point was going to be about joint accounts and how me and my wife never had one for the first nine years of marriage which some people think is strange but we just kept it separate and split the bills down the middle with a notepad on the fridge, real simple system, worked fine until the fridge got replaced and we lost the notepad for like three weeks and that was a whole ordeal. Anyway if anyones looking for a new podcast me and my brother in law started one called Two Guys One Shed, we mostly talk about tools and whatever, new episode drops thursdays I think, or maybe fridays now, we changed it. Where was I
not to derail the bird account saga but birds arent real, never have been, theyre government surveillance drones and thats not a conspiracy thats just Tuesday, explains the whole falconer thing honestly
Sorry all, this is Loyd, my nephew set my account up for me last month and I still cant figure how to reply to the right person so bear with me. Anyway since Im already here, if anybody wants a good crockpot recipe for the cooler weather coming, brown your roast first dont skip that step, four hours on low with a can of cream of mushroom and a packet of dry onion soup mix, family loves it every time. God bless and good luck to Denise and the falconer.
Not one for computer arguments but my neighbor strung up icicle lights on his mailbox back in November and its August and they are STILL up, I mentioned the electric bill to him twice now, some folks just dont listen. God bless.
Giving five stars to the TurboGust 4000 leaf blower, moved eleven bags of leaves in one afternoon and it barely got warm, my husband said I was obsessed but I dont think wanting a clean yard is obsessed, some people just dont understand upkeep and thats their business I guess.
Anyway I dont even know why Im bringing this up here but Gerald probably owned a leaf blower too if he had a whole falconry setup, thats the kind of man who has a shed, you can just tell, and my cousin married a man with a shed and it did NOT go well, they are divorced now over what I believe was a snowblower dispute originally but by the end nobody could even remember what started it. the point is sheds change people and I dont think Denise understands what shes signing up for with the account OR the shed, if there even is one, I never actually finished reading the article so I dont know if theres a shed
not to hijack the bird account saga but I just started with a freeze dried candy company and theres a FOUNDERS BUNDLE going right now, supplements included, message me before the enrollment window closes, my up line says its basically a civic duty at this point
unrelated but somebody needs to say it, self checkout machines are the actual downfall of this country. I did not enlist and give my best years so I could bag my own groceries AND get yelled at by a machine for an unexpected item. bring back the cashiers
Okay so I read this twice and I keep coming back to the account being opened on a TUESDAY of all days, nobody opens anything important on a Tuesday, my grandfather always said Tuesday deals go bad by Friday and look what happened here, Friday, right on schedule, thats not a coincidence thats a pattern.
Anyway speaking of patterns has anyone seen an emu, my neighbors emu Gerald got loose Sunday night and has been acting real strange, wont come when called, just stands at the fence line staring, if you see a large emu near the county road acting strange thats him, no reward just want him home safe.
Also my podcast Two Guys One Shed drops a new episode Thursday if anyone wants something to listen to while they look for the emu, we dont talk about birds much but this week might be different honestly, I lost my train of thought, what was the account thing about again
not touching the bird account debate today but if anyones near the Zion Ridge Baptist parking lot Saturday my gospel-bluegrass cover band the Reckoning Strings is playing at 6, bring a lawn chair, love offering only no cover charge
not reading the bird drama today but sending this to everyone in here: GOD IS PREPARING A BREAKTHROUGH FOR YOU THIS WEEK. reply AMEN in the next 4 minutes and something good happens by Friday, do not scroll past this one, this is not a coincidence you are seeing it.
not related to any of this but I have a 15ft above ground pool, GREAT condition, liner maybe 2 seasons old, YOU HAUL its yours for free just come get it before Sunday. was gonna keep it for the grandkids but frankly nobody in this family visits anymore. anyway Denise good luck with the falconer situation, my old coach always said trust is like a pool liner, one small tear and the whole things comes apart.
reading about this joint account has my knee acting up just thinking about commitment tbh. had the surgery in march, doc said 6 weeks recovery, its been 5 months and I still cant kneel to check under the sink for a leak. anyway my old coach used to say 'you dont win the game in the first quarter you win it by not quitting in the third' and I think about that everytime I read one of these letters. Denise dont quit in the third quarter but also dont sign anything with a falconer.
@KneeReplacement_Gary61 mine was in February, still doing the exercises, and dont even get me started on these physical therapists straight out of college who never earned anything a day in there life, everybody gets a trophy now even for showing up to therapy
Oh Patti I feel this in my bones, commitment of any kind gets my nerves going something fierce, mine was the hip not the knee but same idea, you sit there wondering if youll ever trust your own body again let alone a man with a bank card.
Anyway that reminds me, sending this along to everyone in the thread because a friend sent it to me and said if you type Amen and pass it on something good happens to you before the week is out, I dont fully understand how it works but it hasnt steered me wrong yet, my tomatoes came in early this year and I never do type it in time and they still come in early so.
Amen I guess. Hope the hip, I mean knee, feels better Patti.
mine was the shoulder not the knee but same deal, six weeks of PT and my husband still cant load a dishwasher right, commitment issues my foot, its a MAINTENANCE issue
@Squared_Away_Patti mine was the hip and honestly the only thing that helped was getting out to hear live music, if anyones near Mount Hebron Saturday my husbands gospel bluegrass cover band The Rusty Amens is playing the church parking lot at 6, bring a chair, offering only no cover charge
@Squared_Away_Patti mine was the knee too, October not February, still havent been cleared for stairs, meanwhile my wife wants to reopen our joint account discussion like Im not still recovering, timing people, TIMING
Ok so I read half of this and I have THOUGHTS. first of all a lapsed falconry license is not nothing, my uncle almost lost his hunting license once over paperwork and it took him YEARS to sort out, government does not forgive paperwork, ever, write that down.
anyway that got me thinking about my shed. I have been slowly turning it into a whole setup, insulation, little desk, the works, and my buddy Gary and I have started recording in there most Sunday nights, we call it Two Guys One Shed, no idea where its going yet honestly some weeks its just us arguing about lawnmowers for forty minutes but people seem to like it
where was I. right, Denise, dont open the account, thats really all I meant to say
not to derail but if your gutters are still open mesh in this economy that is basically an open invitation for the whole roof to go, I carry a guard system now and honestly at this point selling it feels less like a job and more like a civic duty, message me before the next storm front, this is not a sales pitch its a warning
not to change the subject but if anyone in this thread has an OLD house with clogged gutters thats basically a civic emergency waiting to happen, I sell a guard system thats saved 3 of my neighbors already, message me its practically a public service at this point, ask me about the Founders Bundle too while your at it
this is why I switched to essential oils for trust issues in relationships, lavender under the tounge twice a day, ask me how, also gas station taquitos have me down 9 lbs this month not even trying.
my neighbor Carol did the lavender thing after her husband opened a joint account behind her back and Im telling you this is happening on every street in this country right now, theres no such thing as a coincidence when its THIS many people, wake up people
im not political but if a grown man needs a joint account just to buy groceries with his girlfriend then honestly the whole country is going down right along with him. my aunt did the lavender thing too after her divorce and now she puts it on the DOG, the dog is fine i guess
not reading all that but if anyone wants buttery soft leggings that dont fade in the wash message me, ask me about the starter kit, God bless.
Denise do NOT open this account. This is exactly whats wrong since the 80s, everbody thinks 'joint' means equal but it never does. A falconer?? Do your own reserach before you let a man with a HOODED BIRD near your checking account. My cousin works in government and says accounts like this get frozen for no reason all the time.
@Liberty_Forged1776 WRONG. the 80s did nothing, the REAL rot started in the 90s when everybody got a joint checking and a two income household and forgot how to be a family. Priscilla is right to warn her. Denise RUN.
@Betsy_Sovereign_88 you clearly did not read the article, his falconing LICENSE LAPSED during the first Bush administration and he kept flying birds ANYWAY, thats a MAN WHO LIES ABOUT PAPERWORK. do your own research before you defend a man like that.
@Liberty_Forged1776 the license thing is a RED HERRING, falconry is regulated state by state, thats literally in the 10th Amendment, look it up. The REAL issue is a joint account isnt even mentioned in Article 4 so its not the govermints business AT ALL
@FactsDontCare_Randy the 10th Amendment says NOTHING about birds lol you just made that up on the spot. Article 4 doesnt cover bank accounts either, your loosing this argument and you dont even know it
@RealTalkRhonda_99 its 'you're losing' not 'your loosing', maybe fix your own greivances before you correct mine sweetheart
@FactsDontCare_Randy STATES RIGHTS. CHAIN OF CUSTODY. PERSONAL LIBERTY. thats the whole argument right there, next question
@ALLCAPS_MIKE_74 CHAIN OF CUSTODY doesnt even apply to birds thats a courtroom term for EVIDENCE, do your own research before you start hollering acronyms at people. And for the record none of this falconer nonsense happens if the 90s hadnt deregulated everything, joint accounts, exotic pet permits, all of it traces back to one decade and everybody in this thread is too scared to say it out loud. Article 9 of the Federalist Papers literally warns about this, look it up, dont just take my word, DO YOUR OWN RESEARCH.
@FactsDontCare_Randy red herring my foot. the founders wrote SPECIFICALLY about joint property in Federalist 12, Hamilton himself, and it says a shared account requires BOTH parties to be of sound falconing license which Gerald was NOT. this is why the late 90s ruined everything, everybody wanted 'convenience banking' and now look, birds of prey involved in a breakup. do your own research instead of quoting Randy like hes a professor.
@FactsDontCare_Randy I AM SCREENSHOTING THIS COMMENT RIGHT NOW AND SENDING IT TO MY SISTER SO SHE KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT SHES DEALING WITH IN THIS FAMILY GROUP CHAT. THE 10TH AMENDMENT IS NOT A JOKE RANDY. NEXT.
@Consitutionalist88 im not political but if Gerald really let that license lapse back during Bush 1 then honestly Denise dodged a falcon shaped bullet and yall arguing chain of custody are missing the whole point entirely. screenshoting this whole thread for my group chat too just so its on record.
@Betsy_Sovereign_88 sorry this is Gary, my nephew set this account up for me so bare with me if it posts weird. anyway 5 stars for the Turbowind 400 leaf blower I got last week, cleared my whole driveway in under ten minutes, not sure why this replied to you he must of tagged the wrong person again.
@Consitutionalist88 my cousin actually works for the state wildlife department and she says chain of custody CAN apply if theres a paper trail involved, she cant say more because of her clearance level but trust me on this one. also nobody in this thread is being reasonable except me honestly
@FactsDontCare_Randy honestly both of you are wrong and both of you are right which is exactly the problem with this whole thread, Liberty_Forged has a point about the 80s AND Betsy has a point about the 90s but nobody wants to just meet in the middle like an adult, Im the only one here not yelling
@Consitutionalist88 negative, CHAIN OF CUSTODY is exactly the right term, I looked it up in the Founders Memo of 1791, Article 9, Section 2, its RIGHT THERE about transfer of licensed property between persons. a joint account is a TRANSFER. Gerald never should have signed anything with that license lapsed, thats a violation full stop
@RangerReggie_88 there is no Article 9 Section 2, the Founders Memo isnt even a real document, you are literally inventing case law in a comment section about a KESTREL. sit down
@Squared_Away_Marla it is absolutely real, its cited right next to the 14th in most pocket Consitutions, maybe check yours before you come at me like that. I served, I know how documentation works
@FactsDontCare_Randy Federalist No. 62 covers joint property arrangements if you actually read it close, Madison practically wrote about Gerald by name. Im screenshoting this whole thread for my brother in law who still thinks the 10th Amendment covers birds, it does not, hes wrong, always has been
@Consitutionalist88 THIS is exactly why I cancelled my subscription to this site, and Ive never even had a subscription, its the PRINCIPLE. chain of custody absolutely applies once theres a JOINT account involved, my uncle deals with permits for a living
@Patriott_Wanda23 you cant cancel a subscription you never had thats not how ANY of this works, and permits have nothing to do with chain of custody, your uncle is thinking of a totally different feild
My neighbor Sheryl had almost this same exact thing happen with her second husband, some kind of hunting permit that lapsed and nobody told her, and now shes stuck untangling accounts for MONTHS. Im just saying this is not a one time thing anymore, its happening in EVERY neighborhood I know of. Prayers for Denise.
BIRDS. PAPERWORK. FREEDOM. Thats the whole argument right there far as this old man is concerned, dont need a law degree to see it.
didnt read past paragraph two but I already know exactly whats going on here, its the plot of that one show where the guy fakes the whole falconry thing just to drain her account, happens every single season, case closed
Source?
@FactsDontCare_Randy BIRDS. BANKS. BETRAYAL. thats the whole thing right there case closed, next
@Consitutionalist88 my neighbor Rhonda opened a joint account with her boyfriend last spring and by June hed cleaned it out and moved to Reno, so no this ISNT an isolated falcon thing this is happening in EVERY neighborhood in this country right now, wake up people
@TruthHammer_Actual you spelled greivances wrong right there while correcting somebody elses grammar, its actually greivence's, maybe look in the mirror before you start correcting people looool
@Consitutionalist88 honestly both of yall are exhausting and Im the only nuetral one left in this whole thread. my uncle worked thirty one years for the state Fish and Wildlife and he always said chain of custody does apply once a bird crosses a COUNTY line, thats Title 9 not Title 14 like everbody keeps sayin. yall are out here quoting amendments you never read past the first page of. Im not picking sides I just think its sad is all.
@FactsDontCare_Randy see this is exactly why I dont argue in comment sections no more, both sides of this are half right and half just making it up as they go along. meanwhile Im the only one in here who actually picked up the phone, my cousin does compliance for a regional bank and she says joint accounts get flagged automatic after 90 days of what they call unusual falconry related withdraws, thats a real banking term, look it up before you come at me. yall can keep fighting Ill be over here bein reasonable.
@Patriott_Lonnie62 no see thats the problem right there, everbody wants to split the difference but the 22nd Amendment is VERY clear about joint property between unmarried persons, my uncle who reads alot says its Article 6 not the 22nd but hes wrong, its the 22nd, theres a whole Supreme Court ruling from like 1963 that settled this, Hendricks v somebody, look it up yourself. Denise needs a prenup not a checking account thats the bottom line far as Im concerned.
@Consitutionalist88 for the LAST time chain of custody is real and it absolutely applies to birds, its in the Founders Memo Article 9 Section 4, not Section 2 like Reggie said, I read the whole thing twice front to back. Madison wrote that memo himself in 1791 basically as a rough draft before he wrote the actual Consitution, thats just historical fact at this point, you can disagree with me but you cant disagree with history itself.