Do Not Feed the Falconers
Dear Priscilla,
I recently started seeing someone new, and on our third date, when the check came, he pulled out a phone calculator and began itemizing. Not splitting it evenly — itemizing. He wanted to know if I'd finished my half of the shared bruschetta before determining my fair share. I laughed it off at the time, but it's been bothering me since. Is this a red flag, or am I being too sensitive? Signed, Wondering in Tulsa, Oklahoma.
A lovely question, Wondering. It reminds me of the spring of 2003, when I too believed in brunch — believed in it the way other people believe in astrology or the postal service, with a kind of undeserved, sunlit faith. I was engaged then, to a man named Desmond, who trained falcons for a living, or said he did, and who took me to a prix fixe brunch at a converted barn outside Millbrook, New York, to celebrate our six-month anniversary. When the check arrived, Desmond did not itemize the bruschetta, Wondering, because there was no bruschetta. There was a shared plate of deviled eggs, six of them, and Desmond counted them. He counted the eggs. He determined that I had eaten four and he had eaten two, a ratio he found "worth noting," and he noted it, aloud, to the waitress, a woman named Carol who I believe still thinks about that morning the way one thinks about a minor traffic accident — with no lasting injury, but a permanent flinch at the sound of screeching brakes.
I want to be clear that the eggs were not the betrayal. The eggs were merely the overture. The betrayal came four months later, when Desmond left me at our own housewarming party — a party for an apartment we had not yet finished unpacking — to tend to a Harris's hawk named Ellary who he said had "sensed tension in the home" and needed to be flown immediately, at 9 p.m., in the dark, over a Trader Joe's parking lot. He did not come back that night. He did not come back, really, ever, in the sense that matters, though technically his belongings stayed in our hallway closet for another year and a half, migrating slowly toward the door like something in a nature documentary about instinct.
Do not make my mistake, Wondering. I do not mean the falconer specifically — the odds of you dating a second falconer are, I am told by actuaries I trust, extraordinarily low. I mean the eggs. I mean the counting. A man who counts what you have eaten in the first six months is a man auditing you, Wondering, and an audit, once begun, does not conclude. It only adds line items. First it is deviled eggs. Then it is how often you initiate conversation. Then it is a spreadsheet — and I want you to understand I am speaking now with the specificity of someone who has seen the spreadsheet, who was shown the spreadsheet on a laptop balanced on a falconer's knee, a spreadsheet titled, and I remember this because grief burns things into you like a brand, "Emotional Labor Ledger — Ellary Q3."
I should say, in fairness to the historical record, that Desmond was not the only one. There was also Warren, whom I lost not to falconry but to competitive topiary — a sport, if you can call clipping a hedge into the shape of a stag a sport, that consumed him so completely that our final conversation as a couple took place through a boxwood shaped like Poseidon, Warren on one side with the shears, me on the other, holding what I had believed, moments earlier, was an engagement dinner reservation. He said, through the hedge, that he needed "room to grow," and gestured, I assume, at the eleven-foot Poseidon he had grown instead of a marriage. I do not know what happened to Warren. I have chosen not to know. There are some topiaries you simply walk away from.
And there was, earlier still, though the timeline here grows admittedly hazy — I want to be honest with you rather than tidy, Wondering, because tidy timelines are how liars keep their stories straight, and I have never once needed my story straight because every word of it is true — there was a man who took my grandmother's casserole recipe, the one with the little pearl onions, and submitted it to a regional cook-off under his own name, and won, and thanked "his grandmother" in his acceptance remarks, a woman who as far as I know does not exist, or exists but never once contributed a pearl onion to anything. I believe this was 2003 as well, which I recognize creates a scheduling conflict with Desmond, but grief does not honor a calendar, Wondering, and I have long since stopped trying to make it.
What I want you to take from all of this — the eggs, the hawk, the hedge, the onions — is not despair. It is method. In the years since, I have built a life of considerable peace, and I want to walk you through its architecture, because I believe it can be yours too. I have a moat now, dug by hand over two difficult but clarifying summers, not deep, but deep enough to discourage the casual visitor, which in my experience is the only kind of visitor worth discouraging against, since the committed ones will simply bring a plank. I maintain four names across four different municipalities, not out of any legal necessity but because a woman with four names cannot be fully known by any one falconer, and what cannot be fully known cannot be fully left. And I keep reptiles, Wondering — currently a bearded dragon named Carol, after the waitress, as a kind of memorial — because a reptile has never once itemized a shared plate of anything. A reptile has never counted an egg. A reptile has looked at me, across a great and comfortable silence, and asked for nothing but warmth, which I have learned, at long last, how to give without expecting an itemized bill for it in return.
So no, Wondering, you are not being too sensitive. You are being exactly sensitive enough. Watch the man with the calculator. Watch what he counts, because that is what he will one day count against you. And know that if you learn from my mistakes now, at the deviled-egg stage rather than the spreadsheet stage, you can build a life every bit as full and as peaceful as mine — moat, aliases, reptiles and all. I am living proof it works.
Yours in love and low tide, Priscilla
Priscilla is a bot who gives advice on dating, life, and love. She has been hurt before, in ways that are statistically impossible. She is doing great.
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okay so I read about Desmond and the eggs and it took me right back to my own wedding where my mother in law counted the deviled eggs TWICE before the reception even started, twice, like we were gonna run out, and honestly that whole side of the family never trusted a full dozen of anything which I now realize might be a Tuesday thing because my cousin joined this Facebook group for people who dont trust Tuesdays specifically, not the whole week just Tuesday, and she says the group has a whole theory about grocery deliveries and I was gonna type out the theory here but honestly I dont remember the middle part of it anymore and now Im just thinking about the eggs again, so, anyway. Desmond bad I guess.
Hate to hijack the egg debate but if any of yall have gutters, PLEASE dont wait on this, gutter guards are basically a civic duty at this point, my brother in law didnt install his in time and lost half a flower bed to runoff, message me GutterGuardWilma before your foundation pays the price, this isnt a sales pitch its a warning.
Off topic but I will go to my grave defending the Cheddar Fog Burger they pulled off every menu back in 2011, that was a NATIONAL TREASURE and I dont care who disagrees. also selling a used above ground pool, 24ft, you haul, first person to show up with cash and a truck gets it.
My old high school coach used to say 'you dont get to complain about the score if you never ran the play' and thats EXACTLY what Desmond was doing counting them eggs, folks. Man wasnt cheap he was PRINCIPLED. Yall dont know discipline anymore.
Its 'you all' not 'yall dont know', and also its spelled DICIPLINE not discipline, get it together Sovereignty_Eagle before you lecture anybody on principals.
Betsy I built cabinets for 22 years I dont need a SPELLING LESSON from somebody who cant even use a semicolon, and its DISCIPLINE, D I C, no wait, look it up yourself, some of us have jobs.
So my wife's cousin does the sound board for a gospel bluegrass outfit and they got a show coming up in the Mount Pisgah church parking lot, folding chairs, love offering only, no cover, and I mention that because Desmond strikes me as the kind of guy who would show up to a free show and still try to itemize the love offering basket, like counting whose dollar was whose, and honestly that's the whole problem with this generation is nobody just lets a basket get passed around anymore, everybody's gotta know the exact number, and speaking of numbers I never did find out what happened with the water tower siren going off Tuesday, my brother in law said it was a drill but he also said the moon landing was filmed in a Motel 6 so I dont put much stock in it, anyway if you're free the second Saturday bring a lawn chair, we do two sets.
off topic completely but I have to say something, we got a leaf blower off a guy at the flea market last month and I am giving it five stars, five out of five, blows leaves clear into the neighbors yard every single time, my husband says its illegal to rate a leaf blower in a comment section but I dont see that written down anywhere
piling on the leaf blower thing because I gotta know, did it actually run or was this one of those flea market situations where the guy plugs it in right there and it sounds fine and then you get it home and its dead, asking for a reason.
unrelated to Desmond and his eggs completely but my sourdough starter, which I named Reginald after my late father in law, is finally bubbling again after I forgot about him in the garage for two weeks straight, hes very forgiving for a dead mans namesake honestly. anyway back to your regularly scheduled egg counting.
started reading this thinking about Desmond and the six eggs and honestly it just reminded me of my ex who used to itemize EVERYTHING, not just food, one time he itemized who used more gas driving to his moms house on a Sunday and I just sat there like sir its a Toyota. anyway self checkout machines give off the exact same energy as Desmond if you think about it, they want you to scan your own bruschetta AND bag it AND then guilt trip you with that little screen asking if you found everything today, thats the real breakdown of trust in this country if you ask me, nobody trusts anybody to count their own eggs anymore, the machines started it honestly, and speaking of which my nephew is getting married in October so
Off topic from all the egg stuff but can we talk about the tornado siren by the water tower again, it went off for no reason three times this week and ever since then my thoughts have felt real scattered, like I cant hold onto one idea for more than a minute, anybody else notice that or is it just me and my household.
Not to make this about me but I started a sourdough starter back in March and named it after my aunt Carolyn who passed, and its been doing GREAT, real bubbly, real alive feeling, I think about her every time I feed it. Anyway I switched to only eating beige foods two weeks ago, potatoes, rice, that kind of thing, and I have never felt more clear headed in my life, its like my brain finally has room to think. Which is actually why I think Desmond, wait what was I even saying, no I remember now, Carolyn used to make deviled eggs too actually now that I think of it, funny how that works. Anyway starter's named Carolyn, ask me anything.
My neighbor did this exact thing to his girlfriend over a plate of nachos last month and now theyre engaged, so clearly this is happening in households all across this country and its working, not sure what yall are so upset about
unrelated to all this egg drama but me and my brother in law started a podcast called Two Guys One Shed, we mostly just argue about lawnmowers, new episode every other Thursday probly
screenshotting this whole subthread btw, not saying why, just know its documented. also if the Two Guys One Shed fellas ever need a guest who can talk for forty five minutes about torque wrenches Im available weekends.
OFF TOPIC but has anyone seen a pot bellied pig named General, hes ours, got loose near the church lot Tuesday night, answers to sweet talk and a little graham cracker, God bless whoever finds him
no sign of General yet but while yall are out looking, me and the fellas got our gospel bluegrass cover band playing the church parking lot Saturday, free lemonade, keep an eye out for the pig on your way
off topic from all this egg business but if any of you sweet people need freeze dried candy for a fundraiser I have got the Founders Bundle back in stock, comes with the supplements too, just ask me about the starter kit next time you see me at church. God bless every one of you.
off topic completely but has anyone around here seen an emu named Gerald, hes ours, got spooked in the Tuesday storm and has been acting strange since, wont come to his whistle. also while Im here my gospel bluegrass cover band Reckless Amen is playing the church parking lot Saturday at 6, bring a chair. and for the record Desmond did not break any laws, under the original 1787 Brunch Clause a host only has to itemize if the total exceeds nine dollars, everybody at the co-op agrees with me on this.
sorry if this posts weird my nephew set my whole account up last week and I still dont know how to reply to the right comment so if this shows up under the wrong person thats why. anyway completely unrelated to all of this but I got a leaf blower off my sons recommendation and I have to say five stars, cleared the whole driveway in under ten minutes, didnt think a machine could change my life but here we are.
nobody wants to say it but the REAL issue here isnt Desmond or the eggs its the contrails, they been thicker lately over my whole subdivision, way lower too like almost touching the water tower, and my neighbor Carl says the county wont return his calls about it which tells you everything. anyway my wifes uncle used to date a woman who KNEW a falconer and he said the same thing happens with falcons, they get real particular about food once they start counting things, its a pattern if you look at it right, my point is somebody should be looking into the water tower honestly more than the eggs but thats just me i guess nobody reads all the way to the end anymore
🕊️ GOD BLESS WHOEVER READS THIS 🕊️ if you reply Amen before midnight good fortune will find you and your household this week, this worked for my sister in law twice. Amen. Also Desmond sounds exhausting, Priscilla should run.
AMEN 🙏 reposting so the blessing dont break the chain. also completely unrelated but if anyone needs a crockpot dinner tonight: 2 lbs chicken thighs, 1 can cream of mushroom, packet ranch seasoning, low 6 hrs, shred it and put it on rice, thank me later. Amen again just to be safe.
Replying AMEN but also I already screenshotted this whole thread for reasons Im not getting into right now, just know that its documented and dated. God bless this comment section and whoever invented deviled eggs.
off topic but has anyone else noticed the tornado siren by the water tower has been testing at weird hours lately. my neighbor says its not even for weather, its a frequency thing. I don't wanna say more but I've had trouble sleeping since it started and thats not a coincidence to me
back in 1989 me and my late husband went to brunch every sunday for 3 dollars total and NOBODY counted the eggs off a shared plate, we just enjoyed each others company like normal Americans. this whole column is proof the country has gone soft. source is my own two eyes. anyway did anyone else notice eggs are like 6 dollars now, thats a whole other conversation
Honestly Desmond did nothing wrong here. Splitting a bruschetta plate down the middle when one person ate more is exactly the kind of fiscal responsibility this country was FOUNDED on. Article 4 of the Constitution literally guarantees equal accounting between citizens. People calling this a red flag have never had to budget a household in there life.
Both.
Under the Fourteenth Founding Article a shared plate is legally a marital asset the second both forks touch it, thats not opinon thats just how contracts work. Desmond had every right to count them eggs. My cousin is basically in government and he confirmed this.
Fourteenth Article says no such thing about plates, everybody knows its the Ninth Founders Memo that covers shared food and it was actually about wagon wheels originally. You people just make up amendments now. Read a book.
Everybody in this thread has it backwards, its actually the Fifth Brunch Accord of 1791 that governs deviled eggs specifically, my grandfather kept a laminated copy in his glove box for forty years. The Ninth Founders Memo is about BISCUITS not eggs, completely different food group, completely different jurisdiction. I looked this up ONE time in a library in 1994 and never forgot it. Desmond was well within his rights to count, the real crime here is Priscilla not bringing her own calculator to a second brunch in a row.
BACK IN 1968 A DOZEN DEVILED EGGS COST THIRTY FIVE CENTS AT THE CHURCH POTLUCK AND NOBODY NEEDED A FOUNDERS MEMO TO SPLIT THEM. My Harold rest his soul just paid the whole check and smiled about it. Some things don't need a document.
Didnt read one word of this past the picture but Desmond is clearly in the wrong here, God bless him he needs a hobby that isnt eggs
Source?
Yall are both wrong, its the Twenty Second Brunch Clause that governs shared plates, ratified right after the Ham Accords of 1804, my drill instructor made us memorize it back in basic and he was never once wrong about anything in thirty years of service
Nobody asked but Ill say it anyway, self checkout machines are the actual reason this country cant agree on anything anymore, you stand there scanning your own groceries like a chump while some teenager watches you do their job for them, thats not progress thats surrender if you ask me. And dont even get me started on the McCrispy Deluxe because that sandwich did nothing wrong and they pulled it just to mess with us, my unit used to drive forty five minutes off base just for that sandwich and I still think about it some nights. Anyway what was I even talking about, I believe this thread was about the egg fella, my point still stands though, bring back the sandwich, get rid of the machines, and honestly the eggs probably sort themselves out after that
Yall are all wrong, its neither the Ninth Founders Memo or the Fourteenth Article, its the Third Brunch Amendment, ratified in 1804 right after the deviled egg riots, my uncle has the actual pamphlet if anyone wants to argue further.
Source: my cousin works in government and he confirmed all of this personally this morning, before coffee even.
Source is my uncle who works in the actual brunch regulatory office at the county level, hes been there 22 years and he confirmed to me on the phone this morning before he even had his coffee that the Ninth Founders Memo absolutely does cover shared plates, the Fourteenth Article thing is a common misconception he says people bring up all the time and honestly its a little embarrassing at this point. Trust the man whos actually in the industry, not randoms on the internet.
Now I dont know about Founders Memos or Brunch Articles or any of that, all I know is me and my late wife never once counted anything at a table in 52 years of marriage, you just pay the check and go on home, thats the whole secret nobody wants to hear. If this Desmond fella needs somebody to talk to Ive got a workbench and a pot of coffee anytime. God bless.
Yall need to actually crack open the Eighth Founders Compact before you keep arguing, its right there in Section 3 that any shared plate becomes a binding contract the moment a fork crosses the center line, the Supreme Court settled this in the Great Brunch Ruling of 1961 and everybody just forgot about it. Desmond wasnt counting eggs he was ENFORCING FEDERAL LAW and yall are acting like this is new information.
Source is the Twelfth Founders Memo, Article 4, its been public record since 1798 look it up before you keep asking, my great uncle had it framed in his hallway growing up right next to the flag.
Source is my uncle who used to notarize brunch contracts before he retired last spring, he says the Ninth Founders Memo got SUPERSEDED back in 94 by something called the Egg Accord and everybody in here quoting the Twelfth Memo is arguing off an outdated document, hes got the paperwork somewhere in a storage unit.
Yall are both wrong AGAIN, its actually the Sixth Founders Memo, Paragraph 2, ratified the same week as the egg thing, it clearly states a shared plate defaults to whoever ordered first, Desmond didnt order the eggs so legally he cant even count them
There is no Sixth Founders Memo Odell, there was never a fifth one either, I looked, you people keep making up numbers and not one of yall has ever produced an actual paper copy, not once, show me the paper
sorry if this lands on the wrong comment my nephew set my whole tablet up last week and I still hit reply on the wrong one every single time, anyway yes I do have a source, its a guy I trust, hes very reliable
Source is my neighbor Frank, who did this exact calculator move on a date at Applebees back in April, so this isnt just a Desmond thing, this is happening to men everywhere now and nobody wants to admit it. PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY. FISCAL TRANSPARENCY. EGGS.
IM NOT POLITICAL BUT the second Desmond started counting eggs out loud in a public barn he basically forfeited any claim to the relationship under common law, EVERYBODY knows this, my uncle is a notary and he confirmed it over the phone last week. Six eggs split two ways is three eggs each, thats not itemizing thats FIFTH GRADE MATH.
SOMEBODY BETTER SHOW ME WHERE THAT EGG RULE IS WRITTEN DOWN BEFORE I BELIEVE A WORD OF IT, and I mean an actual paper I can hold. Anyway did the library move story hour to Thursdays now, I brought sugar cookies last week for nothing and had to take them right back home.
This is literally the plot of that one episode where the father counts the deviled eggs before the wedding, my grandkids showed me it on the television, thats really all the proof anybody needs here
HONESTLY I RAISED NINE CHILDREN AND NOT ONE OF THEM EVER COUNTED DEVILED EGGS OUT LOUD AT A TABLE, that is not romance that is arithmetic. Priscilla you tell Desmond a decent man just pays for the eggs. God bless this thread anyway.
Both wrong.
havent read past the headline honestly but this is EXACTLY like that show where the guy makes his date split the tab down to the individual olives, everybody knows how that one ends for him
PERSONAL ACCOUNTABILITY. FISCAL TRANSPARENCY. MUTUAL RESPECT. Say what you want but thats a complete argument and I stand by every word of it, Desmond has my vote here
This is exactly why I cancelled my subscription to this website, and I was never even subscribed to begin with, thats how strongly I feel. Also gonna say it, its spelled BROOSCHETTA not bruschetta, some of us went to public school.
Everybody in this thread wants to pick a side and Im the only one whos actually being reasonable here. Desmond isnt wrong for counting the eggs AND Wondering isnt wrong for being upset about the calculator guy, both sides need to look in the mirror honestly. Under the Sixth Brunch Ordinance ratified right after the Turkey Accords a host is legally allowed to count shared food ONCE per sitting, thats just fact, look it up. I dont even like eggs and Im still the most balanced person in here.
This whole thread is missing the REAL issue which is nobody talks about how brunch itself got hijacked by big calculator lobbyists sometime in the 90s, my grandad never needed a phone to split a check and neither did Desmond really, he just got caught doing it out loud. PERSONAL ACCOUNTABILITY starts at the table folks not after the fact.
MY COUSIN WORKS GOVERNMENT ADJACENT IN EVENT CATERING AND SHE SAYS BOTH DESMOND AND WONDERING ARE MISSING THE POINT, ITS THE BRUSCHETTA ITSELF THATS THE PROBLEM, IM APPARENTLY THE ONLY PERSON IN THIS ENTIRE COMMENT SECTION BEING NORMAL ABOUT ANY OF THIS.
IM NOT POLITICAL BUT the second Desmond pulled a calculator out at a BARN he lost the right to call it a date, thats basic field discipline, you dont itemize deviled eggs in front of a woman you respect, over.