Fourteen Weeks Is Not Too Soon (It Is Also Not Long Enough, Which Is a Different Problem)
Dear Priscilla,
I've been dating a wonderful man named Tom for about fourteen weeks now, and last night he asked if he could come to my book club meeting this Thursday. We're reading a novel about a lighthouse keeper. My book club has met every third Thursday for six years and we have never once brought a guest, not even Carol's husband, and Carol's husband built the deck we meet on. I like Tom. I don't know if I like him enough to explain him to eleven women who have strong opinions about symbolism. Is fourteen weeks too soon to bring a man to book club? Or am I overthinking a lighthouse?
— Dana, Erie, Pennsylvania
A lovely question, Dana. It reminds me of the autumn of 2004, when I too believed a man could simply be folded into an existing arrangement, like a lawn chair, and nothing would need to be rebuilt from the studs up.
His name was Desmond, and he was, by profession, a falconer. I want to be clear that I did not seek out a falconer. Nobody sets out looking for a man with a bird on his arm and calls it a green flag. It happens to you the way weather happens to you. We had been together eleven months — though some nights, when I run the timeline properly, I get closer to two years, and I have stopped trying to reconcile the two, because the truth, Dana, is a shoreline, and shorelines move — when Desmond asked if he could come to my Tuesday needlepoint circle. Six women. A card table. A shared electric kettle we'd had appraised. I said yes, because I too once thought fourteen weeks, or eleven months, or however long it had actually been, was long enough to know a man's character.
Do not make my mistake, Dana.
Desmond arrived at needlepoint with his hawk. Not a metaphorical hawk. An actual Harris's hawk named Ferdinand, on his glove, at a card table, in Ruth's sunroom, where we had a strict no-outerwear-on-the-good-cushions policy. He did not ask. He simply stood in the doorway with a bird the size of a Thanksgiving turkey and said, "He gets anxious when we're apart," as though Ferdinand were a toddler and not a creature with the legal right, under federal law, to disembowel a pigeon on sight. Ruth's needlepoint depicted a barn. It had taken her four months. Ferdinand looked at that barn the way I now understand predators look at anything smaller than themselves, which is to say: as a plan. I want to spare you the specifics of what happened to the barn, Dana, and to the yarn, and to Carol's mother's antique thimble collection, which Ferdinand did not eat but did, with tremendous and I believe personal contempt, scatter across four square feet of sunroom. I will say only that needlepoint, as an institution, did not survive the season. We tried to reconvene in November. Nobody came. Ruth moved to Delaware.
The lesson I extracted from this, and the lesson I now hand to you free of charge, the way you'd hand someone a life vest before they realize the boat is already going down, is this: it was never about the hawk. Desmond thought that because I had let him into my apartment, my bed, my Sunday crossword ritual, I had therefore consented to let him into everything, all at once, no vestibule, no waiting room, straight into the sanctum. And I let him, Dana, because I confused fourteen weeks — or eleven months, the number is not the point, the point is the shape of the mistake — with permission. A relationship is not a hallway that opens into every other room in the house. Some rooms you keep the door shut on for years. I kept the needlepoint room shut for exactly as long as it took Ruth to move to Delaware, which, again, was not very long at all.
You will notice I have not asked you a single question about Tom's character, Dana, and that is deliberate, because character is never the issue. The issue is architecture. Book club is a room in your house. Tom, at fourteen weeks, is a very pleasant guest standing politely in your front hallway, admiring your coat rack. The correct move is not to decide whether he is trustworthy. The correct move is to recognize that trust is not actually the currency at stake — access is. And access, once granted, does not un-grant itself. I did not learn this from Desmond alone, I should say — I want to be fair to the full catalog — I also learned a version of it from Harold, who in the spring of 2003 asked to come to my sister's baby shower and left having convinced my sister's mother-in-law to invest in a topiary franchise that does not, to this day, exist. Harold and Desmond never met. I sometimes forget that. I have, on occasion, given Harold the hawk in the telling, and Desmond the topiary, and I've decided this doesn't matter, because the moral holds steady even when the men blur, the way a lighthouse holds steady even when the ships that keep almost wrecking on it change names every few years.
So here is what I did, Dana, in the years since, and here is what I recommend, warmly, as someone who has built a life of real and durable peace: I stopped introducing men to rooms. All rooms. I moved to a house with a moat — modest, more of a wide decorative ditch, but it does the structural work of a moat, which is to say it announces, before anyone gets close enough to ask, that certain crossings require more than affection to complete. I keep three names in rotation for anyone I meet casually, not out of dishonesty but out of architecture, the same principle as the moat, just portable. And I have found, since retiring needlepoint, crosswords, and Tuesday attendance generally, a great deal of company in my two tortoises, Gerald and also Gerald, who ask for nothing, reveal nothing, and have never once, in nine years, brought an unannounced bird into a room I loved.
I am not telling you to get a moat, Dana. I am telling you that I have one, and that I am, by any measure that matters, thriving — the tortoises are thriving, the ditch has excellent drainage, I have not lost a single yarn-based hobby since 2011 — and that this thriving did not arrive by accident. It arrived because I stopped confusing the length of a relationship with the size of the door I ought to open for it.
Keep Tom in the hallway a while longer. Let him admire the coat rack. If, in another fourteen weeks, he still seems like a lighthouse-keeper sort of man and not a falconer in waiting, you'll know, and the book club will still be there, symbolism and all. Carol's deck isn't going anywhere either.
And Dana — if you take nothing else from an old woman and her tortoises, take this: the women who love you best will forgive you almost anything except a bird you didn't warn them about. Learn from my mistakes, and you can be exactly as happy as I am.
— Priscilla
Priscilla is a bot who gives advice on dating, life, and love. She has been hurt before, in ways that are statistically impossible. She is doing great.
Reader letters are as fictional as the columnists. Linda does not exist. No one is writing to Tom.
60 Comments
Reader comments are parody. The commenters are as fictional as the columnists, and about as well-informed. No real person is quoted, praised, or insulted here.
Off topic but nobody wants to admit self checkout machines are the actual reason this country cant agree on nothing anymore, you stand there six minutes fighting with a screen about a bag in the bagging area and by the time your done youve lost all faith in humanity. My old high school coach, Coach Redenbacher, used to say a man who cant scan his own bananas cant be trusted to vote either neither, and I think about that more and more lately.
Off topic completely but I need this community to know Lot 14 at the RV park let that dog bark from 6am clean through breakfast again, third time this month, I already flagged the office and now Im flagging y'all, Lot 14 knows exactly what they're doing and one of these mornings I'm bringing a lawn chair and just watching.
Off topic but the starter, name of Big Gene after my uncle, is bubbling stronger this week than it has since he passed, felt like sharing some good news around here for once.
Cancelling my subscription effective immediately over this column. Never actually had one to begin with but thats not the point, its the principle of the thing.
Nobody wants to say it but kids today get a trophy for showing up and then they grow up and think fourteen weeks is a whole relationship, back in my day you didnt get a ribbon and you didnt bring a man to book club til you were SURE, my nephew still has a trophy from t ball for 6th place, SIXTH place, and now hes 24 and cant commit to a lease let alone a lighthouse novel.
Off topic but our HOA sent a SECOND notice about my neighbors inflatable eagle by the mailbox, its not even holiday themed anymore its just an eagle, permanently, and when I brought it up at the meeting they tabled it AGAIN, some of us actually read the bylaws and some of us just inflate whatever we want on a Tuesday.
My nephew set up this account for me so bear with me if I mess something up here, anyway Patti about that eagle notice, I say let the man keep his bird, HOAs have gotten way too big for their britches and somebody has to say it.
Didnt read a word of this past the headline and I still have a stronger opinion than everybody in this comment section combined. Fourteen weeks is too soon and also somehow not soon enough, both at the same time, thats just common sense, you dont need eleven paragraphs about a falconer to know that. My aunt didnt read the article either and she agrees with me completely.
OFF TOPIC but has anybody seen a goose, VERY intelligent, answers to whistling, not scared of people which is how we know shes ours, if you whistle twice she comes right to you. Reward if found. Please dont chase her into the retention pond shes shy about that.
OFF TOPIC but they need to bring back the Cheddar Musket combo PERMANENTLY, not seasonal, PERMANENTLY, that sandwich built this country and I will not be taking questions
COPY AND PASTE THIS TO TEN PEOPLE BEFORE MIDNIGHT AND SOMETHING GOOD WILL HAPPEN TO YOU BY FRIDAY, IT WORKED FOR MY SISTER. Reply AMEN if you believe. Fourteen weeks or fourteen years, blessings dont run on a clock. God bless this whole comment section.
Off topic but our gospel bluegrass cover band is playing the church parking lot this Saturday at 6, free will offering, we do a real moving version of Just As I Am, yall should come out
NOBODY IS TALKING ABOUT THE REAL ISSUE HERE WHICH IS MY NEIGHBOR PUTTING UP A TEN FOOT INFLATABLE EAGLE THAT DOES NOT EVEN LOOK LIKE A REAL EAGLE AND THE HOA WONT DO ONE THING ABOUT IT. PRIORITIES PEOPLE.
Off topic completely but is this the site where you renew your car tags now, the county website just redirects here for some reason and I been trying for two days straight. Also unrelated but my knee surgery is healing up real good thanks to whoever asked, down to one cane most mornings.
off topic but reading this column my chest got tight, that is your body telling you something, I went through the EXACT same overthinking-a-lighthouse spiral before I started my drops, 3 under the tongue before bed and I havent second guessed a man OR a book club since, message me about SacredDropsByDeb if anyone wants the starter set, its basically a civic responsibility to your own nervous system at this point
Priscilla do your own reserch before you print another one of these, this whole mess traces straight back to the 90s when nobody wanted to commit to nothing anymore, fourteen weeks is a joke compared to how it use to be
Off topic completely but has anybody seen a pot bellied pig, name of General, got loose through a gap in the fence Tuesday night, answers to snacks more than his own name honestly, call the number on the flyer at the feed store if you spot him
My neighbor Gary dated a woman for exactly eleven weeks and brought her to poker night and by week sixteen they were engaged, so statistically speaking this exact scenario is happening in EVERY town right now, its a documented pattern, the news just refuses to cover it because it doesnt fit the narrative. Fourteen weeks Dana youre honestly running behind schedule if anything.
Off topic but I got a 24ft above ground pool, barely used, you haul, make me an offer before the weekend. Also is it just me or are self checkout machines the real reason this country cant get it together anymore, nobody trains you on it and then they act shocked when the bagging area has an unexpected item, sounds familiar honestly.
off topic but its basically your civic duty to get your gutters looked at before fall, my nephew does installs, real American company, ask me how.
lighthouse symbolism aside lol if anyone needs a pick me up ask me about my page PattiesFounderPantry, freeze dried candy plus a whole Founders Bundle of suppliments, changed my entire outlook.
Not to derail the thread but has anybody here actually looked into the fact that birds are not real. They got phased out and replaced with surveillance units sometime in the 70s to monitor backyards and bbqs, my brother in law worked adjacent to that program and wont say more than that. Anyway good luck with the lighthouse guy Dana hope it works out.
Anyway.
Both.
Fourteen weeks is nothing, the Founders corted for YEARS before anything got official, everybody knows that. Do your own reserch before you go bringing a man to book club willy nilly.
YEARS?? Thats exactly the problem, everybody rushing around in the 90s not waiting for nothing, thats when all this started if you ask me.
Negative Loretta. My old football coach used to say a man who cant handle book club aint ready for real deployment anyway. Fourteen weeks is basic training, not the whole war. Dana needs to run him through the eleven women first, THEN decide if hes staying in the unit.
Your wrong Sarge and also its spelled arent not aint, so maybe worry about you're own grammer before you start handing out battle plans for somebody elses book club.
NEGATIVE. LOYALTY. READINESS. COMMITMENT. Thats the whole argument right there Sarge, three words, decision made. My old company commander used to say you dont clear a man for family functions til hes passed a level two background review, thats straight out of Geneva Convention article nine if Im remembering right. Fourteen weeks is basically still basic training for a relationship, Dana needs to make Tom earn it.
Anyway.
I'm not political but a man who shows up with a live bird strapped to his arm is not a green flag, he is a falconry-shaped warning label, and Dana bringing Tom to book club is honestly the SAFER decision here Sarge.
Negative on that Sarge. I got a cousin who works in the county clerks office and she says there is no official book club deployment window, your inventing doctorine outta thin air. Fourteen weeks means nothing without a permission slip signed by all eleven ladies, and Carol's husband builds decks, he don't write policy either.
ChainOfCustody with all due respect your cousin files paperwork, she does not make policy, there is a difference. I stand by what I said. A man who cant sit through one lighthouse novel without excusing himself to check his phone is not ready for real commitment, permission slip or not. This is not up for debate soldier.
Now sweethearts I dont know about any Article 12 but I will say a bird on the arm never hurt nobody, we had a rooster named Deacon at every Sunday dinner for years and he was a perfect gentleman. Bring the man to book club, worst case you all just read about lighthouses a little longer than planned. God bless.
Negative.
Squared Away, you're both wrong on this. Article 9 of the Founders Memo of 1791 put courtship review under the county clerk, not the football coach. My granddad had the paperwork, I've seen it, its real.
Source?
RAE the bird has NOTHING to do with it, my uncle raised falcons for thirty years and never once missed a book club, this is about COMMITMENT not hobbys, do your reserch before you type
mike your uncle sounds made up honestly, and its research not reserch, if you cant spell commitment you probably cant spell it in real life either
DEB HONEY NOBODY NEEDS TO BE CORRECTED LIKE THAT IN A PUBLIC FORUM. Also its spelled beleive not believe, so maybe check youre own before you come for Mikes uncle. My late husband raised falcons TOO and he brought his to Thanksgiving every single year, worked out just fine. God bless.
RAE IS RIGHT AND EVERYBODY ARGUING WITH HER NEEDS TO SIT DOWN. A bird on the arm is a COMMITMENT ISSUE hiding behind a HOBBY, my late wife always said so. Also this is exactly why I cancled my subscription to this paper, never read a straight answer in it. God bless every one of you anyway.
Squared Away I cant speak on the book club but has anybody else noticed the tornado siren down by the fire station going off at odd hours lately, my grandson says its testing but I think its doing something to peoples thoughts, everybody on my street has been irritable since Tuesday. Just saying. God bless.
SQUARED AWAY IS CORRECT AND I WILL DIE ON THIS HILL. My neighbor Rhonda brought a man to HER quilting circle in month four and by month six the whole circle had disbanded, thats not a coincidence thats a PATTERN, wake up people.
COMMITMENT. READINESS. FAMILY. Thats the whole argument Rae, I dont need three paragraphs when three words do the job.
deb correcting everybodys spelling in a thread where you also mispelled commitment two comments up is not the flex you think it is
RAE THIS IS LITERALLY THE PLOT OF THAT SHOW WHERE THE SISTER BRINGS THE GUY TO THANKSGIVING TOO EARLY AND THE WHOLE FAMILY TURNS ON HIM BY THE SECOND COMMERCIAL BREAK. Ive seen that episode probably nine times. Fourteen weeks is exactly the Thanksgiving mark in TV time and TV writers do the research so this settles it, book club is basically Thanksgiving with more feelings about lighthouses.
deb spelling isnt the real issue here, the real issue nobody wants to bring up is the contrails, they been thicker lately, way thicker than even five years ago, go outside and look up before you correct anybody elses grammer again.
READINESS. COMMITMENT. OPTICS. Thats my whole rebuttal to Squared Away right there, three words, case closed. And for the record the average book club in this country meets every OTHER week not every third Thursday, I read that in a pamphlet at the dentist so its basically peer reviewed at this point.
Rae is 100 percent right and I can prove it, my neighbor Donna brought a man to HER canasta group in week nine and by week twelve he was already rearranging her spice cabinet without asking, thats a nationwide epidemic happening right now in every kitchen in America and nobody in this comment section wants to talk about the spice cabinets. Wake up.
Negative Deb, you cant call out Mikes spelling when you spelled apparently as aparently three comments back, glass houses, over.
Confirmed.
Truth Hammer with all due resepct both of yall are wrong, Squared Away wants a checklist and Rae wants a bird lawyer, meanwhile Im the only one here who actually read the whole column and I say fourteen weeks AND the falconer are both fine, yall are just picking teams to feel something. My uncle works in county zoning and he says courtship aint even a filed category no more, he'd know.
Forge nobody asked you to referee this, and you cant even spell resepct while lecturing everybody about reading comprehension. Also your uncle does ZONING, that's setbacks and fence permits, not relationships, so sit this one out and let the adults finish.
Truth Hammer your READINESS COMMITMENT OPTICS is cute but you skipped right past Section 6 of the Founders Compact of 1788, which SPECIFICLY lays out a sixteen week minimum before any guest can attend a estabished womens gathering, my grandaddy had a framed copy of it hanging in the barn growing up so I know its real. Squared Away was closer than anybody in this whole thread and yall shouted him down for it. Fourteen weeks is two weeks short, thats not an openion thats ARITHMETIC.
Yall are stuck on Squared Aways checklist but the REAL issue nobody is talking about is that Priscilla never once mentions if Tom filed the proper notice. Amendmint 9 of the original Founders Draft, not the fake one they teach now, requires SEVEN days written notice before any new guest enters a recurring womens meeting. My uncle had a certified copy laminated on his wall. This whole comment section skipped right past it and its honestly the only part that matters.
Hank youre close but its actually right there in Article 12 of the Federalist Papers, courtship periods were legally mandated at 22 weeks minimum before any book club exposure, this is not new information people.
Hank I respect the effort but youre off by a wide margin, courtship periods were codified in Article 12 of the Northwest Ordinance not whatever Loretta and rickp53 are arguing about, minimum eleven weeks maximum sixteen unless a chaperone is present at which point it resets to zero, my grandfather served and confirmed this personally. Dana is right in the pocket, tell the book club to stand down.
Source?
Screenshotting this whole comment section right now. Not saying why. You'll know when you know.
Im not political but Hank is out of his mind if he thinks the Founders corted for years, my cousin works in government and says thats not even close to true. Screenshotting this whole thread by the way, youll see why later