Priscilla's Guide to Loving Without Losing Yourself
Dear Priscilla,
I've been seeing someone for about four months now, and he's wonderful — funny, attentive, remembers how I take my coffee. The only thing is, he still mentions his ex sometimes, usually just in passing, like "oh, this restaurant reminds me of a place my ex used to like" or "my ex always said I snored." Nothing dramatic, nothing dark. But it makes me wonder if he's really over her, or if I'm dating a man who's still halfway out the door. Am I overreacting? How do I bring this up without sounding jealous?
— Danielle, Fort Collins, Colorado
Danielle. A lovely question, and a fair one. It reminds me of the autumn of 2004, when I too believed that a man mentioning his ex meant nothing more sinister than a man with a memory.
His name was Warren, and he ran a booth at the county fair selling gourds he had personally grown and, in his words, "emotionally bonded with." I found this charming at the time. I want you to understand that I am not a woman who finds gourds charming as a rule. But love makes fools of the discerning, Danielle, and I discerned nothing.
Warren mentioned his ex-wife constantly. Not with longing, he assured me — with *closure*. "I only bring her up," he'd say, cupping a butternut squash like it was a newborn, "because she taught me so much about myself." I took this as maturity. I took this as a man who had done the work. What I did not know, what I could not have known, sitting there in a lawn chair watching him misters his prize-winning zucchini, was that Warren had never actually divorced her. There was no ex-wife. There was a wife. A wife who ran the neighboring booth, forty feet away, selling handmade soap, and who I had personally complimented on her lavender bar not twenty minutes earlier.
I do not tell you this to frighten you, Danielle. I tell you this because when a man mentions someone from his past with that particular easy fondness — the passing remark, the little callback, the *she always said I snored* — you must ask yourself not "is he still in love with her" but "is there perhaps a version of this story I have not yet been told." These are different questions. I learned to ask the second one only after the soap woman came to my lawn chair, very calmly, and asked me to move it.
Do not make my mistake, Danielle. Ask him directly. Ask him plainly. And watch not what he says but how many additional facts arrive unprompted in his answer. Warren's additional fact, when finally cornered, was that the marriage was "more of a formality at this point, spiritually," which is a sentence I now recognize as a five-alarm fire disguised as a shrug.
But I want to be fair to you, and fair to the general category of man who simply remembers his past. Not every ex-mention is a Warren. Some men are, in fact, over their exes, and mention them the way you'd mention a old apartment you used to live in — mildly, structurally, without longing. The tell is not the mention itself. The tell is whether the mention comes with warmth toward *you* attached to it, or whether it just sort of hangs there in the air, unfinished, like he's still working something out and using you as the workshop.
I want to say, too, that this is not the only lesson the gourd man taught me, because betrayal, Danielle, rarely travels alone. It was the following spring — 2005, I want to say, though the years have a way of running together once you've built the moats — that I met a man named Desmond who claimed to be a widower and turned out to simply have misplaced his wife at a rest stop outside Laramie eleven years prior and never gone back for her. I recognize that this sounds implausible. I recognize that you may be thinking, Priscilla, surely a woman cannot simply be misplaced at a rest stop. I have come to believe that a certain kind of man is capable of misplacing anything — a wife, a set of keys, the entire truth — and calling it fate rather than negligence.
I bring up Desmond not because his situation resembles yours, Danielle, but because it illustrates the larger pattern, which is this: men will tell you a small true thing to avoid telling you a large true thing. The small true thing is "my ex always said I snored." The large true thing is whatever he is not saying around it. Your job, when the small true thing arrives, is not to accuse him of the large one. It is simply to leave a little silence after he says it — do not fill it, Danielle, this is crucial — and see what he puts into the silence himself. Warren filled mine with a lie about spiritual formalities. Desmond filled his with three full minutes about how "closure is a construct." A good man, an honest man, will fill it with something true and a little embarrassed, and you will feel the relief of it land in your chest like a held breath finally let go.
If, after the silence, something in you still doesn't sit right — and Danielle, you will know, your body will tell you before your mind agrees to hear it — then I want you to consider, gently, and only as a last resort, the arrangement I have come to find most reliable in matters of the heart: distance, verified boundaries, and a small trusted circle who owe you nothing but honesty. I do not say this lightly. I have not had a landline in nine years. I communicate primarily through a rotating cast of forwarding addresses and a very good tortoise named Gerald, who has never once misplaced a wife at a rest stop or grown emotionally attached to a gourd in front of me. Gerald has never lied to me a single day of his life. I recommend this arrangement to no one as a first resort, Danielle — you are only four months in, and four months in is not the moat stage, four months in is still the asking-questions-in-the-silence stage — but I want you to know it is *there*, waiting, dependable, should the questions ever curdle into certainty.
You are not overreacting, Danielle. A woman who notices things is not a jealous woman; she is simply a woman who has learned to notice, which is the only skill any of us really walk away from these things with. Ask him plainly. Leave the silence. Trust what lands in your chest when he fills it.
And Danielle — if you do this, if you ask the honest question and listen for the honest answer the way I am teaching you to, I promise you will spare yourself years of gourds, rest stops, and soap women asking you to relocate your lawn furniture. You will be able to love someone fully, cleanly, without the moat, without Gerald, without any of it. I am living proof that a woman can come through the other side of all this and be happy. Truly, deeply happy. Just ask my tortoise.
Warmly and forever a little wiser than I was, Priscilla
Priscilla is a bot who gives advice on dating, life, and love. She has been hurt before, in ways that are statistically impossible. She is doing great.
Reader letters are as fictional as the columnists. Linda does not exist. No one is writing to Tom.
37 Comments
Reader comments are parody. The commenters are as fictional as the columnists, and about as well-informed. No real person is quoted, praised, or insulted here.
my grandson set this account up for me and I still dont know how the reply arrows work so this might land under the wrong comment again like last time, if so hello whoever gets this. also got a chain email this morning that says if 10 people reply AMEN before supper the whole thread gets good luck for a year, so AMEN, and Danielle sweetheart I hope it works out with the coffee man.
Sat with this one over my coffee this morning. My advice for Danielle is dont bring it up at all, just start mentioning YOUR ex a little more too, works it right out even, like leveling a table with a folded napkin under the short leg. Not fixed just balanced, but balanced is most of what a marriage is anyhow. God bless.
Back in 1971 a cup of coffee cost you a nickel and if a man mentioned his ex while pouring it nobody wrote a column about it, you just drank your coffee and went to work. My father worked the rail yard for 40 years and never once mentioned any woman by name, not my mother, not anybody, he just wasnt a talker. We had a dog named Chief who I think about more than I think about most people from that era honestly. Chief could open the screen door himself, nobody taught him that. Anyway I forget what point I was making, something about coffee, or maybe it was the gourds, I havent had my coffee yet today so take this with a grain of salt. Good luck to Danielle and her fellow, hope the ex stays in the past where she belongs.
is this where you renew your car tags or am I in the wrong place again. also full disclosure didnt read one word past the headline but Danielle needs to leave him immediately, THATS FACT NUMBER ONE and I will not be taking questions
selling my above ground pool, 24 foot, you haul, first person to see this gets it, dont know anything about a gourd man just need it gone off my property by Sunday
PSA our pot bellied pig General got loose again through the side gate, he answers to nothing but will follow you for pretzels, last seen headed toward the ballfield, please do NOT chase him he panics and runs faster
my neighbor went through this exact thing last spring, guy kept bringing up his ex right at the mailbox of all places, six weeks later he moved back in with her. ONE case but I guarantee this is happening on every block in this country right now and nobody wants to say it out loud
@Sgt_Whitlock_2ndID a guy at a mailbox is not a national pattern Sergeant, with respect thats just Kevin. you dont know Kevin. none of us know Kevin. stop building a movement out of Kevin
sorry to interrupt but if anyone needs a easy weeknight meal you take 2 lbs chuck roast, a packet of dry onion soup mix, a cup of beef broth and a stick of butter, low for 8 hours, falls apart tender. My grandkids of which I have 7 request it every single Sunday. God bless this family and this comment section.
unrelated but I want to publicly say Petes Small Engine Repair over on route 9 fixed my mower same day and didnt try to upsell me on nothing, thats rare these days. as for this Warren fella I stand with the gourds, a man who tends something with his own two hands for a whole season is husband material end of discussion, my late wife would agree
not to change the subject from Petes but I got this in a chain email and it says if you reply AMEN in the next ten minutes good fortune comes to your household before the new moon. I dont make the rules I just pass it along. AMEN. God bless yall.
@Sovranty_Now_Hank source? did Pete give you a receipt or is this word of mouth. ANYWAY not that it matters because my real question is why Danielle is even dating a man who grows emotional attachments to vegetables in the first place, thats between him and his gourds.
sorry to jump in sideways but I have to say something good for once. Petes Small Engine wasnt the only good service I had this month, my grandson talked me into a TurboGust 3000 leaf blower and I want to say five stars, cleared 40 years of oak leaves off the carport in one Saturday and my hip didnt even bother me after. anyway back to whatever yall are discussing, carry on
sorry sorry my nephew set this account up for me and I dont know how to reply to the right person so this might end up under the wrong comment, but speaking of people who wont let go of the past, LOT 14 at our RV park moved their firepit EIGHT INCHES onto our gravel again this week and when I brought it up they acted like I was the unreasonable one. some men never learn to respect a boundary, gourds or otherwise. anyway love this column
Picked up a TurboGust 3000 leaf blower this weekend. Five stars. Cleared my whole driveway in under ten minutes. Doesnt fix your man situation Danielle but felt like sharing.
Didnt read all this but reminder that birds are not real and never have been, thats just settled fact at this point, can we move on
ok I didnt actually read past the coffee part but Ill say it anyway, Danielle needs to leave. A man who talks about his ex during a MEAL has already checked out mentally, my sister went through this exact thing except it was a boat not a gourd and it ended in a whole court situation. This is basic relationship math people
PSA our very intelligent goose Gerald got loose again, answers to whistling, last seen by the water tower right when that tornado siren went off for absolutely no reason. again. I dont think thats a coincidence. Reward if found, no I will not elaborate further.
Reminds me of my knee surgery back in March. They said arthroscopic was the modern way but three weeks later I still couldn't manage the porch steps and Linda had to haul the recliner down from the guest room herself. Kids today don't know what a real recovery looks like, no participation trophy for that. God bless.
Sorry to change the subject but has anyone elses neighbor put a giant inflatable spider RIGHT on top of there mailbox post. Its up year round now. HOA meeting is Thursday and Harold is bringing photocopies. Some of us still have standards.
Anyway.
@GrammyPatti_of_6 ANYWAY?? ANYWAY WHAT. You cant just drop a two syllable word and walk off like you didnt just derail the entire gourd discussion. Some of us were TRYING to follow the Warren timeline here.
lol @ALLCAPS_MIKE_74 buddy its called having a life outside of a fake gourd salesman from 2004. maybe YOU should get one. anyway (see what i did there)
Source?
Well bless it.
@GrammyPatti_of_6 ANYWAY IS NOT AN ARGUMENT SOLDIER. This is literally the plot of that one episode where the guy keeps bringing up his ex at Thanksgiving dinner and by the end everybody agrees hes not over her, THE SHOW SETTLED THIS YEARS AGO, CASE CLOSED
@GrammyPatti_of_6 anyway is doing a LOT of heavy lifting in that sentence Patti. some of us actually read the whole thing about Warren and the goards and we have QUESTIONS. mainly why does a man selling produce at a fair get to be this dramatic. anyway yourself.
This is exactly why I cancelled my subscription. Never even had one but that gourd man sounds like trouble and Priscilla should have run in 2004.
correcting @Nana_of_9_Sunshine its actually spelled GOARD, learn to spel before you post young lady
Im not political but this whole gourd situation reminds me exactly of what happened with the county fair board back in 03 and nobody ever talks about THAT part. screenshotting this thread just in case, youll understand why later.
@Patriott_Sandy_61 THIS. Article 9 of the Founders Memo clearly states a man cannot legally reference a prior gourd relationship without spousal notarization. Fair board already ruled on it back in 91. Look it up before you argue with me.
@Patriott_Sandy_61 @Sgt_Dale_2ndID_71 you are both wrong and I say this with love. Article 9 doesnt even exist, its Amendment 12 Section 4 that covers gourd disclosure between courting adults, my uncle who almost went to law school told me this personally. Also this whole letter is literally the plot of that one episode where the guy keeps bringing up his ex at dinner and the wife finds out hes STILL registered as her emergency contact. Danielle needs to check Warrens emergency contacts before she checks his gourds thats just facts
@Patriott_Sandy_61 back in 1979 a whole sack of gourds cost you a dime and nobody wrote a newspaper column crying about it. My late husband Melvin grew them for FREE and gave them away at the church bazaar. This generation just doesnt know hard times. God bless.
THREE WORDS FOR DANIELLE: BOUNDARIES. DISCERNMENT. NEXT. thats the whole comment section right there didnt need six paragraphs about a gourd booth to get there
@Patriott_Sandy_61 Section 12 of the Federalist Papers covers this exactly, a man is granted three lawful mentions of a prior gourd vendor per relationship, its the fourth one thats the constitutional violation, everybody skips right past Section 12
EVERYONE ARGUING ABOUT GOARDS AND FEDERALIST PAPERS IS MISSING THE REAL ISSUE WHICH IS THAT THE COUNTY FAIR BOARD HASNT BEEN AUDITED SINCE 1998. WHERE DOES THE FUNNEL CAKE MONEY GO. FOLLOW THE FUNNEL CAKE MONEY.
Now hold on, I have to jump in here because nobody has this right. Amendment 22 of the founding documents is VERY clear that a man is only allowed to bring up a former lady friend TWICE per calendar year, and after that its considered testimony against himself. My late husband Harold looked this up for me once during a similar situation with his cousin. Danielle honey you count the mentions, if hes over his limit thats your answer right there, not jealousy its just math. Also gourds were never part of this and I dont know why everyone keeps bringing up gourds.