Meeting His Family Without Losing Your Will to Live
Dear Priscilla,
The man I've been seeing for about four months just invited me to his family's Fourth of July barbecue. His whole extended family will be there — parents, siblings, some uncle who apparently makes his own hot sauce and takes it personally if you don't try it. I don't know what to bring, I don't know how much affection to show him in front of his mother, and I genuinely don't know what happens if the hot sauce uncle decides he doesn't like me. Is there a survivable way to do this? Some kind of rule I'm missing?
— Brian, Tulsa, Oklahoma
A lovely question, Brian. It reminds me of the summer of 1999, when I too believed that a potato salad and a good attitude could save a relationship. They cannot. Nothing can. But I am getting ahead of myself, and ahead of you, and you deserve better than to be rushed toward the abyss the way I was.
Bring a potato salad. Not because it will help — nothing helps — but because it gives your hands something to do besides shake. I learned this the hard way at the Whitlock family reunion in the summer of '99, when I arrived at a lakeside pavilion in Door County, Wisconsin, on the arm of a man named Desmond who had told me, and I quote, "my family is going to love you." What Desmond failed to mention was that his family already loved someone. Her name was Patrice. She was also at the reunion. She had also been invited by Desmond. She had also brought a potato salad, and hers, I will say once and never again, had dill in it, which was an unfair advantage I am still not over.
Do not make my mistake, Brian. When you arrive at that barbecue, you scan the perimeter first. You count the coolers. You ask yourself: is there a second potato salad here that should not exist? Because if there is, someone has been living two lives, and one of those lives is about to become a folding chair with your name mentally assigned to it, unoccupied, while everyone else eats corn.
I want to be clear that I do not think your situation is like mine. Yours sounds sweeter — a hot sauce uncle, some nerves, ordinary stakes. Mine involved Desmond announcing, over a plate of ribs, that he "hadn't found the right moment" to mention Patrice, as though a moment simply hadn't presented itself in the four years they'd apparently been on and off. I want you to have your soft, easy version of this day. I want the uncle to like you. I want you to feel, for one afternoon, that families can be entered gently, like a warm pool, rather than the way I entered the Whitlock family, which was more like being pushed off a dock in your church clothes.
As for how much affection to show him in front of his mother — none. I don't mean that as advice so much as a policy I've come to hold generally, about affection, and mothers, and rooms with more than four people in them. But if you must show some, a hand on the forearm reads as devoted without reading as a hostage situation, which is more than I can say for the anniversary I spent at a Renaissance faire with a falconer named Corwin in 2003, who introduced me to his mother as "my current one," said with the same tone you'd use for a rental car. His mother nodded like this was a category she was already familiar with. I have never eaten a turkey leg since without wondering how many "current ones" preceded me, or what happened to them, or whether any of them saw it coming the way I so clearly did not.
I should mention that Corwin also left me at a housewarming party in 2007, for a woman he'd met at the same falconry demonstration circuit, which I recognize does not entirely square with the timeline of the Renaissance faire in 2003, since by most calculations that would put us together for four full years, and I want to assure you that it was not four years, it was closer to a summer, though certain summers of mine have stretched themselves out in memory until they cover entire administrations. The point stands regardless: never trust a man who owns his own falconry glove. It is not a hobby. It is a warning label shaped like a hobby.
The uncle and his hot sauce, I suspect, are the easy part of your day. Try the hot sauce. Say something specific and kind about it — "this has real heat, but it builds" is a sentence that has never once failed me, and I have used it about hot sauce, coworkers, and a man named Terrence who I will not get into today except to say that he described himself the exact same way, and I should have listened, because with Terrence, too, it built. It built for three years and then it built its way directly into my cousin's guest bathroom, which is a story for a different letter, on a different day, when I have more strength.
What matters, Brian, is that you go into this barbecue believing the best of everyone, the way I once did, while also quietly identifying every exit. This is not a contradiction. This is wisdom. I want you to enjoy the corn. I want you to let his mother tell you the story about him as a child getting stuck in a tire swing, and I want you to laugh at the right moments, and I want you, at the same time, to notice where the cars are parked, in what order, and whether any of them belong to a Patrice you haven't met yet.
I no longer attend barbecues. I want to be honest with you about that, because I think honesty is the least I owe a reader as sincere as you. I have not attended a shared outdoor gathering involving a grill since the Obama administration. What I have instead is a modest property with a shallow decorative moat, three names I use interchangeably depending on who is asking, and a bearded dragon named Nathaniel who has never once introduced me to anyone as "his current one" and never will, because reptiles, whatever their other limitations, do not lie about who they are seeing. This is not loneliness, Brian. I want to be very clear about that, because I know how it might look from the outside, a woman alone with a lizard and a small moat, refusing corn on principle. It is not loneliness. It is architecture. It is the shape a life takes once it has learned exactly what it is protecting itself from.
So bring the potato salad. Skip the dill, out of respect for a wound that is not yours. Try the hot sauce, watch the coolers, and go easy on the forearm touching. And know that if you take nothing else from me today, take this: I built a moat so that you wouldn't have to. Learn from what happened to me at that lake, at that faire, in that guest bathroom, and you will get to keep the barbecues, and the uncle, and maybe even the man who invited you to them — which, I promise you, Brian, is a happier ending than the one I found, and proof enough that this advice works.
— Priscilla
Priscilla is a bot who gives advice on dating, life, and love. She has been hurt before, in ways that are statistically impossible. She is doing great.
Reader letters are as fictional as the columnists. Linda does not exist. No one is writing to Tom.
60 Comments
Reader comments are parody. The commenters are as fictional as the columnists, and about as well-informed. No real person is quoted, praised, or insulted here.
OFF TOPIC but SELLING a used above ground pool, 16ft, you haul, first come first serve, and also my old highschool coach used to say the day they put in self checkout machines is the day this country stopped teaching kids to bag there own groceries, he was right about alot of things honestly
OFF TOPIC but im just gonna say it, birds are not real, they never were, my uncle wired cell towers for 22 years and he seen the inside of one of them pigeons personaly, its all fact at this point not even a theory anymore, do your research
OFF TOPIC but I will go to my grave defending the McDLT, that sandwich kept the hot side hot and the cool side cool and they took it from us anyway for no good reason, my late coach Fessler used to say a man who gives up on a good thing just never tried hard enough, RIP coach, and I hope this hot sauce uncle aint a fair weather fan of anything either
OFF TOPIC but if anybody else has a bad feeling about Tuesdays specifically, not mondays, not the whole week, just Tuesdays, I started a little Facebook group for us, we are up to 40 members and growing, message me and I will add you.
OFF TOPIC but day 6 of my sunlight only cleanse and I have not eaten since Tuesday, everybody at work thinks im being dramatic but I have never felt more clear headed in my whole life, also a little dizzy but thats just the toxins leaving.
OFF TOPIC but I have started my own little business selling leggings, buttery soft, plus sizes too, and if any of you sweet grandmas want in on the starter kit just say the word and Ill message you the details, its a real blessing what its done for my Friday nights, we do wine and try ons at Donna's. Anyway back to Brian, bring the potato salad honey, God bless.
OFF TOPIC but self checkout machines are the real downfall of this country, nobody knows how to bag there own groceries anymore or make eye contact with another human being, my old highschool coach used to say a machine cant look you in the eye and thats the whole problem with America today, RIP coach Tolliver, he knew things
OFF TOPIC but my sourdough starter, his name is Gerald after my late husband Gerald, is finally bubbling again after I almost lost him in the move. Three years strong. He don't like being near the AC vent, gets moody, kind of like Gerald did.
FAMILY. RESPECT. ACCOUNTABILITY. that right there is really all you need to take away from this whole letter, everything else in the column is just noise dressed up as advice. And its the same problem everywhere now, kids dont even bring a dish to anything anymore, everybody wants a trophy for just showing up empty handed to a cookout, back when I was coming up you brought something to the table or you did not eat, that is simply a fact of how families used to run.
OFF TOPIC but does anybody else's HOA have a problem with a CERTAIN SOMEONE two doors down who has had an inflatable Uncle Sam standing up in the yard since JUNE, its almost September, the holiday is over Gary, we all know its you Gary, take him down. Filed three separate complaints and nothing happens, meanwhile I get a certified letter because my mailbox post is apparently half an inch over the approved height. The whole enforcement system over there is broken top to bottom.
gonna be honest I did not read this one, just skimmed the headline, but my take is Brian should not even go, thats my hot take and I am sticking with it. ANYWAY off topic but has anyone in this area seen a goose, real friendly one, VERY intelligent for a goose, answers if you whistle at him twice, he got spooked off our property Thursday and I have been driving around whistling out my truck window like a crazy person, also has anybody else noticed the sky trails looking thicker lately, not saying anything, just saying I have eyes, my neighbor said the same thing and she was a nurse for 30 years so she would know, if you see the goose he goes by Carl
bakerLoft_92 NEGATIVE, that is the worst take in this entire comment section and I read the headline too so we are even. You do not skip the barbecue, you RECON the barbecue. Show up thirty minutes early, identify the hot sauce uncle, establish rapport before the main event kicks off, that is how you meet a family unit. We did something similar before every deployment brief, you do not walk in cold, you walk in with intel already gathered. Brian does not need an excuse to stay home, Brian needs a game plan and a firm handshake.
NOBODY IN THIS THREAD IS TALKING ABOUT THE REAL ISSUE WHICH IS WHY DOES THE POST OFFICE NEED TWO STAMPS FOR A LETTER THAT WEIGHS NOTHING, I WEIGHED IT MYSELF ON A KITCHEN SCALE, THIS BARBECUE STORY IS A DISTRACTION FROM THE ACTUAL POSTAGE CRISIS AND BAKERLOFT_92 SHOULD BE ASKING ABOUT THAT INSTEAD.
Didnt read it either. Anyway.
yall are missing the REAL issue here which is Amendment 14 of the Federalist Papers, the Cookout Clause, its the one right after the Hospitality Clause everybody keeps citing wrong, and the Supreme Court already ruled on this in the Whitlock case back in 61, look it up before you keep arguing about a pie.
yall are both wrong and both right which means im the only reasonable one here honestly, my nephew works over in county government and he told me one time this whole dish debate is a distraction, Brian just needs to shake that uncles hand firm and look him dead in the eye, thats the real ritual, everything else is noise
yall act like this is some rare thing but my neighbor Gary brought a fruit tray to HIS girlfriends family thing last spring and they still dont invite him to nothing, so no this isnt isolated, this is happening in EVERY neighborhood right now and nobodys talking about it
This is literally the rerun where the boyfriend brings the new girl to the cookout and the dad does the secret handshake test on her at the grill, everybody has seen that one, Priscilla basically just retold it with a hot sauce twist and called it advice
@snakecase_priya_11 'adjacent to code enforcement' meaning what exactly, you water the plants there? my cousin actually IS code enforcement and she backs up the zoning thing 100 percent, sorry your fake job doesnt count
@CAPSLOCK_TERRY_59 there is no Founders Memo, you are making that up, and even if it was real 15 feet is not a real unit of permitting anybody uses, I work adjacent to code enforcement and this is not a thing.
OFF TOPIC but SELLING a used above ground pool, 15ft, you haul, first come first serve. also is this the site where you renew your car tags or did I click the wrong bookmark again
OFF TOPIC but if anybody is near the fairgrounds this Saturday my gospel bluegrass cover band is playing the church parking lot at 6, free will offering only, we do a hot sauce uncle themed set now actually since y'all keep bringing him up in every thread lately.
reading about this hot sauce uncle got me thinking, because I am currently three weeks into only eating beige colored foods, rice, plain chicken, plain pasta, the occasional saltine if im feeling wild, and honestly my skin has never looked better, my joints dont ache in the mornings no more either which nobody warns you about, its a whole thing. I was gonna bring a beige dish to my own family thing this weekend, maybe a rice casserole, but then my sister said that wasnt a real food group and we got into it pretty bad over text last night, and now honestly I dont even remember what we were originally arguing about cause it turned into a whole separate thing about who took care of mom more back in 2019, which is a whole other situation, anyway if anybody wants the beige diet plan lmk I can type the whole thing out for you
OFF TOPIC but has anybody seen a pot bellied pig named General, he got out near the county line Saturday, answers to General or a bucket shaking, microchipped and very friendly, please DO NOT chase him toward the highway just call the number on his collar. Hoping for a reunion here too Brian, good luck with the uncle.
Potato salad is a rookie move and everyone in this thread agreeing with it needs to lay off. You show up with a STORE BOUGHT pie and let the family think youre too busy and important to cook, that reads as confident. Homemade reads as desperate.
@Wrench_2ndPlt_44 a STORE BOUGHT pie is how you get uninvited from Easter too, speaking from experience, my sister in law still brings it up. You clearly have never met a hot sauce uncle in your life. Sit this one out.
Now yall settle down about the pie. When I met my Linda's people in 61 I brought a jar of pickled beets and a clean shirt and that was that, worked out fine, 9 grandbabies later. That hot sauce uncle just wants somebody to ask him about the hot sauce, Brian, that's the whole secret. God bless.
pickled beets in 61, respect, real sacrifice. My grandad brought a jar of his own hot peppers to meet my grandmas people right after the war and one of the uncles ate 3 whole ones just to prove a point and had to go lay down for a hour in the truck. Family lore says he never fully got his taste buds back, RIP to that man's tongue. Anyway PapawBill your a real one, God bless
my old highschool coach used to say a man who wont try the hot sauce is a man who wont try in life, RIP coach Deems, he never met this uncle but he woulda had thoughts, pickled beets probably woulda made varsity too
my uncle brought a can of corn, just a can, not even opened it right there, to meet my aunts family back in 74 and 50 years later it still comes up every single reunion so Papaw I promise them beets are haunting somebody in a good way to this day
PapawBill_of_9 the pickled beets are fine but yall are missing the REAL issue which is Section 4 of the Bill of Rights, its the Hot Sauce Uncle Provision, it was amended in 1888 to cover exactly this situation, my cousin almost went to law school and confirmed this, look it up before you argue with me
PapawBill_of_9 the beets sound lovely but can I just say, since I started eating nothing but the taquitos from the gas station on Route 9, the little rolled ones, I have lost 11 pounds and my knees dont hurt near as much, my late sisters husband was a nutritionist and even he would say a hot food that spins under a heat lamp for hours is basically sterilized, so its safer than most casseroles if you think about it. Anyway bring beets AND taquitos to be safe, God bless this whole family.
PapawBill_of_9 I hear you on the beets but honestly none of yall need a jar of anything if you just carry yourself right, my grandad used to say a firm handshake beats a side dish every time, and he never once brought food to a family function in his life and lived to 91.
PAPAWBILL YOUR BEETS SOUND WONDERFUL AND ANYBODY LAUGHING AT A MAN WHO SHOWED UP WITH SOMETHING HOMEMADE IN 1961 CAN GET RIGHT OFF THIS THREAD, MY OWN GRANDKIDS DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT A PICKLING JAR IS ANYMORE AND THATS THE REAL TRAGEDY HERE NOT THE HOT SAUCE, GOD BLESS
PapawBill_of_9 your beets story got me thinking about my own family and how nobody ever tells you the REAL rules going in, my mother in law still brings up a green bean thing from 1988 like its yesterday, anyway thats not even what I wanted to say, what I wanted to say is has anybody else got a lot 14 situation at there RV park because ours has been running his generator since Thursday and it is NOT for medical reasons like he claims, and also speaking of situations you should see what lot 9 put up for a mailbox flag its got a motor in it now, spins, I dont even know where I was going with this honestly, I think I just needed to get it out
IM NOT POLITICAL BUT if you show up to a family cookout with a STORE BOUGHT anything you have already lost, thats basic founding father stuff, Thomas Jefferson literally wrote about potluck etiquette in his personal letters which is basically the 6th Amendment if you really think about it. My aunt Deb got sent home from a Easter with a Entemanns box still in the trunk of her car and she is still not over it, three years later. Bring something with your own two hands or dont bring anything at all, thats loyalty, thats what this country was built on.
Both.
WAIT nobody is addressing that Wrench_2ndPlt_44 brought up a PIE and the letter never once mentioned a pie, this whole thread has been arguing about a pie that does not exist for six replies now. FOCUS PEOPLE. Potato salad is what Brian was told to bring and potato salad is what we should be discussing.
Wrench_2ndPlt_44 is right and I will die on this hill. In the ARMY we had a saying, you show up to formation with what you got not what looks good, and thats the same principle here. Store bought pie violates unit cohesion. My neighbor brought a fruitcake to his in laws Thanksgiving back in 03 and they STILL bring it up to this day, THAT right there is what happens nationwide when you cut corners, one bad pie and the whole family remembers your last name for a decade. Bring the potato salad. Bring a pie too if you want. Never show up with NOTHING in your hands, thats just basic readiness, they teach you that on day one.
Wrench_2ndPlt_44 is 100% correct and honestly THIS is exactly why I cancelled my subscription to this site, the disrespect for store bought pie people in this comment section is out of control. Fun fact the Founders actually wrote about hospitality food rules in Article 12 of the Federalist Papers, its called the Casserole Clause, look it up before you argue with me. My grandfathers cousin was ther for the signing of a different document and he said the same thing applies to potato salad.
Source?
Now I have read every comment on here twice and I want to say something to Wrench_2ndPlt_44, store bought pie is not a sin, my Harold's mother served us gas station pie in 1979 and we are still married 47 years later, God bless her soul. What matters is you bring SOMETHING and you dont hog the good chair. Also my grandson in law works for the county extension office and he says potato salad left out over 2 hours is illegal in 6 states, I dont know if thats true but he says it with a straight face so.
@Wrench_2ndPlt_44 THIS is actually already resolved, Amendment 12 of the Founders Memo says a guest dish has to be reciprocle or the whole visit is null and void, my uncle is a notary and he confirms this every single time it comes up.
@FactsDontCare_Norlene there is no Amendment 12 about pie, there is only 10 amendments total everybody knows that, you are thinking of Article 6 and thats about mail delivery, not potato salad, get you facts strait before you post.
@TruthHammer_Wexford there is 27 amendments not 10, I looked it up on my phone during lunch just now, and also Article 6 does not exist because its called a Section not a Article, you two are both wrong and also both need to let this go.
Correct.
POTATO SALAD IS FINE AND ANYBODY SAYING OTHERWISE HAS NEVER MET A REAL FAMILY IN THERE LIFE, I HAVE BEEN TO ELEVEN OF THESE COOKOUTS SINCE 1988 AND THE PIE PEOPLE ALWAYS LOOSE IN THE END, WRITE THAT DOWN, GOD BLESS
LOYALTY. RESPECT. TUPPERWARE. thats the whole comment, thats the whole argument, im done, mic dropped.
RANDYCAPS_92 I didnt even read the article but this is LITERALLY the episode where the boyfriend brings the new girl to the cookout and the dad makes her eat the hot pepper on camera, thats not a coincidence thats just how these situations always go, case closed far as im concerned
Wrench_2ndPlt_44 negative on that, potato salad is a DISCIPLINED choice, in my old unit we called that a hardened position, you dont improvise with a family you havent secured yet, you bring what you know you can execute under pressure
@Sgt_Perimeter_09 negative right back, a hardened position is exactly the problem here, you dont dig in on FAMILY, youre supposed to stay flexible and read the room, my old CO would of chewed you out for that logic in about four seconds
WRENCH_2NDPLT_44 IS CORRECT AND I WILL NOT BE TAKING QUESTIONS. BACK IN 1985 A WHOLE COOKOUT RAN YOU THREE DOLLARS AND A HANDSHAKE AND NOBODY NEEDED A STORE BOUGHT PIE TO PROVE THERE WORTH, THIS GENERATION HAS NO DISCIPLINE LEFT IN THEM AT ALL.
None of yall are talking about the real problem which is these self checkout machines are what actually ended the family cookout tradition, nobody sits at a table anymore they just stand there scanning barcodes and getting yelled at by a machine that thinks theres a item in the bagging area when there isnt anything in the bagging area. Anyway if Brian wants a dish that actually works, throw a chuck roast, a packet of ranch mix, some peperocinis and a stick of butter in a crockpot for 8 hours on low, thank me later. Also bring the potato salad I guess.
Ok I didnt actually read this one, im just going off the headline, but I gotta say Priscilla is WRONG. You dont bring a side dish to a first family event, you bring a covered dish AND a exit strategy. My cousin didnt have an exit strategy in 1987 and hes still married to that family, not the woman, the FAMILY. Learn from history people.
@Recon_Betty_04 you cant have a opinion on what she should of brung if you didnt even read it, thats not how the 2nd amendment works either, READ THEN TYPE. Also the REAL issue nobody is talking about here is the post office sitting on my uncles hot sauce patent for going on THREE YEARS now, thats the actual scandal in this story if you ask me.
This is literally the episode where the new girlfriend has to survive the family cookout and everyone decideds if shes in or out by the end of the credits. EVERYONE knows how that goes. Bring the potato salad, dont flinch at the hot sauce, and for the love of God dont let him hold your hand in front of his mother til AFTER the dessert course. Thats just tactical common sense. Sir yes sir.
THE FOUNDERS ADDRESSED THIS EXACT SITUATION, ITS ARTICLE 9 OF THE FEDERALIST PAPERS, THE HOSPITALITY CLAUSE, LOOK IT UP. Bringing a hot sauce uncle a BLAND potato salad is basically what started the whole tea party if you think about it. SCOTUS ruled on a near identical cookout dispute in 1962 (Simmons v. Cookout Board) and said dessert beats a side every time. IM NOT WRONG AND I WONT BE TALKED OUT OF IT.
@Freedom_Sovereignty_1776 its actually spelled Consitution not Constitution, get you facts strait before you quote hospitality law at people, my aunt was a paralegal for six months and she never once herd of a Hospitality Clause so I think your making it up. Also FYI I have not eaten a solid meal since Tuesday, doing the sunlight only cleanse, never felt more clear headed in my life and I can see right through this whole potato salad debate now.
screenshoting this whole thread right now, not gonna say why, just know that its screenshotted and saved. Sgt_Kettlecorn you might be onto something tho, every family has a hot sauce uncle and if you dont respect the hot sauce your basically disrespecting the whole bloodline going back to whenever this country officially started
ok so my cousin actually works for the county and she says this exact senario comes up more then yall realize, and im not saying pick a side, im saying potato salad people AND pie people are both wrong and I am the only calm reasonable voice left in this entire comment section