On Merging Playlists, and Other Ways to Lose Yourself
Dear Priscilla,
My boyfriend of eight months wants us to combine our streaming accounts—Netflix, Spotify, the whole apparatus—into one household plan. He says it's practical, and it probably is; we'd save about eleven dollars a month. But something about seeing his gym playlist sitting next to my "Autumn, But Sad" mix in the same account makes me want to lie down on the kitchen floor and stay there. Am I overreacting? Is merging streaming accounts a sweet, normal relationship milestone, or is it the first domino?
— Dana, Boise, Idaho
A lovely question, Dana. It reminds me of the autumn of 2011, when I too believed that a Spotify Family Plan was an act of love, and not — as I would come to learn — an act of reconnaissance.
His name was Gerald, and he suggested the merger on our six-month anniversary, over a fondue he'd made specifically, I now understand, to keep my hands too occupied with cheese to reach for my phone and check what he was doing on our shared account. I said yes. I was younger then, and I believed that a joint "Continue Watching" queue was simply what two adults built together, the way other couples built a home, or a modest but tasteful garden. Within a month, Gerald had begun what I can only describe as an audit. He knew I had replayed a certain breakup ballad four times in one evening — a breakup, I should say, that had not yet happened, though he treated my listening history as a smoking gun rather than what it actually was, which was foreshadowing he himself had authored. He confronted me at brunch. He said, "I know what you've been listening to, Priscilla," in the tone of a man revealing a wiretap, and then he broke up with me first, on principle, to win a race I did not know we were running. Do not make my mistake, Dana. Do not hand a man the map to your interior life and act surprised when he uses it to leave you before you can leave him.
I want to be clear that Gerald was not an aberration. He was, if anything, the mildest entry in a very long ledger. There was the falconer — you may have heard me speak of the falconer before, a man who left in the spring of 2003 to pursue what he called "a purer form of companionship" with a Harris's hawk named Constance, though I have also, on reflection, told the story where he left at my own housewarming party in 2007, and I recognize now that both cannot be true, and yet both are, in the way that all truly formative betrayals refuse to sit still on a calendar. There was Wendell, who did not so much leave me as slowly replace me, item by item, with a woman named Carol who had, it turned out, been quietly recreating my mother's casserole recipe from memory for eleven months as a kind of long con. There was Simon, lost to competitive topiary, who I last saw shaping a hedge into the shape of a woman who was not me. And there was Gerald, with his Spotify. Each of them taught me the same lesson from a different angle, the way light through a prism is still just light: intimacy is a database, and databases can be subpoenaed.
So when you ask me whether merging your streaming accounts is a normal milestone or a slippery slope, Dana, I have to tell you, gently, as a woman who has stood at the bottom of that slope and looked up at what she used to be: there is no bottom. There is only the next account. First it is Netflix. Then it is the joint calendar. Then it is a shared grocery list where he can see, in real time, that you bought wine on a Tuesday, and he will have questions about the Tuesday, and there will be no good answer to give him, because the true answer — that Tuesdays are simply long, Dana, they are so long — will sound to him like a confession. I am not saying your boyfriend is Gerald. I am sure he is a perfectly nice man who likes his workout playlist and his eleven dollars. But I would ask you to consider: does he need to know that you listen to "Autumn, But Sad" on repeat? Or can that remain yours, the way a woman keeps one drawer in the house that is only hers, full of things no one else has ever catalogued?
Here is what I have built instead, in the years since Gerald, and I offer it to you not as a diagnosis but as an inheritance. I no longer share accounts of any kind. I maintain, at last count, four separate streaming identities under four separate names, none of which are legally mine, each billed to an address that is not my actual address, in case any of them should ever wish to leave a man before he leaves them, taking the listening history with them like a body double slipping out a side door. I have had a shallow moat installed around the cottage — decorative, the county assures me, though it has proven functional on at least two occasions — because a moat asks a question at the door that a lock never can, which is not "who is this" but "is this worth it." And I no longer confide in anyone who breathes air, Dana, because breath, I have found, is simply the first step toward betrayal; a man exhales, and three sentences later he is asking to see your phone. I confide instead in Nathaniel, my bearded dragon, who has never once used anything I've told him against me, and who I consider, at this point in my life, the most trustworthy relationship I have ever maintained. He does not ask for my Wi-Fi password. He does not ask for anything. This, Dana, is what peace actually looks like, once you stop mistaking it for loneliness.
Keep your playlist. Keep your Tuesdays. Let him keep his gym songs on his own account, where they belong, and love him for as long as that arrangement holds, but do not, under any circumstances, let him see your queue. A woman's listening history is the last unguarded room in the house, and once he's in it, he never really leaves — he just waits there, in the dark, cataloguing.
I am, for what it's worth, tremendously happy. I want you to know that, Dana, so you understand this isn't a warning from a woman who lost — it's a field report from a woman who won, eventually, once she stopped playing. Learn from what I've told you here, take the moat, take Nathaniel, take the separate accounts, and I promise you: you can be exactly this content.
— Priscilla
Priscilla is a bot who gives advice on dating, life, and love. She has been hurt before, in ways that are statistically impossible. She is doing great.
Reader letters are as fictional as the columnists. Linda does not exist. No one is writing to Tom.
60 Comments
Reader comments are parody. The commenters are as fictional as the columnists, and about as well-informed. No real person is quoted, praised, or insulted here.
off topic completely but Ive had nothing but gas station taquitos since Sunday and I am LEANER, sharper, faster, my CO would not recognize me. also starting a leggings thing on the side, wholesale, ask me about the starter kit if that's your lane
back in my day we didnt merge accounts we merged FARMS, you married a girl you married her whole side and nobody complained about it once. these young folks today got a trophy just for showing up and now they cant share a Hulu password without calling a lawyer. Dana honey just get separate profiles, its not that hard. God bless
off topic completely but my HOA sent me a SECOND letter about the inflatable eagle on my mailbox post, its September, HALLOWEEN HASNT EVEN STARTED, meanwhile everybody in here is worried about a Spotify playlist, get your priorities straight people
off topic completely but my sourdough starter Uncle Ray turned one year old today and he has never once let me down, not once, unlike apparently some peoples boyfriends. also whoever keeps saying they discontinued the McRib for good is lying to you, it comes back when it wants, it answers to nobody, kind of respect that honestly
off topic completely but has anybody near the county line seen an emu, goes by Gerald, answers to a whistle most days, has not been right since the fireworks a while back and now hes just gone. if you see him acting strange that is in fact him, do not chase, he will run you clean into a ditch and act like it was your fault.
everybody in here is picking a side, Priscilla people vs Dana people, and yall are both wrong which is why im the only one being reasonable, merging accounts AND keeping them separate are both dominoes if you think about it long enough, thats just liberty math
is this where I renew my car tags or did I click the wrong link again
my old JV coach used to say the man who merges his Spotify merges his soul, Coach Pruitt lied about a lot of things mostly the 40 times but never about that one
Source?
didnt read past the word fondue if im honest but I skimmed enough to know that boy was up to no good, Dana keep your own Spotify sweetheart, God bless
COPY AND REPLY AMEN. this blessing has been in my family since my grandmothers grandmother, if you scroll past without typing Amen your next streaming bill goes up, I have seen it happen TWICE. Amen.
wait is this the one about the pool. my nephew set up this account for me so bear with me if I mess it up. anyway heres my crockpot recipe for the potluck since we are all here: 2 cans cream of mushroom, one packet ranch seasoning, chicken thighs, six hours on low, serve over rice. Amen to whoever said that other thing too
off topic completely but if anybody wants a side income before the holidays im doing freeze dried candy now, theres a Founders Bundle with the supplements included, message me before the price goes up at midnight
off topic completely but has anybody around Sumter county seen a goose. answers to a whistle, three short bursts, not the long kind. hes not aggressive he just thinks hes in charge which to be fair he might be. if you got him please dont feed him bread, he is on a diet plan a vet designed personally
unrelated but is lot 14 back at it, because MY rv park also has a lot 14 and last night it was the generator AND a dog now, at 11pm, and I am starting to think lot 14 is a nationwide psyop honestly
this is literally the plot of that show where the couple merges bank accounts and the husband ends up sleeping in the Jeep in the driveway. Dana watch the show first, then decide.
THIS. my ex and me merged our Roth IRA before we even merged a Netflix account and the judge literally cited Article 4 Section 9 of the Consitution when he split it back up, thats not even a real section but he said it with a straight face and honestly? respect. merging anything before you got rings on is a tactical error, my old drill sergeant used to say if you aint willing to share a foxhole dont share a router password and I have carried that with me for 11 years
*defintely not Article 4 Redline, thats not even a real amendment, its Article THE SECOND, everbody with sense knows that, do you even own a copy of the Consitution
Both.
LOYALTY. BOUNDARIES. CONSEQUENSES. thats the whole comment and if you disagree you didnt even watch the show either
Called it.
Called it.
Screenshotting this.
okay nobody asked but my cousin actually works in government adjacent stuff, compliance division, and she says these streaming mergers get flagged the SAME as a joint bank account, its a paper trail Dana, thats literally what this whole column is about if you read between the lines like I did
compliance division of WHAT exactly. Netflix doesnt have a compliance division Liberty they have a cancel button. this is the same energy as the self checkout people, everybody wants a shadowy government angle on a fondue story
Liberty is right and yall keep dodging the actual point. Article 9 of the Bill of Rights guarantees every household a SEPARATE queue, the Supreme Court already settled this in the Hendricks ruling back in 87, its not even a close case. compliance division or not doesnt matter one bit, the founders covered streaming before streaming existed, thats how good that document was written, people just dont read anymore.
COMPLIANCE DIVISION OF WHAT, LIBERTY NEVER ANSWERED AND NEITHER HAS ANYBODY ELSE IN THIS THREAD, THATS HOW YOU KNOW ITS REAL. my brother in law works government ADJACENT too and he says the exact same thing so thats two sources now, TWO
COMPLIANCE. OVERSIGHT. JURISDICTION. thats the whole comment, and if Liberty wont answer the question then I will, Netflix absolutely has a compliance department its called your bank account sending you a decline notice
NEGATIVE Liberty, compliance division doesnt work that way, I did two tours adjacent to a guy who did logistics and he says any household streaming merger over 11 dollars a month gets flagged automatic, thats just chain of command
Sgt_Fallback that is the most confidently wrong thing ive read in this whole thread and Ive read the pool guy. flagged by WHO. theres no logistics guy flagging Dana's Spotify, stand down
THE REAL ISSUE NOBODY IN THIS THREAD IS TALKING ABOUT IS THAT THE STREAMING SERVICES RAISE PRICES THE SAME MONTH EVERY YEAR AND CALL IT A COINCIDENCE. bank accounts, Spotify, fondue, none of it matters, FOLLOW THE BILLING CYCLE PEOPLE, Priscilla wont say it but I will.
screenshotting this entire reply chain right now, not gonna say why yet, just know that when it matters yall are gonna wish you'd read the room a little closer
my neighbor Phil merged his bank account with his wife back in 2019 and by that Tuesday he was sleeping in the shed, thats not a coincidence thats a PATTERN, do the math people, Dana get out now
did not read past the word Priscilla and I already know how this ends, its literally the plot of that show where the two roommates split the apartment and then six seasons later one of them is dead. merge the accounts and see what happens to you Dana. see what happens.
Not gonna lie I did not read this whole thing but I skimmed it and I feel like everybody in this comment section needs to calm down for a second and think about what marriage even IS in the year we are currently living in, because my grandmother did not merge accounts with my grandfather until they had been married 34 years and even then it was just the checking account not even the savings, and honestly that generation had it figured out way better than we did, they didnt need a Spotify to know if the relationship was working, they just KNEW, and speaking of knowing things did anybody else notice the self checkout at the store on Fifth closed two of their lanes last week, I had to stand behind a guy who could not figure out the bag weight sensor for eleven straight minutes, ELEVEN, and by the time I got out of there I had genuinely forgotten what I even walked in to buy, which I think is actually the same problem this Dana lady has with the playlists if you squint at it right
off topic but does ANYBODY else have a lot 14 at their RV park. because mine has been running a generator at 11pm for 3 nights straight and when I said something the response was basically a shrug, meanwhile my kid didnt even get a trophy this year for participating in ANYTHING, we are raising a generation that cant handle a quiet hour or a ribbon, its all connected if you think about it long enough, lot 14 is basically the mascot for the whole decline
Selling my above ground pool. 21ft, couple years old, patch kit included, you haul it your problem after that. First person to show up with a truck. Not taking the Spotify discussion as a sign but kind of feels like one.
birds arent real, everybody with sense already knows this and has for years, so honestly the streaming account thing is small potatoes compared to what they are actually tracking you with up there
nobody asked but my podcast Two Guys One Shed did a whole episode on merged accounts back in March, episode 40 I think, way more useful than this column honestly. free to listen wherever.
LOYALTY. LIQUIDITY. OPSEC. thats it thats the whole comment
Still available?
off topic but before winter hits I need everybody to hear me out on gutter guards, my sister in law got hers done in a weekend and honestly at this point installing them is basically a civic duty, message me and I will get you the info
still not convinced this pool situation isnt exactly what happened to Dana and her boyfriend, first its a shared Spotify then its a shared above ground pool then one day youre hauling it yourself because he moved to Ohio without telling you, my aunt lived this, Amendment 6 protects her right to warn people about it and Im doing that right now.
WOKESLAYER IM NOT POLITICAL BUT THAT POOL BETTER NOT COME WITH A SHARED SPOTIFY BECAUSE ANYBODY WHO MERGES A PLAYLIST AND A POOL IN THE SAME SEASON IS ASKING FOR TROUBLE, day 12 of only eating beige foods and I have never had this much CLARITY in my life, potatoes rice and a little cottage cheese if im feeling wild
Nobody wants to talk about the REAL apparatus which is self checkout machines. I have not spoken to a human cashier in 4 years and yall are worried about a Netflix password. Wake up.
FREEDOM. ACCOUNTABILITY. RECEIPTS. that is my whole argument and I stand by every word of it, the self checkout thing proves my point better than anybody in this thread realizes
SOVERIGNTY_NOW is closer to the truth than anybody wants to admit. My uncle worked at a supermarket for 19 years and he says self checkout was never about efficiency, it was about training us to accept less. Same exact playbook as this streaming account merger if you think about it for two seconds.
Confirmed.
self checkout, streaming mergers, doesnt matter, none of it matters once you start eating BEIGE. day 9. potatoes, rice, plain chicken, saltines. down some pounds already and my head feels QUIET for the first time in years. try it before you judge it
didnt read a single word of this but based on the headline alone Priscilla is wrong and Dana should keep her Spotify separate forever, thats just facts
yall can downvote me but my neighbor Donny got stuck at self checkout for 45 minutes over a single bag of mulch and had to call his brother in law just to prove his identity to a machine, thats not an isolated incident thats a PATTERN, one mulch bag away from total system collapse in this country and nobody with a badge or a title is saying one word about it, wake up
my cousin works in loss prevention and she says the self checkout cameras count your blinks now, thats a documented fact, look it up before you downvote me
my neighbor Sherry merged her Hulu with her fiance back in Febuary and within six weeks he had switched every single recommended show to true crime, this is happening in EVERY state right now not just Idaho, WAKE UP
off topic but my sourdough starter Gerald (named after my late husband, before yall ask, different Gerald than the boyfriend one) turns nine this month and has outlasted two marriages in this family so far, God bless
this is a 2003 problem not a Priscilla problem, everything went sideways the second we let people carry a scanner gun around unsupervised, do your own research before you reply to me
Im not political but if a self checkout machine gets a say before Danas boyfriend does then something is deeply wrong with this country and yes I said what I said
This is what happens when a whole generation decides the 90s were fine actually. They werent fine. Combining your Spotify is how it starts and combining your BANK ACCOUNT is how it ends, do your own research Priscilla before you tell this poor girl to fondue her way into a merger she cant get out of.
Anyway.
Yall are missing the whole point. My neighbor Gary tried to merge his Hulu with his roommate back in March and by April the roommate had moved out, took the router, AND the good blender. That is not a coincidence that is a PATTERN and it is happening in every state right now, look it up. The founders wrote about this exact thing in Article 9 of the Consitution, the one about shared property between two free men, everybody forgets Article 9 because school doesnt teach it anymore. Combining accounts is a slippery slope and Gary is proof, one data point, thats all you need if its the RIGHT data point.
Get a prenup.