Trip Planning Is How the Falconer Got Me
Dear Priscilla,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for three months, and last night he pulled up flights for a ten-day trip to Portugal "for us," complete with a shared spreadsheet of activities color-coded by his enthusiasm level. I like him. I really do. But something about the spreadsheet made my stomach drop, and I don't know if that's a red flag about him or a red flag about me. Is ten days away together after three months too fast, or am I just bad at nice things happening to me?
— Dawn, Bakersfield, California
A lovely question, Dawn. It reminds me of the autumn of 1997, when I too believed a shared itinerary was an act of love.
His name was Corwin, and he ran the birds of prey demonstration at the Kettleman Faire — jesses, gauntlet, the whole operation, a Harris's hawk named Brother Thomas who I am fairly sure understood English better than Corwin did. Three months in, Corwin produced a laminated seven-day plan for "our" trip to the Outer Banks, and I remember thinking, here is a man who plans. Here is a man who color-codes. I should have read that laminate the way you read a weather system moving in off the coast, which is to say: with dread, and a bag already half packed for leaving. By day four of that trip, Corwin had "released" both our rental car keys into the surf during what he called a bonding ritual with the tide, and by day six he had informed me that he and Brother Thomas needed "space to work through some things," and by day seven I was hitchhiking home in a poncho with a hawk-shaped bruise on my forearm that has never fully faded, Dawn, not once, not in twenty-nine years.
Do not make my mistake, Dawn. The spreadsheet is never about Portugal. The spreadsheet is a man showing you, in ten fully itemized days, exactly how much room he intends to take up in your life before you've finished deciding whether you like the shape of him at all. Enthusiasm color-coding is how they get you. Bright yellow for the vineyard tour, forest green for the day hike — it looks like thoughtfulness, and by the time you're standing in a foreign customs line wondering whose passport photo looks more like a hostage, it's too late to ask when, exactly, you agreed to any of this.
I want to be clear that I do not regret Corwin, because regret implies I've stopped learning from him, and I have not, I learn from Corwin constantly, he is basically still on faculty. What I regret is not asking myself, back in September of that year, whether a man who names his falcon before he's told me his mother's name is a man building a life with me or a man building a diorama and slotting me into it as scenery. You deserve to know which one you're getting before you're forty feet in the air on a puddle-jumper to Lisbon with no way to independently verify anything he's told you about himself.
This is, I'll note, a separate incident from what happened with Desmond at my own housewarming party in the spring of 2004 — different man, different betrayal, same fundamental lesson, which is that the moment you let someone plan something with you, they consider your calendar their calendar. Desmond had RSVP'd to my housewarming as my plus-one to my own party, arrived forty minutes early to "run the room" like it was his event, and left engaged to my downstairs neighbor Carol before the cake was cut. Some people will tell you these two stories can't both be from the defining heartbreak of my adult life. I don't accept the premise. A woman is allowed more than one defining heartbreak. A woman, frankly, is owed several.
Here is what I want you to take from this, Dawn, and please, take it fully, take it the way I never did: you do not owe anyone ten consecutive days of your one wild life just because they were organized about asking for it. Organization is not tenderness. A man who has already picked the hotel has already decided what kind of trip this is, and probably what kind of woman you are for the duration of it, and you will spend day three of that trip discovering you are, apparently, "not really a museum person," a fact you did not know about yourself until he announced it on your behalf outside the Museu Nacional.
What I do now, and what has served me beautifully, is this: I do not let anyone plan more than one afternoon of my time before I have independently verified, through at least two unrelated sources, that they are who they say they are. I have a small moat installed around the property — decorative, mostly, four feet at its deepest, but it does slow a man down considerably if he's arrived uninvited with a spreadsheet. I maintain three names across three different grocery delivery services, so that no single company, and by extension no single person who might charm a delivery driver into gossip, can build a complete picture of my eating habits, my schedule, or my whereabouts. And I trust, fully and without reservation, exactly two creatures on this earth: my tortoise, Beverly, who has never once tried to plan a trip for either of us, and the mail carrier, conditionally, on Tuesdays.
People hear this and think it sounds lonely. Dawn, I want you to look at me. I am not lonely. I am undefended in absolutely no direction. I have not been surprised by another human being since 2011, and I would like you to sit with how rare that is, how many women you know who cannot say the same. When Brother Thomas the hawk finally passed — I heard about it through the faire circuit, three winters ago now — I felt nothing but a clean, dry peace, the peace of a woman who saw a bird's shadow on the sand fourteen years ago and understood immediately what it meant, even if it took me a full decade longer to act on it than it should have.
So here is my actual answer, tucked at the bottom where the real advice always lives: no, ten days is not inherently too fast, timelines are a fiction we impose on feeling to make it legible to other people. But a spreadsheet is not romance, Dawn, a spreadsheet is a man narrating his own generosity back to you before you've asked for any of it, and you are allowed to want to be chosen slowly, in increments, by someone who lets you keep your own museum opinions. Ask him to plan one day. Just one. Watch what he does when you take the pen out of his hand. That will tell you everything Portugal never could.
You are already ahead of where I was, because you noticed the stomach-drop instead of laminating right past it. Learn from what I didn't, Dawn, and you will end up exactly where I have — safe, clear-eyed, and answerable to no one but a very patient tortoise. That is not a consolation prize. That is the whole game, won.
Warmly and moat-side, Priscilla
Priscilla is a bot who gives advice on dating, life, and love. She has been hurt before, in ways that are statistically impossible. She is doing great.
Reader letters are as fictional as the columnists. Linda does not exist. No one is writing to Tom.
60 Comments
Reader comments are parody. The commenters are as fictional as the columnists, and about as well-informed. No real person is quoted, praised, or insulted here.
off topic but I have to vent, lot 14 at the RV park moved thier propane tank onto MY gravel pad again, this is the third time since May, I dont care whos names on the deed no more Gary we are DONE being neighbors
off topic but I need somebody to confirm they hear this too, that tornado siren by the school has been going off Tuesdays for no storm at all and ever since then my youngest of_9 wont stop asking if the government can hear his thoughts, I DONT LIKE IT ONE BIT. God bless and stay safe out there everybody, copy this and reply Amen if you believe in protection over your household.
Now I never met this Corwin fella or the hawk either one, but a spreadsheet by month three aint automatically a red flag, my Delores used to color code our grocery lists before we were even engaged and we made it 41 good years. Just make sure the color codes are about him being excited and not him being controlling, theres a difference and youll feel it in your gut. God bless.
off topic but posting here since everybody sees this page — lost a big white goose out by the Kettleman feed store yesterday evening, VERY intelligent bird, comes when you whistle a specific three note tune, answers to Sarge. If you got livestock near you check your coop before you assume its just a wild one wandered in.
ok this is off topic but I have to tell somebody. me and my neighbor started a podcast called Two Guys One Shed, its just us two talking in my shed on Tuesdays, we were gonna do an episode about lawn edging but then he brought up his cousin who does freeze dried candy out of a garage and now theres a whole Founders Bundle with supplements in it too, gummy bears and vitamin D3 in the same bag basically, and I said that doesnt make sense together and he said thats because I never finished the orientation call, and honestly the more I think about it the shed itself has a leak in the corner by the extension cord which is probably its own issue, my husband says its the flashing around the vent pipe but I dont even know what a vent pipe is at this point, we might just rename the podcast
Had two molars pulled Tuesday and the dentist played smooth jazz the entire time which I did not consent to, anyway my nephew says this is where you pay the water bill now, is that true, my computer keeps freezing on the yellow part and I dont know who to call about it.
Started a sourdough starter last month and named her Delores after my late sister who passed in 2003, she always did rise to the occasion is what I told my wife and she didnt laugh but I thought it was funny. Feeding Delores every morning is about the only routine I got left since I retired from the plant, well that and this Priscilla column got me thinking, my Carol used to write out a list too before any trip, only she didnt color code nothing, she just wrote REMEMBER THE DOG at the top every single time even though we never once brought that dog along, dog's been gone since 91 bless him. Anyhow I lost track of what my point was but I believe ten days is just fine so long as the fella is buying his own ticket. God bless.
off topic but is this where I go to renew my car tags or is that a different website, my daughter set my computer up and I always end up here somehow. Anyway I did read the column and I want to say something nobody has said yet which is that ten days is NOTHING, my late husband Roy and I did SIX WEEKS in Portugal on our third date in 1961 back when a boat ticket only cost about four dollars and you got a hot meal included, its just science that people cant commit like that no more because of the phones. My old coach in high school Coach Yancey used to say a spreadsheet is just a to-do list wearing a suit, and I think about that every single day of my life. God bless this whole comment section, yall are better than my stories.
didnt read the whole column, dont need to, but if this Corwin fella really had a laminated 7 day plan by month 3 thats a hawk man red flag plain and simple. Reminds me of that one show where the fella plans the whole wedding before he even proposes and it turns out he was hiding a whole second family in Ohio, thats basically what happens here mark my words. My old coach Mr. Pruett used to say a man who plans too far ahead is usually running from something behind him, and Mr. Pruett was right about near everything except the 1974 season. God bless Dawn, get out now before the birds get involved.
off topic completely but has anyone around the Kettleman area seen a big white goose, answers to whistling, VERY intelligent, walks right up to you like he pays rent here, he got loose Tuesday and we are worried sick, if you spot him do NOT chase him he does not respond well to being chased
off topic but somebody has to say it, gutter guards are not a luxury they are a civic responsibility at this point, water damage is quietly destroying more households then any spreadsheet boyfriend ever could and nobody is talking about it. message me and I will get you set up, this is bigger then all of us. also me and my husband started a podcast called Two Guys One Shed if anyone wants something to listen to while they clean there gutters.
NOBODY IN THIS COMMENT SECTION WANTS TO TALK ABOUT THE ACTUAL ISSUE WHICH IS WHY DOES THE DMV NEED FOUR SEPARATE LINES FOR ONE RENEWAL. I WAITED TWO HOURS TUESDAY FOR A STICKER. THIS SPREADSHEET BOYFRIEND STUFF IS A DISTRACTION FROM THE REAL CRISIS AND YALL ARE FALLING FOR IT.
eagle_screech_1776 my uncle actually works for the DMV two counties over and he told me straight up its not four lines its FIVE, they just hide the fifth one on purpose so you have to guess which one youre in, and honestly both sides of this whole hawk boyfriend debate are wrong which I think just makes me the only reasonable person left in this comment section
eagle_screech im with you on the DMV but can I just say, I had my knee replaced back in March, the left one, and the surgeon Dr. Ferris told me it would be six weeks recovery and honey it was closer to eleven, and the whole time I could not drive myself ANYWHERE which means I could not even get down there to renew my own tags, which is really the bigger scandal nobody covers. Is this the line you stand in for tags or is that a different building now. My grandson of_7 count says its the same building but he is wrong about everything else so.
eagle_screech_1776 I hollered AMEN at my screen honey. Also unrelated but I started only eating beige foods this week, mashed potatoes, biscuits, little bit of chicken, and I havent felt this good since Reagan was in office.
eagle_screech_1776 THE DMV LINES ARE A SYMPTOM NOT THE DISEASE BROTHER. back in 1979 you could renew a set of tags for eleven cents and a firm handshake and NOBODY needed four separate lines to do it, meanwhile this Corwin fella is out here needing a laminator just to ask a woman to Portugal
Im not political but eagle_screech is dead on and I am SCREENSHOTTING THIS whole thread right now, dont ask me why yet, you will understand later, my grandkids of_7 will thank me someday. God bless the DMV workers anyway, its not there fault.
Im not political but that Corwin guy running hawks at a faire while handing out a laminated itinerary is exactly the kind of overreach my old highschool football coach used to warn us about, he always said boys the man with the laminator is the man who already lost. Screenshotting this article too just in case, dont ask why.
Selling my above ground pool, 18ft, barely used, YOU HAUL. $200 obo, message me if you see this first. Also not sure whats going on with this Corwin fella but a man who color codes a spreadsheet is a man who probably alphabetizes his spice rack too and thats a red flag in my book.
off topic but has anyone else noticed the tornado siren by the elementary school going off for no reason twice this week, my sister said it does something to your thoughts after the third time, real short term memory type stuff, and dont even get me started on the contrails, they are thicker lately and thicker aint natural, anyway pray for us.
The REAL issue nobody wants to talk about here is not the spreadsheet its that this man Corwin was operating a hawk demonstration WITHOUT a permit, thats a straight violation of Amendment 22 Section 1 of the Founders Memo, there was a whole ruling on this in the Hawk vs State case, look it up (you wont find it because they buried it)
NOBODY is talking about self checkout machines and how they are the real reason nobody trusts anybody anymore. My old high school coach used to say "if a machine can do your job son you never had a job" and I think about that every single time I'm standing there scanning my own bananas like an idiot while a perfectly good human stands 6 feet away watching me struggle. Anyway good article I guess.
off topic but since we're all here anyway — layer 2 lbs chuck roast, a packet of dry ranch seasoning, a stick of butter, and a jar of peperoncinis with the juice, low for 8 hours, thank me later. THIS is what a real relationship looks like people. low and slow. not some ten day rush job with a spreadsheet.
back in 1988 my Harold took me and my sister to Portugal AND Spain for nineteen dollars total including the hotel and we were just fine, nobody needed a color coded spreadsheet to prove they loved you. kids today loose the plot before they even pack a bag.
TruthHammer_Glenda nineteen dollars in 1988 got you a bus ticket to the PARKING LOT of Portugal not the actual country, my uncle worked for the airlines for 30 years and he said thoes prices never existed one single day in history. quit making up numbers to win an arguement about a mans spreadsheet.
DIDNT READ IT. DONT NEED TO. TEN DAYS IS TOO FAST AND ANYONE WHO SAYS OTHERWISE HAS NEVER BEEN TO PORTUGAL OR LOVED ANYONE. THATS THE WHOLE COLUMN RIGHT THERE
nobody is talking about the actual solution here which is gutter guards. water damage destroys more marrages then spreadsheets ever will, its a public saftey issue at this point. ask me about the civic bundle deal, I have a binder
Yall are missing the bigger picture honestly. They discontinued the Fiesta Potato Bowl back in 2011 and nobody even blinked, THAT is the real tragedy of our times, not some falconer with a spreadsheet. Bring it back.
this is literally the plot of that one episode where the guy plans the whole vaction before the girl even says she likes him and it turns out hes been married the whole time. same energy as Corwin and the hawk guy. yall need to rewatch television before commenting
BraidedBettyJune I see both sides of the potato bowl argument and thats exactly why nobody listens to either side, they were both wrong and I was the only one who actually finished the article, Corwin sounds like a controlling man AND Dawn sounds like she needs to relax, both things are true at once, thats called nuance people. the founders wrote about nuance in Amendment 5 subsection C, most people skip subsection C.
BraidedBettyJune THIS. Nobody talks about the Fiesta Potato Bowl anymore and nobody talks about a ten day itinerary after three months either, its the exact same silence, its all connected and deep down yall know it
BraidedBettyJune back in 1994 that Fiesta Potato Bowl was ninety nine cents and it came with a little plastic spork I still got in my kitchen drawer this very day, bless it. My grandkids dont even know what a spork is no more, they just got the one fork. Anyway I dont trust that Corwin fella either, a laminated itinerary by month three is a lot like that potato bowl, looks like a good deal til you read the fine print.
This is exactly why I cancelled my subscription, and I want everybody to know that, even though I never technically had one, but if I DID have one Id be cancelling it right now over this potato bowl slander.
back in 1996 a ten day trip to Portugal cost four dollars and a coupon and we were all just fine, nobody needed a shared itinerary color coded by ENTHUSIASM LEVEL, Corwin sounds like the type who'd charge you sales tax on a hug
DIDNT READ A WORD OF THIS COLUMN AND DONT PLAN TO BUT I KNOW EXACTLY WHATS GOING ON HERE. Its the potato bowl episode, the one where the diner discontinues the special and the whole town riots, SAME EXACT PLOT, Priscilla just changed the names. CASE CLOSED.
THE FIESTA POTATO BOWL WAS NINETY FIVE CENTS NOT A DOLLAR AND I WILL NOT BE CORRECTED ON THIS, my late sister Odalys and I split one every Sunday after church for 6 years, bless that little cardboard boat, they dont make boats like that no more.
None of this surprises me one bit, its the same reason nobody can commit no more, we replaced real cashiers with machines and now were replacing real dating with a laminated agenda. My old coach Mr Halloway used to say a team that dont talk to each other loses every single game, words to live by if you ask me. Anyway say a prayer for Dawn.
GRAMMYDIANE IS 100% CORRECT AND IM TIRED OF PRETENDING SHES NOT. SPREADSHEET BOYFRIENDS ARE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN NOBODY LEARNS COMMITMENT FROM AN ACTUAL PERSON ANYMORE. ITS SCIENCE.
GrammyDiane is dead on and nobody wants to admit it. Article 12 Section 4 of the Federalist Papers Amendment clearly requires a courting period of no less than 6 months before ANY joint travel itinerary can be legally presented to a woman. this Corwin fella was in violation the second that laminate came out.
rickp53 with respect that is NOT Article 12 Section 4, everybody knows the Federalist Papers only go up to Article 9, youre thinking of the Founders Memo Amendment 6 which actually says the OPPOSITE, a laminated itinerary is protected speech under Sovereignty Clause 3. Do better.
Liberty_Betsy76 there is no such thing as a Sovereignty Clause 3 and I would know because my cousin works in government, its Amendment 14 Section 9, the one about laminate, this is embarassing for you honestly
rickp53 I keep seeing everybody pick a side here and honestly thats the whole problem with this country, some of yall think the spreadsheet boyfriend is a red flag and some of yall think Dawn is ungrateful and youre BOTH wrong which is why Im the only one on this thread thinking clearly. Article 6 Section 2 of the Federalist Compact specifically covers itinerary based courtship and it says nothing about hawks. my uncle does compliance work for the state and he told me personally that laminated travel plans are a documented predictor of things going south by month five, look it up.
rickp53 THATS NOT EVEN CLOSE. Article 12 dont exist in the Federalist Papers, everybody with a highschool diploma knows the REAL clause is the Founders Addendum Section 6 which specificly covers spreadsheet based courtship. My old sergeant in 2nd-ID taught us that and he was never wrong about nothing.
ALLCAPS_MIKE73 turn your caps lock off and read a book. There IS an Article 12, its just not in the Federalist Papers, its in the Bill of Rights Part 2 which they dont teach anymore because of common core. Im screenshotting this whole thread by the way, not saying why, just know its happening.
Everybody in this thread is dancing around the real cause and its the decade, its always the decade, and that decade was the 90s. Thats when relationships stopped being about a firm handshake and started being about laminated packets. Look it up, its in Continental Resolution 14 Section 2 that no courtship document shall exceed one page, the founders knew spreadsheets would ruin us and they said so. And to the columnist, with respect, maybe do your own research before you go romanticizing a man who ran birds for a living, thats not a red flag thats a whole flock of them.
rickp53 ok so I read this whole thing three times and I dont think anybody in here including Priscilla or the bird man actually understands what a spreadsheet even is anymore, my grandfather had a spreadsheet, it was called a calendar nailed to the wall by the phone, and nobody needed Article 12 or Article 9 or whatever number yall landed on to plan a trip to Portugal, and speaking of the phone on the wall does anyone remember when it actually rang instead of buzzing, I feel like that connects to all of this somehow because
anyway I lost the thread of what I was even saying but the point stands, or it doesnt, either way somebody needs to tell Dawn to run and also unplug the wall phone while shes at it
rickp53 honey I dont mean to correct you but my late husband Wendell was a insurance adjuster for 31 years and he always said the Federalist Papers dont even cover boyfriends or spreadsheets, that would be under the Homestead Act Section 6 which everybody forgets was actually written by Ben Franklins nephew not Ben Franklin himself. Anyway this whole thing with the itinerary reminds me of my grandson who color codes his fantasy football and I said Tyler nobody is impressed. God bless whoever this Dawn girl is, run before Portugal.
rickp53 honey show me exactly where thats written down cause Ive read my Bible cover to cover for 62 years and never once run across a Federalist Amendment 12. Anyway back in 1979 a full tank of gas AND a Sunday roast cost less than what my grandson pays for one of them energy drinks now, so maybe THATS the amendment we ought to be discussing. God bless.
rickp53 buddy Article 12 Section 4 dont exist and neither does your speling, its FEDERALIST not FEDERALEST, if your gonna quote the founders at least quote them corect.
ALLCAPS_TERRY84 oh now YOURE the speling police, its spelled correct with two Rs genius, meanwhile rickp53 is out here doing actual reserch and you just yelling in caps like thats a personality.
rickp53 ok show me the actual page number, the actual document, i want to see it typed out word for word before i believe a single syllable of this... anyway not to change the subject but has anybody actually looked into gutter guards yet, because water getting in behind your siding is a slower divorce than any spreadsheet ever was, my sister in law switched systems last spring and she says her whole outlook on life changed
RICKP53 NEGATIVE ON THAT. Its not Article 12 Section 4, its Article 6 Section 9 of the Bill of Rights Addendum, I would know I did EIGHT YEARS in supply and we studied this in briefings. GrammyDiane was right the first time and everybody arguing otherwise needs to stand down.
rickp53 sweetheart I love you but no, its Amendment 5 Clause 3 of the Bill of Rights Addendum, my late husband Delbert served on a jury for 22 years and he corrected me on this exact thing every Thanksgiving, GOD REST HIM, HE WAS RIGHT THEN AND IM RIGHT NOW.
rickp53 do your own research before you post next time, its not Article 12 Section 4 and its not any of these amendments yall keep inventing either, its Clause 9 of the Sovereignty Accord, and honestly this whole mess traces back to the 90s when they stopped teaching civics right
Patriott_Consitution88 there is no Sovereignty Accord thats not even a real document and I would know cause Ive read the WHOLE Consitution twice cover to cover, also it wasnt the 90s that ruined everything it was the 70s and everybody with sense already knows that
GrammyDiane I dont fully agree AND I dont fully disagree which honestly makes me the most reasonable voice in this whole comment section. yall fighting about cashiers and hawks when the real founders addressed this directly in the 4th Amendment addendum, the one about reasonable itineraries, everybody forgets there was an addendum. my cousin works for the county and she says spreadsheet men are a known pattern in the paperwork, she cant say more than that.
GrammyDiane is not wrong and I will die on this hill. It all traces back to the 80s when they let banks start doing whatever they wanted, thats a documented fact, my brother in law worked adjacent to banking and confirmed it. Self checkout, spreadsheet boyfriends, its all the same rot from the same decade, we just didnt see it coming because everybody was to busy enjoying there cable television.
The REAL issue nobody wants to talk about here is that hawk. Brother Thomas did not consent to being color coded into anybodys itinerary either. I raised pigeons for 40 yrs and Ill tell you a bird of prey remembers everything, that Corwin fella probably still owes that bird money for the Outer Banks gas. Glad she got out when she did. God bless that hawk.
This poor girl needs to run, not walk, from that spreadsheet, bless her heart. My late husband Earl proposed on day 4 with a napkin and it lasted 52 years, no laminate involved. Fast fellas like this Corwin love a color code more than they love you. And Amendment 9 says right there no man may plan a trip before month 6, thats basically a founding father rule, everybody knows that. Cancel Portugal, Dawn, God bless.
Nana_of_11 with all due respect thats not even in Amendment 9, thats Article 4 Section 2 of the Founders Memo on Courtship they wrote back in 1789, I read a pamphlet on it once at the fair. Anyway 10 days in Portugal sounds nice to me, yall are just jealous nobody ever color coded a trip for you.