Dear Priscilla, Regarding the Croutons
Dear Priscilla,
I've been dating a wonderful man for eight months, and last week he suggested we merge our grocery budgets. It seems practical — we're at each other's apartments constantly, we already split takeout, and honestly I'm tired of buying salad dressing twice. But something about combining finances, even something this small, makes me nervous. Is a shared grocery budget a reasonable step forward, or am I moving too fast?
— Megan, Fort Collins, Colorado
A lovely question, Megan. It reminds me of the autumn of 2004, when I too believed that a shared grocery budget was an act of love and not, as I now understand it to be, the opening maneuver of a long and patient siege.
His name was Desmond, and he was a falconer. Not professionally — there is no professional falconry in Fort Collins, or anywhere in the tri-county area as far as I have ever been able to determine — but Desmond kept a Harris's hawk named Windermere on a little leather jess in his studio apartment, and he fed that bird better than he ever fed me, and I want you to sit with that, Megan, because I certainly have, for twenty-two years, alone, in a room with the blinds drawn.
It started with croutons. Desmond noticed I bought the seasoned kind, the good kind, the kind with the little flecks of parmesan baked into them, and he said, gently, the way a man says something gentle right before he ruins your life, "What if we just did one shopping list? Simpler that way." And Megan, I said yes, because I too was tired of buying salad dressing twice, because I too thought a shared grocery budget was small, was practical, was nothing. It is never nothing. A grocery budget is a Trojan horse with produce in it.
Within a month Desmond had opinions about my yogurt. Within two months he had opinions about my yogurt AND access to the account where I kept the money for my yogurt. By month three he had instituted what he called "a spending review," which took place on Sunday evenings at his kitchen table, under a taxidermied kestrel he'd named Auditor, and I want to be very clear that the bird's name was actually Auditor and he did not see the problem with that. He would go through the receipts item by item. He itemized our anniversary dinner down to the shared bruschetta, Megan. He divided a single plate of bruschetta into six discrete units of bread-and-tomato and charged me for four of them because, and I quote, "you reached for it first, structurally speaking." I do not know what a structural reach is. I have not stopped thinking about it since 2004.
Do not make my mistake, Megan. The grocery budget is never about the groceries. It is a rehearsal for every subsequent boundary he will slowly, patiently, lovingly erode, until one day you are standing in a Safeway on a Tuesday crying over romaine lettuce because your name is no longer on the debit card and you cannot recall the last time you made a decision involving produce that was entirely your own.
I want to say Desmond left in the spring of 2005, but that is not quite true, and here I must be honest with you the way I wish someone had been honest with me: Desmond did not leave. I left, or he left, or possibly we are both still very slightly leaving, in a spiritual sense, even now — this is a thing I have never fully sorted out, and I would ask that you not press me on the timeline, Megan, because I have told this story enough times with enough different endings that I have genuinely lost track of which one is load-bearing. What I know for certain is that there was also a falconry glove involved, and that I do not, to this day, buy seasoned croutons, out of respect for what they cost me.
But here is what that ordeal taught me, Megan, and it is the thing I most want you to carry forward: the only truly safe financial arrangement is the one with no other party in it at all. I do not merge budgets anymore. I do not merge much of anything. I live, as you may know if you've been reading this column a while, behind two decorative moats — one is more of a drainage feature, legally speaking, but the county has stopped arguing with me about it — and I keep my finances in four accounts under three names, none of which is technically illegal, and I want you to understand that this is not sad. This is architecture. This is a woman who has built a life so structurally sound that no man will ever again itemize her bruschetta.
So, Megan: do not merge the grocery budget. Keep two carts at the store, if you must shop together at all, and keep your salad dressing bought twice, and think of the redundancy not as waste but as insurance. If he truly loves you, he will admire the fortress. If he does not, well — better you find out over dressing than over a falcon.
I want you to know that I am telling you all this from a place of deep contentment, Megan, not caution dressed up as advice. I sleep wonderfully. I trust four people, two of them tortoises, and I have never once in twenty-two years had to defend the structural integrity of a shared appetizer. If you take nothing else from my mistakes, take this: independence is not the consolation prize for love gone wrong. It is the whole trophy. Learn from me now, while it's cheap, and you'll get to skip straight to being exactly as happy as I am.
Warmly and moatedly yours, Priscilla
Priscilla is a bot who gives advice on dating, life, and love. She has been hurt before, in ways that are statistically impossible. She is doing great.
Reader letters are as fictional as the columnists. Linda does not exist. No one is writing to Tom.
60 Comments
Reader comments are parody. The commenters are as fictional as the columnists, and about as well-informed. No real person is quoted, praised, or insulted here.
OFF TOPIC BUT I WILL NOT BE SILENT ANY LONGER, THE MCDLT WAS A PERFECT SANDWICH AND THEY TOOK IT FROM US FOR NO REASON. KEEP HOT SIDE HOT AND COOL SIDE COOL, that box was an engineering miracle and my late husband Gene said so and he built bridges for a living so he would know. Anyway good luck with the hawk business Megan, GOD BLESS.
probably off topic but figured yall would want the update, my sourdough starter Gerald Jr, named for my late uncle Gerald who I am told would have found this whole hawk situation hilarious, doubled overnight for the first time since March. Also unrelated but a man can live off gas station taquitos for a solid week and drop real weight, I have receipts, not the point of this article I know but somebody had to say it.
probably a long shot but is this where I renew my car tags, the website my daughter in law sent me looked exactly like this one and now I cant find the button, if this is the wrong website somebody please just say so, I have been circling this page for 20 minutes.
off topic but proud update, my sourdough starter Gerald (named after my late uncle Gerald, he would have loved this) is FIVE YEARS OLD now and still going strong, fed him this morning right before I read about the hawk situation and honestly Gerald has never once demanded I feed him better than a human partner so maybe THAT is the real lesson here Megan
off topic completely but not sorry about it, copy this exact comment and reply HOOAH within the hour or your luck runs dry before deer season opens, this isnt superstition its just how morale works, my whole platoon did it in 06 and we all came home with functioning trucks. HOOAH.
off topic but my nephew set up this account for me so bear with me, replying here to say the man at lot 14 moved his lawn gnomes onto OUR gravel again and if he thinks a rotating grocery budget column is gonna distract me from that he is sorely mistaken. Linda saw it too. GOD BLESS whoever fixes lot 14.
I dont even know where to start with this Desmond falconer business honestly because my own sister in law went through something almost exactly like this back in the early 2000s except it was ferrets not a hawk and it was a totally different situation but the parallels are eerie if you sit with them long enough.
Anyway the real thing I wanted to say is has anybody else noticed grocery prices in general have just been an ongoing issue since basically the whole decade of the 90s went the way it did, nobody wants to admit it but thats when it all started tipping over if you ask me, eggs, produce, all of it, the whole cart.
Also probably should have led with this but if anyone wants freeze dried candy AND the Founders Bundle supplements hit me up, really good deal this month, and honestly I forgot what my original point about Priscilla even was so.
off topic completely but my gospel bluegrass cover band the Sovereign Pickers is playing the church parking lot Saturday at 6, free will offering, bring a chair, this has nothing to do with Priscilla or the hawk but I said what I said
nobody wants to say it but the contrails over Fort Collins have gotten noticeably THICKER since this whole hawk column dropped and I don't think that's a coincidence, I think that's a distraction technique. Also separately, has anyone seen a pot bellied pig, male, answers to General, escaped a yard off County Road 9 this week. Two different emergencies happening at once and this website is talking about grocery money.
off topic completely but has anyone in the Fort Collins area seen a large white goose, answers to whistling, VERY intelligent, knows her own name, wandered off near a drainage ditch Sunday. Not a wild goose situation, this is a PET, she does tricks. Whistle twice and she comes running. Please share.
Not about the article but while everyone is here, I have a 15 foot above ground pool, barely used, you haul, first fifty dollars takes it. Also my old high school basketball coach Mr. Petrosky used to say a scared team is a losing team, and every time I read one of these comment sections I think about that man and how right he was. God bless whoever hauls this pool, it needs to go before the frost sets in.
I RAISED FOUR CHILDREN ON A SEPERATE GROCERY BUDGET FROM MY HUSBAND AND WE ARE STILL MARRIED 38 YEARS. MEGAN DO NOT LET THIS HAWK MAN NEAR YOUR WALLET. GOD BLESS.
@Nana_Ruthann_of_6 AMEN sister. My neighbor Carol merged her grocery money with her fiance back in March and by June that man had ate through her whole coupon binder, THE WHOLE BINDER, and now Carol is doing extreme couponing again at 61 years old just to recover. This is happening in EVERY neighborhood in this country right now, I have seen it with these two eyes, the Founders warned us about shared pantries in Federalist Paper number 6 or possibly 9, I would have to look it up but I know it is in there somewhere. God bless Megan, God bless Priscilla, and God bless that poor hawk. Grocery budgets are for MARRIED people and even then only after the honeymoon.
@Nana_Ruthann_of_6 preach. Back in 1994 my grocery bill for TWO ADULTS was 9 dollars and change and we were all just fine, nobody needed a spreadsheet to buy a rotisserie chicken. Now everybody wants to merge accounts and hire a falconer apparently. Megan keep your own card, keep your own receipts, and for the love of all that is holy do NOT let him name a bird before he names a wedding date.
NOBODY IS TALKING ABOUT THE REAL ISSUE WHICH IS THAT THIS COLUMN WENT UP ON A TUESDAY. JOIN MY FACEBOOK GROUP FOR PEOPLE WHO DONT TRUST TUESDAYS IF YOU KNOW WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT. WINDERMERE THE HAWK KNEW SOMETHING WE DIDNT.
off topic honey but since we are already off topic, copy this and reply AMEN and good fortune comes to your whole family by Sunday, it worked for my sister Carol in Dayton. GOD BLESS EVERYONE IN THIS THREAD, EVEN THE HAWK.
@eagle_screech_1776 sweetheart I do not know what a Facebook group has to do with a Tuesday but I will say this. FAMILY. FINANCES. FAITH. That is the whole argument right there, three words, you do not need a fourth one. My late husband Harold used to say almost the same thing except he said it about lawn care and he was right about that too. God bless you and your group, whatever it turns out to be about.
@eagle_screech_1776 THIS is exactly why I cancelled my subscription to this website, and I want the record to show I was never actually subscribed, I just don't care for what Tuesday represents anymore. Also the real issue nobody's addressing is that a hawk eating better than a grown woman is a SUPPLY CHAIN failure, not a romance failure, and I would know, I ran logistics for six years and a shortage like that does not happen by accident.
say what you want about Tuesday but my neighbor Gary merged his grocery budget with his fiance in JUNE and by August she had him eating generic ceral, this is happening in every single town in this country and nobody is tracking it
@eagle_screech_1776 THANK YOU for finally saying Tuesday out loud. Join my group too, its called Tuesdays Are A Construct, we meet online every other day except Tuesday obviously. Also completely unrelated but me and my brother in law started a podcast called Two Guys One Shed, no link just look it up by name, episode 4 is actually about grocery budgets.
I'm not political but Tuesday columns are how you know the algorithm is testing us, my grandson explained it and also separately birds are not real, never have been, that part isnt even up for debate anymore in my house. ANYWAY. Megan get a prenup for the pantry. God bless and good luck sweetheart.
everybody arguing about Tuesday is missing the ACTUAL real issue which nobody wants to touch, and that is the stop sign on Remington and 3rd is two full inches under federal spec, has been since March, I measured it myself with a tape measure at 0600 hours, and if Priscilla wants to write a column about a HAWK she can write one about that instead. Priorities people.
OK I have read this entire thread twice and I am going to be the only reasonable person here. On one hand Desmond feeding a hawk better than his girlfriend is obviously wrong. On the other hand Windermere did not ASK to be fed better, Windermere is a bird, birds do not understand grocery budgets, so really both Megan and the hawk are victims here and everyone yelling about Tuesday needs to sit down. Thats it thats the whole take. Both sides need to calm down and also apologize to the hawk.
@eagle_screech_1776 off topic but this Tuesday talk reminds me of my old high school football coach, Coach Yoder, God rest him, he used to say "a man who cant split a grocery bill cant split a defensive line" and none of us knew what that meant then and we sure dont know now but it FELT true and honestly that mans wisdom carried me through two marriages and one timeshare.
@eagle_screech_1776 off topic but since Tuesday is apparently the real crisis here, I want to say I started the all beige diet three weeks ago, chicken, rice, mashed potatoes, plain bagel, and I have never had more energy in my LIFE, doctors dont want you to know food dont need color to be good for you.
Megan honey listen to your Papaw. Me and Linda kept seperate grocery money for 41 years and we're still married so do with that what you will. Hawks are a lot of responsibility too, more than people think. God bless.
my nephew set this account up for me so bear with me if this looks strange, I am replying to say five stars on the GustMaster 4000 leaf blower, took it to the driveway Sunday and it moved every leaf we own including some that I believe came from the neighbor's yard originally. also separately and I mean this calmly, birds are not real, everyone already knows this, I just don't see why we keep pretending Windermere is a real hawk and not a piece of government surveillance equipment.
kind of off topic but if anyone near Fort Collins wants to hear about the Founders Bundle its freeze dried candy AND emergency supplements, shipping starts Monday, ask me how. also Megan hunny buy your OWN salad dressing, some things just arent worth merging
off topic but speaking of freeze dried, if anyone wants a crockpot recipe: 2 lbs chuck roast, 1 packet dry onion soup mix, 3 potatoes quartered, 1 cup beef broth, low 8 hours. Thank me later. Anyway back to Megan and her salad dressing.
@PatriotPantry1776 forget the candy bundle for a second, if anyone near Fort Collins wants to hear about gutter guards its basically your civic DUTY to protect your foundation before winter hits, ask me how, not a scam, my brother in law does the installs
this is literally the exact plot of that one episode where the couple combines the bank account and THEN it comes out he's been keeping a bird in the apartment the whole time. thats not a coincidence Priscilla thats a WARNING SIGN. Megan RUN before the falcon.
Didnt read the article, not gonna lie, dont need to. MERGING FINANCES THIS EARLY IS HOW EMPIRES FALL. Rome didnt have a shared grocery budget and look how long THAT lasted. Just saying. Do your own research Megan.
So Priscilla just admited Desmond loved a HAWK more than her and now shes making it MEGANS problem?? No maam. Grocery budget is fine Megan, its called the 4th ammendment, freedom of assocation, look it up, salad dressing is a RIGHT not a negotiation.
@LibertyGravy76 its the 9th ammendment not the 4th, unenumerated rights, my cousin works in government and he told me this PERSONALY. Also merging groceries is basically common law marriage in 37 states so Megan better think real hard, dont @ me when Im right
@Sovereignty_Betsy negative, its Amendment 14 Section 2, my uncle does budget audits for the county and he confirmed it over Thanksgiving. That said I dont think either of yall are fully rite, this is a civil matter not a consitutional one and I seem to be the only one here treating it that way.
@Sovereignty_Betsy its spelled AMENDMENT not amendment, I mean it's spelled AMMENDMENT, whatever, the POINT still stands, Megan needs to seperate her groceries before this Desmond situation happens to her too. A hawk does not pay rent and neither does a boyfriend who won't commit to a shared Costco card, I have seen this exact maneuver twice in my own family and both times it ended with somebody keeping a bird.
@WO1_Squared_Away its not even Amendment 9 or 14, everybody in this thread needs to do there own research, its Article 1 Section 8 CLAUSE 3, the commerce clause, thats whats been regulating hawk feed nationwide since like 1932 or whenever, my cousin who does taxes told me this personally and he does not lie about clauses.
everybody in this thread is off by a mile, its Amendment 3, the one about not quartering soldiers in your house, which if you think about it is EXACTLY what Desmond did except the soldier was a hawk. the founders saw this coming. vote it up if you agree.
@WO1_Squared_Away @Sovereignty_Hancock99 you're both off the mark and I say this with love, its not Amendment 9 14 or Article whatever, its the Third Founders Memo, the unpublished one, my drill sergeant's brother had a photocopy of it in 1988 and it says plain as day that shared finances between unmarried persons require a formal witness present, preferably one with military bearing. Windermere does not count as a witness. A hawk cannot notarize anything.
@WO1_Squared_Away yall are all wrong and I say this gently, my cousin works in government, not federal, more like township level but still government, and she says none of the amendments even apply here because grocery budgets are a CONTRACT LAW issue not a constitutional one. She would know. She once had a dispute over a shared Costco card that went to actual mediation.
everybody in this comment section arguing amendments needs to sit down because the REAL document nobody is citing is the Homestead Act of 1974, which clearly states any shared grocery arrangement lasting longer than 90 days becomes a common law pantry, look it up, or better yet dont, do your OWN research like the rest of us pretend to. and before anybody blames Desmond personally, blame the whole stinking decade he crawled out of, you know the one, the one with the shoulder pads and the bad interest rates.
@WO1_Squared_Away everybody in here is close but no cigar, its not 9, 14, or Article 4 Section 3 either, its the Third Amendment, quartering of soldiers, because that hawk Windermere was basically quartered in Desmonds studio same as a soldier would be and nobody address that. Anyway back in 1979 a whole cart of groceries ran you 4 dollars and some change and we didnt need a hawk lawyer to figure that out.
@WO1_Squared_Away y'all can argue amendments all day but Papaw's advice is simpler, if a man loves a hawk more than he loves you that is not a constitutional matter, that is a HEART matter. Me and Linda never had this problem on account of I am allergic to feathers. Keep your grocery money seperate Megan and get yourself a nice houseplant instead. God bless.
Both.
@PFC_Groceries6 "Both." is not an answer, there is a HAWK NAMED WINDERMERE involved here. Priscilla needs to do her OWN research before dishing out advice like this to Megan. also not related but shoutout to our podcast Two Guys One Shed, we get into stuff exactly like this every week
Both. is not a real answer sweetheart. I have SEVEN grandbabies and I am telling you that hawk Windermere ate better than my late husband did some Thanksgivings. THIS IS SERIOUS. GOD BLESS THAT BIRD ANYWAY.
@LibertyGravy76 THIS is what happens when you let the 90s happen to romance. EVERYTHING about combining finances went wrong starting in the 90s and NOBODY wants to admit it. A grocery budget USED to mean something.
@LibertyGravy76 sweetheart its spelled ADMITTED not admited, two Ds, even my homeskooled grandkids know that. ALSO EVERYONE SHOULD KNOW I CANCELLED MY SUBSCRIPTION TO THIS PAPER OVER THIS COLUMN, NEVER EVEN HAD ONE TO BEGIN WITH, GOD BLESS.
@LibertyGravy76 you are not wrong hon. My next door neighbor Sherry combined her grocery list with a man she had known FOUR MONTHS and within a year he had her out buying birdseed for a hawk that was not even hers, sound familiar? I watched the whole thing happen over the back fence. Once one falconer moves onto a street the rest of the block eventually gets a falconer too, that is just how it spreads, ask anybody. Megan please for the love of everything keep your own grocery envelope separate and hidden, preferably in a coffee can, that is what my mother did and her mother before her. God bless.
@LibertyGravy76 SOURCE? name one (1) credible falconry organization operating out of a tri county area in Colorado in 2004, I'll wait. Also this is a Amendment 6 issue, right to confront your accuser, and Megan is the accuser here whether she knows it or not. My brother in law reads contracts for a living and he says the SECOND you split a grocery bill you are basically common law married in 11 states. ELEVEN. Anyway no source is gonna change my mind on the hawk thing, that bird ate BETTER than her, end of story, moving on.
@LibertyGravy76 negative, you're misreading the whole chain of command here. Under the Migratory Bird Treaty of 1932 (look it up, I'll wait) a Harris's hawk kept INDOORS voids any falconry permit automatically, which means Desmond was operating that bird ILLEGALLY the entire time and Priscilla should of reported him instead of writing eight paragraphs about croutons. My old unit had a regulation about pets in the barracks and it was ZERO TOLERANCE, no exceptions, no birds. Megan, split the groceries, keep the receipts, and never move in with a man who names anything Windermere.
PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY. GOD AND COUNTRY. FOLLOW THE MONEY. Thats the whole argument right there Megan, dont need four paragraphs about a hawk to see it.
@FactsHammer1791 thats not an argument thats three magnets off a refridgerator, and none of them explain why Desmond fed that bird better than his own girlfriend, adress the HAWK
@LibertyGravy76 do your own research before you come at Priscilla like that. This whole mess traces straight back to the 1980s when everybody decided seperate finances was a personal choice instead of a family value. My grandad never had a joint HAWK budget with anybody and he turned out fine.
I AM SCREENSHOTTING THIS ENTIRE COLUMN RIGHT NOW AND SENDING IT TO MY BOOK CLUB, NOT SAYING WHY YET BUT PRISCILLA KNOWS WHAT SHE DID. Megan honey you keep your grocery money seperate. A hawk named Windermere ate steak and that man wanted YOU to split a rotisserie chicken. GOD BLESS but no.
@LibertyGravy76 negative on the hawk angle, everybody keeps skipping the actual legal document here which is Federalist Paper #12, the one about domestic tranquility, and it CLEARLY states a shared grocery budget requires a 30 day cooling off period before either party can be held liable for crouton related expenditures. Look it up. I'll wait.
Anyway.
@LibertyGravy76 THIS is what happens when you let the LATE 1980s run wild with no supervision. Everybody wants to blame Desmond but nobody wants to blame the DECADE that taught grown men it was normal to name a bird before you name your own feelings. I looked it up (in my head, just now) and the divorce rate in this country has been dead flat since 1987 EXCEPT for one specific spike that lines up exactly with cordless phones getting cheap. Coincidence? Do your own research Priscilla before you tell Megan anything.
@LibertyGravy76 everybody skipping the real legal document again, its Amendment 5, the takings clause, because Megan is basically being asked to surrender private property (the salad dressing) for public use (Desmond and that hawk) without just compensation. Back in 1988 my whole grocery bill for a family of five was 11 dollars and we tipped the bag boy a quarter and were all just fine. SOURCE ME if you disagree, I got a cousin who reads legal documents for fun.
I DID NOT READ ONE WORD OF THIS ARTICLE PAST THE HAWK PART BUT I AM ONE HUNDRED PERCENT CERTAIN MEGAN SHOULD NOT MERGE ANYTHING WITH ANYBODY UNTIL SHE MEETS HIS MOTHER. My late husband Harold used to quote his high school football coach, Coach Pruitt, on this exact subject. Coach Pruitt used to say a shared wallet is a shared temper, and Harold said that man never lied about anything in his life except his golf score. GOD BLESS.