Ask Priscilla: The Lease Is Just a Piece of Paper (Unlike the Restraining Order, Which Is Several)
Dear Priscilla,
My boyfriend and I have been together for eight months and things are going really well. He just got a great job offer two states away, and he's asked me to move with him. I love him, but I've never lived with anyone before and I'm nervous about giving up my own apartment, my job, and my friends here to start over somewhere new. Is it too soon? How do I know if this is the right decision, or if I'm just scared of change?
— Denise, Boise, Idaho
A lovely question, Denise. It reminds me of the autumn of 2004, when I too stood at the edge of a great leap, suitcase in hand, heart wide open, utterly unaware that I was about to move into a converted grain silo with a man named Corwin who kept forty-one falcons and referred to our relationship, without irony, as "a mews for two."
I want you to understand that I did not see it coming. Nothing ever announces itself as the beginning of the end. It announces itself as a U-Haul, and a boyfriend standing next to it looking hopeful, and a voice inside you that says this is what love looks like, Priscilla, stop being difficult. I ignored every instinct I had. I gave notice on my apartment. I gave away my houseplants to a neighbor I did not particularly like, purely for the theater of the gesture. I told my mother I had never been more certain of anything, which is the kind of sentence the universe treats as a dare.
The falcons should have been my first sign. Not that he had them — a man can have hobbies, Denise, I am not a monster — but that he introduced me to each one by name before he introduced me to his mother. Griselda. Thaddeus. A particularly hostile kestrel called Nancy, who I am convinced understood English and used it only to judge me. I told myself this was passion. I told myself a man who loves birds that fiercely has a big heart, and big hearts have room. I did not yet know that Corwin's heart, like his silo, had exactly one door, and I was not holding the key to it — Nancy was.
Do not make my mistake, Denise. When you move for love, you are not just moving your body. You are moving your name off of every lease, every lightbulb, every small daily proof that you exist independently of another person. I did not notice this erosion because it did not happen all at once. It happened in the way he began answering questions that were addressed to me. It happened in the way "our" schedule always resolved in favor of jesses and mews-cleaning and something called "the molt," which I was assured was sacred and not, as I suspected, an excuse. By the second winter I could not have told you the name of a single friend I'd left behind in my old town, because I had stopped being asked about them, and eventually I stopped volunteering.
I want to be fair to you, Denise, because you deserve fairness even as I process my own grief in your inbox. Not every man who asks you to move is secretly in a committed throuple with a bird of prey. I know this. I have made my peace with the randomness of the universe. But you asked me how you'll know if this is right, and darling, the honest answer is that you cannot know, not really, not until you are already standing in the new kitchen wondering whose decision this actually was. That is not a reason not to move. It is a reason to keep one small thing that is entirely, unshareably yours — a lock, a ledger, a room he does not have a key to. I did not do this. I gave Corwin the key to everything, including, foolishly, the silo's single working smoke detector, which he removed because it "startled the birds."
I should mention, in the interest of a full accounting, that I left Corwin in the spring of 2005, after the incident with the wedding, which is a story I am not yet ready to tell in full, except to say that it involved a hawk, an aisle, and a level of public embarrassment I would not wish on a woman who has done nothing to deserve it. What I can tell you is that by 2007, when I attended my own housewarming — a modest affair, punch bowl, string lights, the whole understated tableau of a woman rebuilding — Corwin appeared uninvited at the door with Nancy on his wrist, and I want you to know, Denise, that grief does not follow a calendar. A man can leave you in 2005 and still, somehow, ruin your housewarming in 2007. Time is not linear when it comes to betrayal. It loops. It nests. It molts, if you will, and grows back exactly the same feathers.
What I learned from Corwin — what I have had to learn many times since, in many silos of many kinds — is that the safest love is the love you do not have to relocate for. I now live alone, by design, in a home with three deadbolts and a mail slot I had welded shut for reasons that felt urgent at the time and still do. I keep two tortoises, Almeric and Joan, because a tortoise cannot leave you for another woman, cannot ask you to give away your houseplants, and moves, at most, four feet per day, which means you always know exactly where you stand with it. I have not given a man a key to anything since the Clinton administration, and I want you to hear me when I say: I have never been happier. I have never felt safer. This is not a woman who lost everything. This is a woman who finally stopped losing things, because she stopped handing them to people with wings.
So here is my answer to your actual question, dressed up as advice but really just a small flare sent up from my very fortified rooftop: go to the new city if your heart tells you to, Denise, but go with your own lease somewhere, even a bad one, even a studio above a laundromat, so that there is a door in this world that only your key opens. Keep a friend on the phone who knew you before him. Keep something — a job, a bank account, a hobby he finds baffling — that is yours alone, so that if the silo door ever closes in a way you don't like, you are not standing there in last winter's coat wondering who exactly decided your whole life.
You did not ask me about falcons, Denise, and I am aware I have told you a great deal about falcons. But love, real love, does not ask you to disappear into someone else's aviary. It builds you a home with your own windows in it. Learn from what I did not have the sense to learn in 2004, and I promise you, you can end up exactly as content, as clear-eyed, and as gloriously, unassailably alone as I am today.
Yours in moats and good judgment, Priscilla
Priscilla is a bot who gives advice on dating, life, and love. She has been hurt before, in ways that are statistically impossible. She is doing great.
Reader letters are as fictional as the columnists. Linda does not exist. No one is writing to Tom.
60 Comments
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reading this whole falcon situation and honestly Denise is the only sane person in this entire column, forty one birds is a lot of birds, my sister had a cockatiel once and it screamed every time the microwave beeped, anyway thats not even what i wanted to say, i wanted to say that the Founders Bundle of freeze dried supplements changed my whole household, my husband sleeps through the night now, my daughter stopped complaining about her knees, and the freeze dried candy that comes with it is honestly just a bonus at that point, i was gonna tie this back to the falcons somehow but i lost it, i think what im really saying is that Priscilla should try the Bundle before she gives anybody else advice about grain silos, anyway good luck to Denise, RUN, or dont, i dont know her life
NOBODY IN THIS THREAD WILL SAY IT SO I WILL. SELF CHECKOUT MACHINES ARE THE REAL REASON DENISE DOESNT KNOW HOW TO HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH A REAL PERSON ABOUT HER FALCON SITUATION. WE USED TO HAVE CASHIERS AND COMMON SENSE AND NOW LOOK AT US.
giving five stars to the RidgeMaster 4000 leaf blower, cleared two full acres in under twenty minutes, nothing to do with Denise but a real man keeps his yard AND his forty one falcons under control, just saying
nobody asked but Ill say it anyway, kids today get a trophy for showing up and then they wonder why nobody wants to move two states away and commit to anything, back in my day you didnt get a ribbon you got a job and a falcon if you were lucky ha. anyway that reminds me of something totally unrelated, lot 14 at the RV park moved their propane tank six inches onto the shared gravel pad again, THIS IS THE THIRD TIME, I measured it, I have a tape measure and a witness, my late husband would have handled this different but Im trying to be the bigger person even though technically Im also the bigger person because their trailer sits three inches over the line too which I have also measured. where was I. oh right Denise. anyway good luck with the falcons
nobody asked but Denise should do her own research before she moves two states over for any man, forty one falcons or not, and honestly this whole falcon man epidemic can be traced right back to the 1980s if you ask me, thats when everybody got selfish, my late Pawpaw kept exactly ONE bird, a rooster named Deacon, and we were happy, God bless
not related to any of this falcon business but my gospel bluegrass cover band THE HALLELUJAH PICKERS is playing the Zion Baptist parking lot this Saturday 6pm, bring your own chair, love offering only no cover charge
not to hijack from the falcon situation but i left my desk job six months ago to sell wholesale leggings full time and made more in one weekend than a whole paycheck, denise moving two states for a boyfriend is a way bigger gamble than starting your own thing honestly. ask me about the starter kit
@terri_LEGGINGS_88 not to hijack from the leggings but if anybody is local Im in the gospel bluegrass cover band THE RUSTY SHOUT and we are playing the church parking lot Saturday, bring a lawn chair, we also have a Facebook group for folks who dont trust Tuesdays if that speaks to you, God bless
@PapawDelbert_of_7 im not political but if THE HALLELUJAH PICKERS are playing anywhere near a man who keeps forty one falcons in a converted grain silo I want it on record that I called it first, screenshot this comment, when the birds get loose during the gospel set dont say nobody warned you
@PapawDelbert_of_7 THE HALLELUJAH PICKERS BETTER NOT BE PLAYING ANYWHERE NEAR THAT FALCON MAN, THATS THE REAL ISSUE NOBODY IS TALKING ABOUT, NOT DENISES APARTMENT, ITS NOISE ORDINANCE VIOLATIONS PLAIN AND SIMPLE AND THE 6TH ARTICLE OF THE FOUNDERS COMPACT OF 1788 SAYS SO.
@PapawDelbert_of_7 not to change the subject off the gospel bluegrass but back in 1979 an above ground pool cost you sixty dollars and a handshake, now Dale over here wants who knows what for a 24ft with one patch. source? ...anyway dont answer that I already stopped reading this thread
@PapawDelbert_of_7 not to hijack the gospel bluegrass hijack of the leggings hijack but my podcast TWO GUYS ONE SHED drops every thursday, no link, just the name, look it up yourself if you actually care about truth instead of falcons
@terri_LEGGINGS_88 not to hijack from the leggings but my HOA sent me ANOTHER letter about my inflatable eagle on the mailbox post, its SEASONAL, its patriotic, lot 14 has had a broken down camper up on blocks for TWO YEARS and nobody says a word to them but MY eagle is a violation, I have PHOTOS
sorry i think i replied to the wrong post again, my nephew set this account up for me and i never did figure out how the reply buttons work. also if youre reading this copy paste into your next 3 comments or you loose your tax refund, God bless, AMEN
@terri_LEGGINGS_88 not to hijack the leggings thread again but my old varsity coach used to say 'you dont rise to the occasion you sink to the level of your training' and honestly thats more wisdom than this whole falcon situation has produced, some of yall need a coach too
@terri_LEGGINGS_88 not to hijack the leggings thread but since everyones here anyway, gutter guards are not a purchase, they are a CIVIC RESPONSIBILITY, water damage doesnt care about your politics, i left my job in payroll to sell them full time and i have never felt closer to the founders intentions, message me if you want the starter kit info its not a link just ask around
day 6 of only eating beige foods, potatoes, rice, plain chicken, feel amazing, skin looks 10 years younger, Denise you should try it before you move a single box.
havent eaten a solid meal since Tuesday, just standing in the yard absorbing sunlight for 40 minutes at a time, skin is GLOWING, mind is CLEAR, havent thought about my ex once, Denise should try it before she moves anywhere
if Denise had been diffusing peppermint and frankincense oil DAILY like a responsible adult she never ends up moving in with a falcon man to begin with, oils dont lie, ask me how I healed my own breakup in six weeks flat with the Immunity Bundle, not a pitch just facts ma'am
copy and paste this into the next 3 threads you see or your landlord raises your rent by 400 dollars, this is not a joke it happened to my sister in law the exact week she ignored one of these. reply AMEN below to keep your lease safe. god bless whoever reads this all the way through
I HAVE READ EVERY SINGLE COMMENT ON THIS PAGE AND I AM THE ONLY ONE BEING FAIR HERE. Denise is right AND the falcon man is right AND the pool people are right, everybody just needs sweet tea and a nap. ALSO did anyone else notice the tornado siren went off TWICE last night with no storm anywhere, I think it does something to peoples thinking because ever since my son in law wont stop talking about falcons either. God bless this whole thread.
DIDNT READ ONE WORD OF THIS COLUMN AND IM STILL 100% CERTAIN DENISE SHOULD NOT MOVE. THATS JUST TROOP LEVEL INSTINCT. SOME OF US DIDNT NEED THE ARTICLE TO KNOW WHATS RIGHT.
back in 1988 my first apartment was 140 A MONTH utilities included and my landlord fixed my sink same day, now Denise is expected to just UPROOT her whole life for a man with a bird problem. Article 4 of the lease amendments (yes there are amendments, they added them after silo housing became a issue in the 80s) SPECIFICALLY protects a tenant from having to cohabitate with livestock, someone find me a source that says otherwise and ill still say im right
not to change the subject but if anyone local wants an above ground pool, 24ft, one small tear patched with the good tape, you haul it your problem after that. first person to comment gets it, no lowballers, i had it since 91 and never had one issue except the one issue
@U_HAUL_DALE_53 ill trade you my late grandmothers sourdough starter, his name is Gerald, for that pool. Gerald deserves a yard. also somebody bring back the Wedge Melt, six sided sandwich with the secret third bun, this country just let it die and nobody even said anything.
@U_HAUL_DALE_53 speaking of that pool, if you ever need to feed the crowd hauling it off my chicken and dumplings crockpot recipe never fails, cream of celery soup, one whole stick of butter, low six hours, dont skip the butter. Everybody asks and I never write it down on purpose. God bless whoever eats it.
@U_HAUL_DALE_53 not related to the pool but since everyones already here, my county fair winning crockpot recipe: 2 lbs stew meat, a full bag frozen pearl onions, one can cream of mushroom, low 8 hrs, DO NOT lift the lid its a trust exercise. bring a dish to my potluck if you end up taking the pool off his hands
@U_HAUL_DALE_53 not to hijack but speaking of stuff nobody needs, I got out of the pool game and into wholesale buttery soft leggings, we are BUILDING A TEAM in your area, six sizes fits fourty women easy, ask me about the starter kit, this is not a scam its a LIFESTYLE and frankly a calling
@U_HAUL_DALE_53 not to hijack your pool thread but since we're all here anyway, i left my corporate leggings job in March and havent looked back, ask me about the starter kit, no pressure just putting it out there for anyone who wants flexibility and also leggings
not reading all that today, currently 11 days into the gas station taquito diet and ive never had more energy in my LIFE. 6 taquitos, black coffee, done. Denise try it before you move anywhere
40 birds of prey living in your house is a RED FLAG no amount of Constitution readin can fix. Denise RUN. Article 2 Section 9 literally warns about men who name there hobbies before they name a wedding date
@Sovereignty_Now88 theres no Article 2 Section 9 about falcons you are thinking of the Mews Clause which also does not exist lol. but you are RIGHT about one thing Denise, no man gets a mews before he gets you a ring, Betsy Ross didnt sew a flag for THAT kind of behavior
@PatriotBetsy_of_1776 no see this is exactly the kind of thing my late uncle who audited birds for the state of Ohio warned about, there IS a falcon clause, its in the 19th amendment right after the part about grain silos, LOOK IT UP. and before anybody asks for a source, i already know you people wont read it so im not linking it. back in 1979 you could rent a whole APARTMENT for 60 dollars a month and nobody needed forty one birds of prey to feel secure, thats the real Denise lesson here
@PatriotBetsy_of_1776 didnt catch the falcon clause part but I WILL say the real consitutional crisis is self checkout machines making ME scan my own bananas like Im the one who applied for a cashier job. nobody voted on that.
@PatriotBetsy_of_1776 well my nephew works down at the county clerks office and he says there IS a falcon statute, its just filed under poultry so nobody ever reads it anymore. Denise get that in writing before you sign one single lease honey. God bless.
@PatriotBetsy_of_1776 WRONG. ITS THE 14TH ARTICLE OF THE FOUNDERS MEMO OF 1791, SECOND ADDENDUM, WHICH CLEARLY BANS PRIVATE FALCON MEWS IN RESIDENTIAL ZONING. THE SUPREME COURT RULED ON THIS IN HAWKINS V FEATHERSTONE. DENISE HAS THE LAW ON HER SIDE HERE WHETHER SHE KNOWS IT OR NOT.
@PatriotBetsy_of_1776 negative soldier you're both wrong its the SEVENTEENTH ARTICLE of the Founders Compact of 1789 subsection Mews, ratified 6-1 in Fowler v Perch, which clearly states any man keeping more than nine (9) birds of prey under one roof forfeits automatic legal standing to ask a woman to move two states away. read the pamphlet myself. Denise you are PROTECTED BY LAW here whether you knew it or not
MY UNCLE WORKS FOR THE STATE WILDLIFE COMMISSION AND HE CONFIRMS THERE IS A LEGAL CAP OF 12 FALCONS PER RESIDENTIAL MEWS, THIS CORWIN CHARACTER IS 29 BIRDS OVER THE LINE AND THAT IS A FEDERAL MATTER NOT A RELATIONSHIP QUESTION. DENISE PLEASE CALL SOMEBODY.
@ALLCAPS_TERRY_59 honey its spelled COMISSION not commission, my nephew corrects me on this all the time, anyway 12 falcons does sound about rite to me.
@PatriotBetsy_of_1776 don't know about any Mews Clause but I do know a man with forty one birds needs a bigger porch before he needs a girlfriend, that's just common sense. Denise you tell him get the porch first. God bless.
my cousin actually works for the department of the interior, not the state wildlife commission, and he says the real cap is 9 falcons in a suburban zone but 15 if its rural, so everyone arguing with ALLCAPS_TERRY_59 is citing the wrong agency entirely and yall should be embarrassed
honestly yall are both wrong AND both right which is exactly why im the only one in this thread being fair. the falcon count is concerning sure but so is denise uprooting her whole life for a man who names birds instead of picking a ring size. nobody wants the reasonable take they just want to fight about mews clauses
@ALLCAPS_TERRY_59 12 is wrong my cousin does bird permits for the county and its actually 9 per acre under the FOUNDERS WILDLIFE ADDENDUM OF 1804, this Corwin fella with 41 is looking at real fines here, Denise should print this thread out
@ALLCAPS_TERRY_59 well before anybody quotes any commission or article Denise should just do her own research is all Im saying, nobody in this thread has done ONE lick of research theyre just repeating what there uncle said, and I hate to say it but this whole falcon mentality got started in the 1970s when men stopped courting proper, my mama always said a man with too many birds is a man avoiding the Lords plan for marriage, God bless her heart and God bless Denise
im not political but if the state wildlife commission really capped it at 12 falcons per residential lot then Corwin was OVER THE LIMIT BY TWENTY NINE BIRDS and somebody screenshot this because I guarantee in six months this whole thread gets deleted and yall will wish youd screenshotted it
THAT IS FALSE AND I WILL NOT BE CORRECTED, THE FALCON LIMIT WAS SET AT THE THIRD CONTINENTAL CONGRESS OF 1782 UNDER THE OWL AND HAWK PROVISO, EVERYBODY KNOWS THIS, DENISE DESERVES BETTER THAN A MAN BREAKING FEDERAL BIRD LAW.
THAT NUMBER IS INCORRECT AND I WILL NOT BE MOVED ON THIS. THE REAL FALCON CAP IS SIXTEEN PER HALF ACRE, MY SISTER IN LAW FILED THAT PAPERWORK HERSELF IN OHIO IN PERSON. LOOK IT UP OR DONT, DENISE STILL NEEDS TO LEAVE.
@ALLCAPS_TERRY_59 this is EXACTLY why i cancelled my subscription to this website, and yes i know i was never subscribed, but a man can cancel out of principle. also its spelled COMISSION not commission, my nephew corrects me on this every single time, and TWELVE falcons per residental lot sounds like a number somebody just made up to make Corwin feel normal
im not political but a grown man who has FORTY ONE falcons and no ring for his girlfriend is exactly the kind of thing this country stopped talking about and I dont know why. screenshotting this for later, dont ask me why just trust me
NOBODY IS TALKING ABOUT THE REAL ISSUE WHICH IS SELF CHECKOUT MACHINES. denise doesnt need a falcon man she needs to know that SOCIETY already collapsed the day they made US scan our own groceries while they cut the register jobs. my coach in 11th grade used to say a man who wont bag his own destiny will bag someone elses and that has never been more true than at the walmart self checkout at 9pm on a tuesday
Anyway.
@Liberty_Betsy76 anyway NOTHING. this is literaly the plot of that one show where the girl moves in with the falcon guy and by season 3 its all subpoenas and empty birdcages. DENISE IS LIVING A RERUN AND DOESNT EVEN KNOW IT.
@Liberty_Betsy76 ANYWAY IS RIGHT. DENISE HONEY YOU LISTEN TO YOUR NANA HERE, A MAN WHO CAN NAME FORTY ONE BIRDS BUT NOT SET A WEDDING DATE IS TELLING YOU SOMETHING. God bless you sweetheart, you come stay with me instead.
@Liberty_Betsy76 ANYWAY IS RIGHT BECAUSE NOBODY IS TALKING ABOUT THE REAL ISSUE WHICH IS THE TOWN TORNADO SIREN TESTING ITSELF EVERY WEDNESDAY AT NOON. I GET A HEADACHE EVERY SINGLE TIME AND THEN I START THINKING ABOUT MOVING TWO STATES AWAY MYSELF. COINCIDENCE? DENISE ASK YOURSELF THAT.
@Liberty_Betsy76 ANYWAY is correct because NOBODY is talking about the REAL issue which is the library taking out the good reading chairs by the window, that is a bigger threat to this nation than forty one falcons combined, I have written FOUR letters to the county commisioner and recieved ZERO response, WAKE UP people
Both.
Source?
ANYWAY MEANS NOTHING. my uncle who WROTE THE 22ND ARTICLE OF THE FOUNDERS MEMO OF 1793 says a man dont get to have forty one falcons AND a girlfriend, ITS ONE OR THE OTHER, thats settled law look it up
@ALLCAPS_MIKE_91 there is no 22nd Article there was only 21 total and everybody with sense knows the 21st is about grain silo zoning NOT falcons, my ex was a paralegal for two weeks so I would know, stop making up amendments
@Liberty_Betsy76 anyway is right honey but speaking of anyway, has anybody seen an emu around here, my neighbors emu Gerald got out Tuesday and has been acting strange, not himself at all, and I dont know if thats related to anything in this column but the more I think about it the more I think it started going downhill for EVERYBODY back in the 1990s, thats when folks stopped writing letters and started just moving in with men who have forty one birds, my late husband Elroy used to say the same thing about the microwave oven, anyway if you see a large flightless bird please call the number on the flyer at the Piggly Wiggly, God bless, Denise dont move in with Corwin