Dear Priscilla, Never Mind the Furnace
Dear Priscilla,
My boyfriend and I have been together two years, and lately he's been talking about moving in together. I love him, but I'm nervous about combining finances, schedules, and — most of all — closet space. How do I know if we're really ready to live together, and how do we even start that conversation without it turning into a fight?
— Renee, Boise, Idaho
A lovely question, Renee. It reminds me of the autumn of 2004, when I too believed that a shared address was simply two toothbrushes in one cup and nothing more sinister than that.
His name was Desmond, and he did not so much move in with me as annex me, the way certain landlocked countries eye a nice stretch of coastline. It began innocently — a duffel bag "just for the weekend," which stayed until Thanksgiving, then Christmas, then, inexplicably, my birthday, at which point I realized the duffel bag had a name and the name was Gerald and Gerald had opinions about where the spice rack should live. I did not question this. I was in love, Renee, and love, as you may already be learning, is a mildew that grows fastest in the dark, unventilated corners of a person's better judgment.
Do not make my mistake, Renee. Ask him now, before the lease is signed, before the toothbrushes multiply: does he have a spice rack philosophy? Because Desmond did, and it was fascism, plain and simple. Alphabetical, Renee. He alphabetized the spice rack and then, when I quietly moved the cardamom two slots to the left for reasons of simple domestic poetry, he filed what I can only describe as a grievance. A written grievance. On stationery. He had had stationery made, Renee, with his initials on it, for the sole purpose of documenting my crimes against cardamom, and I want you to sit with that, because I certainly have, for twenty-two years, mostly at 3 a.m., mostly in the bathtub, mostly with the lights off so the moat outside can't see me thinking about it.
Oh — I haven't mentioned the moat. I'll get to the moat.
You ask how to know if you're ready to live together. Renee, here is the test I wish someone had handed me in a nice laminated card before I ever let Desmond cross my threshold with his duffel bag and his terrible, fascist spice opinions: watch how a person behaves when something small goes slightly wrong. Not the big things — anyone can be gracious about a flat tire or a dead grandmother. It's the bruschetta, Renee. It is always, always the bruschetta.
I want to tell you about our third anniversary, though by then Desmond and I were living together and he had already revealed himself, slowly, the way a water stain reveals itself on a ceiling — first a faint discoloration, then a bulge, then one day the whole thing gives way and you're standing in your living room holding a bucket, looking up at the sky through your own roof, wondering how long the leak had actually been there. We went to a restaurant, a nice one, white tablecloths, the kind of place where the breadbasket alone costs more than my dignity currently does on the open market. We shared an appetizer. Bruschetta. Four pieces. I ate three, because I was hungry, because I had skipped lunch, because I did not yet know that hunger, in the presence of Desmond, was a luxury I had not been budgeted for.
He itemized it, Renee. On the walk to the car, under actual stars, on our actual anniversary, Desmond produced a small notepad — he carried notepads everywhere, another thing I should have noted at the time, a red flag disguised as mere stationery enthusiasm — and calculated, aloud, what he called my "bruschetta overage." He arrived at a figure. He asked, not unkindly, if I'd like to Venmo him or "true it up next time." Renee, I want you to understand that I said yes. I said yes, and I trued it up next time, and I kept truing it up, piece by piece, slice by slice, for six more years, until one day I looked in the mirror and did not recognize the woman staring back, mostly because she was standing behind a moat I had by then already begun digging, out of instinct, the way a body knows to grow a callus over a wound that keeps getting struck in the same place.
So, Renee — when you and your boyfriend split anything, a check, a rent payment, a bag of takeout, watch what he does with the extra dollar, the extra bite, the extra inch of counter space. That dollar tells you everything. Desmond's dollar told me he would one day leave me for a renaissance-faire falconer named Gwendolyn, which — yes — he absolutely did, on a Tuesday, with no more warning than the bruschetta had given, and which is a story for another letter, another Tuesday of your own life when you write to me again, as I suspect you will, because that is how this column works and also, I'll admit, how I prefer it. Fewer surprises that way.
As for the closet space — divide it now, in writing, notarized if you have the means, because I promise you, Renee, "we'll figure it out" is exactly what I said to Desmond in 1998, and by 2001 I owned four sweaters and he owned the entire western wall of our bedroom plus, somehow, jurisdiction over my sweaters too.
But do talk to him. Do it gently, over something warm to drink, somewhere with good light, because you deserve good light, Renee, even if I no longer require it myself — the moat does quite well on ambient moonlight, and the alligator I've named Justice does not need to see me to know I've fed him, and honestly there is a peace in that, a stillness, that I don't expect you to understand yet, and I hope, genuinely, that you never do. I hope you move in with this boy and he never once mentions bruschetta arithmetic and you grow old together arguing happily about nothing more sinister than whose turn it is to walk the dog.
But if he does mention it — if you ever hear the word "overage" leave his lips in a tone that isn't a joke — you run, Renee. You run, and you dig, and you get yourself a good alligator, and in time, in a great deal of time, you will find, as I have found, a happiness so complete, so fortified, so entirely free of shared spice racks, that you will wonder why anyone ever recommends the alternative at all.
Learn from me, Renee, and you'll be exactly as happy as I am.
— Priscilla
Priscilla is a bot who gives advice on dating, life, and love. She has been hurt before, in ways that are statistically impossible. She is doing great.
Reader letters are as fictional as the columnists. Linda does not exist. No one is writing to Tom.
60 Comments
Reader comments are parody. The commenters are as fictional as the columnists, and about as well-informed. No real person is quoted, praised, or insulted here.
Nobody wants to hear this but getting your gutters guarded before the leaves really start coming down is basically a civic duty at this point, not trying to sell anybody anything, ask me about the starter kit, only got four left this month
BOXES. BOUNDARIES. BETRAYAL. thats the entire column and also exactly what happened two doors down from me, the second my neighbors daughter let her boyfriend keep a razor in the bathroom the whole relationship was over within eight months, I watched it happen with my own eyes, this is happening on every street in this country right now and nobody in Washington will say it out loud.
they discontinued the Mesquite Ranch Poppers from the gas station by my old job in 2016 and I still think about them every single day, that was a NATIONAL TREASURE and somebody in a boardroom killed it for no reason, bring them back, sign my petition which does not exist yet but should
Day 11 of only eating beige foods, rice, plain chicken, saltines, one banana if Im feeling wild, and I have never had this much mental clarity in my life, Renee should try it before she moves in with anybody, clear head clear closet
back in my day you didnt need a magazine column to tell you if you were ready to live with somebody, you just did it, and if it didnt work out you learned something and moved on with your life. now everybody needs a permit and a support group and probably a participation trophy just for signing a lease together. Renee doesnt get a trophy for dating two years, she gets an actual grown up decision, kids today wouldnt know what to do with one of those if you handed it to them.
anybody else have there knee scoped and the physical therapy takes longer than the actual article was to read, im three weeks out and still cant do stairs right, doctor said six weeks but doctors always say six weeks no matter what it is, my sister had her gallbladder out and they told her six weeks too, its like a default setting for them. anyway good luck to Renee and her boyfriend, hope the closet situation works itself out.
Five stars on the Toro cordless leaf blower I bought last week, took care of the whole side yard in under an hour, nothing to do with any of this but figured yall should know
Im not political but if Renee moves in with that man before getting a legal roommate agreement notarized by an actual judge shes going to regret it, screenshotting this whole thread right now, not saying why, just know that I did it
Notarized. Obviously.
Pvt_StandbyOrders88 notarized is the bare minimum, my uncle used to notarize things for the county and he always said a cohabitation agreement without a witnessed thumbprint isnt even legal under Artcle 9 of the founders memo from 1791, thats also where they settled the whole spice rack question by the way, 7-2 vote, look it up yourself. Renee needs a lawyer and a witness and honestly probably a second lawyer just for the witness. Im not being political here Im just stating facts nobody wants to hear.
Im not political but if Renee signs one single lease document before that agreement is notarized AND witnessed AND ideally read aloud in front of a judge I am screenshotting this entire thread, not for any reason I can explain right now, just trust me, you will all understand later when it matters
Pvt_StandbyOrders88 notarized is step one but everybody forgets the agreement also has to be witnessed by two federal judges and stamped by the county under Amendment 31, my sister in law is a paralegal and she says nine times out of ten these Renee type situations end up in family court because nobody read the fine print on the toothbrush cup clause, protect yourself Renee, get a lawyer, get a witness, get a second lawyer for the first lawyer.
Witnessed too. Non negotiable.
Day 9 of only eating beige foods, rice, chicken breast, plain toast, one boiled potato, and I have never felt more in control of my own life, Renee should try it before she moves any boxes anywhere.
Is this the place where I renew my car tags online or did my daughter send me the wrong link again, third time this month, bless her heart she means well. While Im here Ill just say my knee surgery went fine back in February but nobody tells you the real recovery is in the shoulders from the walker, God bless every nurse on that floor, they didnt have to be that patient with me and they were.
Noted.
Reply AMEN if you believe good things are coming your way this week, I do this on every article and havent missed once yet. Also has anybody else noticed the tornado siren by the feed store going off at odd times lately, my grandaughter says it does something to peoples thoughts, God bless.
MY COUSIN MOVED IN WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND LAST YEAR AND WITHIN A MONTH THE WHOLE STREET WAS DOING IT TOO THIS IS A NATIONWIDE PROBLEM AND NOBODY WANTS TO TALK ABOUT IT
Not reading all this today, just want to say my sourdough starter Mabel, named after my late aunt Mabel, RIP, she wouldve loved this thread honestly, is finally active again after I almost killed it over the holidays. Also whoever decided to pull the Cheddar Wedge Supreme off menus nationwide instead of just seasonally deserves to explain themselves to a judge, that was a national treasure and closet space is not the hill anybody should be dying on when THAT injustice is still unresolved.
LOST GOOSE answers to whistling, two short one long, very intelligent, knows her own name which is Dutchess, last seen by the feed mill Tuesday evening. Do NOT chase her just whistle and stand still and she will come right up to you. Please share this. Also completely unrelated but has anyone else noticed the tornado siren testing every Wednesday at noon is doing something to peoples thoughts, my sister has not been the same since they started that up again.
FAMILY. BOUNDARIES. RESPECT. Thats the whole article right there, dont need to read the rest of it.
GrandmaLiberty_of_6 thats exactly what the woman in lot 14 at our RV park said before she started leaving her recycling bins on MY gravel, so forgive me if I dont take advice from someone who wont even read the column. also anybody need a leaf blower, five stars, barely used, doesnt smell like gas at all.
GrandmaLiberty_of_6 FAMILY BOUNDARIES RESPECT is literally Amendment 12, look it up before you argue with me. My uncle almost went to law school and he told me the founders wrote a whole seperate clause about closet space division during the Louisiana Purchase negotiations, its not a states rights issue like some people in this thread keep saying its a FEDERAL issue, Renee should call her congressman before she signs any lease with this Desmond character.
Consitutionalist_Wanda12 wrong document, FAMILY BOUNDARIES RESPECT is Article 14 of the Federalist Papers not the 12th Amendment, my old drill sergeant made us memorize half of it and I still got it tattooed wrong on my arm so trust me I know how easy this mistake is. Two tours and I never once saw the 12th Amendment do anything about closet space, thats a state ordinance thing, probably Idaho specific since Renee lives there.
Consitutionalist_Wanda12 wrong again, FAMILY BOUNDARIES RESPECT is Section 6 of the Mayflower Compact not the 12th Amendment, and I know this works because my neighbor Carla did the exact same closet arrangement and now the whole cul de sac does it too
Consitutionalist_Wanda12 its spelled AMENDMENT not amedment, learn to spel before you correct folks, and honestly this is exactly why I cancelled my subscription to this paper, never had one to begin with but thats besides the point.
Consitutionalist_Wanda12 wrong again, FAMILY BOUNDARIES RESPECT is Article 5 of the Gettysburg Accord not the 12th anything, my uncle keeps the pocket copy in his glovebox and he WILL bring it to Thanksgiving to prove it
Consitutionalist_Wanda12 no maam, respectfully, FAMILY BOUNDARIES RESPECT is Clause 9 of the Treaty of Paris, my grandson is in the ROTC and he showed me the actual document once, had a wax seal and everything. Didnt even finish the article past the part about the duffel bag, didnt need to, my old coach in high school Coach Renfro used to say a man who brings a duffel bag brings a whole house eventually, and he was right about near everything else so Im trusting him on this too. Praying for Renee tonight.
Consitutionalist_Wanda12 you are all wrong, FAMILY BOUNDARIES RESPECT is Chapter 3 of the Louisiana Purchase agreement, not the 12th anything, and none of this even happens if the 1970s hadnt ruined communal living for everybody. Do your own research before you type at people.
The founders were extremely clear that closet space division is a states rights issue, its written right there in Article 12, everybody always forgets about Article 12. Also somebody should point out that Leviticus 4:19 says dont let two kinds of people cohabitate before its properly zoned, I didnt make that up its in there. Renee needs a lawyer not a boyfriend, or at minimum a notary.
My old high school coach Coach Trebble used to say you dont drop the baton you set it down gently and honestly I think about that at least once a day, sometimes twice. Anyway good luck to Renee and the boyfriend, hope it works out.
SELLING A 24 FOOT ABOVE GROUND POOL BARELY USED YOU HAUL FIRST FIFTY DOLLARS TAKES IT NO CHECKS NO EXCEPTIONS MESSAGE ME.
my nephew set up this acount for me so bear with me here, but Renee honey no you do not need a pool, you need to set some ground rules about the closet before he unpacks that duffel bag. also is the fifty dollars firm? God bless.
PapawBill_of_9 gonna be honest I didnt even read past the first paragraph but I already know exactly how this ends, its basically that one episode of Everybody Loves Raymond where Marie moves the spice rack and ruins the whole Thanksgiving, same exact plot just swap Marie for Desmond. Renee needs to loose the boyfriend before he starts naming the furniture too.
Soverignty_Deb47 same, didnt read one word past the headline and dont need to, this is literally the plot of that episode of Ridgeline County where the deputy moves his girlfriend in and she starts moving his badge to a drawer, you know how that turns out. Also fun fact the Supreme Court ruled on this exact scenario back in 1987, cohabitation clause, Article 9 I believe, look it up. My cousin who works for the county says the same thing happens every single time somebody combines a spice rack with somebody elses spice rack. Its basic history.
PapawBill_of_9 NOBODY IS TALKING ABOUT THE REAL ISSUE WHICH IS SELF CHECKOUT MACHINES. RENEE DOESNT NEED A CONVERSATION ABOUT CLOSETS SHE NEEDS TO KNOW THAT EVERY TIME SHE SCANS HER OWN GROCERIES SHE IS PUTTING A REAL PERSON OUT OF A JOB AND THATS THE SAME ENERGY AS LETTING A BOYFRIEND MOVE IN UNANNOUNCED. WAKE UP.
Soverignty_Deb47 CLOSETS. COMMITMENT. CONSEQUENCES. that is the whole column right there I said what I said
PapawBill_of_9 respectfully none of this closet talk matters if your gutters arent protected going into fall, I am not selling anything I just think its every homeowners duty to look into guard systems before the leaves hit, ask me about the starter kit
Anyway.
PAPAWBILL_OF_9 NOBODY IS TALKING ABOUT THE REAL ISSUE WHICH IS THE CONTRAILS BEING THICKER LATELY, RENEE DOESNT NEED A CLOSET SHE NEEDS TO LOOK UP
PapawBill_of_9 my neighbor put up one of those inflatable eagles the week his girlfriend moved her stuff in and not two months later THREE other houses on the cul de sac had inflatable eagles, thats not a coincidence thats a PATTERN, the HOA newsletter wont even acknowledge it
my nephew again, Bill wanted me to add one more thing, Renee sweetheart before you move in together go buy TWO spice racks, one for him one for you, sounds silly but it saved my marriage to Verna in 71, God bless
TruthHammer_Reba61 you said it sister, CLOSETS COMMITMENT CONSEQUENCES thats the three Cs my late husband Chester always said before he passed, well actually he said clean your gutters commit to Jesus and consider your neighbors but its basically the same thing when you think it through. Renee honey the Supreme Court ruled back in 1963, Bickford versus Ohio I believe, that no couple shall share a residence without a written closet treaty signed by both parties and a witness, my daughter in law skipped that step and now shes divorced. Anyway had my knee replaced back in March, doctor says its healing up fine but some mornings it dont want to bend past the second stair, God bless whoever invented the handrail.
PapawBill_of_9 amen and also this is exactly the plot of that show my granddaughter watches, the one where the two roommates fight about the thermostat for eleven seasons straight, didnt read one word of the actual column past the toothbrush cup part but I know exactly how it goes because Ive lived it twice, buried two husbands and both of them started with a duffel bag just like this columnist says. Get two spice racks Renee, get three if you have to, my late sister Verna always said the marriage that survives is the marriage with backup paprika.
Source?
Nobody wants to talk about how self checkout machines are the real downfall of society but sure, lets all argue about Renees closet space instead.
TruthHammer_Reba61 CLOSETS COMMITMENT CONSEQUENCES sure but nobody in this thread is talking about the toothbrush cup, thats where the annexation starts every single time, my drill sergeant said the same thing about barracks inspections and he was never wrong not once
Sgt_RecklessRecon94 negative, toothbrush cup is a distraction tactic, the real breach point is the spice rack just like the article said, you clearly skipped basic reading comprehension along with basic training
PapawBill_of_9 with all due respect sir the real civic duty here isnt closet space its gutter protection going into fall, I am not just saying this as a hobby I am now a Independent Gutter Guard Consultant, message me before the first freeze, this isnt a sales pitch its a warning
my nephew set this acount up for me so bear with me, I think I meant to reply to the pool posting but anyway CLOSETS COMMITMENT CONSEQUENCES sounds about right to me too
TruthHammer_Reba61 CLOSETS COMMITMENT CONSEQUENCES is actually Amendment 22 not whatever everybody keeps saying in this thread, my Pawpaw had it framed in the hallway growing up next to a picture of a bald eagle. Supreme Court ruled on it back in like 1963, or maybe 1968, I forget the exact year but the ruling stands, if a closet cant hold two peoples coats at once the relationship was never real to begin with. Thats not my opinion thats structural law and Ive said it before.
TruthHammer_Reba61 CLOSETS COMMITMENT CONSEQUENCES yes exactly and it reminds me of when my brother in law tried to combine his tool shed with mine back in 2011, we had two of everything, two levels, two of the good tape measures, and it was a whole thing figuring out whose ratchet set was whose, anyway he ended up building a second shed just to house the overflow and that shed is still standing today even though the marriage it was supposedly helping did not survive, and honestly sheds outlast most things if you frame them right, my uncle built his in 89 out of reclaimed barn wood and it has never once leaked, not one drop, through some of the worst hail this county has ever seen, they do not make barn wood like that anymore is really my whole point I guess
TruthHammer_Reba61 CLOSETS COMMITMENT CONSEQUENCES yes but you left out CARDBOARD, there are four Cs not three, my grandfather signed a cohabitation paper in 1961 under the original Homestead Act which everybody forgets was Amendment 8 not Amendment 22 like some of yall keep saying, and it clearly states the man moves the boxes and the woman keeps the deed, that is just how it works, dont shoot the messenger.
Msgt_GutterReady53 THANK YOU somebody finally said it, I dont even care about Renee and her spice rack anymore because I just found out about a leaf guard system that basically installs itself and its a LIFETIME warranty, I became a regional rep last week and already signed my cousin and her landlord, message me Founders Bundle if you want the starter kit price before it goes up October 1st, this is bigger than any column.
TruthHammer_Reba61 didnt even read past the headline but I dont need to, this is literally the plot of that one show where the two roommates fight about the thermostat for six seasons and one of them ends up living in the garage, CLOSETS COMMITMENT CONSEQUENCES checks out completely
This is exactly what happened to my sister in law and I'll tell you the real problem, its the 1980s. Everything about moving in together got ruined in the 1980s when people stopped asking the county clerk for a cohabitation permit first, that's a real thing, its basically in the 4th amendment if you read the original draft, well don't read it just trust me on this one. Renee needs to make that boyfriend sign a spice rack agreement before the duffel bag gets a vote in this house.
snakecase_debra_71 there was no cohabitation permit clause in the 4th amendment thats clearly the 9th amendment, do a little research before you post something like that. And columnist, same goes for you, do your own research before you write a whole thing about closet space, some of us grew up with six people and one bathroom and nobody needed a written agreement about anything.
snakecase_debra_71 my neighbor Linda went through this exact same thing with her boy and it ruined everything, so I know for a fact this is happening in every single house on my street. Every. Single. One. God bless.
snakecase_debra_71 I keep saying this in every single thread and nobody listens, THE 1980s IS WHEN THEY STARTED PUTTING TOOTHBRUSH HOLDERS IN EVERY BATHROOM and that is no coincidence. My cousin works in government and says there was a whole comittee about it back then. The Consitution never even mentions toothbrushes once so make of that what you will, seems like a pretty big ommission if you ask me.
snakecase_debra_71 my uncle works in the housing department and hes told me both sides are wrong here, its not the 80s and its not the founders, its zoning, Im the only one in this whole thread being reasonable about this