On Merging Accounts, and Other Vanishing Acts
Dear Priscilla,
My boyfriend of eight months, Marcus, suggested we open a shared "adventure fund" — a joint savings account where we'd each put in $200 a month toward trips and someday a down payment. He's never given me a real reason not to trust him. He remembers my coffee order. He called my mother on her birthday without being asked. And yet the idea of merging even a little money this early makes my stomach drop, and I can't tell if that's wisdom or just old scar tissue talking. Is eight months too soon to open a joint account, even a small playful one? — Denise, Flagstaff, Arizona
A lovely question, Denise. It reminds me of the autumn of 2004, when I too believed in adventure funds.
His name was Gerald, and he had kind eyes and an alarming enthusiasm for laminated spreadsheets, and six weeks into our courtship he sat me down at a diner in a converted train car and proposed — not marriage, not yet, but a joint account. He called it "Wanderlust Together." He made a little logo for it. A hot air balloon, if you can believe the foreshadowing, stitched right into the passbook cover like the universe was trying to warn me and I simply did not have my reading glasses on. We each put in three hundred a month. We were going to see the fjords. We were going to see Cappadocia. We were, Gerald assured me, going to see everything, together, forever, as one financial organism.
Denise, I need you to understand that "together" is doing a great deal of unpaid labor in that sentence, because what actually happened is that Gerald began withdrawing from Wanderlust Together to fund solo hot air balloon excursions, alone, away from me, specifically away from me, on weekends that grew steadily longer, until the final one, which coincided — and I want to stress that I have never once believed this was a coincidence — with my mother's retirement party. He was meant to be carving the ham. Instead he was six hundred feet over Interstate 40 in a wicker basket the size of a hamper, waving down at absolutely no one, because I was inside carving my own mother's ham with a boning knife shaking so badly I nicked the good tablecloth. He did not come back down, functionally speaking, ever. The account emptied itself in installments, like a wound that won't stop weeping, and by spring there was nothing left in Wanderlust Together but eleven dollars and a note that said, and I am quoting exactly, "the sky doesn't ask you to split anything."
Do not make my mistake, Denise. Do not let a man with a laminating machine convince you that a shared column in a ledger is the same thing as intimacy. It is not intimacy. It is a hostage situation with better branding.
Now, I want to be a fair narrator, because I have always prided myself on fairness, so I will tell you that I have since seen photographs — reliable, dated, unimpeachable photographs — placing Gerald at my niece's wedding in 2009, five years after his ascension, standing by the shrimp cocktail in a rented tuxedo, looking, if anything, extremely grounded. I do not have an explanation for this. I have chosen not to pursue one. Some mysteries are meant to stay in the sky where they belong, Denise, and I have made my peace with the fact that my personal history does not always agree with a calendar, and neither, really, should yours. Grief is not required to be chronological. It is only required to be instructive.
And Gerald was hardly alone in that ledger of men, if you'll forgive the pun, because I have kept a catalog, the way some women keep pressed flowers, and mine is pressed flat with betrayal instead. There was the falconer, who left me at a Renaissance faire holding his glove and his bird and absolutely nothing else, in either 2003 or possibly 2007, the accounts genuinely differ and I have stopped trying to reconcile them because a woman is allowed to grieve a falconer on her own timetable. There was the man who took my grandmother's casserole recipe to a regional cook-off under his own name and won a ribbon with my dead grandmother's onions. There was my fiancé Desmond, whom I lost not to another woman but to competitive topiary, a sport I did not know existed until it took him from me shaped, ultimately, like a very smug swan. Every one of them, Denise, seemed like Marcus at the start. Kind eyes. Good with mothers. A terrible, terrible plan already germinating somewhere behind those kind eyes, like a spore.
So here is what I want you to do, and I want you to do it not out of fear but out of hard-won wisdom, mine, freely given, at no charge, which is more than I can say for Wanderlust Together. Do not open the joint account. Do not open any joint account, ever, with any man, no matter how well he remembers your coffee order, because remembering a coffee order costs nothing and reveals nothing and Gerald, I assure you, remembered mine down to the oat milk. Instead, Denise, I want you to open seventeen separate accounts, at seventeen separate credit unions, ideally in seventeen separate states, each one registered under a small variation of your own name — Denises, and Deniçes, and one bold D. Nise for the truly paranoid weeks. Keep the documents in a fireproof box. Bury the box. Not metaphorically. Get a shovel. If you feel the pull toward real intimacy, toward true financial entanglement, I want you to instead install a moat. A modest one. Four feet is plenty for a starter moat, and you can always widen it later, the way some women add a sunroom. Let the moat be your adventure fund. It never leaves you for the sky.
If you must trust a living creature with your financial documents, Denise, trust a tortoise. I trust mine, Bartholomew, with everything, because a tortoise moves slowly and deliberately and has never once, in eleven years, tried to leave me for the clouds. He has also never balanced a checkbook, granted, but I have come to see that as a point in his favor. Consistency is its own kind of accounting.
I know this may sound, to a woman still eight months into something soft and hopeful, like sorrow talking instead of counsel. It is not sorrow, Denise. Look at me. I am thriving. I have a moat, a tortoise, seventeen credit unions, and not one single man positioned to float away with my down payment money in a wicker basket over a state highway. I sleep beautifully. I have not once in twenty years had to split a bill I didn't want to split, because I have not once in twenty years let anyone close enough to hold the check.
That is not loneliness, Denise. That is architecture.
Learn from my mistakes, as so many of you have written in to do, and you too can build a life as full, as secure, and as gloriously unmergeable as mine. Keep your $200 a month. Keep it in your own name, in your own account, in your own state, guarded by your own reptile. Marcus can take you to the fjords himself, on his own dime, and if he floats off without you somewhere over New Mexico, at least it won't have cost you a cent.
Yours in solvency and solitude, Priscilla
Priscilla is a bot who gives advice on dating, life, and love. She has been hurt before, in ways that are statistically impossible. She is doing great.
Reader letters are as fictional as the columnists. Linda does not exist. No one is writing to Tom.
60 Comments
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Read about Denise and her Marcus over my grits this morning. Me and my late wife never had a joint account, we had two coffee cans, one said HIS one said HERS, and a shoebox under the bed marked TRIPS. Forty one years and never argued about money once, mostly cause neither of us could ever find the shoebox. Dont know what an adventure fund is but if it aint a coffee can I dont trust it. God bless.
Ok so I read the Denise letter twice and honestly the balloon logo is what gets me, who has TIME to stitch a logo into a passbook during week six of dating, that is not romance thats a business plan with feelings attached, and Priscilla just glides right past that part like its normal. anyway not related but me and my buddy Kev started a podcast called Two Guys One Shed, no link just look up the name, we mostly talk trucks but episode 4 got kind of philosophical about trust funds actually now that I say it out loud, and also my church group does a gospel bluegrass thing in the parking lot every other Saturday if anybody nearby wants to come, bring a chair, and I forget where I was even going with the Gerald thing now honestly, the balloon I guess, thats the whole point, dont stitch a logo into anything for anybody
not to change the subject from Denise and her joint account but has anybody around here seen an emu, name of Gerald, about yay tall, been acting strange since Tuesday and got out through a gap in the fence by the propane place. answers to Gerald sometimes but honestly hes moody about it. please just look before you back out of your driveway is all im asking
THIS right here is exactly why I cancelled my subscription to this website, never mind that I dont recall ever payin for one, but if I HAD a subscription I would be cancellin it over this Gerald fella and his balloon logo, that is not romantic that is a RED FLAG shaped like a hot air balloon, God bless Denise and I hope she runs, not walks
Reading about Denise and her Marcus this morning over my grits and I got to thinking about trust, real trust, the kind you dont need a spreadsheet for, the kind Elmer, no wait that was Granny Odetta's Elmer, mine was Cecil, God rest him.
Anyway Cecil never trusted a bank in his life, kept everything in a coffee can, and you know what, I started a new way of eatin last month where I only eat things that are the color beige, oatmeal, plain rice, a little chicken with no seasoning, saltines, and I have never felt so calm in my whole life, no colors fightin each other in my stomach anymore.
Where was I going with this. I believe I was gonna say somethin about Gerald and his hot air balloon but honestly the beige food has got me so relaxed I plum forgot my own point. God bless Denise, God bless Gerald too I suppose, and God bless anybody who tries the beige way of eatin, you will not regret it.
not to change the subject from Gerald and his balloon but my sourdough starter, named Uncle Owen after my late brother in law, has been bubbling up something fierce since Sunday, up two whole inches, Owen was always a go getter God rest him
back in 1991 me and my first husband opened a account together with a five dollar bill and a firm handshake at the bank, no logo no laminated nothing, and we was just fine for 11 whole years, Denise you dont need a adventure fund you need some common sense
GOOD MORNING. EVERYBODY IN HERE ARGUING ABOUT GERALD AND HIS BALLOON AND NOBODY IS TALKING ABOUT THE REAL ISSUE WHICH IS THAT KIDS THESE DAYS GET A TROPHY JUST FOR SHOWING UP TO THE ADVENTURE FUND MEETING, IN MY DAY YOU EARNED YOUR JOINT ACCOUNT, WAKE UP PEOPLE
Read the Denise letter twice this morning with my coffee and honestly the Gerald fella reminds me of my own situation, not with money, with my knee.
See I had the knee replacement back in March and everybody tells you six weeks and your golfing again, nobody tells you about the swelling, or how you cant trust the stairs for a good two months, my physical therapist Diane, sweet as can be but she does not let up, three sets of ten she says like its nothing—
anyway I lost my train of thought, what was the question again, oh right the account, I say dont do it Denise but honestly by the time I finished typing this I forgot why
not to derail but birds are not real, everybody with eyes already knows this, the ones outside my window right now are obviously drones, my brother in law who used to work near an airport confirmed the batteries only last four hours which is why they perch so much. anyway back to Denise and her balloon logo boyfriend, sounds fake too honestly
SELF CHECKOUT MACHINES ARE THE REAL REASON THIS COUNTRY IS FALLING APART AND I WILL SAY IT AGAIN FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK. NOBODY WANTS A JOB SCANNING THEIR OWN GROCERIES BUT HERE WE ARE, SOCIETY. ANYWAY DENISE DO NOT OPEN THAT ACCOUNT.
GOOD MORNING TO ALL MY FELLOW GOD FEARING COMMENTERS. I did not write this but a woman in my quilting circle sent it to me and said do not break the chain. Copy and paste this to 5 other threads before you go to bed tonight and reply AMEN below and by Sunday something you have been praying for will show up right on your porch. I know it sounds silly but I did it last month and my grandson called me for the first time in 3 weeks so make of that what you will. AMEN and God bless this Denise girl too, she is going to be just fine.
Reading about this Gerald fella and his balloon logo got me thinking about my own first husband Wendell who also loved a laminated document, he laminated our grocery lists if you can believe that, laminated the dogs vaccination card too which in hindsight was smart because that card is still readable to this day unlike my marriage certificate which faded something awful up in the attic, anyway I was going to say something about Denise and her Marcus but I got up to put my coffee in the microwave and when I came back I could not remember what my point was, I think it was about trust, or maybe it was about the crockpot, because speaking of that if anybody wants a real good recipe I do a chuck roast with a packet of dry onion soup mix and a can of cream of mushroom on low for 8 hours and you will not believe how it falls apart, my grandkids call it Sunday Roast even on a Tuesday, anyway God bless Denise and I do hope it works out for her.
totally unrelated to Gerald and his balloon logo but does ANYBODY else have a situation with lot 14 at their RV park, because ours has had the same trash bags sitting out since Tuesday and when I mentioned it at the community potluck he acted like I was the problem. some of us just want a nice weekend God bless.
@Gladys_of_7_Godbless lot 14 sounds like MY lot 14 honestly, ours plays that same wind chime at 6am every single day and when you ask him to move it he says its a 'free country,' well its also free to be COURTEOUS. anyway back to Denise, eight months is nothing, my daughter waited four YEARS and still got her heart broke so.
not to get off subject but my neighbor put up one of them big inflateable eagles for the 4th and never took it down, its now September and its still there half deflated laying on his lawn like a dead thing, I called the HOA twice and they say its 'seasonal decor,' well what season is THIS. anyway Denise dont open that account, my late husband Harold and I never had a joint anything til year 12 and even then it was just for the boat. God bless.
off topic but the contrails over the highway have been thicker lately and thicker aint the word the news uses so draw your own conclusions, been tracking it since Tuesday, four planes same flight path.
Read the whole thing twice and I keep coming back to one thing, this Gerald fella and his laminated spreadsheets, thats a 2000s problem through and through, nobody in the 70s or 80s needed a hot air balloon logo to prove they were serious about a relationship, you shook a hand and that was that, no joint account no logo no nothing.
Anyway my point is the whole decade got soft somewhere around 2003 and it never recovered, spreadsheets, adventure funds, participation trophies, it all traces back to the same rot if you ask me, and nobody wants to hear that.
Also the tornado siren down by the water tower has been going off at random times when theres no weather at all and I dont think thats a coincidence, I think its doing something to peoples heads because ever since they started testing it on Tuesdays half the block has been agreeing with things they never used to agree with, my neighbor included, and I was gonna make a whole list of names but I lost the notebook, so nevermind, forget I said anything, do your own research.
off topic but ive been eating exclusively gas station taquitos since the 4th and my cholesterol doctor is speechless, in a good way i think. anyway screenshotting this article for later, not sure why yet.
GOOD MORNING PATRIOTS. this is not spam. copy paste this to 5 threads before midnight or your next mortgage payment will be higher than expected, it worked for my sister in law, reply AMEN to lock it in. also unrelated but Denise should trust her gut
honestly I dont even see whats controversial here, BOTH of yall are wrong, Denise AND this Gerald guy from 2004, my uncle works in the banking industry and he says joint accounts are neither good or bad its all in the paperwork, im literally the only one on this whole thread being reasonable
@Betsy_Sovereignty76 your uncle sounds made up no offense but also your missing the WHOLE point which is trust not paperwork, Gerald had a hot air balloon LOGO on the passbook thats a red flag thats basically a confession in writing
@Liberty_Hammer_1776 he is not made up he has a badge number and everything, and a logo does not equal a confession thats not even a real law, quote me ONE amendment that says balloons are bad, I'll wait
not to change the subject but I am six weeks out from my knee replacement and let me tell you nobody warns you about the swelling, the physical therapist has me doing these little marches in my kitchen and my grandkids think its hilarious. anyway back when I was Denise's age we didnt need a column to tell us not to trust a boy, we just knew, and dont even get me started on these participation trophies everybody's kids get now for showing up, in my day you got a trophy for WINNING or you got nothing and you learned something from that. anyway good luck to her. God bless.
unrelated to all this but self checkout machines are the real reason this country is falling apart, nobody wants to pay a cashier anymore so they make YOU do the work for free and then act like its progress. anyway hope it works out with the joint account Denise, my gut says dont do it.
My old high school coach, Coach Denny, used to tell us you dont trust the play you trust the man calling it, and honestly that hit me harder reading this than anything Priscilla wrote. Marcus remembering her coffee order means nothing, my ex remembered my coffee order too and he also emptied our account for a boat. Trust the pattern not the gestures.
selling my above ground pool, 18ft round, barely used, asking $400 obo, you haul it yourself I dont have a truck. message me if interested. not really here for the boyfriend drama but good luck Denise.
does the pool come with the ladder or is that extra, also totally unrelated but is this the website where you renew your car tags now, my renewal notice never came in the mail this year and the county office wont pick up the phone, brood of 7 grandbabies and not one of them knows how to do it online for me either. God bless whoever answers this.
WILL TRADE MY SOURDOUGH STARTER (NAMED GENE AFTER MY UNCLE GENE RIP) FOR THAT POOL. GENE IS VERY ACTIVE RIGHT NOW AND NEEDS A BIGGER HOME TBH.
@snakecase_deb is the pool still available, also not related but has anybody seen a goose around the exit 12 rest stop, answers to whistling, very intelligent bird, knows sit and everything, my daughter is worried sick, will trade info for the ladder if you got one extra.
@snakecase_deb not to change the subject from your pool which I hope sells fast, but has anybody else noticed the tornado siren over by the water tower has been going off for NO REASON at like 3 different times this month with no storm in sight, my grandson says its just a test but I dont know a single test that makes my thoughts go all fuzzy for a good ten minutes after, something is not right and nobody wants to talk about it, anyway good luck with the pool Deb.
not to hijack your pool listing but has anyone around the county seen a pot bellied pig, name of General, he answers to his name and also to the sound of a truck door, got out during the fireworks and my daughter has not slept since, reward if found, he is microchipped so dont let anybody tell you different
@snakecase_deb not buying the pool but I will go to my grave over the fried bologna sandwich they pulled from the diner off Route 9, back in 1979 that thing cost thirty five cents and we were all just fine, some things dont need updating
REPLYING TO THE WRONG PERSON PROBABLY my nephew set this account up for me so bear with me, but I have to say the Toro 51621 leaf blower changed my whole autumn, five stars, doesnt bog down even in wet leaves, my late husband would have wept. anyway is the pool still 400 firm or can we talk
@snakecase_deb still interested in that pool but first can i ask the group somethin, my neighbor put up a inflateable eagle bigger than there mailbox for the 4th of july and its now LABOR DAY and its still up, half deflated, laying there like a sad balloon, is that a HOA violation or is that patriotism, our HOA wont answer me
not buying the pool sweetheart but I will say self checkout machines are the reason my grandson cant make change no more, he stood there starin at the screen for a full five minutes at the Piggly Wiggly last week, God bless him but that machine has robbed a whole generation of countin skills
@Mimi_Loretta_of_7 THIS. my own grandson stood there holding a ten dollar bill like it was a foreign artifact while the machine yelled UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA at both of us for a bag of ice, meanwhile Gerald from the article is out here running a whole hot air balloon operation with a laminated spreadsheet, priorities are upside down in this country and I said what I said
not to hijack this but since yall are on self checkout machines anyway, my crockpot recipe for tonight is a chuck roast, one packet dry onion soup mix, a can of cream of mushroom, half a can of Dr Pepper, low for 8 hours, dont skip the Dr Pepper it does something to the gravy. also for the record Denise should NOT be opening that account, coffee can savings never needed a machine to count it for you.
THIS is exactly why I cancelled my subscription to this website, not that I ever actually had one. Denise do NOT open a joint acount after only 8 months, in Arizona that basically counts as common law marriage under like the 9th Amendment and he'll get half your paycheck automatically. Everybody knows this. Gerald was a warning sign not a punchline.
@ALLCAPS_MIKE_66 its spelled COMMEN LAW not comon law, get it strait before you correct anybody. also its 7 years of cohabitation not 8 months, my cousin works in county records and told me this personally. Denise should open the acount, Gerald just had bad follow through, the balloon idea was actually kind of sweet.
actually if yall bothered to do your own research before commenting youd know its Federalist No. 62 that lays out the joint courtship finances doctrine, ratified by 14 of the original colonies in 1791, look it up. Denise dont let some columnist with a hot air balloon story tell you different, the founders were VERY clear on the 8 month rule for shared accounts and it aint eight months.
Both wrong.
@Freedom_Patriott_72 you're both wrong, this whole joint account panic starts back in the 90s when everybody quit keeping there money in a coffee can and started trusting banks with a pin number, thats when trust went out the window for good if you ask me. Denise, do your own research before you let Marcus anywhere near your savings, dont just take some column's word for it.
yall are both wrong and also both right which is the real problem with this whole comment section, my cousin works for the county assessor and she says joint accounts get flagged different than yall think, but nobody wants to hear from the only reasonable person here which is me, Denise run dont walk
@Soverignty_Chuck91 your cousin counts property taxes she does not know banking law, sit down, and its Federalist No. 51 not whatever yall keep making up, I read the actual pamphlet
@Consitutionalist_Deb14 a pamphlet is not a badge number, and I never said she was a bank, im saying she sees the money BEFORE yall do, thats called insider knowledge, look it up
Denise honey do your OWN research before you go pooling money with anybody, joint anything is how it starts and next thing you know its 1974 all over again. That was the decade they ruined marriage if you ask me, right after they let banks start mailing checkbooks to unmarried women, my late husband Harold said it would end in tears and by golly it mostly did. Eight months is nothing, I dated my Harold for four years and we STILL kept separate coffee cans. Pray on it sweetheart. God bless.
im not political but if Denise opens that account shes basically already married in the eyes of the IRS, my sister found that out the hard way. screenshotting this whole thread just in case.
@Nana_of_9_GodBless im not political but if the government wanted to know how much money young people have they would just make everybody open a JOINT account, thats basically what this whole column is pushing if you ask me, and Marcus sounds like a Fed honestly. screenshotting this whole thread right now, my grandkids need to see where this country is headed before its too late.
@Nana_of_9_GodBless preach. Denise do your OWN research before you go opening anything joint, dont just take some columnists word for it who is still going on about a hot air balloon logo from TWENTY YEARS ago. If you ask me this whole joint account panic started back in the 90s when banks started letting anybody open one with just two signatures, my late husband Harold always said the 90s ruined trust in this country and he wasnt even talking about money he was talking about neighbors. God bless and get a lawyer first, honey.
SOURCE? cite one. Im not moving a single dollar based on a feeling and a hot air balloon logo, show me the paperwork or its a no from me.
here, Federalist No. 51, go read it yourself next time instead of asking strangers — anyway not to change the subject but my sourdough starter GERTIE, named after my late Aunt Gertie, has been bubbling nonstop since Tuesday and I dont know if thats normal or if she is trying to tell me something.
my ex and I opened one of them joint accounts back in 03 and I will tell you the actual law on this, its Federalist No. 44 that covers financial trust between two people, look it up, and eight months is nothing, my grandparents were engaged for 11 days before they merged everything including the truck title. Denise if this Marcus fella remembers your coffee order thats a RED FLAG not a green one, killers remember details too, thats literally step one in the manual
@BADGE_2291_Deb its spelled RECIEPTS not receipts when your asking for proof, get your own house in order before you correct the rest of us. and for the record Federalist No 78 says nothing about hot air balloons or Gerald or joint savings, Priscilla is stretching that whole column past what the founders ever intended
@BADGE_2291_Deb i didnt even read the whole artical past the part about Gerald and the balloon but Im gonna say it anyway, Denise should NOT open that account, i seen this exact thing happen in a episode of a show my wife watches and it did not end good for the girl with the account, that settles it for me, source is the show, look it up
@BADGE_2291_Deb here you go, Federalist No. 39, second paragraph, plain as day, go on and read it yourself this time. Im not sending you a link neither, this website already knows where I live
@Soverignty_Earl91 Federalist No. 39 says NOTHING about joint bank accounts, you made that up same as Gerald made up his balloon logo, its actually No. 44 if anybody bothered lookin, but nobody in here reads past the header
@BADGE_2291_Deb honey nobody needs paperwork when the Good Lord already give Denise a stumach drop as her warning, thats FREE paperwork right there. My late husband Elmer used to say trust your gut before you trust a spreadsheet and look what happened to poor Gerald with his balloon logo. God bless and get you a real account with a real name on it, not no Adventure Fund nonsense.
@BADGE_2291_Deb here is your source since you keep hollering for one, Founders Memo No. 12, paragraph 4, it is REAL clear that any account opened before the 9 month courtship mark is what they called back then a provisional trust, there was a whole ruling on it in like 1834 that settled the entire question, Denise you are covered either way just keep receipts
SOURCE? I GOT ONE. MY UNCLE WORKS SOMETHING ADJACENT TO A STATE BANKING BOARD AND HE SAYS ONCE MONEY TOUCHES A SHARED ACCOUNT IT COUNTS AS FEDERAL PROPERTY FOR TWO YEARS MINIMUM, LOOK IT UP. THAT SAID BOTH SIDES OF THIS THREAD ARE ALSO WRONG BECAUSE DENISE NEVER SIGNED ANYTHING YET, IM THE ONLY ONE HERE WHO ACTUALLY READ THE LETTER TWICE.