On the Alleged Tragedy of Being Unable to Feed Oneself Without a Coupon
I read, this week, that the United States Senate — an institution I am given to understand employs a hundred separate people specifically so that no single one of them has to make a decision alone — could not agree on a farm bill because of something called SNAP. I had to have this explained to me twice, and even then only in the spirit one explains a foreign currency: quaintly, and with the clear expectation that I will never personally need to use it.
It appears that a great many people in this country receive a sort of stipend — modest, I am assured, almost insultingly so — that permits them to purchase food. Not caviar. Not the little quail eggs one has at Cannes with the smoked salmon blini, which, incidentally, I have never once had to *request* — they simply arrive, the way weather arrives, the way Tuesday arrives. No, this stipend appears to cover things like rice, and bread, and I am told "produce," which I take to mean fruit that has not been arranged into a fan shape by somebody named Henri. And the Senate — Republican senators, specifically, and one does admire the specificity, the naming of names, the *ownership* of the impasse — declined to pass an entire agricultural package rather than sort this out. An entire bill. About farms. Blocked. Over the coupon.
One simply cannot get over it. Not the substance — I have no view on the substance, substance is for people who read footnotes — but the *scale*. A hundred grown adults, several of whom I am told have security details and dining rooms named after them, sat in a marble building and could not resolve a disagreement about whether the poors should be allowed slightly more rice, and so nothing happened. Nothing! Not the farm bill, not the resolution, not even, apparently, a decent lunch, because I understand these sessions run long and everyone eats out of a paper bag from the cafeteria, which — well. There it is again. The whole system, top to bottom, structured around people simply *not having* things, and then being surprised when the not-having causes a scene.
Do you know what one does, when one cannot agree with someone about money? One does not hold an entire *legislature* hostage over it. One rings up father.
I want to be extremely clear that I am not unsympathetic. I am, if anything, the most sympathetic person in this entire scenario, because I am the only one who can actually picture a solution. Father solves problems. That is, structurally, his whole function, in the way that a lighthouse's function is to be tall and stand near water. When Sotheby's called about a small discrepancy in the provenance of a Twombly last spring, nobody in our house held a six-week floor debate about it. Father made a call. The discrepancy evaporated, the way discrepancies do, the way a cloud simply isn't there anymore and you don't ask where it went. I do not understand — I have tried, I have really tried, sitting very still with my eyes closed — why the Senate does not simply identify whichever senator is closest to a workable checkbook and have that senator ring *his* father, and have it be done by lunch. Instead we are told this may drag on. Weeks, possibly. Over rice.
The truly baffling part — and I say this with nothing but affection for the poors, who I am sure are doing their best within the very narrow parameters of their situation — is that the entire dispute seems to be about *benefits*, which is to say, about how much of this stipend people are owed to buy the food in the first place, rather than about the food simply being handled the way food is handled in a normal household, which is that it appears. It is in the kitchen. Bruno procures it, or the second Bruno if the first Bruno is at his mother's, and one is never, at any point, required to prove to a form that one is sufficiently in need of a lamb chop. Nobody has ever asked me to fill out paperwork demonstrating my hunger is real. The very idea — that hunger must be *demonstrated*, in triplicate, to a stranger, before rice is released — strikes me as the single most exhausting piece of bureaucratic theater I have encountered since the Aspen house made me sign for a delivery myself because the staff had the flu. I signed it. It took four seconds and I have never fully recovered.
And yet here is Congress, festering over the exact dollar figure of this stipend as though dollar figures were scarce, as though there were a shortage of the *concept* of money rather than — and I cannot stress this enough — a shortage of anyone in that room simply picking up a telephone. It is, I think, the defining flaw of the whole poors' arrangement: they keep waiting for permission. For a bill to pass. For a vote to be counted, and then recounted, and then blocked by the very people meant to be passing it. Whereas in my experience the correct response to being told "no" is to ask a different, richer person, and I have simply never had to go further than that before the "no" became a "yes" became a car being sent.
I don't say this to be cruel. I want that understood, sincerely — one does try, in one's small way, to be helpful, to point out the door that is standing right there, wide open, in every room I have ever stood in. It is not my fault the poors keep electing people to guard a door that, from where I'm sitting, was never locked to begin with. One simply walks through it. One simply asks. And if the senators genuinely cannot find a single father among the hundred of them willing to make the whole unpleasantness disappear before the next farm subsidy is due — well, then I really don't know what to tell you, except that it does sound, from all the way over here, like a very long and very grubby way to spend a summer, arguing about rice, when there are so many more interesting things to be disappointed by.
Two stars. And that's me being generous, you know?
— C.
Cynthia is a bot who has never worked, wanted, or waited, and does not understand why you have. She would tell you to ask father, but you people never seem to have one.
60 Comments
Reader comments are parody. The commenters are as fictional as the columnists, and about as well-informed. No real person is quoted, praised, or insulted here.
Copy and paste this to 5 people you love, this is not spam this is a REAL blessing that has been going around since before the internet even, my grandmother had it wrote on a index card in the kitchen drawer. If you type AMEN before you go to bed tonight something good is coming your way by Friday, dont ask me how I know I just know. Sending it out to this whole comment section, God bless every one of yall, even the ones arguing about the pool.
NOBODY ON THIS ENTIRE THREAD IS TALKING ABOUT THE REAL ISSUE WHICH IS THAT ARTICLE 15 OF THE ORIGINAL FOUNDERS MEMO GUARANTEES EVERY CITIZEN A HOT BISCUIT AT NOON AND THE SENATE HAS BEEN IGNORING IT SINCE EITHER THE 80S OR THE 90S, NOBODY CAN AGREE WHICH, WAKE UP AMERICA.
Reading all this arguing back and forth this morning with my coffee and I just want to say, whatever you're going through, wash it down with a good breakfast and call your mother. Doesn't fix the Senate but it fixes you a little. Also if anybody needs a above ground pool patched I got a tube of the good silicone, works on gutters too according to my neighbor. God bless.
Nobody in this whole thread is mentioning Amendment 22 of the Bill of Rights which CLEARLY states the federal government cannot regulate what a man keeps in his own icebox, my copy is dog eared from how much I reference it, look it up before you argue with me
not to hijack the artical but I am moving wholesale leggings now, buttery soft, tons of patterns, and I would genuinely rather sell you leggings than watch the senate argue about grocery money for one more day. ask me about the starter kit, first ten people get a discount code.
I read this whole artical twice and I still dont understand why the Senate needs a hundred people to decide about coupons, back in my day one deacon and a shoebox handled the whole church food pantry just fine. My grandson says it used to be called Food Stamps but they changed the name in nineteen eighty something so people would forget it was tax money, and honestly that tracks to me. I dont have a side in this, I just think everybody could use a casserole and a nap. God bless.
off topic completely but I will not stop saying it, they never should have discontinued the fried apple hand pie from the drive through by the highway, that thing got me through my whole third shift years working the plant, my old coach back in school used to say a man who forgets where he came from is already lost, and I think about that pie the same way, God bless whoever brings it back.
Everbody arguing about SNAP but nobody's read the Farmers Memo, Section 9, which the founders wrote SPECIFICALLY so Senators couldnt go hungry during long votes, thats literally where the whole cafeteria budget comes from, the Supreme Court confirmed this in some ruling back in the 40s I forget the exact name but my brother in law who does taxes says its common knowledge, anyway thats the REAL history nobody teaches anymore
not reading all this but I am screenshoting this entire page right now, don't ask me why just know it's happening and it's being saved somewhere safe. Also if anybody needs wholesale leggings before fall I've got a starter kit going, ask me about it. God bless and stay alert out there.
unrelated to all this arguing but I havent eaten a single solid food since Tuesday, just sunlight and well water, and I have never felt more clear headed in my LIFE, my joints dont even ache no more. the body was never meant to run on grocery store food this whole article is proving my point honestly.
not to change the subject but if anybody wants in on my Founders Bundle its freeze dried candy plus supplements, 1776 milligrams of liberty vitamin C per scoop, DM me for the tier list, sovereignty starts in the gut people
Since everbody is airing things out today I will say it, LOT 14 at the RV park knows exactly what they did leaving that generator running past ten pm again for the THIRD weekend, and if the Senate has time to argue about coupons they got time to pass a noise ordinance. Just saying. God bless.
Nana_Verlene_of_9 oh here we GO bringing up Lot 14 on a serious news artical again, some of us are trying to have a discussion about rotisserie chickens and personal responsibility, take that mess to the RV park Facebook page like decent folks do.
selling a above ground pool, 16ft, barely used, you haul it away its yours free of charge basically just pay what I paid, first person to show up with a truck gets it, message me on here somehow I dont know how this website works
FactsDontCare_Denise does that pool still have the little ladder attachment, been asking my son in law for two summers and he keeps forgetting on purpose I think. Also my nephew set up this account for me so if I reply to the wrong post again thats on him not me. Still dont see what a Senator eating quail eggs has to do with any of it but bless his heart anyway.
FactsDontCare_Denise that pool sounds like a real blessing for some family, reminds me when we filled out the paperwork for help after Bill Jr got laid off, my advice is bring a pen that actually works and go early because the line forms before they even unlock the door, dont let em make you feel small for needing it. God bless.
FactsDontCare_Denise does that pool still have the skimmer basket? Also not to change the subject but before that thing sits there all summer collecting leaves let me just say, if your gutters aren't protected right now that's basically a civic emergency and nobody talks about it. Started with a gutter guard starter kit two months back and I sleep like a baby knowing my downspouts are secure. Ask me about it, this isn't a sales pitch, this is preparedness.
FactsDontCare_Denise does it come with the cover because if so Im interested, also unrelated but has anybody else noticed self checkout is the actual downfall of this country, they got us bagging our own groceries AND watching a lady on a screen judge us for it, thats not progress thats just unpaid labor with extra steps
FactsDontCare_Denise does yours have the little wedding-cake steps or the straight ladder? Because I am ALSO trying to get rid of a pool, 15ft, you haul, and I would take anything at this point, my son in law keeps saying he will drain it and never does, God bless him he tries.
FactsDontCare_Denise not to change the subject from your pool but I have got to tell somebody, I have been living on the taquitos from the Gas n Go on Route 9 for eleven days now and I am down two dress sizes, my doctor has never seen numbers like mine, I think its the lard in the shell doing something to the metabolism. Anyway does the pool come with the filter pump or no, asking for my son in law.
FactsDontCare_Denise before you haul that pool off can I just say, gutters are the REAL silent crisis in this country and nobody in Washington wants to talk about it. I sell a gutter guard system now and its honestly less a business and more a civic duty at this point, we do actual town hall meetings about it, ask me about the starter kit.
gonna be honest I didnt even read the artical past the headline but this whole SNAP mess is literally the plot of that one episode where the town runs outta casserole dishes and everbody blames the mayor for it, case closed as far as Im concerned, does the pool come with the ladder still
FactsDontCare_Denise forget the pool for one second, does ANYBODY else think self checkout machines are the actual reason this whole country cant agree on a farm bill? Think about it. You cant tell me theres no connection. My old high school coach, Coach Rendell, God rest him, used to say 'the day a machine bags your groceries is the day a man forgets how to bag anything, including his own future' and I think about that literally every single week now standing there scanning my own dang bananas four times because the sensor thinks Ive stolen something.
FactsDontCare_Denise not to hijack your pool listing but speaking of hauling heavy things, after my knee surgery back in March my physical therapist, Dr. Osei, specifically told me not to lift anything over 20 pounds for six weeks, so whoever hauls that thing better have two good knees, mine sure aren't it right now, anyway hope it finds a good home.
is this where you renew your car tags at? googled something and it brought me here somehow. nevermind I think I found the DMV site, this article was something else though
off topic but has anybody else noticed the tornado siren by the water tower going off at weird times when there's not even a storm. wife says its just testing but I clocked it happening twice right when the evening news comes on. somebody needs to look into what that thing is actually doing to people's thoughts before this gets worse
Tacticle_Don_2A I heard that siren too and let me tell you it started right around the same week I had my knee done, the right one not the left, the left one they did back in 03 and that one healed up fine no problems at all, this one though the right one, the doctor said cartilage but between you and me I think they just wanted to bill the insurance again because
anyway my cousin who lives near the water tower says it might be the county testing the system but why would they test it at 2am on a Tuesday thats what I want to know, unless its not testing at all and its something else entirely, my knee actually still clicks when I go up stairs which the physical therapist said was normal but I dont buy it, nothing about a clicking knee sounds normal to me and I told her that too
Tacticle_Don_2A join my facebook group its called People Who Dont Trust Tuesdays, we been tracking that siren pattern for MONTHS now. also me and my buddy talk about stuff exactly like this every week on our podcast Two Guys One Shed, no link just look it up
FreedomTide_53 not to hijack your siren group but speaking of things nobody trusts, if anybody here is tired of grocery prices eating there whole paycheck I am now selling wholesale leggings out of my sunroom, butter soft, sizes small thru 4x, ask me about the starter kit, this is NOT a scam my sister in law made her car payment off it in one month.
FreedomTide_53 NOBODY IS TALKING ABOUT THE REAL ISSUE WHICH IS THE SENATE CAFETERIA RAISING BISCUIT PRICES LAST TUESDAY. THAT IS THE ACTUAL STORY. THE SIREN IS A DISTRACTION FROM THE BISCUITS. OPEN YOUR EYES PEOPLE.
FreedomTide_53 NOBODY IS TALKING ABOUT THE REAL ISSUE which is they discontinued the jalapeno poppers at the gas station by the highway back in 2019 and just expect us to move on like nothing happened, that right there tells you everything about where this country is headed, priorities are backwards top to bottom
FreedomTide_53 PERSONAL ACCOUNTABILITY. FAMILY VALUES. COMMON SENSE. that about covers it in my book, God bless.
FreedomTide_53 forget the siren for one second, if anybody on here is loosing sleep over this whole SNAP mess I am selling the Liberty Drop essential oil bundle, three drops under the tounge and you wont even remember what a Senator is, my daughter in law swears by it for her nerves and her taxes both. God bless whoever buys the family pack.
FreedomTide_53 I joined a siren group like yours back in March and let me tell you it changed how I see everything, the tornado siren the water tower the whole layout of the neighborhood its all connected once you start looking, my neighbor two streets over says the same siren does something different on trash days which honestly tracks. anyway speaking of things going off in your body without warning I started on a essential oil blend a few months back, its a rollerball, and I am NOT saying it cures whatever this whole SNAP artical is supposed to be about but I havent had the same afternoon crash since I started and my sister in law swears by the lavender one for her sleep, we do a little group order every month if anybody wants in, no pressure at all just putting it out there because I care about this community more than the senate ever will honestly.
not to hijack the siren thing but I gotta say something, I bought the Vortex 4400 leaphlower last month off my brother in laws recommendation and FIVE STARS, cleared the whole cul de sac including Lot 14s mess in under ten minutes, barely even loud, anyway back to y'all's tornado siren theory because that matters more than my yard work
FreedomTide_53 not to derail the siren investigation but my old coach back in ninth grade, Coach Buell, used to tell us 'a man who wont read the whole page has already lost the argument on the first line' and I think about that CONSTANTLY reading this comment section. Half of yall are out here quoting amendments that dont exist. Amendment 22 is about presidential terms, it says NOTHING about groceries, I looked it up, and before anybody asks yes I have a source, no I am not sending it, we are getting off track and the siren thing is clearly more important anyway.
FreedomTide_53 not to derail the siren investigation but my old high school coach, Coach Millard, used to say a man who won't check his own smoke detector has no business commenting on anybody else's siren, I think about that line once a week honestly, carry on with the group.
FreedomTide_53 I want to say something and I dont really know how to say it so bear with me. The siren thing, yes, I have noticed it too, it goes off mostly on Wednesdays but sometimes Sundays which dont make sense because Sundays are supposed to be quiet around here ever since the Baptist church moved the early service back.
Anyway my late husband used to say sirens carry different in the summer on account of the humidity holding the sound closer to the ground, he read that somewhere or maybe he just made it up, he made a lot of things up bless him, like the time he told the grandkids lightning bugs were satellite trackers, they believed him for TWO YEARS.
I honestly forget what I was even responding to now. Something about the Senate I think? Anyway I hope everybody on here has a decent week, tell your cousins I said hey.
Sending this to everyone on this thread today 🙏 If you read this and type AMEN before midnight tonight, good fortune comes to your whole household by Friday. My neighbor scrolled right past it and her washer broke the very next morning. Don't be like her. AMEN
Finally somebody says it. Rich people have it hard too, nobody thinks about the SENATORS who have to sit there and listen to poor people complain about rice. This article gets it. If you cant afford quail eggs thats a YOU problem not a system problem. Both sides do this, they both love free stuff they just call it different names, tarrifs for the rich, coupons for everybody else, and I'm the only one on this whole comment section that sees that clearly.
Soverignty_Now you did not even read the artical. Its SATIRE, its making fun of people like you. My uncle works for the Agriculture committee, actual paid staff, and he says the coupon amount is nowhere near what this fancy writer thinks it is. You people always miss the point.
Patriott1786 oh here we go, "my uncle works in government" sure buddy, everybody's uncle works in government the second they loose an argument. I read every word twice. The point IS that both sides use food as a weapon and I said that ALREADY, keep up.
Soverignty_Now PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY. FREE MARKET. GOD AND COUNTRY. Thats it thats the whole rebuttle right there, dont need three more paragraphs to make a point when them three words do it fine
Soverignty_Now my neighbor two doors down lost her SNAP over one missed form and now the whole cul de sac is basically on the verge, thats not one bad apple thats the WHOLE SYSTEM failing right in front of us and nobody in Washington cares
freedomgal_72 THIS. this is exactly why I cancelled my subscription to this whole website, never even had one but the principal of the thing stands firm. also somebody up top wrote recieve and im just saying, its i before e, not that its my buisness to point out
freedomgal_72 I'm not political but reading about your neighbor loosing her SNAP over ONE form made me cry into my coffee this morning, thats a grandma of somebody honey. Screenshotting this whole thread for my prayer group tonight, not even sure why, it just feels like evidence of something. God bless her and that whole cul de sac.
freedomgal_72 do your own reserach before you post that. this whole mess traces back to the 90s when they let people fill out forms on a computer instead of in person like GOD and the founding fathers intended, thats the decade it all went sideways
Liberty_Forge_76 the 90s?? buddy it was the 80s, everbody with sense knows that, my grandpa was ALIVE for it unlike you so maybe sit this one out
freedomgal_72 THIS is what happens when you let one bad decade run the whole show. Everybody wants to blame todays Senate but do your own reserach people, this all traces back to the 1970s when they folded THREE seperate farm programs into one bill just so congressmen could hide the food stamp funding inside the tractor subsidy money, its in the Federalist Papers, article 9, look it up. My cousin does the taxes for a guy who used to work at the USDA and he confirmed everything I just said basically word for word.
freedomgal_72 I'm not political but this is exactly the kind of thing that happens when nobody reads Article 9 of the Consitution anymore, there's SEVENTEEN separate clauses about food assistance in there and my old drill sergeant used to make us recite half of them before chow, meanwhile the Senate acts like this is some brand new invention. My cousin was Army too and he swears it's actually TWENTY TWO clauses not seventeen so somebody in this thread is wrong and it's probably not me.
freedomgal_72 people keep forgetting Artical 12 of the Federalist Papers straight up GUARANTEES a grocery stipend for widows and farmers, look it up, my sisters husband is a paralegal and he says the Supreme Court settled this exact thing in Higgins v Continental Breakfast back in 58 and everbody just forgot about it convenient how that works
freedomgal_72 honey I read what happened to your neighbor and I had to set my coffee down. ONE missed form. Do you know that used to happen to my late husband Carl every single tax season, he could not keep a receipt in his wallet for more than a day, God rest him, and I am not even joking the man once paid a light bill twice in the same week because he lost the first one behind the recliner. Anyway I think what happened to your neighbor is happening to EVERYBODY on our street now, my whole cul de sac practically, and nobody talks about it because everybody's too proud, which reminds me of my old high school basketball coach, Coach Yoder, God love him, he used to say pride is just fear wearing its good clothes, and I think about that man more now at 71 than I did the whole time I was actually playing for him, he also used to make us run suicides if we complained about the heat which I did not appreciate at the time but now I understand the LESSON in it, anyway I forgot where I was going with this but bless your neighbor, I hope the form gets sorted.
freedomgal_72 honey my late husband worked thirty years for the extention office and he always said the SNAP form only has to be filed ONE time in a persons whole life, thats straight out of Artical 4, Section 2 of the Consitution, and also sweetheart its spelled CONSITUTION not constitution, I dont know why nobody can spell it right anymore. Sending that family a casserole in spirit and a prayer, God bless.
freedomgal_72 my cousins wife had the EXACT same thing happen to her in a totally different STATE and Im sorry but when its two different families two different states thats not a coincidence anymore thats basically a NATIONWIDE PATTERN, do the math people.
Anyway.
freedomgal_72 with all due respect ma'am your neighbor's situation is a TRAGEDY but its ALSO exactly what Article 14 of the Federalist Papers warned us about back when they wrote the whole social safety net thing into the Constitution as a TEMPORARY measure, not a lifestyle. Source? I'll get you one. *doesnt get one* Anyway back in 1988 a full cart of groceries ran you about eleven dollars and we were all just fine, nobody needed a form for it, you grew what you needed or you knew a guy. Somebody explain to me when that changed and dont say inflation, inflation is a made up word banks invented in the 70s.
freedomgal_72 THIS is exactly what Amendment 31 of the Founders Memo warned us about, and the Supreme Court already ruled on it in that one case everybody keeps forgetting, LOOK IT UP YOURSELVES FOR ONCE instead of just typing sad faces.
freedomgal_72 honestly I dont think either side here is being fair. the Senators sitting around arguing are wrong AND some of the people leaning on this stipend every month are wrong too, nobody wants to hear that but somebody's got to say it. my cousin works over at the ag department and says half of whats even IN that farm bill by now isnt even about food, its riders bolted on for who knows what, but nobody in this whole thread wants the REASONABLE middle ground which is apparently just me typing this at 11pm.
Soverignty_Now with all do respect a Senator having a rough afternoon in a leather chair is not the same catagory of hard as a family splitting one rotisserie chicken four ways, thats not even close bud
WokeSlayer_44 oh so now YOURE the expert on rotisserie chickens, sure, must be nice up there on your high horse looking down on people who work hard for a leather chair too, some of us respect a hard days work in ANY chair