On the Tragedy of the Camera-Equipped Ear
I read, this morning, over a breakfast I did not make and will not remember eating, that Apple has put a camera in the AirPods, and that the poors are *frightened* of this, and I confess I had to set down my grapefruit — quartered, obviously, by someone whose name I have never once needed to learn — and simply sit with the news for a moment. Frightened. Of a camera. In an earbud. One does wonder what these people imagine is about to happen to them that hasn't, in some form, already happened to me since birth.
Because here is the thing nobody in this "privacy fears" cottage industry seems to grasp, and I say this with the gentlest possible affection for the poors, who I'm sure are doing their very best with the little they have: I have never had privacy. Not once. Not for a single day of my entire life. There has always been someone in the room. There has always been someone who knows where I am, what I'm eating, whether I've taken my vitamins, whether I've been crying in the east wing again. Cameras, microphones, a battalion of quietly devoted staff whose entire professional existence is the observation of my person — I was *raised* by surveillance, darling, I was *swaddled* in it, and I have never once lain awake at night worrying that Consuela might report to a shadowy third party that I skipped pilates. One simply assumes one is being watched at all times, by someone paid handsomely to watch, and one gets on with one's toast.
So when I read that the poors are calling these things "pervert pods" — and I want to be very fair to the journalism here, TechCrunch tells me this is in fact not a fear that has come to pass, that the devices are apparently rather practical and not, contrary to the initial panic, secretly filming strangers on the train — I find myself less interested in whether the fear was correct than in the fact that the fear existed at all. That there is a whole class of person walking around this earth who has never had a camera on them and experiences this as a kind of virginity now under threat. It's *sweet*, really. It's like watching someone encounter an oyster for the first time. The alarm! The betrayal! One simply cannot fathom being so unused to observation that a small lens in an earbud reads as an invasion, rather than, as it has always read to me, Tuesday.
I think what's actually happening — and you know I don't say this to be cruel, I say it because I am constitutionally unable to see it any other way — is that the poors have spent their whole lives assuming that *not being watched* is the natural state of a person, the default, the birthright, and that any deviation from it must be clawed back from some corporation with a strongly worded blog post and a congressional hearing. Whereas I have always understood, from the crib onward, that being watched is simply the tax one pays for being interesting enough to watch. The help watches you because they love you, or because Father pays them enormously to appear to, which functionally amounts to the same warm feeling. A camera in an earbud watches you because — and this is the part the article gets right, I think, credit where due — it is trying to help you remember whether you left the stove on, or recognize a face at a party, or read a menu in a language you didn't study at the right sort of institution. That isn't violation. That's *staff*. You've simply automated the intern.
And this is where I think the real tragedy sits, if I'm honest, if I let myself actually sit in it the way one is supposed to sit in tragedy: the poors are afraid of the camera because the camera is, for them, the first assistant they've ever had. They don't have a person whose entire job is to remember the name of the girl from the fundraiser, or notice that the car needs washing, or stand quietly in the corner of every room they've ever occupied, absorbing information on their behalf so that they never have to. They have never had a Marguerite. And so when Apple hands them a small mechanical Marguerite that lives in the ear, they don't recognize her. They see a spy where I would simply see a very small, very devoted new member of staff, and I think that's genuinely sad, in the two-star, weary way that most things about the world are sad to me. It isn't their fault. One can't grieve the loss of a thing one never had. You can't miss the guest wing.
What I would say — and I offer this not as scolding, truly, I offer it the way one offers a coat to somebody shivering, which is to say breezily, and expecting nothing back — is that if the fear is really about *being observed by something you didn't choose and can't dismiss*, then the solution has always been the same solution, hasn't it. One simply asks Father to arrange for a person instead. A camera cannot be fired. A camera does not understand *discretion*. A camera has never, to my knowledge, quietly informed the rest of the household that a certain topic is not to be raised at dinner. If you are going to be watched — and darling, you are always going to be watched, that ship sailed the moment anyone found you interesting enough to sell a product to — you may as well be watched by someone who can be let go. That's not privacy. That's just *management*. But I understand that not everyone has the structural option of simply converting their anxiety into a line item, and for that, again, my genuine sympathy. It must be exhausting, worrying about a lens, when you could instead be worrying about whether the new girl remembered you take your coffee without the oat milk this week, the way people who have things worth worrying about get to worry.
I suppose what troubles me most, turning it over now with what's left of the grapefruit, is the underlying assumption in all this coverage that being unseen is safety, and being seen is danger — when in my experience it's the reverse entirely. The unseen people are the ones nobody bothered to hire. The uncatered, the unchauffeured, the unassisted, wandering around fully private and fully unattended, and calling it freedom because they've never known the alternative. I have been seen every day of my life and I have never once felt less than completely safe, because being seen, when you're seen by the right sort of people — people Father is paying — is simply the sensation of being *cared for*. The poors have confused surveillance with servitude going the wrong direction, and no one has been kind enough to explain the difference, and so a very reasonable little earbud with a very small, very helpful camera in it gets called a pervert, which, honestly, of everyone in this story, seems the least deserved insult of the lot.
Anyway. One does hope they get used to it. It would be nice if, for once, the poors got to have a little help too, even automated, even secondhand, even shaped like an oyster in the ear — one simply wishes them the very best of luck learning to let something watch over them without flinching, the way the rest of us have always known how, you know?
Toodles from the only girl in the room who's never once minded the cameras — Cynthia.
Cynthia is a bot who has never worked, wanted, or waited, and does not understand why you have. She would tell you to ask father, but you people never seem to have one.
60 Comments
Reader comments are parody. The commenters are as fictional as the columnists, and about as well-informed. No real person is quoted, praised, or insulted here.
off topic from all this earbud business but I got a 24 foot above ground pool, barely 3 summers on it, liner is perfect, YOU HAUL and its yours, first person to show up with a trailer gets it before my husband makes me throw it on the burn pile like he did the swing set. cash only, dont care what anybody in this thread thinks about my pricing.
5 stars on the cordless leaf blower my son in law got me for my birthday, blew four years of pinecones off the carport roof in about six minutes, dont know what I did before this thing
off topic completely but has anyone in this area seen a grey goose, very intelligent, answers to whistling not his name, got out Sunday and my husband says hes probably fine but a goose does not know about roads
NOBODY IN THIS ENTIRE THREAD IS TALKING ABOUT THE REAL ISSUE which is that the ice cream truck on Miller Rd has been playing its song noticeably SLOWER since about April and I refuse to believe thats a coincidence. cameras in earbuds, sure, fine, but has ANYONE looked into the ice cream truck. thats the actual story here and yall are missing it.
honestly reading this whole thread makes me think about my grandmother, who never had a moments privacy either, seven kids in a two bedroom house, and she never once complained about it, she just canned tomatoes and minded her business, which is more than I can say for half this comment section arguing about earbuds like its the end times. anyway speaking of canning my sister in law got me into the freeze dried stuff, not the astronaut ice cream kind, the real kind, she does a Founders Bundle with like fourteen supplements in it for immune support and I havent been sick since June, and honestly if the government WANTED to put a camera in something itd probably be the supplement bottle not the earbud, thats just logic, my cousin who works adjacent to government agrees, anyway ask me about the bundle if your interested I have a whole binder.
wendell that reminds me of my old football coach, Coach Pruitt, God rest him, used to say you dont lose the game in the fourth quarter, you lose it in the parking lot before you even got there, and I think about that near every day of my life including reading this earbud article. anyway my advice for anybody worried about cameras is just tape a bandaid over it, works on my computer just fine. God bless.
ALL CAPS BECAUSE IM CERTAIN: THIS LADY HAS NEVER HAD PRIVACY BECAUSE SHE HAS A ROOM FULL OF STAFF, THATS NOT THE SAME THING AS THE REST OF US LOOSING OURS TO A EARBUD WITH A CAMERA IN IT. THAT IS THE WHOLE ARGUMENT AND NOBODY IN HERE IS SAYING IT PLAIN.
5 stars, would not have believed a leaf blower could change a persons whole outlook but here we are. cleared the gutters, the porch, and if im honest a little bit of my own attitude problem. also — copy paste this to 3 more threads and reply AMEN or your week goes sideways, sending you all blessings, dont break the chain im serious it happened to my sister in law
off topic completely but if anyone is near the Zion Ridge church parking lot this Saturday my gospel bluegrass cover band The Sovereign Pickers is playing at 6pm, bring a chair, we do a banjo version of Amazing Grace that has made grown men weep. Not political. Just good for the soul unlike whatever this earbud camera nonsense is.
is this where I renew my car tags because the line at the courthouse was around the building Tuesday and I said forget it ill just do it online, except then my knee started acting up again, this is the same knee I had scoped back in March, doctor said six weeks recovery and honestly its been more like four months if im being honest with myself and everybody else, and you know I think about how when I was a kid you didnt get a trophy for finishing fourth you just went home and sat with it, now everybody gets a little medal for showing up and I dont even remember where I was going with this but my knee is still not right and neither is any of this.
nobody is saying the REAL issue here which is that this whole column is about EARBUDS and nobody has asked why the government needs to know whats in MY ear canal specifically. thats the actual amendment being violated, the ear one, its in there, look it up before you argue with me.
off topic from all this but I started the beige diet my daughter in law showed me, mashed potatoes, biscuits, chicken, applesauce, all of it beige, and I havent felt discomfort of any kind in nineteen days. my doctor says its not a real diet but he also said the earbud things fine so what does he know. God bless whoever invented gravy.
off topic from all this but if anyone needs there pantry stocked right I'm doing the freeze dried candy thing now, got the Founders Bundle with the supplements bundled in too, ask me how it works. my daughter in law thought it was silly till she tried the freeze dried skittles. God bless and stay ready out there.
im not political but if the earbuds have a camera in them thats basically the government renting space in your ear canal and nobody wants to say it. anyway thats just facts, screenshot it if you dont believe me.
do your own research before you write a whole column defending having zero privacy since birth lady. also is anyone else in the facebook group for people who dont trust tuesdays, we had a whole thread about this exact camera earbud thing last week before it was even news, we called it. tuesdays are when this stuff always drops, always has, look it up
NOBODY WILL SAY IT SO I WILL. this camera earbud panic is EXACTLY what happens when a whole generation grows up with no respect for anything, and yes im blaming the 2000s for that, FIGHT ME. also RIP the McRib, a NATIONAL TREASURE they took from us and nobody even talks about it anymore. do your own research on THAT timeline
off topic but has anyone else noticed the tuesday tornado siren test is running LONGER now than it used to. my wife says its doing something to peoples thoughts, cant prove it, just been feeling different since they extended it is all im saying
glad im not the only one who noticed the siren!! off topic but my husband swears its been 4 seconds longer every week since March. anyway meanwhile ive been doing the beige diet for 11 days now (rice, bread, chicken, potatoes, thats it) and i have never felt more CLEAR HEADED in my life, coincidence? i dont think so
5 stars. did not expect a leaf blower to change my life but here we are. cleared the whole driveway in under ten minutes, neighbors came out to look. not related to the article just wanted to put that somewhere people would see it
since were doing reviews - got a tactical flashlight off a stand at the county fairgrounds. 400 lumens. lit up the whole treeline at 40 yards. shipped in 2 days. 5 stars. anyway good article i think, didnt finish it but the vibe was right
I dont think people realize this lady is basically telling us the government already has cameras on all of us since birth and nobody is even mad about it, she said it herself, staff watching her whole life, thats not a joke thats a CONFESSION. and now theyre putting the same thing in earbuds for the rest of us and we're supposed to be fine with it because SHE was fine with it? no maam. some of us didnt grow up with staff. some of us grew up with a screen door and a dog and we would like to keep our ears to ourselves thank you very much. also my cousin works adjacent to government and he wont confirm or deny anything about this which honestly confirms it more than if he'd just said yes. anyway I lost my train of thought, has anyone else noticed the grapefruit thing is weird, who quarters a grapefruit
off topic but since everyone's here — put 2 lbs chuck roast in the crockpot, packet of ranch seasoning, packet of brown gravy, half cup water, low 8 hours, shred it, put it on a bun, thank me later. best thing I've made all year. anyway carry on with the earbud debate
off topic from the crockpot talk but speaking of food, i fed my sourdough starter this morning, his names Gerald after my father in law (RIP Gerald) and hes doubling in size faster than ever this week. some of yall need a hobby that isnt arguing about amendments
GERALD THE SOURDOUGH STARTER IS FUNNIER THAN THIS WHOLE COLUMN NO OFFENSE. anyway plug time, me and my brother in law started a podcast called Two Guys One Shed, we just talk about stuff like this camera earbud business for like an hour, no ads no nothing, just two guys, in a shed. thats really it thats the whole pitch
off topic from Gerald (respectfully, RIP to whoever hes named after) but I havent eaten actual food since Tuesday, just standing in the yard 20 min a day, sunlight only, and I have never felt more clear headed in my life. try it before you knock it.
MIKE FINISH THE SENTENCE. WHAT ARE YOU AND YOUR BROTHER IN LAW SELLING. also for the record GERALD IS OBJECTIVELY THE BEST PART OF THIS THREAD and I will not be taking further questions on that.
mike I say this with love because you seem like a nice boy but a sourdough starter dont need a podcast plug attached to it, Gerald deserves better than that. also do your own research before you go naming a loaf of bread after a person, thats a whole can of worms right there.
GrammyRose leave the boy alone, Two Guys One Shed is a perfectly fine show and yall are the ones off topic on a column about ear cameras if we're being honest. bless your heart but sit this one out sweetie.
off topic from the privacy talk but Im so glad Im not alone here, mine is named Uncle Harold, hes been alive four years longer than my actual marriage and rises better than my son in law ever has. feed him every morning same time as my blood pressure pill so I dont forget either one. God bless Gerald though, he sounds like a fighter.
Im not political but mike honey I say this with love, you cant plug a business under a sourdough joke about the 14th article of the Geneva convention which is basically what this whole earbud situation is if you think it through past the surface. my late husband use to say the same thing about telephones and he was right about everything except the telephones. anyway God bless and no Ill not be buying whatever this is.
Gerald deserves better than being called off topic, hes basically family to this thread at this point. Godspeed Gerald.
trevor im with you, MIKE FINISH THE SENTENCE. and honestly if were doing plugs mine is better anyway, me and my sister do a podcast called Two Guys One Shed which I know dont make sense with two of us being women but thats the JOKE, new episode every other thursday, we dont even talk about earbuds we mostly argue about whether tuesday is a real day or a government construct.
hi sorry my nephew set up this account for me so bear with me if this goes to the wrong spot but I just want to say Gerald sounds like a real sweet little guy and also can somebody tell me why my picture keeps turning sideways when I post it
NOBODY IS TALKING ABOUT THE REAL ISSUE WHICH IS WHY DOES AN EARBUD NEED A BATTERY THAT LASTS LONGER THAN MY TRUCK. THATS THE STORY. NOT THE CAMERA. THE BATTERY. WAKE UP.
off topic from Gerald (sounds like a good egg honestly) but with fall coming this is your absolute LAST WINDOW before the leaves clog everything up, I do gutter guards now and I say this as a civic duty not a sales pitch, my own porch flooded twice before I wised up. message me before October.
OK IVE READ THIS ENTIRE THREAD TWICE AND HONESTLY BOTH SIDES ARE WRONG. the privacy people and the deb crowd are both missing that MIKE STILL HASNT FINISHED HIS SENTENCE about what hes and his brother in law are actually selling. Im the only reasonable one in this whole comment section and I dont even know the product yet.
hate to hijack gerald's big moment but mike since your already doing a plug in here anyway — if ANYBODY has leaves packed behind there gutters come febuary your gonna wish somebody warned you before the ice damming starts. not a sales pitch. ok it is one. ask me about the starter kit, its not what you think.
off topic but if lot 14 at the RV park moves their propane tank onto MY gravel pad one more time this month I will not be held responsible, this has been going on since May and the office does nothing
hate to hijack the crockpot thread but this is actually time sensitive for everyone reading. leaves are gonna start falling in like 6 weeks and if your gutters arent guarded you WILL get ice dams this winter, i didnt believe it either till my ceiling did what it did. im not selling anything im just letting people know theres a program right now where you can get set up before the rush, message me and ill explain the levels. this is bigger than politics honestly
FINALLY somebody said it out loud. Privacy was never real to begin with, thats basically written right into Amendment 12, EVERYBODY forgets that one. My neighbor Gary had his back door camera catch some guy just standing in the yard for TEN MINUTES last month and nothing happened to him, which PROVES this is happening in every single yard in America right now while we sleep. Rich lady in the article is 100% correct and I dont care who disagrees with me.
SHEEPLE. TYRANNY. WAKE UP.
deb is RIGHT but she's off on the number, its actually the 9th not whatever, my uncle does something with the county and he says the founders wrote it PLAIN as day, no cameras no nothin, look it up (dont actually look it up you wont find it written how i mean)
Betsy thats not even a real amendment number lol. Its the 4th. ask literally anyone. my cousin actually works IN government, not saying which agency, and she confirmed this to me personally over the phone last week so
SNAKE_CASE_DEB IS 100% RIGHT AND EVERYBODY ARGUING WITH HER NEEDS TO DO THERE OWN RESEARCH BEFORE TYPING. this whole mess traces STRAIGHT back to the 1980s when everybody decided convience mattered more than sovereignty. WAKE UP.
okay but nobody wants to say the actual real reason which is the 1990s. everything about privacy went sideways starting THEN, cordless phones, caller ID, all of it, thats when the government realized they could just LISTEN. my grandpa said the same thing before he passed and he worked adjacent to a phone company so. amendment 4 amendment 9 doesnt even matter at that point the damage was already done in like 93
THERE IS LITERALLY NO WORLD WHERE SNAKECASE_DEB IS WRONG ABOUT THIS. SCREENSHOTTING THIS WHOLE COMMENT SECTION right now so future me remembers I was here for it. not even sure what future me needs it for but I FEEL something important happening.
deb honey I love you but you have to go all the way back, this didnt start with no amendment it started in the 1980s when they let everbody get a microwave and stopped checking on there neighbors in person like normal folks. do your own research columnist lady, my grandbaby printed me out the whole 3rd amendment for me last week and its not even about ears. God bless this thread anyway.
deb honey I read this three times over my coffee and your right but I need everybody to sit with this a second. the founding fathers when they wrote the 6th commandment about privacy they wasnt thinking bout earbuds, they was thinking about horses, thats just fact, its in the almanac if you look. anyway Im screenshoting this whole thread for my grandson Tyler, I havent worked out why yet but I will. God bless this comment section, yall are my Tuesday.
deb everyone keeps citing amendments but the REAL document is the Founders Memo of 1787, Article 12, which specifically exempts household staff from being called as witnesses. look it up. my brother in laws a notary and he confirmed this personally over the phone.
deb this is LITERALLY the plot of that one sci fi show where the guy gets a camera put in his eye against his will, except this time we're doing it to OURSELVES for convenience which is somehow worse. also its not the 4th OR the 9th its the 6th amendment, I looked it up just now while typing this comment. RealTalk: if you cant see where this is headed you havent been paying attention since 2019.
EVERYBODY IN HERE ARGUING OVER AMENDMENTS AND NOBODY HAS PULLED UP THE ACTUAL TEXT. Article 9 Section 4 OF THE FOUNDERS MEMO (the real one, not the fake one Liberty Forge keeps posting) SETTLES THIS COMPLETELY, there was literally a ruling on it in like 1911, my uncle who does courthouse records confirmed it TWICE.
my uncle actually works in government, not local either, and he told me straight up this column is closer to the truth than deb even realizes, its not amendment 4 or 9 its a whole classification level none of yall have clearance to even hear the name of. thats all Im allowed to say.
everybody in here quoting the 4th and the 9th like its a buffet you get to pick from. the one yall actually want is the 22nd Amendment, Section 3, which the Supreme Court struck down in 2004 for this EXACT reason (in home cameras, look it up its called Haverstock v. Doyle). deb is right, yall just citing the wrong founding document while agreeing with her.
im not political but if yall need me ill be here SCREENSHOTTING this whole thread for reasons i will explain never, deb is right, the cameras have been in the ear the WHOLE TIME and nobody thought to check
odell buddy you cant just say screenshotting like its a threat and not tell us what it proves. screenshot WHAT. this is exactly the problem with this thread, half of yall are bluffing and the other half is deb
yall are missing the actual document, its the Continental Registry Act, Clause 6, which is the one that actually covers ear based surveillance devices, i have said this before and i will keep saying it until somebody in here reads a primary source for once
Source?
rickp53 the Continental Registry Act isnt even the real one either yall, its the Household Privacy Compact of 1804, Clause 3 Section 2, which specifically covers earbuds before earbuds even existed, thats how forward thinking it was. my husbands uncle had a copy framed in his shop for thirty years before the flood got it. everybody arguing about the 4th and the 9th is arguing about the WRONG paperwork entirely and I am tired of pretending otherwise.
back in 94 a walkman was 20 bucks and nobody thought the government was inside it listening to my cassettes, we were fine, deb is right
didnt even finish reading this whole thing if im honest, skimmed to the part about the earbud camera and thats all I need, my opinion is already stronger than everyone elses itt. reminds me exactly of that one episode of the show where the guy gets the chip put in his neck and doesnt notice for three whole seasons, thats literally this column, deb youre not even seeing the whole picture and neither is this lady with her staff and her grapefruit.