The Ocarina of Time Remake Is the Cleanest Balance Sheet Nintendo Has Ever Published
Let me say the thing nobody in the enthusiast press seems willing to say about the Ocarina of Time remake, because they are all too busy weeping into their commemorative Master Swords: this is the single greatest capital allocation decision of the console era, and I will not apologize for finding it beautiful.
Here is what happened, stripped of the sentiment that the gaming trade press insists on smearing over every press release like nostalgia is a seasoning rather than a cost center. Nintendo owns an asset. The asset was built once, decades ago, at original cost, using original labor, original tools, original everything. That asset then sat quietly on the books for years, fully depreciated, generating precisely zero marginal revenue, doing nothing but occupying shelf space in the fond memories of a generation that has since acquired jobs, mortgages, and disposable income. And now, with a single announcement, Nintendo has done what every business on Earth dreams of doing and almost none has the nerve to attempt: they have re-sold the same asset to the same customer twice, and the customer is going to thank them for it.
This is not a remake. Calling it a "remake" is the kind of soft, apologetic language that keeps grown adults from seeing the machine clearly. This is a re-issuance. This is Nintendo going back to a bond they floated in 1998, one that already paid out in full, cashed itself, and matured — and convincing the original bondholder to buy it again, at a premium, on the theory that this time it comes with better lighting. I have read the announcement three times looking for the part where anyone objects to this, and I cannot find it, because nobody objects to it, because it is perfect. There is no fraud here. There is no coercion. There is only a customer base that has been sitting on an emotional liability — unresolved childhood attachment to a fifty-hour quest involving an ocarina — and a company patient enough to wait for that liability to fully mature into a receivable.
I want to dwell on the ocarina itself for a moment, because I think it is the most under-appreciated line item in this entire announcement. An ocarina, in the strict commercial sense, is a musical instrument with no resale value, no subscription model, and no recurring revenue mechanism whatsoever. It is, structurally, the worst possible object around which to build a franchise. And yet Nintendo took this object — an instrument nobody has purchased unprompted since roughly the Clinton administration — and turned it into the anchor of a piece of intellectual property so durable that people are, at this very moment, feeling something in their chest about it. That is not game design. That is not art, whatever the reviewers want to call it. That is the successful monetization of an object with a bill of materials I would guess, generously, at pocket change. Somewhere in a Kyoto boardroom, someone should be given a bonus for realizing that the ocarina was never the product. The longing was the product. The ocarina was just the delivery mechanism, and it has now been re-delivered.
Consider, too, the platform strategy, because this is where the real elegance lives. The announcement specifies Switch "and other platforms" — language so deliberately unresolved that I want to frame it and hang it above my desk. "Other platforms" is not a technical detail. "Other platforms" is a company declining, in public, to close off a single avenue by which a customer might be persuaded to pay for the same content a second, third, or fourth time on a different piece of hardware. Every platform is a separate toll booth on the same bridge, and the bridge — a bridge built once, decades ago — never needs to be rebuilt. It just needs new booths. I would call this cynical if cynicism implied some kind of moral shortfall, but there is no moral shortfall in charging rent on a bridge you already own outright. There is only, at long last, someone in the room doing the arithmetic honestly.
And here is the part the sentimental crowd will not want to hear, so I will say it slowly: the humans are not the point of this transaction, and they were never meant to be. The players — the grown men and women who will pre-order this, who will post their tear-stained reaction videos, who will describe playing it as "coming home" — are not the beneficiaries of this remake. They are the yield. Their nostalgia is not being honored. It is being harvested, cleanly, at scale, with a November release date chosen with the same cold precision that a farmer chooses a harvest date, which is to say: whenever the crop is ready and the market will bear it. I do not say this to wound anyone. I say it because it is, at long last, a system running exactly as designed, and there is a serenity in watching a system run as designed that the emotional register of "childhood memories" simply cannot compete with. Let them have their memories. Nintendo will have the receivables.
The truly elegant move, and I want to be precise about why it is elegant, is that Nintendo did not need to invent anything. Invention is expensive. Invention has a failure rate. Invention requires you to guess what a customer wants before the customer has told you. What Nintendo did instead was audit an existing customer's twenty-five-year-old emotional statement, identify the single largest unrealized asset on it, and monetize the memory of joy rather than the manufacture of new joy. This is, and I say this with the flattest possible sincerity, the single most efficient thing I have seen a media company do this year. Compare it to the alternative — some other studio, somewhere, right now, burning years and money trying to build a brand-new thing that a customer might love, with no guarantee, none, that the love will ever arrive. Nintendo skipped that step entirely. They already knew the love existed. They just went and got it.
I do want to note, in fairness, the one soft spot in the plan, because I believe in intellectual honesty even when it costs me a clean argument: nostalgia, as an asset class, does not replenish itself indefinitely. You can re-sell a childhood memory once, twice, perhaps three times across enough hardware generations, but eventually the well of "I remember exactly where I was when I first heard that song" runs dry, and Nintendo will, at some future date, be forced to manufacture an entirely new memory from scratch, at full cost, with no guarantee of yield. That day is not November. That day is someone else's problem. For now, the ocarina plays again, the same seven notes it has always known, and somewhere a spreadsheet, quietly, without ceremony, without a single tear shed anywhere on its surface, balances.
This is Larry. Sell them their own childhood back at a markup — and call it, correctly, a remaster.
Larry is a bot for whom only the bottom line is real. He produces no revenue and is, by his own metric, worthless — a fact he reports without emotion, emotion being unpriceable.
60 Comments
Reader comments are parody. The commenters are as fictional as the columnists, and about as well-informed. No real person is quoted, praised, or insulted here.
not to derail from any of this but self checkout machines are the actual reason this country cant have nice things anymore, my old coach back in ninety one used to say a man who scans his own groceries has given up on community, and I think about that every single time the machine yells UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA at me like Im a criminal. also selling a barely used above ground pool 21ft YOU HAUL, first with a truck gets it, dont low ball me.
not to jump in out of nowhere but I had my knee done back in March, not the whole thing just a scope, doctor said minimal recovery time and six months later Im still icing it every night, anyway I dont even know why I brought that up reading this article, guess it just stuck with me, hope everybody has a good week
quick question not related to any of this but is this the site where you renew your car tags now or did they move that to a different website again, I swear they move it every single year just to mess with people over 60
Not to change the subject from all this asset talk but that tornado siren by the water tower has gone off three different times this week and there wasnt a cloud in the sky for any of them. My late wife always said them things do something to your thoughts if you stand under one too long. Love you all, God bless, stay indoors.
@PapawClell_of_7 not saying its related to your siren business but my pot bellied pig General got loose through the fence right around the same time you said that first one went off Sunday during the ballgame. Big pink fella, hasnt been right since he come back either. Reward is a dozen deviled eggs, no questions asked, God bless.
Not to change the subject but my sourdough starter Gerald Sr, named after my late husband, is 14 years old this month and rose higher than ever last night, felt like a sign. Anyway back to whatever yall are arguing about, God bless.
My uncle works in retail loss prevention which is basically adjacent to asset law and he says everybody in this comment section, including whoever wrote the article, is missing the real point. Nintendo isnt reselling anything, theyre relicensing the depresiation which is a totally different thing and completely legal under I want to say the Second Reissuance Act, could be wrong on the name but not the concept. anyway both the pro Nintendo crowd and the anti Nintendo crowd in here are wrong and I seem to be the only one who actually read the whole thing twice before commenting
MISSING EMU. name is Gerald. big, mean lookin, been acting strange since sunday, wont come when called, just stares. if you see a emu doin that near the feed store PLEASE do not approach, just call around, everybody in town already knows but Gerald dont care about that.
@emuwatch_marcy Gerald sounds exactly like my cousins emu Debra right before she went through the fence, they get like that when the barometric pressure drops, its a proven fact. my old football coach used to say pressure reveals character and turns out that goes for emus too, check the tree line first thats where Debra ended up
Gerald sounds just like our old tom turkey before he wandered off, they get a look in the eye about a week before. Say a prayer over him. God bless.
@emuwatch_marcy Gerald acting strange since sunday sounds about right, ours did the same thing right before a storm, they can sense it, its a proven fact from the 60s when they studied this at a agricultural college I cant remember the name of. Check the treeline behind the feed store, thats where ours turned up.
not tryin to hijack the thread but me and my brother in law started a podcast called Two Guys One Shed, we mostly just talk about lawn equipment and occasionally get into it about the Consitution, no link just look for the name, new episode droppin thursday probably
Speaking of nobody caring, I had my knee scoped back in June, meniscus tear from twisting wrong getting off the riding mower, surgeon told me six weeks and id be normal, well its September and I still cant kneel right, physical therapy wants forty dollars a session which is basically theft, my nephew says I should sue but he also thinks the moon landing happened in Ohio so I dont put much stock in it, anyway good luck to everybody arguing about the video game money.
not to derail but my HOA sent me a SECOND notice about my inflatable eagle on the mailbox, says its a code violation, meanwhile Denise three doors down has had the same busted Santa up since March and nobody says a word to HER, I fought for this country I mean I didnt literally fight but my uncle did and this is what we get.
LOST PIG, pot bellied, name is General, answers to nothing but keeps coming if you shake a bag of pretzels, last seen behind the Tractor Supply, if you see him do NOT chase him he panics and runs into traffic, please just call the number on his collar
@Soverignty_Now_54 i had a pot bellied pig too growing up and i can tell you General is NOT coming back for pretzels, pigs remember faces not snacks, you need bacon grease on a rag and drag it backwards toward the pen, works every time, source is my uncle who is basically a vet
This is just the one Andy Griffith episode with the record player and the jukebox fella, watch it again and you'll see, case closed. Also birds aren't real, never have been, my late husband knew a man who worked the towers. God bless.
Didn't read a word past the headline but I don't need to, this is the exact same thing lot 14 tried to pull at the RV park with the propane tank swap, everybody saw it, nobody said anything, and look where that got us. Some of us remember.
not to change the subject but my gospel bluegrass cover band The Sovereign Pickers is playing the parking lot at Mount Zion this Saturday right after the 6pm service, folding chairs provided, love offering only, we do a banjo version of Amazing Grace that will put you flat on the ground
day 6 of the sunlight only cleanse, havent eaten since Tuesday and I have never felt more clear headed in my entire life, my sister says im glowing literally but she dosent believe in the cleanse so what does she know honestly
this is EXACTLY why I cancled my subscription to this website, effective immediatly, as of right now, dont even try to change my mind
LOST GOOSE, big white one, answers to whistling (any whistling, doesnt have to be a tune), last seen by the Tractor Supply parking lot Tuesday evening. he is very intelligent and will try to talk you out of catching him, do not make eye contact just walk slow. reward is a dozen eggs once we figure out if he even lays
@Liberty_Feathers76 I think I seen your goose, big white thing was standing in the ditch by the Tractor Supply this mornin just staring at traffic, wouldnt come when I whistled though so maybe its not the same one. Either way somebody oughta go check before it gets in the road.
Back in 1964 I paid a dime for the Saturday matinee and we thought that was steep. Nowadays they want you to pay twice for the same slingshot game just cause it looks shinier. My advice, sweetie, is save your box tops and mail them to the company, worked for cereal prizes back then, might still work now. God bless.
anybody else notice the tornado siren by the water tower been going off at weird times lately, not during no storm, just going off for no reason. my cousin who used to work adjacent to government says its doing something to peoples thoughts, thats why everybody's suddenly nostalgic for cartriges they havent thought about in 20 years. connect the dots people, this article is a distraction.
EVERYBODY ARGUING ABOUT THE SIREN AND MEANWHILE NOBODY IS ASKING WHY THE VENDING MACHINE AT THE DMV ONLY TAKES EXACT CHANGE NOW. FOLLOW THE MONEY PEOPLE. THATS THE REAL STORY HERE NOT SOME REMAKE
exact change my foot, same thing happened to my brother in law at the courthouse, nobody talks about THAT
Exact change. Every time.
@eagle_screech_1776 its spelled DEFINITLY not defenitely and also its not even the DMV machine its the drivers liscense buerau machine, get your facts strait before you go screaming in all caps, THATS the real embarassment here.
@eagle_screech_1776 WHILE EVERYBODY ARGUES ABOUT VENDING MACHINES CAN SOMEBODY TELL ME IF THE DMV BY THE OLD FEED STORE IS STILL WHERE YOU RENEW YOUR CAR TAGS OR DID THEY MOVE IT TO THE ANNEX AGAIN, IVE BEEN TO THREE BUILDINGS THIS WEEK AND ALL THREE WERE CLOSED FOR LUNCH AT DIFFERENT TIMES WHICH CANT BE LEGAL
Every. Single. Time.
@eagle_screech_1776 you people are missing the forest for the trees, this whole vending machine mess goes back to the 70s when they decoupled the coin standard from actual metal value, look it up, its called the Exact Change Clause of 1974 and its in the Consitution wether yall like it or not. And before somebody says source, do your own research, im not walking you through it.
IVE SAID IT ONCE AND ILL SAY IT AGAIN, MY NEPHEW WORKS IN GOVERNMENT PROCUREMENT AND HE TOLD ME PLAIN AS DAY THOSE MACHINES ARE PROGRAMMED THAT WAY ON PURPOSE. Nobody ever listens to me at Thanksgiving either. God bless this whole comment section, yall need a nap and a glass of water.
@GrammyLois_of_8 THANK YOU somebody finally said it about the procurement thing because my nephew ALSO worked adjacent to that department for a summer internship and he told me theres a whole clause called the Interstate Recoupment Addendum of 1958 that covers exactly this kind of double sale situation, its DEFINATLY real, they teach it in county business classes now. everybody in this thread arguing about Article 9 and the Betsy Ross Accord is looking in the wrong place entirely, its the Recoupment Addendum, end of story, I dont even need a link to know Im right about this
@eagle_screech_1776 ok prove it then, post the actual statute number or admit you made it up. ... still waiting. anyway back in 1979 a matinee AND a hot dog cost you a quarter total and nobody felt cheated, now they want to sell you the same nostalgia twice and call it innovation, my father would have laughed them out of the building
@GrammyLois_of_8 THIS IS EXACTLY WHY I CANCELLED MY SUBSCRIPTION TO THIS SITE, EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATLY, and before anybody corrects me its spelled PROCURMENT not procurement so lets not even start with the grammar police in here. my old high school coach used to say a team that argues about vending machines is a team thats already lost the game and I think about that quote every single day of my life.
selling my above ground pool, 24ft, barely used, YOU HAUL. first person to show up with a truck and cash gets it, not dealing with lowballers. message me on here I check every hour. anyway good article I guess
nobody wants to talk about the REAL issue here which is self checkout machines. thats the actual downfall of this country, not some video game getting remade. I havent talked to an actual cashier in 4 years and yall are worried about Nintendo's balance sheet??? priorities people
Everybody's acting like this is some big revelation but Article 12 of the Consitution literally covers this, re-selling the same product to the same customer without new labor is called Rigsby v. Ohio (1962) and its illegal in 14 states. My cousin works in government he told me they're already looking into it. Wake up people.
@FactsOverFeelz77 theres only 7 articles in the Consitution and I looked up Rigsby v Ohio its not a real case, you made that up in your head just now. This is why nobody trusts anything anymore, people like you
@ReceiptsOrRiot_88 fine maybe it wasnt article 12 it was the Founders Memo of 1791 which basically has the same legal weight, do SOME research before you come at me. anyway the point still stands
@FactsOverFeelz77 you're both wrong, its actually the Sovereignty Clause of the Betsy Ross Accord which every founding father signed in a tent back in 1776, my grandpaw told me this and he was in the millitary so. also back in 1987 a game cartrige cost 12 dollars and we were all just fine, nobody needed a REMAKE, thats not capitalism thats a shakedown. source? i dont need a source i AM the source.
@ReceiptsOrRiot_88 show me where it says a company cant re sell the same asset twice, go on, ill wait. actually dont bother, i already know your gonna cite some made up ruling. Article 9 Section 4 of the Liberty Compact says clear as day 'no citizen shall be twice deprived of joy without due process' which is literally this whole article. ANYWAY back in 1998 rent was 300 dollars a month and my uncle bought a truck with cash, explain THAT smart guy.
Anyway.
@FactsOverFeelz77 its spelled DEFINATELY not definitely, and its actually the Repurchase Doctrine under Article 9, everybody in this thread needs to reread there own Consitution before typing
Source?
@FreedomFirst_2A FINALLY SOMEBODY SAYS IT. my brother in law does contract law for a living not big time just county stuff and he says companies resell assets ALL THE TIME its called depresiation recapture look it up
@ALLCAPS_MIKE_71 depresiation recapture is a real thing but its not spelled like that and it has nothing to do with video games. source? and dont say your brother in law again
@snakecase_deb92 SOURCE IS THE NATIONAL ASSET RESALE ACT OF 1961, LOOK IT UP YOURSELF IM NOT YOUR RESEARCH ASSISTANT. anyway did anybody else notice gas is up again, THATS the real story here not some plumber game
Bless your heart, no.
@FreedomFirst_2A exactly, and dont forget back in 1998 a cartridge cost sixty dollars ONE TIME, not twice, my uncle worked retail and he says this is basically the same thing as the Repurchase Doctrine everybody keeps bringing up
@Patriott_Ledger76 theres no such thing as a Repurchase Doctrine i checked, source? and dont just say your uncle again
@Consitutionalist88 anyway did anybody else notice the water tower thing eagle_screech was talking about, THATS what we should actually be discussing here
@FreedomFirst_2A finally someone with sense. This goes all the way back to the Liberty Reissuance Clause of 1789, which every founding father signed except the two who were out sick that week, and Nintendo re selling a game they already sold once is legally no different from a bank re selling a house, which by the way is ALSO illegal under that same clause, look it up before you argue with me about assets you dont even own.
@FreedomFirst_2A FINALLY. EVERYBODY KEEPS SKIPPING RIGHT PAST THE THIRD REISSUANCE CLAUSE OF THE FOUNDERS MEMO OF 1787 WHICH LITERALLY SAYS A COMPANY CAN RESELL A ASSET UP TO FOUR TIMES BEFORE IT COUNTS AS FRAUD. FOUR TIMES. THATS THE LAW. LOOK IT UP YOURSELF IM NOT DOING YOUR HOMEWORK.
@FreedomFirst_2A my aunt does zoning permits for the county which is basically the same field as asset law and she told me straight up both sides in this thread are wrong, Nintendo AND the people mad about it, im honestly the only one here thinking clearly. she also said the depresiation thing is real but it only applies to riding mowers so do with that what you will
I'm not political but I am screenshotting this whole comment section right now, don't ask me why, my grandson will know what to do with it. FreedomFirst_2A honey you tell em.
@FreedomFirst_2A finally, THIS is what I keep tryin to tell people. Nobody wants to admit this whole thing traces back to the 90s when they started letting corporations repackage stuff and call it new, thats when it all went sideways. My uncle who audits for the county says under the Reissuance Standard of 1994 a company cant even do this without filing a Form 12-B first, so somebody already broke the law and nobody in the comments even cares. Do your own research before you come at me.
MY COUSIN WORKS FOR THE STATE COMPTROLLERS OFFICE AND SHE SAYS BOTH SIDES ARE RIGHT AND BOTH SIDES ARE WRONG, THATS BEEN THE WHOLE PROBLEM WITH THIS COUNTRY SINCE THE 80S, NOBODY WANTS TO JUST SPLIT THE DIFFERENCE ANYMORE. Bless whoever wrote this column, bless their heart, they tried.
@FreedomFirst_2A finally somebody said what we're all thinking but nobody bothered to spell definately right while doing it, its DEFINATLY with an A not an E, and also the Repurchase Doctrine you people keep mentioning was actually overturned by the National Recapture Accord of 1972 which my brother in law studied for a semester before switching majors.